DancingFool

But you aren't with this abusive creep - you got away. The thing about these types of people is that they always present themselves as nice, caring, attentive, etc. No abuser will ever walk up to you and tell that they plan to abuse you later on. It sneaks up on you and in between bouts of abusive behavior, they'll be nice to you. That's why people find abuse so confusing and fall into abusive relationships sometimes without even realizing it's abusive until things get really bad. My point is don't be so hard on yourself because sometimes you can notice some red flags early on, but a lot of the times until you do date and get involved, you won't know. What makes you strong is that once you realize it's a problem, you dump them. Also, you can be the nicest person, but you need to learn to realize that different people exist and they don't value closure or politeness or anything really. So be sure that you don't project your emotions and make excuses for horrible behavior because some people are simply horrible. So no, he isn't saying these horrible things because he is hurting, he is saying them because he is a horrible person who actively wants to hurt you. It's important that you wrap your head around that and that is your actual closure - you have seen that he is horrible and you are done with him. Basically, you need to develop and learn how to enforce stronger personal boundaries. Nice people say "NO" all the time. Quite a few books on how to develop healthy personal boundaries that you might want to take a look at. Also, please do look into personal therapy. If you and your sisters are all drawn to abusive relationships, there is definitely something in the way you were raised that's the root cause of it. Not saying that your parents are bad, but it's possible they instilled certain submissiveness in all of you without realizing the damage of such and now that needs some undoing so you can have a happy life and not be riddled with misplaced guilt.

Any time you start dating someone, they will put their best foot forward at first. That's why the beginning of every relationship has the so called honeymoon period where everything is great, cute, loving, attentive, and rosy. Where you need to start paying attention and what determines if you should stay of dump him is what happens after that honeymoon period wears off. The mistake you are making is that you are stuck on that beginning and trying hard to force him back into acting the way he did instead of paying attention to what he is doing today. Unfortunately, what you are seeing today is who he really is - a guy who doesn't care to meet your needs, who doesn't think he needs to do things for you or even for himself for that matter. So this is where you look at his life and actions at face value and walk away. Never ever mother, push, pull and otherwise try to live for someone else. If he is not applying for jobs, that's his problem. If you don't like someone who is lazy, you dump him and find someone who is more on your level and doesn't need to be told, helped, pushed, asked, etc. He will do things for you because he wants to and not because you had to beg. When it comes to relationships, always look for reciprocation. If you find yourself doing most of the work....that's your clue to walk away.

I don't think he is lying to you about the obvious you can easily check up. However, you do need consider how unusual it is for the mother of the child to run away to another state and effectively abandon her child. There are invariably strong reasons for that and none of them reflect well on this man you are engaging with. So do ask yourself - what is so promising about his talk that you are willing to carry on even though your alarm bells are ringing? Please listen to your intuition because that is never wrong.

I think that when you just barely met and you already feel uneasy and have a forest of red flags slapping you in the face, the wiser choice is to step away completely rather than waste your time "taking it slow." This is a grown man who knows better. His behavior screams manipulative and it's working because you are intrigued......

You need to accept that you cannot police her, control her, or fix her. The conversation to have is what is she going to do about her addiction? Will she commit to rehab and don't waste time on anything less than 90 days? Will she work with a psychiatrist to get to the root cause of her issues? Will she take meds, do therapy, follow through on any rehab requirements for life? The thing is that she has to decide that she wants to be 100% sober and drug free, be it alcohol or anything else, because the work is on her and her alone and it is hard. She will never stop being an addict and staying away will be her life long struggle. She has to want sobriety bad enough for anything to work. Right now.....you are wanting it for her while she is doing everything she can to evade you. If deep down she doesn't want to be sober, then you are wasting your life and health trying to make this work. It's not going to and you need to stop and start taking care of yourself and your own health for your children's sake. I also think you need to look into codependence for yourself because you are putting up with a lot of abuse, lies, cheating....for what exactly? The chaos has affected your physical health and it is affecting your children as well and yet you can't walk away because love? That's not healthy love, that's codependence.

Relationships are all about reciprocation. So if you give and give and get nothing in return, stop giving. It's really that simple. You are not behaving like a partner but rather acting like a domestic servant slave. He goes to work, well so do you. If he can't manage to take care of his business at home in terms of being present in the relationship, doing chores, taking care of himself, etc. then it's on him to rethink what he is doing with his life and figure out a better balance. Right now, he has a relationship with his job and not you. Being that you are so subservient to him, I wonder if you have actually spoken up that you are not happy with the relationship and how things are and that if something doesn't change, you'll leave him. He needs to know that and hear that straight up from you. He can't and won't fix anything so long as you keep prostrating yourself at his feet and crying somewhere in the corner where he can't see what's going on with you. This is not a conversation about why he doesn't romance you, but rather a much more serious conversation that this lifestyle you two are leading is not sustainable and something has to give. If you have actually spoken up and have been crystal clear that the relationship is on the rocks and you've had enough, then get your finances in order and leave him. If you need to get a better full time job, do it. Basically, do what you need to do so you can get out of this and take away a lesson - don't keep giving and giving to someone who doesn't give back.

