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a_little_sparrow

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  1. a_little_sparrow
    freaking out, I've often had the same question, as it's all just so discouraging. Here's one of the posts that came up just recently: link removed And then there's the ex boyfriend/girlfriend forum that may have some more "success stories." Generally though it seems that there may be any number of other ex's that get together, but the people are having so much fun with the ex they decide not to come here to let us know they got back. Or they just moved on.
  2. a_little_sparrow
    My gosh, when it rains it just pours. This in a good way I hope. So a mutual friend of EX and I called this morning saying that he had decided to have a karaoke party for his going away. He was inviting me, and then he asked how I would feel if he called EX and asked her to come also. It's one of EX's favorite things to do, and she and this guy who is leaving have a really good time with it, even doing duets and things like that. My response was that, yes, I would like to see EX if she came. Then, in my more clumsy moment (I have so many clumsy social moments), I said, I definitely won't be bent in pain if she would come. God I can be so stupid sometimes. So then I repeated the first thing again. A little awkward I know. I talked to the guy again this afternoon and among other things he said EX would be there. I'm not expecting anything from this. In fact, all day I've had those more depressed moments where I feel like things might not work out. She might not recover feelings for me, and I'll just have to work through this desire to be with her again. But on the bright side, she's not trying to avoid me, and I can recognize that being on good terms is essential to any future possibilities. Another bright side, karaoke party is actually what she and I were doing a lot of during the courtship phase, and we did it quite a bit while dating. She's such a hound for it, and I really have fun doing it too. So. I guess we'll have to see what happens. And I need to remember: positive attitude.
  3. a_little_sparrow
    From what you've said it sounds like you have every reason to be encouraged. The fact is getting ready for a trip does take a lot of time. And even with that, she still said she was interested in spending time together, but just not sure. That says an awful lot. Just imagine how nice it is to think how nice it will be to see her again when she gets back. I guess I can understand your fear, but if you all spent three nights hanging out with each other in the last week, I'd say you have some great ground work laid, and now it's just a matter of letting both your hearts grow fonder while she's gone. And knowing that you have reason to be excited about her return!
  4. a_little_sparrow
    hunterboyhum, One thing you talk about is this fear of trusting your ex if she comes back. I think you're right. All of us, or most of us, would jump the Pacific Ocean right now if our ex came back, but then there's always the insecurity that's there. Some of the things I've read on this site have shown me that IF there's another chance at the relationship, it has to be done thinking of it as something new. It's not going to fall immediately into the position it was three weeks or two weeks before the breakup, just because it can't. Trust needs to be built, and familiarity. You two will need to get to know each other again. Of course, there is a leg up on this as it's already been proven there's a bond between the two people, it just has to be restyled to meet the new relationship. This is one of the main reasons I feel nc is good, and why the healing during nc is so important. The old relationship needs to be put away and laid to rest. Not forgotten, only understood as a wonderful time that happened. And, yes, learned from as well. Everyone here has something they can learn from the old relationship. It's not ALL the ex's fault there was a breakup, usually there's something that we did along the way that helped to make their decision just a little easier. But we need to learn to let go of that past if we expect to have a bright future. Yes, I hope that my bright future includes my ex, I hope that so intensely at times it hurts. But I need to be prepared for her not coming back as well. I need to disentangle myself from the desperate kind of hope and love that wants things to snap back to that previous time. It's not going to happen. If things do happen again, it needs to be a fresh start where both of us are learning to trust and get along with each other. Where things even have that new glow to them, though the newness will have the slight touch of the familiar because of the love that was there. I guess what I'm saying, and it's advice I need to take to heart as much as anyone, is that no contact/healing time needs to be spent improving ourselves for ANY future relationship, not just the one with the ex. If it's with that person then it's great, but it's not the only reason we're trying to improve ourselves.
