a_little_sparrow

I have to agree with both lady00 and chandler. What seems to be amplifying the problem here is the fact that he's your ex, and the fact that there may still be some latent emotions. And the only other thing that I can think is that if I'm not really that interested in the ex, I'm very wary of any signals I might get from her that would indicate she was interested in a little more than friendship. It doesn't even have to be clingy. It's just that because there's a history, we're at a different point than I would be with other friends. And like Chandler, I feel ten times more at ease talking to an ex when I know she's dating someone else. It just eases up any pressures as I know (and hope) she's completely crazy for some other guy, and I'm just someone that she was really good friends with.

Well, I guess I should sum some things up. Me and my ex were together for 8 months, very serious. She had invited me to visit her family for the holidays. A lot of very serious talk. At one point we mutually came to a conversation about possibly moving in together. At the time I said I was kind of nervous about it because of my previous relationship. Then at the end of April she asks me for a break. Which I assent to. She says at first that she is afraid of getting hurt. Her previous bf had been with her off and on for four years, and they had talked about marriage, then he up and leaves her to go "find himself." At that point, I assured her I was ready to take the next step. Then five days later she's talking about how she's so confused and she doesn't want to be in a relationship where all she feels she's doing is thinking about marriage. She said she needed some time and space. Well, I gave her only two and a half weeks of time and space before it finally drove me so crazy I had to ask her for a decision. As you can see from me posting here, she said she thought we should break up. It's been almost six weeks since the breakup and four weeks to the day of no contact. Coming up to the school library today I ran into the ex as she was coming out the door. Fate has such a strange way of working sometimes. She looked good. And we were both happy to see each other. Though there were times when I personally felt short of breath because I was so overwhelmed with emotion on seeing her. But I managed to stay mostly collected. We talked about trips. About what we were up to these days. I was perhaps a bit too nosy asking at one point who she had been hanging out with since she was back. Of course I was fishing, but I framed it as, "Hm, your two best friends have been out of town lately. Who have you been hanging out with?" Perhaps not so subtle, and she mentioned something about me having a strange response after. I'm not sure what she meant. No such questions about who I might be hanging out with. Though she did ask after me. It felt a lot like a couple friends seeing each other again. Only one reference to the relationship and that happened when she asked me how my trip to New Mexico had gone. It was a trip we were supposed to take together, but we hadn't because she had asked for a break a couple weeks before it. And then when I got back, I had ended her time and space for the break and asked for her decision on the breakup. So she asked about the trip, saying "I think I'd asked you about it before, but there were some other things going on at the time." And I just said, "Yeah, I was a little distracted." And laughed. It's kind of a way I have sometimes of dealing with hard things from the past, to look at them as though they're now kind of funny. Anyway I think I kept the tone light enough. But there's that little let down after contact is made. Where the dumpee kind of goes, "How come this wasn't a bigger deal to her?" I have to thank my stars for this web site that I didn't break down in front of her. I didn't resort to talk about, "So have you thought about getting back together with me lately?" And most of all I have to credit this web site with the notion that if there's any chance of us getting back together, this kind of interaction is a positive nudge in that direction. Yet still I have questions for the board. Is this something good? Her tone was so much more about being friends, and I really didn't sense much of that romantic spark that I would have hoped for. She has always said that she doesn't fall for a lot of guys, only three in her whole life, and I'm one of them. Yet one of the reasons for breaking up with me was that she didn't feel the intensity anymore. I've been crazy these last few days with desire for her. And after seeing her I'm glad I was able to see her, but, well, it's a bit disconcerting.

Hey trueheart, I really don't think you have so much to be nervous about. On the surface of things, he just took you out for a weekend vacation to Mexico, and you all had a really good time. The nervousness, from what I can see, comes from the fact that he didn't say you guys are bf/gf right now. But you're dating, and those were his words. Taking him out for a nice dinner is exactly what two people who are dating would do. Be excited about it, because I think you have a lot to be excited about. And then I wouldn't worry so much about nailing him down on whether you're bf/gf. Right now he's making clear choices about who he wants to spend time with (you!), and that should stand for a lot. As Raykay points out: things are definitely growing. Like Beec says, you're making him feel special by taking him out to dinner. You might be nervous now, but I'm sure once you're with him that nervousness will be mainly excitement, and all the reasons you're falling in love with him again will be evident. And he'll feel that good will toward him. You're doing everything right in my opinion. Though I do think that questioning him about the bf/gf thing is kind of high pressure. And kind of posing things as all or nothing. The trust thing for you guys is a really big deal, and the only way he's going to learn to trust you is through time. Remain sincere with him, and keep making him feel special, and I think things will eventually turn out for the best.