She doesn't think her behavior is a problem for her and she is correct. She uses you as a punching bag and you keep sticking around taking it. Not to mention you are trying to figure out how to pretzel yourself even more in order to alleviate the pain she is willfully inflicting on you. Instead of asking how to manage this or what this is, you need to stop trying to decipher her and dump her cold. You are correct that relationships, at least healthy relationships, are supposed to be happy and enhance your life instead of being misery and pain. It doesn't matter why someone uses you as a punching bag - there are no good excuses for that at all. None. Learn how to walk away faster for your own sake and sanity.

She used cleaning as an excuse to snoop and dig through every nook and cranny of your house with a very specific intent of looking for conflict. That's seriously shady and manipulative behavior and something you need to be wary of. It doesn't speak well of her character and how she operates as a person. As for how you deal with it? You don't. There is no right or wrong in having a past. It exists. My point is don't get pulled into this kind of a false rabbit hole of who is right who is wrong, whose fault something is and absolutely do not apologize to her for having a life before her. Basically, your response is hard healthy boundaries where you need to tell her straight up that you will not tolerate this kind of behavior. Yes you had previous relationships, yes you are long done with them, yes you are with her today. If she can't trust you or accept that, she can leave, as in don't let the door hit you on the way out. She needs to know that you will not tolerate manipulative bs. If you kowtow to her bs and try to appease her, she will only get worse and worse and your relationship will turn toxic pretty fast. On that note, do keep in eye on how she acts going forward. You seem to have a sensible grasp on what's right and wrong, but beware of people who make you question your own sanity and judgment about that.

What I'm driving at is that when someone lashes out like that, either it's because they felt in danger (you didn't) or because of years of pent up resentments blowing up like a volcano even if the trigger for it seems minor. I think you need to dig a bit deeper into why you reacted the way that you did. The other thing that stands out is that despite saying that you want to save the marriage, you seem very quick to agree that maybe parting ways is for the best. This again makes me think that your relationship has been on the rocks longer than you are willing to face up to. So if you are deep down ready to call it a day, then do it. However, don't move out and do speak to an attorney. Moving out can be used against you as abandonment of your marriage and children and can cost you dearly in terms of custody. So beware and do get good legal advice. Don't act on emotions here. If you are not ready to call it a day and really want to fix things, then you have no choice but to sit tight and if your wife keeps stonewalling you, then you will have to actually sit her down and have a serious conversation about the state of your marriage and where to from here. There comes a point where she has to make a decision to forgive and move forward or to part ways because she can't. She cannot hold this over your head forever and keep the tensions going hoping that will force you out of the house. If she is playing that game, then see above - get legal advice and act per that advice only.

Good. Then follow through with that and give her space to cool off as well. While you are doing that, you might want to think about the overall state of your marriage. You both seem completely disconnected from each other. It's odd to be married for so many years with children and yet not socialize as a couple. Have you been suppressing years of resentments?

The point is that it keeps you on the hook and ready to entertain and stroke her ego. Always look at actions not words. Doesn't matter what she says, her feet are moving in the opposite direction. When actions and words don't match, believe the actions. Her actions - stood you up for better options and when those didn't pan out as she hoped, tried to hit you up for a hook up. Consider also that she thought you are so pathetic that you were just sitting home alone clutching your phone, waiting on her to call you. Yuck. Lose her number today and don't let anyone treat you like that.

Kind of have to agree with Wally here. You are not her first, second, or even third choice. Just some dude she chats up when she is bored. Meanwhile, you've developed a false sense of connection with her through talking way too much while she dodges actually meeting you or prioritizing you in any way. Now she stood you up, so it's time to lose her number for good. Time to find your self respect. In the future, don't waste your time chatting like this. If she isn't up for a date, next her immediately.

You are conveniently glossing over the fact that before you shoved your wife, the situation has already escalated to the point where two women had to raise their voice at you. Yes, when you shoved your wife it was an act of aggression as you physically lashed out at her for not getting your way with whatever you wanted to do. Until you actually acknowledge that and stop pretending you didn't mean to and making excuses that you were drunk and it wasn't that hard, etc, you cannot fix what happened and your wife has no reason to believe that this won't happen again. You need to stop lying to her and to yourself first. As for counseling, it's not her who needs it. It's you. You need to learn how to manage your emotions better, including anger. It's not on her to go to counseling to repair what you've done, it's your problem and your responsibility, so don't offer counseling, go and do counseling for yourself. Show with your actions that you actually mean it and are taking real measures to make sure you don't explode in another physical attack next time you lose control of yourself or your temper.