  5. a_little_sparrow
    Amelie, I definitely think you should try contacting him, but you might want to try testing the waters a bit first. A number of years ago, there was a woman that I broke up with and a year later she contacted me pretty much out of the blue. We started talking, calling more, and then eventually she came to visit me. It was during that visit that we ended up getting back together. I guess what I'm trying to say is that getting a letter or email that put everything on the line might be just a bit overwhelming. But getting something that showed you were interested in him, his life, and what he might be doing right now would spark all those old affections, and make him think again of how he cared for you. You'll probably get some kind of signal from him that will let you know how he's feeling toward you, and you can make decisions from there. Good luck.
  6. a_little_sparrow
    Well Aktrez, You're basically at his mercy. I know how insistent you've been about sticking with him, and that you're not going to let him go, but what you can't control are his decisions to physically move himself away from you. I wish I had some encouraging words for you. What I can say is that he definitely cares for you and loves you. I think it probably kills him to see you hurting, and this is why he's reacting the way he is. But I don't see that any of his actions have long term implications. It looks like he plans to move somewhere, because he plans to be single. I don't know if there's anything you can do at this point to change his mind. Maybe someone else on this board will have some better suggestions. I do think you'll start to find some peace of mind once you find what you can control and what you can't. You can't control him, or his plans. But you can control yourself, and what you're willing to give him. I remember I went through a breakup once where I was living with her, and I asked at one point if we could just be together as a couple until I moved out. That it was too tough for me to live in the same house and not be with her. Maybe this is how he feels. His intention is to move out, but that as long as he's there he wants to help soothe your pain. You have to decide whether it's helping you or not. Is it soothing your pain, or only setting you up for more pain. I hope I'm wrong, but from all that you've posted, it's how things look to me.
  7. a_little_sparrow
    PD, It's so great to have someone come on here with what looks like a success story. You give hope to all of us. For your situation, the kind of trust you're looking for can only be built over time. Think of this as a new relationship, and let it build from there. Accept what she's willing to give you, and give what you feel comfortable giving, and don't worry so much about whether you're back at the point that you left off, or where you "are." From the glass is half full department you guys are in a wonderful place: you're dating, and you're able to show her affection physically. Like you said, just keep having a nice time together and things will most likely fall into place.
  8. a_little_sparrow
    Hey wigton, I think you just need to wait. I know there's a lot that you want to communicate to him, but you need to wait for him to give a signal to you that he's ready to listen. I think a more pertinent question you should be asking yourself is how you're going to handle the situation in future relationships. Granted, if your ex agrees to coffee with you, I think it would be a good time to mention your past. But think about the advice you gave over on the "strategy..." thread. You should do it NOT expecting your ex to change his mind. You should do it mainly to clear the air between the two of you, and then it gives him something to think about. But how are you going to handle this if the next guy you date ISN'T your ex. Do you think it would be best to tell him? Or wait until you start to notice old behavior patterns returning. It's a tough question to answer, but I think a good one in helping you to move past your current state (thinking only in terms of your ex) to one where you would have a fresh perspective no matter the outcome of your situation.
  9. a_little_sparrow
    Hey s&d, You're right. First off I can see that I'm not fully "recovered." I mean it felt REALLY good to get this email from her (and yes it was a terrible risk resending, who knows how I'd be now if she hadn't responded), but I could feel that ugly desperation creep in when I received nothing from her. And second I've got to resist the temptation to start creating activity around us until she gives a clearer signal that that's what she's interested in. Or IF she gives that signal--nothing's for certain. Ugh. The bright side is that there has been some contact, and all contact so far has been positive. I've read in other posts where you mention to be prepared to travel the longer distance, not the shorter one. A sentiment I'm sure we can both relate to at this point.
  10. a_little_sparrow
    Hey bbkay, I would suggest you be very careful if you decide to contact her this soon into no contact. Two weeks after my ex broke up with me she contacted me about some small thing. I got so excited thinking how wonderful it was that she had thought of me, and how maybe this was a good sign. Well, by getting into contact on her terms, I managed to relive the breakup all over again. There was nothing nasty said between us, it's just that it was a huge reminder that all the attachments I had with this woman were gone. My suggestion for you bbkay, is to ask her why she needs to know when you're coming back in the country. Tell her you're still shaken over the breakup and it might be best if you get more distance before speaking with each other again. Of course following K8tie's advice will do the same thing, but I know how hard it is to avoid contacting the ex once she's initiated some contact. It's very important that you take time for yourself and try to heal, and I don't think telling her you want that time is necessarily a bad thing. Especially if you have control issues when you're in a relationship. The more she can see that you're stepping away from the relationship to solve your own issues, and not concerning yourself with her life (ie still trying to control her life), the better. Hope this helps.