Well, after posting to this string that looked originally like danimal's personal advice thread, and then getting stomped on, I want to chime in a couple things. Yes, there is a tremendous risk involved with no contact. And that risk is painful and has all sorts of anxieties wrapped up with it. But if my ex were to contact me and come back, I would know, without a doubt, that she is there for me. And the benefits from this come later in the relationship (yes, I know this is presuming that there will be a future relationship after no contact--it's possible). I don't want to be stuck in a mode of overcompensation when I see things going poorly with the relationship. I want to be in a relationship where I'm comfortable with her desire for me and my desire for her. And I think what I'm so critical of with this strategy is how single-minded it is. At no point does there seem to be the possibility of questioning whether this person is the right person. It's assumed that of course this ex is, even when he or she has pulled away. This single-mindedness also ignores the ex's motives, choosing instead to give the ex the answer to her problems. "Who do you love? Me, of course. Why are you even asking that silly question." Love is not conditional. A true love for the other person wants the best for that person and doesn't assume it knows better than the ex what's best for her. And I guess the question I have for people here is would you really be willing to listen receptively to your ex telling you how in love he or she is with someone else? And then part two, could you really listen to that and not feel crumpled with hurt inside? There is no less devotion to a future by giving the ex space, and giving yourself space. One important transition I feel I've made recently is one away from a desperate need to have her back, to a healthy desire to have her in my life again. It might sound like splitting fine hairs, but for my emotional well-being, it's a tremendous shift. And when I read these posts about focusing on re-contact, I just wonder how much of it isn't desperation masked by the need to hide desperation. I sincerely hope the best for everyone on this board, and we're all dealing with individual circumstances that require individual decisions. Will I eventually decide to contact my ex before she contacts me? I don't know. This board definitely helps me to see how I should act should I choose to.

Azure13, I think I know how you feel. It's that frustrating point where every part of your body wants to be with this guy, but for whatever reasons, circumstances won't let you go to him. In this case, he's confused, and doesn't really know what he wants. I think a lot of what zpivat was posting about is coming to peace with yourself. And from what you said in that last post, I think you're really close to finding that peace: closer than you think. At some point all that yearning in the body just hurts so much and your brain has to step in and say "Enough is enough already." And your attitude starts to shift in drastic ways. I feel I've just been going through this myself. But not before a few days of excruciating desire for my ex. I wanted her something fierce. But the kind of wanting I had was that desperate kind. I kept thinking, "My life will be nothing if she doesn't come back to me." And even at that moment I could see that my desires were based upon desperation and fear, and I didn't know how to get away from them. And I finally told myself, I've got to let go of her. And believe me. All of my friends were like, "Yeah, you've got to let go of her now." They were just getting sick of me going on and on. Getting more and more desperate. And I started to feel as though I was making no progress whatsoever in my healing. Azure13, I'm here to tell you it's OK to let go. As someone told me on this board, letting go does not mean you're giving up. And at this point, I can honestly see how that works. And the way I finally let go of this whole thing? I told myself she's not coming back. And I believed it. It was so sad for me to see that, and to believe it. But when I could honestly say that to myself, and then see that my life will continue, and I will be OK without her, I felt cleansed of the desperation. And now it's so strange. For me, I still want to be with her. But my thinking has changed from, "Oh, God I hope she comes back." to "Oh, God, I hope she gives me a second chance." I can see that what I hope for now is not a return to what we had, but instead a new beginning. And I actually find myself optimistic about the whole thing. I suspect the optimism comes from me not thinking the survival of our "relationship" (which is a strange word to use when you're broken up) is a life or death situation. If my ex gives me a second chance it will add a lot to my life, but I have lots of ways of adding things to my life. Anyway. I hope some of this helps. This point of expasperation you're feeling is I think a GOOD sign, because you recognize that things can't continue like this. And your body will find a way to change things. Best of luck.