So what? The thing is that you can't control what they do or what they think, you only control yourself and how you react/respond. In this case, they are using your fear of how you will be perceived against you like a whip to make you jump and comply with whatever they want. So, stop jumping and stop reacting by doing what they want. Learn to step back and put it back on them. Them : "You are soo lazy, look how chaotic this place is. Why can't you do better. You are soo incompetent." Your response: "Uhuh.....sorry you feel that way." Walk away and don't lift a finger. Stop trying to prove them wrong because that's a losing game for you and will always be a losing game. Learn to stop feeding into that kind of bs. Know your worth because that comes from you and not them. You know you are a hard working doctor and mom, then that's who you are. On that note, to answer to your question, in this case nobody is right or wrong. MIL wants to come over early, that's on her. Your place is a mess because you have a baby and it's too early for guests, she'll just have to deal with it. If she asks are you ready yet because she is impatient, then give her something to do that will move things along toward the common goal of leaving sooner. She babysits all the time, then she is good with changing the diapers, getting milk ready, etc. Let her do it while you go shower and get ready. Learn how to use her energy to your advantage instead of trying to do everything yourself because you are too insecure and need to prove yourself. You don't need to prove anything to anyone, least of all her. Stop competing for approval.

^Brilliant post that is 100% spot on that you need read until it finally sinks in, OP. Also, you mentioned missing intimacy and he disappeared. He cares so little and has so little interest in actually doing anything with you that he isn't even up for a hook up. That should really be like a cold bucket of water over your head, but instead you are spinning tales how "he'll find a way to contact you again"....yeah next time he needs his ego stroked while sitting on the toilet. How flattering for you...... You really need to snap out of this and move on already. Block him for your own sanity. Yes, this means he won't be able to contact you and that's the point - YOU need to finally shut that door and free yourself of this nonsense. Why on earth are you pining for someone who is so unworthy of you? Serious question.

Did she over react? Most certainly. Then again, I find your "in the name of honesty" equally odd. A case of open mouth insert foot for no reason. I've come across a lot of movie buffs who will get upset or refuse to watch something you've already seen even if you are happy to watch it again. It's weird to me personally, but they are like that and it's a big deal to them. Since your friend is so into this genre, I'm guessing that it took her some serious effort not to watch the entire show immediately in order to be companionable and watch it along with everyone else. When you announced that you've already seen it all, she probably felt betrayed in some way. Is that rational? No. An emotional reaction? Absolutely. Some people are just different like that. The question is do you really want to keep people who are that different that you can't understand them in your social circle. Basically, echoing Lambert - consider quality.

Don't waste your time focusing on who viewed you. The only guys who matter and who you should give your time attention to are those who are talking to you consistently, asking you on regular dates and otherwise following through on their word and doing what they said they would. Dude who takes you out on a couple of over the top dates.....that alone was kind of a red flag, OP, and should have given you some pause on what this guy is about. Then he suddenly bails - your clue to walk away and if his views bother you, then block him. When dating, look for people who are actually normal, consistent, keep a steady pace, and are open, willing, and ready to date today.

Can only echo what's already been said - you only get to see who the person really is once you start living with them. Sadly, if your case, you are finding out that he is quite the opposite from the person you thought he is and understandably, it's a shock to your system. What you are dealing with is not the normal type of bickering and getting used to each other that happens with couples. The reason I say that is because of his style of arguing and approach to it. The hardest thing that any person can ever change or adjust is how they argue and how they approach conflict. In his case, it's toxic and until he gets dumped a few times and pays the price, he won't even think he is the problem...if ever. More likely than not, he'll never change that approach. Anyway, when you find yourself crying, it's time to get out. Please don't tell yourself that you are stuck or that you need him financially. Just two months ago you were living fine on your own. Tell him this isn't working and leave.

I'm really sorry for what you are going through. I can only offer you practical advice, which is stay in college, finish your education so you can get a better job and a better future for yourself and eventually your mom too. Unfortunately, sometimes leaving this kind of a situation has to be a long game and it's better to be driven by reason rather than emotions. As impossible as it seems, emotions subside and the pain is finite. Setting yourself up for a solid financial future is for life and critical that you keep your eye on that ball at all costs for the long term benefit of all of you. Meanwhile, you are doing your best to support your mom in the only way possible - being there for her emotionally. I can only imagine her pain at discovering this level of deceit by someone she loved and trusted. Please encourage her to start making decisions like if she wants to leave him she needs to talk to lawyers and start looking for a job and means of support. It's good that she is telling her family and friends what's going and getting support around her. She is not the only one in this predicament and being a house wife is not something that precludes her from getting up on her own feet, getting a good job and building a great life for herself without a cheater in it. She does need to grieve and let out all the emotions, but then do gently steer her toward the practical aspects of leaving and how to and no, it cannot be just by you taking on her full support. She is capable herself so please be sure to remind her of that.