  11. a_little_sparrow
    Hey losinghope, The fact is it doesn't sound like your guy has totally made up his mind. Yeah, it might seem like he has because during these last two weeks he hasn't talked to you. But there can be a lot going on in his brain and his heart, and he probably hasn't figured out exactly what he wants. It's best just to give him time. And I can assure you that he will find a way to contact you. There's someone else that posts on these boards that says a man will cross oceans for a woman he loves. And, well, it's true. If he knows where you live, you're not out of his reach. But I can understand how you feel. Many of us on this board are forcing ourselves to sit on our hands so that the ex has time to understand whatever reasons they have for breaking up. And it's very easy to lose hope. I do all the time, and what I try to do is think of a couple things. First off, things will inveitably get better. My dad constantly points out to me that if my exex hadn't broken up with me I never would have met this woman that recently broke up with me. Right now it doesn't sound so great since I'm still suffering heartbreak. But regardless of how I feel now I am so happy I had the chance to have a relationship with my ex (and my exex for that matter). Things do get better. And the other thing, you become a better person. If there's one thing you can be thankful for after experiencing all this pain, you become a stronger and more sympathetic person in the long run. Notice neither of these things have to do with the ex. If that person comes back in your life, it's just a bonus to the growth you just went through. Try to think of yourself first. It's never easy in this situation, but it's the best thing to do.
  12. a_little_sparrow
    Tristesse, Frist of all when this guy didn't contact you upon returning to your city he was NOT strong. That's the sign of avoidance, and usually people avoid issues because they're afraid to face up to them. Maybe he told his friend that he's moved on, and you should be moving on too, and that's why he's not going to contact you. The thing is he probably hasn't moved on completely. He only THINKS he has. I've been a dumper before, and with any woman I've dumped, I thought I had it all figured out when I did it. Then when I did it there was this sense of relief for a few weeks as I thought, yes, now things are great, I just needed her out of my life. But INEVITABLY that decision would come back to haunt me. And I would have to work through issues that I hadn't really prepared myself for. Tristesse, this ex of yours is probably feeling the sting right now. You don't need to do anything to make him feel remorse. Just work on lifting yourself out of this anger. It's OK to be sad. Believe me, while I work through getting dumped, and my emotions for my ex, I find pain to be a constant part of my day. But I also make other things fill my day so that I have other things to think about. I know you've been on these boards, and you've seen a lot of the really great advice people here give about how to fill your day. I'm really sorry you're having to go through this.
  13. a_little_sparrow
    Thanks for responding Neelie. The item of interest was regarding some poems that I had read recently in a lit journal that I thought she might find interesting. Last I'd seen her she had mentioned that she was having a hard time writing this summer, and these particular poems addressed a family situation that was somewhat similar to a family situation she had had to deal with--so I thought it might help her see how someone else explored that type of subject. As it turns out, this afternoon I decided to resend the email, with just a little tag to make sure she got the address. It really was uncharacteristic of her not to send something back saying thanks, and well, you know how I was a bit thrown. She emailed back fairly soon with a thank you and then telling me about her move this past weekend (she moved into a new apartment, which accounts for the lag), and then a quick little story about needing to glue a little piece on her desk. Much more than I was expecting! I'm not sure how to respond from here, whether I should keep up a light-hearted email conversation or let things return to no contact. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I know the question about who she's with was thinly disguised, and I can guarantee that she saw the same thing. I can also agree it would not be healthy to ask that question again. As for you, it's definitely a sticky situation. I would say wait a bit for him to get back with you. Mainly because you want to know that he has some interest in spending time with you. And if he shows that interest then I would consider over coffee going into the subject you felt was causing problems with the relationship. But approach it in the way that you describe the guys writing a letter on your "strategy..." post. You don't intend to use this as a way of manipulating him to coming back to you. Only to let him know that this was the reason you reacted the way you did, and you're really sorry about it. From a guy perspective that kind of apology and explanation could shift you from "psycho-woman I loved, and now I'm away from" to "woman I loved, and now I'm no longer with." And I would think there's more of a chance for something new in the latter category instead of the former.