Hey danimal, I'm watching your posts now, as well as myJoy's to see how this all works. I made it clear with my ex at the breakup that I didn't think we could be friends, mainly because I didn't want to get trapped in the friend zone. I had an experience about 5 years ago with someone that I was extremely interested in, and she, well, wasn't. But I thought, 'If only I'm friends long enough, maybe..." That was an obsession that went on for a year and a half--a year and a half that I learned a lot about misguided energy and presumtuous intentions. I'm realizing with my ex things are different. This previous woman & I never had a relationship together, it was only my wishing for a relationship. My ex & I, on the other hand, had eight wonderful months of a relationship. Including talk of moving in together. Including talk of long term types of plans. Including each of us taking special trips to meet the other's family. But now that's all in the past, and I'm unsure how relevant it is in her view of the future. I know right now I'm still not completely ready to talk with her. I'm not emotionally ready. And ideally I would like for her to contact me first. She's made contact one since the breakup, though it was for anything really significant. I still have some hope that she would call on her own, but with each day that passes I let go of that hope more and more. But all of this is my way of saying that I don't completely agree with your blanket statement that the ex will never call. What I think many of us who advocate no contact believe is that it's the best situation when the ex does call, because it means that she is really ready, that she's sorted through her emotions and can see that a second chance would be best. What I recognize with yours and myJoy's approach is that the dumpee gets to take back some of the control. There's no guarantee that the ex is going to call back, and so this way we get to reclaim some control comes in a nonthreatening way. Good, but I'm still not clear on how you think you will avoid getting trapped in the friend zone. I hope things work out for you--that's for sure. I'll be staying tuned.

Redanka, I suggest you listen to heartshock and muneca. And read through some of the other posts here on the site. So many of us go through the initial breakup time begging and pleading for the ex to come back. And, for most of the people on here it doesn't work. He will call you back. You're not just someone that he's known for a month and now he's trying to avoid. You're someone he introduced to his family, and whose family met your family. I think this is the same whether man or woman, but as a guy, asking you to meet his family is a REALLY big deal. You are a very significant person in his life, and he's not going to just walk away and never talk to you again. And believe me. You want him to come back to you of his own accord. Like heartshock said, your actions don't in any way show you don't love him. They show that you love him very much. And most importantly they show you're a person that he has every reason to love, because you're strong and patient.

Hey Aktrez, I don't know whether he's cheating or not. But I can be pretty sure that he's not going to really understand what he's missing until you're away from him. I'm sure if you call your landlord today and explain to him or her that you just realized last night that you needed to give a month's notice, but that you still want to move out on August 1, the person would probably be understanding. I can assure you the last thing you want to do right now is stay there until September 1. We all hold out hope that the ex will change his or her mind "before it's too late," and then we continue to extend the date, because we don't want to disappoint our hopes. The fact is as long as you're there in front of him, he's not going to change. Look at his previous actions. He didn't change his mind to move to DC until you were gone for two months. I don't doubt that he loves you, but right now he's showing that he loves himself a lot more. And you need to do the same thing--love yourself. Get out of that apartment for your sake, and for the sake of saving anything that goes with your relationship. He's far too complacent right now. And who wouldn't be. He gets to go out on the town, then he gets to come home and still feel you near him. And he knows you want to be with him so badly. His ego is on overload right now. And I'm sure you want him to feel good about himself, because you care for him. But he shouldn't get to feel good at your expense. At the very least I would suggest you call the landlord and ask if you needed to could you cancel out of your lease today for August 1. Just call him once to find out, and then you'll know whether it's an option or not. I would strongly suggest you take the option if it's offered, but it's better that you find out what you have. The other suggestion I have is that you keep him out of your bed. It's only making things more difficult for you. I thought when I was in your situation that having my ex in bed with me would maybe change her mind. It did nothing of the sort. All that history we had at that point had evaporated, and she was only thinking of her immediate future. If the couch is uncomfortable, have him sleep on the floor. Set up some blankets. Buy an air matress and set it up somewhere. There are plenty of options but he should know that sleeping in the same bed as you is not an option. I hope some of this helps.