Casual sex is neither high nor low place in anyone's life. It's an at will proposition as both people wish and no, it's not an obligation to act all relationshipppy and keep daily contact. Same as most of us don't talk to any friend on an every single day basis. There is nothing wrong with agreeing to hang out and then if in the mood to have sex or not. It's also an arrangement that either person is free to end at any time. Literally the definition of friends with occasional benefits. This guy is pushing for more and that has nothing to do with respect or being high or low in anyone's life. If the OP is not interested, she needs to speak up and be firm about it and be sure he gets it that what she said, she meant. Too often, guys don't hear what women are telling them and assume that with a little pushiness, surely she'll change her mind. OP needs to set him straight on that.

First thing is please do not blame yourself. He chose to step out on his marriage all on his own instead being there for you and for his children. That's a serious character flaw. Consider that you both had some hard times, but you didn't run off into another man's arms, didn't cheat, didn't see that as an option. His choices are on him and him alone, including the drinking. It actually stands to reason that he found another alcoholic to shack up with as water seeks its own level. You might not be aware or be in denial, but chances are better than average that he is a functional alcoholic himself. Second is no, do not run after a cheater. His choices are on him and you deserve better. Not only that, but I'd advise you against taking him back once he realizes how much child support will cost him and decides it's cheaper to stick around and stay married. Third, please find a good therapist to help you deal with the divorce and one who understands that leaving your wife and 4 young children at home while he goes off drinking and cheating is a form of abuse and not something to fix but rather something to get away from asap. You need someone in your corner to help you cope and to keep you strong. Finally, get a pitbull lawyer and get a divorce. Life won't be easy, but it will be that much harder on you if you try to cling on to this lousy excuse for a man. Also, do this for your children. Divorce is less damaging to them than watching dad cheat on mom and yes, children always catch on to that. Better to show them that adults can and should part ways when the relationship turns toxic and yours, unfortunately has.

You need to step back and give yourself some breathing room....and her too. The constant contact can literally become addictive, but it is not an indication that this situation is in any way a good idea to get stuck in. Especially when you two are half a world apart and she already told you that she is not into you like that. Unfortunately, I suspect that your confession put her on the spot and left her very uncomfortable in how to respond without totally hurting your feelings or putting you off completely. So she rejected your advance but also softened the blow with the idea that she needs to think about it. The net result is that you are back to being pen pals and chatting away as normal. So don't wait, but do start to give yourself some mental distance and breathing room so you stop being so fixated and addicted to the constant contact with her. Once you do that, your head will clear up. Btw, it's easy to say that you are so in love and yes, it feels like you are. Problem is that relationships only happen in real life face to face. What you have online is 50% fantasy where your brain is literally filling in the gaps that are missing because the person is not in front of you and you both only show to each other the parts that you wish to share. It seems great and romantic and special, because it's not marred by the mundane life stuff like who will take the trash out and why did you leave the dirty dishes in the sink for the umpteenth time and other annoying habits you have to deal with in real life.

Running into an ex is always bound to stir some things up, even if just memories or wishes past. It's normal and not an indication of a problem. Also, it sounds like it was less about the ex specifically and much more about that picture in your mind of what you wanted or still want in terms of a relationship - a certain look.

It's simple - if he were serious about you and regretted breaking up, he would directly ask you about getting back together. He would literally tell you straight up that he is sorry, he made a mistake and he wants the relationship back. He is not doing that. Instead he is just using you to stroke his ego that you are still sitting around after all this time and still pining for his greatness. Good grief, find your self respect, fish your dignity out of the gutter and move on already. Also, yes block him because someone who will dump you doesn't deserve you. He already showed you that he doesn't value you. Why can't you figure out that you deserve better than this guy?

His actions imply that he is looking or hoping something more will come of this. So if you are not interested, it would be a good idea for you to reiterate that you are not interested in more and won't be. Also, you can tell him that you are not into the goodnight/good morning texts and it's weird coming from a friend. When you need to assert boundaries, sometimes you just have to be blunt in a hammer to nail kind of way. If he ignores you and continues to be pushy, you will need to send him packing for good. A large part of asserting boundaries is that you have to be willing to cut people out of your life who insist on trampling them after being warned not to.