  14. a_little_sparrow
    So just a brief update on this, mainly because I've been getting kind of upset over this whole thing, and I guess I just need someone to tell me to relax and let all things happen in time. So after emailing her the address, and the nice little item of interest, I've heard nothing back from her. Not even a quick note thanking me for sending on the address--which is actually pretty uncharacteristic of her. I know what I need to do is concentrate on the more positive side of this whole thing. I saw her at school, and then two days later she emailed me nothing emotional, just a quick request for an address. Why can't I be happy with knowing she thought of me? Why can't I just settle back into the whole no contact thing and then wait to see what happens in the future? Any insight would definitely be appreciated.
  15. a_little_sparrow
    Tristesse, You're caught in that unfortunate predicament that we all are. We have no contact with the ex, and so we can't have access to their feelings and thoughts. And what makes this more maddening is that at one point we did have that connection, and that connection was a meaningful and wonderful part of our lives. It is hard to deal with that separation, and that desire to be back with them again. From your post it sounds like you're dealig with a lot of regret and anger of your own. It sounds like with all this confusion that you're going through you want to at least know that you're not the only one suffering--that he is also. But without knowing whether he is or not, you're left only with yourself, and your feelings, and then the deafening silence from his absense. I know it's hard. There are so many on this board who know how hard it is. All we can do is live through it. I'm sorry you don't feel any closure from things, because I'm sure that would help things a lot. It especially might help with the anger you're feeling. But you have to find ways to be good to yourself. I think you need to find ways to get away from so much of this anger because it's only going to cause you more unnecessary pain. From experience I can say that the ex does at some point realize regret. It might not be as quick coming to them as it is for those of us who were dumped, but it comes eventually. And the nice thing is that when it does come, we have moved on. I've mentioned this before on this board, but I had a really bad breakup at one point in my life--one where I was waking and living and breathing anger for four months. Then things got better and I eventually moved on. Eighteen months later I received an email from her apologizing for all the pain she had caused me. Eighteen months! It was kind of her to send the email, but by that time I was already dating someone else. Think as much as you can of yourself at this point. Lucky for you he doesn't even live in the same city as you, so it should be easier to take your city back, so to speak, and to start building your new life, independent of him, and wiser for the experience you are slowly gaining. It's hard now, but with each succeeding day it starts to get easier.
  16. a_little_sparrow
    Hey sweetieone, The best advice is to act yourself. And just try to remember that it's not going to do you any good at this point to bring up the past. If he brings it up then you can talk about it. Otherwise, just realize that you're much more interested in the present and how great it is to get a chance to talk to him. I can tell you last week I ran into my ex, we just happened to cross paths. I was so happy to see her, and I smiled, and we talked for a little while. What I kept telling myself is that she knows we left things with me telling her the door is still open, I don't need to repeat that to her. Instead I can just be happy for this time that I get to spend with her. I can find out how she's doing, and then we can go our separate ways. Just remember the impression you want to leave in his mind when he walks away is a good one. Not a needy one. Hope this helps.
  17. a_little_sparrow
    Hey Pink, Well, others might have other opinions on this, but I think a letter would be nice. Though I don't know if this guy of yours is the type to receive letters and then act on them. A couple reasons a letter is nice is because it gives you a chance to talk about why you broke up in the first place, and how you hope he can deal with those things. But then I guess the more conventional route is to invite him to lunch and then bring up the relationship, and just tell him you were thinking that the two of you should give it another go. Yeah, it's risky, because you don't know how he's going ot react. But it's just as hard telling someone you want to break up. But from what you're saying I think this guy is still interested. And it's still pretty close to the breakup. Good luck.