Aktrez, I'm really sorry to hear about the lease situation. And I'm even more sorry to hear you had to watch your ex go out for a night on the town. And this after he decided to come up and crawl into bed with you at 2am?! This has got to be so confusing, and painful. You're going to need to put those cats on extra special guard duty tonight. They'll keep you safe, just keep them nice and close. In terms of this lease problem, I'm not sure what to say. One thing I think you should make clear is that the two of you cannot sleep in the same bed together. And, the way I feel about it, he's the one who wanted the breakup, he's the one who can keep on sleeping on the couch. He really needs to stick to that, because it only makes everything confusing in the long run. You said in one of your posts that you're going to Maine. When is that? And for how long? I'm hoping that you're going to say you'll be on vacation through most of July--at least for a week? Does he have friends that he can stay with for part of the time? Perhaps there are some nights when he could stay away from the house, with them. Aktrez, I know this has to be so painful for you. And I wish I had something I could tell you that would help tonight pass. I've watched an ex go out the door to be with the man she left me for, and it just kills. The only consolation is that all of this pain right now will go away. And from my experience, your pain will be finished when his is just beginning. My exex that I talked about in an earlier post, the one that I had to live with for the month after our breakup while she was off with this new guy, emailed me a year and a half after everything apologizing for what she had done. A year and a half. She knew what she had left behind. And Matt's going to have a heck of a time when he realizes that he left you behind. And at that point, you're going to be the one in control. I'm really sorry you're having to go through this right now. Just know that things will get better. Let's just say a little birdie told me you're a wonderful person, and things will get better. I promise.

I can understand having a bad day. But I can tell you just from seeing what you wrote yesterday to today, you've really covered a lot of ground. These steps you're making to get out of the house are REALLY hard, and you should be happy with each one you make. Do have any idea when you'll be able to move into your friend's apartment? Also how does it make you feel that Matt decided to come up and sleep with you in your bed? From what you're saying it made you feel kind of uncomfortable. It's OK to tell him that he has to sleep downstairs, or you go sleep downstairs if you don't want to sleep in the same bed. The most important thing right now aktrez is to protect yourself.

For me, no, I'm not really freaked out. Any time a woman has told me that she had an abortion I've been so quiet and respetful. First of all I recognize what a huge decision this was for her, and then how much she must have trusted me to tell me. I will say that it probaby is different from man to man. It's not really a subject I talk about with any other guy I know, so I can't even start to gage what a general male perspective is. But if you attract and date men like the one you described (ie patient and willing to deal with your reactions to him--someone willing to work with the relationship), then I don't think you need to worry about what his (whoever that future 'his' might be) reaction. Best of luck to you wigton. And thanks for your kind wishes.

Hey wigton, evepm said it really well. First you should take some time to yourself, to sort through this anger that you're talking about. I think it's great that you've come to this realization, and that it helps to explain to you why you're lashing out at these men that come into your life. Do you really feel though that just by realizing this, you've moved past it and you can move at this point back into a relationship? That's not a question for me to answer, but for you to. From his side, though, I think it might still be too soon for you to approach him with this new information. I do believe there is a time immediately after the breakup when the ex might feel that any new facts you bring to the situation are only a means to manipulate the situation. Though this is an area that I'm not entirely confident about, and I'm sure the timing works differently for different people. But it's something to keep in mind. I agree with evepm about sharing the information with him. From what you've said, he seems like a pretty level-headed and caring guy for whom this information would elicit some sort of response. Who knows whether it would make him want to come back. But for him it might at least make things clearer as to why you acted the way you did. And in that case, it can only increase the chances that at some point in the future (whether that be the immediate future or some months down the road) he should reconsider what you two had, and whatever future he might want to have with you. I think there is a reason to be cautious though. And this I think points to what your friends are saying about it. At this point you're no longer in a relationship together, so he might not really want the information. It all depends on whether he hopes to put this relationship behind him, or whether he's still interested in what you might have to say. I will say that I'm at about a month after the breakup, and I feel I've learned an awful lot about myself, and what I need to do for a future relationship. And I wish so much that I could call my ex and tell her all these wonderful things I've learned. But I'm afraid that she'll think the information is no longer relevant. And so what I've decided to do is just keep it to myself, and know that I am learning what to do with any future relationship I get into. If at any time we end up talking, and then she initiates talk about the relationship, I have a pretty good idea of what I'll have to say. But for now, I'm going to wait until she shows some interest in that subject. Which I guess means, I would suggest to you that this new realization is very significant for your life, but you need to wait and find out whether he's still interested in your life. And that's only going to happen when he brings up something related to it. Meanwhile, if you make contact with him, or, better yet, him with you, you know how and why you can be nicer to him, and not lash out so much. He'll probably notice the difference, as will you. And if things develop from there, you might have the chance to tell him after all.