  18. a_little_sparrow
    Hey Pink, While I think that you should think seriously about what Mr. Good Man and kali have said, I think the answer to your question, "Does he have feelings for me still?" is yes. Obviously I can't say that for certain because I'm only hearing your side of the story, and you're hopeful that he does have feelings. But after only six weeks, and after him being the one dumped, I think it's pretty safe to say he is still interested. If you two manage to get back together though, I would definitely think about asking him to start dealing with his jealousy problem. It is a horrible sickness that can sour an otherwise good relationship. It's possible to at least get the person thinking about it, and hopefully repairing it.
  19. a_little_sparrow
    I think that's an amazing claim that not one person who employed nc "correctly" wanted their ex back. What you seem to be saying is that once something has been broken emotionally, then it can't again be fixed. Personally, I disagree with that. I agree that the ex asking to break things indicates there was a problem with the relationship. And I agree that nc not only helps us to let go of the ex, but also to learn what we need to learn (and I believe anyone who says they are a pure victim in a breakup is suffering some serious delusions), so that we can move on positively. But I do believe there is hope for a reconciliation. And that the dumpee can come to this realization even after serious thought. Ideally we can do this after having the appropriate time to think through things, whatever that time is. Ideally, I suppose, the ex wouldn't come back until we had had that ideal time to think through things and heal. But none of this places us at some foregone conclusion that says, "I'm outta here." I think there's always room to decide in favor of getting back. I'm not here trying to say that I'm the perfect example of someone who has waited that ideal time, and that I still stand by my desire to be back with my ex. I know I stand stronger now than I did because of nc. And I know that at some point, I'll have to let go completely and move on if I can see there's no chance she will be interested. But for now I stand knowing I still have strong feelings for her, and as long as those feelings are there the door is open for her. My goal is to get to a point that I can close that door if I need to, and feel it's the right thing to do. Then to come back to the point (yes, and continuing with the door analogy), she could knock on that door after it's closed, and I can't say I know I would turn her away.
  20. a_little_sparrow
    One more vote to listen to s&d, even go read the string he's been keeping as he goes through the situation with his ex ( link removed ). Just read the first few pages. He was opening doors with other women. He was acting as though she weren't coming back even though he had hopes that she would. All of these actions don't mean that you're closing the door on your ex. You can leave that door open, most of us on this board have. That's why we're at the "Getting Back Together" board. And one of the things we're learning while we're here is HOW to let go even while we still love the other person. It's such a hard contradiction to deal with because none of us want to do it. But we have to no matter the future. We hope your ex comes back, and we want her to come back and find a new & improved version of the man she knew before. If you let go, you will find a greater strength. And I can tell you the way I let go. I sat and told myself that she's not coming back. I believed it to my very core: she's not coming back. And that hurt so much. But when I could truly believe that, I finally saw that there are things I will take from this breakup, things I've learned I need to do in my next relationship, that will stay with me NO MATTER whether my ex opts for a second try or not. And that felt good. And even now when I have darker days, missing my ex, regretting that she is not now a sure part of my future, I remember those things and find solace. It's your life, and your ex cannot be the end all be all of your existence. YOU need to make that yourself. Look after yourself, and, seriously, things will fall into place. Read page 2 of this thread again, and remember that she may be showing up at your doorstep, but she's dating someone else while she's doing it.
  21. a_little_sparrow
    Hey supergirl, I decided just to stick to upbeat and nice. One of the things that she stressed when we talked after the breakup itself was that she wanted it to offer some closure to what had happened between us. At that point she mentioned she wasn't completely settled with her decision, but she thought the closure really was an important point for both of us. The break itself had caused me so much anxiety and heartache, I needed to move away from that time. I'm sure for her there were negative associations with the time as well. And no contact has definitely given me that space to breathe and collect myself. My thoughts at this point are to let her initiate any contact, and to be positive and nice during those interactions. And not to think too seriously about the chance we might get together again until the end of the summer. Of course if she started a conversation with me about it, I wouldn't be elusive. But at this point I don't expect she's going to start that kind of conversation with me. And so I admit that at this point I defer to the ways of others on this board that advocate positive contact.