I think having the cats at another friend's is perfect. It gives you an excuse to go visit the cats and a friend! And it means that you can remove yourself as much as possible from his life, and let him think/"live the single life." Whatever that's supposed to mean. About your friends moving in there: I definitely understand the impulse to look after him--after all you haven't quit caring for him. Just be careful how much you allow your world to intersect with his. I think, though, that whether your friends move in with him or not, you should take up the other friend's offer to watch the cats. You definitely want the chance to go visit your cats, and that should be independent of how you're feeling about him, or the situation there. And yes. The month-to-month deal sounds really great. It will make moving out much easier for you to do, because it won't seem like you're making a 6-month or 12-month commitment to stay away from the ex. Just keep yourself protected. Know that he might come back or he might not. The most important thing for you right now is to look at ways you can start building a new life. If that new life includes him in the future, you'll both be better off for the constructive attitude you had toward yourself during your time alone. You seem to making some really significant strides aktrez. You should definitely feel good about that!

Perhaps you should look at moving in with your friend as a temporary solution. You could stay there, and then be looking for someplace else--a place that will let you bring your cats along. I know it will be hard to leave them behind for any amount of time. But your first priority should be getting out of that house. And, yes, I think one of the things that brings so many of us to these boards is this belief that there was something very special we shared with our ex. I still love my ex very much, and I wish I could understand what triggered this need for her to walk away from our relationship. But her life is out of my hands. Whatever will be will be, and all I can do is try to make myself better.

Yeah, I can understand the ghosts part. When I was having to leave my exex's house, I kind of idealized her position of not having to do anything to get me away from her life. I was the one having to go out and find an apartment. I was the one having to pack all my stuff and then do my best to settle in a new place. I'll say this for finding a new place though. It's great when you get to the point that you can look around you and say, "All of this is mine. This is MY house not anyone else's." It happened in stages for me, but with each stage I enjoyed that feeling of independence. It showed all of my better qualities to myself--which of course is something we all need after a breakup. And part of it is trying to understand how someone can go from lovey-dovey to I want to be good friends with you. I told my ex we were lovey-dovey because we were good friends, and I can't separate the two. And, yes, there are going to be times in a relationship where it isn't as intense as you wish it would be, but you stick around, because you love this person and you know that the intensity will come back at some point. Part of love is knowing this person well enough to know that you'll always be surprised by something they do, and that something is what will make you fall in love with them all over again. But sometimes, I guess, things don't happen the way we want them to. What I'm having to learn now is that you stick around and you find a way to talk about it with the other person. That part where you described your ex-b/f getting all quiet, and you knew what was coming. That's me. And what this breakup is teaching me is that I need to be more honest in my next relationship, and not inexplicably get all quiet and distant. Because that silence seems to show that I don't care about the relationship. But Aktrez, it sounds like you've made the very strong statement that you can't really be friends with Matt right now. And you should be happy that you were able to say that. It's such a temptation to be friends right after the breakup, just so you can still have that person around. But having him around is only going to remind you of what you had. This pain is slow work. Slow, slow work. But it does feel good to get out there and work out. Those endorphines are life savers. Plus you can be around people. It's really cheap to put on a pair of running shoes and go to the local park for a run. Just having other people around you can be comforting. And I think Raykay's advice is really great: you could get involved with some local hobby group. Or volunteer for a good cause. I was going to church before my breakup, but I started going more often, and that helps me a lot.

Hey Aktrez, I just read through all the posts. I guess I do have one question. So far, everything has been about you moving out. I guess I'm wondering why he can't move out. After all, he's the one who moved in with you. And he's the one who wants to have all these changes in his life. And if he can afford to go on dates, can't he afford to have his own place? I don't know. It's only a suggestion. I hope tonight has been better than last night.