  22. a_little_sparrow
    Well, So I know I continue to react to the teeniest tiniest things. But I thought it was interesting, especially in light of TrueHeart's recommendation that I email her in the next few days. She just emailed me! Nothing terribly important, only an address for someone we know mutually. But it's also an address she could have asked someone else for. This email, as well as the last one that she sent when she initiated contact starts with, "Sorry to bother you," which I guess I always feel a slight twinge of disappointment over. But I won't make a big deal of it. So, yes, I know this is so small. And I'll answer the email, probably including what I was going to say in the email I had thought to send her. And then just leave the contacting in her court again, and content myself with very low expectations otherwise.
  23. a_little_sparrow
    Hello cync456, My ex started by asking me for a break, and I went along with it at first because I thought it would at least keep me close to her. We would kind of be in relationship limbo where I knew she was thinking about me, we just weren't seeing each other. But every day was as you described it. I was so completely distracted and hopeful that things would work out. I must have asked everyone on the planet for some sort of advice (I hadn't yet found this forum, which has been a godsend since the breakup), but even their take only left me thinking again about what would come next. My suggestion for you is to treat this "break" as though you're broken up. There was someone I read on here who told his ex when she asked for a break that he didn't want to see her again unless she had made a decision to be with him. That might be a stronger statement than you're willing to make, but I do think you need to consider your feelings before hers right now. She is confused? Well, it sounds to me as though you're kind of confused too. My suggestion is that you initiate no contact for a little while. Tell her you need some time to sort through your own feelings, and you want to give her time to sort through hers. Considering what she's saying and how much she's contacting you, I think there are a number of reasons to hope. But I don't think you should let her take you on these emotional roller coaster rides. I hope this helps.
  24. a_little_sparrow
    Thank you all so much. This forum is really amazing. I woke up this morning with that ugly desperate need to call and start into some kind of begging mode. But of course I resisted. Discretion as Trueheart pointed out is key. What's always so hard about any contact is not knowing what the other person is thinking. I walk away from this and think only that she's all resolved about the breakup. That she's saying to herself "It's a good thing. I made the right decision." Perhaps she is thinking that. But of course I go into overanalyzing mode and think too much about the slightest things. And I know that's not the healthy thing to do. I know I've posted advice to others not to read into the ex too much. And I guess what I really need to do is kind of relax about things. The fact is that once the school year starts we'll most likely have quite a bit of contact. She's in a graduate program that I graduated from a couple years ago, and that I continue to do work for. There will be parties, and outings, all opportunities for me to, as s&d says, be myself. And even though part of myself wants so desperately to just pull her into me and hold on tight, I know she has to be interested in that for it to happen. I have to admit that I'm torn about the contact thing. There's actually something that I was thinking to email her about--something light and I think of interest to her. But a part of me says that she really wants the summer to herself. One of the huge catalysts for the breakup was her seeing her old boyfriend at some bar back in mid-April. Two weeks after that she went into this whole thing about being confused--saying she wanted more commitment from me then not wanting any commitment. And she even told me that seeing him made her question everything that we had. And that's when she asked for the break, which led to the breakup. Thanks everyone for the support!
  25. a_little_sparrow
    Thanks ilse. Yeah, I feel in a way that I'm making kind of a big deal out of nothing. I mean it's not like she opened some subject related to the relationship. And neither did I. I even feel as though I was exaggerating about the whole out of breath thing. I told her some funny stories, she told me some. It was generally pleasant. And in the end, I don't feel like her seeing me is going to have much of an impact on anything. I suppose it was good finding out that she's not dating anyone right now--something I think I she would have mentioned when I asked who she'd been hanging out with. It's all mutual friends. I think she would have mentioned another guy if there was one. I guess overall I was just needing some place to vent. Seeing her I was so elated, followed soon after by a bit of a crash.
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