Hey Buffee, I would suggest you look over at the thread called "Strategy for getting back together with your ex" (here's the link: link removed ). Read some of the beginning pages of the thread, and you start to get a pretty good idea of the advice myJoy gives to everyone on there. For him, you start no contact until the love for your ex is one that can accept the ex's decision no matter what, and then you reinitate contact. It's kind of tough to summarize, but it's at least something to consider. My ex also asked if we could be friends. I'm sure there is a cynical side to both our ex's asking if we could be friends with them. But I think it also points to a confusion on their part. They would like in some way to be with us, but they're not really sure how that together should be. I do agree with Gilgamesh. I don't think continuing to be friends with your ex immediately after the breakup is going to help anyone, especially you. Getting dumped hurts, bad. And I think you'd benefit from a little time spent away from the whole thing. So to answer the question, I think that you should start no contact with the guy. It guarantees absolutely nothing for the future, except that at some point you will probably be able to hang out with him (and his daughters), and not feel disoriented and hurt by his presense. When my ex asked if we could be friends, I was very clear that I couldn't only be friends with her. Of course our love has friendship as a foundation, and since the breakup I've sorely missed her as my friend. But we were also lovers, and I know, even one month after the breakup, I'm not yet able to separate those two things from each other. Of course when deciding how to initiate no contact you should probably take some advice from others on the forum. I started no contact a couple weeks after the breakup. The last time I spoke with her I made it clear that I was leaving the door open for her, and I guess for me it feels like I've done everything I can do to let her know I still love her and I would like her back, but she'll have to make the next move. Others might have other opinions on this. Best of luck. Though no contact is the best policy, it's definitely not the easiest. I miss my ex like crazy at times. But reading through this forum, I know it's the best thing for both of us. I am slowly healing. And I can rest assured that my ex is probably thinking of me in some capacity. Unfortunately, I don't know whether this is with regret for her decision, or with optimism that her life will be better now without me. Only time will tell.

Hey myJoy, It's good to see things going well. I hope and pray that when I get to two months no contact I can be as calm and collected. In terms of you suggesting a time to get together with her, I'd say let this first contact settle with her a bit. You do still have her stuff, which can offer an opening in time. But with all the other factors (ie living with this boyfriend), there's no need to jump too quickly. I'm amazed you could keep your cool even in the face of her being with this new guy. I know you've said in your advice thread that it's essential to have that frame of mind that can accept whatever the ex is doing. I feel that I'm slowly but surely learning what that type of love means, but I still don't know if I could handle another boyfriend being around. Just out of curiosity, have you ever had a problem with jealousy? I realize it's a separate subject, and I'm really asking more for my benefit. I'd like to hear how you take that into account.

Well, skynet, I don't know what to say. The note doesn't sound as nasty to me as it probably sounds to you. A couple things I think are pertinent: first, it's been a month and she's still coming by your place to pick up mail? These are not the actions of someone who wants to keep from contacting you. When I lived with someone and I had to move out of her house I had an address change in pretty quickly. And by the end of the first month, she was only getting a trickle of mail--and that mail she would send to me in bulk. I think it's so strange that she would take all these steps to cut off your cell phone service and take the car, and yet she can't figure out how to get her mail forwarded to a new address. second, she sounds very confused. As most of us sit tight wondering what effect no contact has on the ex, this is a quick glimpse. I think you have the upper hand in this whole thing, just stick to the high road. Remain level headed reasonable and mature if she calls today. Let her lead the conversation to wherever she wants it to go. If she makes reference to the note, just tell her this is really the way you feel, though I don't think I'd go into a list of things you've done to improve yourself. I would stick to the idea that you have faith that no matter what happens things will turn out for the best. Be strong. And know that you have gained a lot of strength since the breakup, but it's the kind of strength you don't need to explain. For the computer thing I would tell her to go pick up a copy of Norton Anti-Virus and they'll have instructions on how to fix the problem. Seriously, she's not helpless. I still can't help replaying the thought of her canceling your cell phone service without telling you. I would help my ex with things on her computer. While we were breaking up, something happened to her DSL connection, and she called tech support. And though it was something I could have helped her resolve in a fraction of the time, I knew it was no longer my business to help with that type of thing. For my ex, I also think it was a matter of her recognizing new levels of independence. To sum up my advice. Let her lead the way in this phone conversation today. And, in order to keep expectations low, I would anticipate having to start no contact again after this phone call. But I guess you'll see when that time comes. Hope this helps some.

Sizz813, Everything you are doing is perfectly normal. During the first two weeks we all go into panic mode--just look at how you phrased it: begging pleading mode. The important thing is not to worry about what you did. Seriously, have no regrets for your decisions. And don't think that ANYONE thinks anything less of you for your what you did. I'd say almost everyone has been through a breakup at some point in their life, including her parents, and they can understand how difficult this is for you. But their job is to stick by their daughter. I know, and everyone who has responded to your posts knows, this much pain shouldn't be normal. The days after the breakup I would just lie on my couch and I couldn't move, I couldn't sleep, I lost 15 pounds in three days, I was having diarrhea (gross I know but the body does weird things), I wanted to do nothing. And yes extreme thoughts would run through my mind. My father said he could probably find a way to get me some anti-anxiety medicine, but I said no. If there's anything you can take comfort from, this kind of pain TEACHES you. And even though you didn't really ask for these lessons, and you would have been happy to grow comforted by a nice, loving relationship, life hasn't been so kind. Think about yourself. Think about why you get jealous and possessive. I know I lost my exex gf because I was jealous and controlling. And I still haven't resolved those issues. I can't tell exactly where they come from, but there's definitely a lot of insecurity, a lot of things I need to learn about myself. Think about those things in yourself. And think about what you like about yourself. And think about those things you thought you should do for yourself but you didn't feel you have the time. One last thing I want to comment on is hope. You mentioned the success story in one of your posts. I think we've all heard success stories like that, and that's why we're in this particular forum. I have a friend whose boyfriend broke up with her, and then a couple weeks ago (it has been two months since they broke up) he contacted her and they're dating again. When she told me this story my first response was, "So he just called you?" Yep. Or as another friend said from the front seat, "Darn right he called her." It's OK to hope. Especially if you use it to keep yourself from calling her or contacting her. I have no regrets for anything I've done through this breakup. I've buckled on I think three different ultimatums I gave her--one of them being that I would never agree to a break, it would have to be a breakup. Another being that a breakup is final, I would never take her back. Both of those I came back and said I was wrong, she's worth it, she's different. In the face of love we're all weak. And hope may look like one of those weaknesses. Because none of us wants to be that fool who invested so much of himself in false hopes. Well, I'll be thought a fool, and I'll be proud of being foolish whether she ends up coming back or not. Because what this foolishness tells me, what this hope tells me, is that I truly love her. And it's painful to see that now, when she's gone from my life, but it teaches me to be thankful for what I had. And for the future, to cherish the woman I'm with. I don't know if I could ever again take such a wonderful woman for granted. There are various paths you can take as you go through this breakup. With the exex I've spoken of I went straight from begging and pleading to extreme anger. Granted, I know now that that was a relationship that needed to end. And I knew it at that time. But that anger stayed with me for a LONG time. Four months later I was still waking up, and the first thought in my mind was how she had done me wrong. There weren't questions about what I could have done differently, it was all her fault. I have avoided anger during this breakup. Partly because my ex has done nothing that I should be angry with her for. Partly because I feel the anger keeps me from addressing things about myself. I'm sure everyone has different takes on this. But from experience, I would rather deal with the sadness of this unrequited love, salve it at times with the hope that she might come back, and then deal with the reality of the situation. She's gone, and I need to see the good in myself, and I need to see what I can try to make better about myself. These first days of no contact are dreadful. And during those first days, I would come to this site and think I could never make it to a point like cassiana--2 1/2 months! But I know I'll make it there. And sizz813, you're going to make it there too. We'll both make it because in relation to the ex it's the only option left. It's OK to still love her. It's OK to have hopes. But those have to be for yourself only--they have to be a part of yourself that you learn eventually to put on a shelf while you work on the other parts of yourself. I had this wonderful realization when I was talking with my dad about my breakup. I have told my ex that I'm leaving the door open. And what I realized on talking with my dad is that I can leave the door open, but that doesn't mean I need to be standing at the door waiting for her to come back. I know where you are right now sizz813, and it's so painful. I would feel like bolts of firy electricity were streaking accross my brain. My dad, when I was at this point, said maybe I should go down and change my tires over and over--some mindless activity to focus me on something else. Whatever you do, just know that my prayers are with you. This pain slows your life to a crawl, but you will get through it.

WOW! There's so little to add to everything that Michael said. One last thing I would add sizz813 is buy yourself a notebook and start writing down all this stuff that you're thinking about. Put it on paper. Let your mind go all over the place. Not that we don't want to hear what you have to say here, but, I can say from experience that I've discovered so much for myself (ie what I did wrong, what I could do right, what I really thought about her) by journaling. And it truly helps. And though I think that Michael addressed this completely. DO NOT beat yourself up over what you've done so far. These breakups are so hard and confusing. Know that everything you did you did because you felt you had to. Don't regret your actions, especially since everything you've done is within reasonable bounds. Now all that's left is to stay strong. For your own sake.

hey supergirl, One other insight I'd like to add to this whole thing is that you guys are still at a fairly preliminary point in getting back together. I think you should take the wonderful gift he gave you (saying I love you first), and be happy about that. It's only been a couple weeks, right? And even with all the charged emotions that brought the two of you together again, there's also baggage attached to those emotions. Though it feels kind of strange quoting a television show, the fact is this rings too true. "Truth takes time." More nights like last night, and you won't have to worry so much about asking a question like "What are we?" Just give it time, and know that it seems like things are going really well. And as for the depression. Remember, even though he wasn't with this other woman so long, he's still pretty fresh from that breakup. As long as you're sure it's you he wants. I wouldn't worry too much about things.

Danimal, I know you have the best of intentions, and it's the reason why I offer this comment. Most people can tell when there's someone playing games with them. I can't help but think that your girlfriend had such an extreme reaction this last time becuase she could see this wasn't about honest danimal, it was about game playing danimal. In my opinion the number one priority in all of this needs to be protecting your own heart. Second priority is "winning back the ex," though even that language seems dangerous as it implies a game. There were a couple times in my relationship with my ex that she told me she was "testing" me, and I had a big reaction to that. Telling her you don't test the people you love. Trust can only develop over time, and it can only develop when both people learn to be as honest as possible with each other. I've learned since the breakup that I didn't hold up my end of the honesty thing as much as I would have liked. But that's getting away from the point. I am not advocating myjoy go to his ex's wearing his heart on his sleeve. In fact, I think he needs to decide how much he's going to show his heart, or if his heart is even in the same place as he thinks it is. Maybe this is game playing. To me it's clarification. And it's all about myjoy, not the ex. And when he leaves, he'll know whether he needs to start no contact again, or if there will be something else.

s&d, I feel like I'm still learning a lot from just reading advice on this board etc. But, I think you have every right and reason to call her. You're at a very nice point with things. What I think is especially nice is that your not calling her doesn't come from game playing, it comes from a general confusion regarding where the two of you stand. As muneca has put it, you're at that "beginning stage" where you're just learning again to let the bond happen. And you're just figuring out what each of you expect. My advice for the call is to do it with confidence (that goes without saying), and not with the object of asking her out necessarily. Play it by ear, and you'll know after talking to her for a bit whether you should try making a date, or just lay low for a little while longer. As always, I'm rooting for you. Good luck!

hello myjoy, I have to say that I agree with kate111. Make contact with her to take the stuff back--if you're ready. That's just an extra tag there to remember your own advice to all of us. In fact, you might even think of this meeting as a chance to figure out whether or not you're really still interested. She cheated on you after all. It might be good to keep this in mind, just for the sake of keeping some distance emotionally. There's one extra thing I see in your situation. It looks as though you're the one to have dumped her. You say you asked her to give the relationship a second chance then you let her go. In which case, it seems that she might feel you need to take the first step in any reconciliation, mainly because she was the one to hurt you, and your response was to walk away from her. Best of luck. And definitely let us know what you decide to do. It seems to me you're at that point your advice leads to eventually. You feel emotionally secure, but now how or whether to make contact is the tough decision.