DancingFool

OP, this is the sort complex situation that is way beyond the help of random unqualified strangers on advice boards. Your best course is to speak to a good child psychiatrist specifically about how to respond to your daughter when she is threatening you, how to handle yourself and where to draw boundaries and how. You need that advice from someone who actually knows what they are talking about, have direct experience and education helping parents like yourself. Also, agree with your daughter needs counseling to help her deal with the abuse and trauma as well. Understand that children who grow up with an abusive parent tend to want to please that abusive parent, which is counter intuitive to you and hard to understand. Again, why you need professional help to learn how to navigate this.

You absolutely did the right thing by ending this with him. If there is anything to learn from this is don't ever again do the above. Do not mother a grown man you are dating. Instead, pay attention to his actions and if what he does and how he lives doesn't align with your values, just walk away. OP, there is a huge difference between being supportive toward someone who is working their tail off to get their life into gear and trying to push, pull, and coax someone into being who you want them to be. In the former, the person wants to on their own. In the latter, they don't want to change their life at all and then yes, you are being annoying to them because they don't have a problem with how they are living. Finally, please please pay attention to how his family is for next time. His mother is committing fraud in his name and doing everything for him. Given that's how he was raised and how he is being kept, you should NOT be surprise that he is a lousy human being who feels entitled to do whatever and not work. Why should he? You were beyond right to dump him and your only mistake is that you didn't do it sooner.

So what? Quiet and shy people find good partners all the time. Relationships aren't reserved strictly for extroverts. However, you do need to be willing to get out and find some things to do that will open up your horizons and the potential of meeting people - hobbies, hiking groups if you like outdoors are full of single guys, co-ed sports, volunteering, etc. Also, you are not all that shy when you are willing to invite a guy over for a hook up. That's pretty ballsy there. There is a big difference between insecure and willing to latch onto to whatever and too shy to function. Methinks you aren't being very honest with yourself about your real motivations and until you do sit down and sort yourself out properly, you'll continue to have garbage results when it comes to dating.

He is a child, he is also a misogynist and he isn't going to change, OP. He is never going to pull his weight around the house because he sees that as "woman's job" and that you should just shut up and do it and yes, if you dare to rebel, he'll have a tantrum and gaslight you back into compliance. He also doesn't see what you do for a living as work. So the question for you is why are you staying with him? Start looking for a place and a roommate if you need to and live in peace. Ultimately, it will be cheaper for you and easier as you'll be able to take care of yourself better without this dead weight around your neck sucking the life out of you.

OP, how are you planning on dating someone who isn't into you that way??? I'd change those plans if I were you. Also, consider why you seem to chase after guys who are not that into you? I suspect that while you are busy doing that, you are probably ignoring more mature guys who would make a great bf and who are actually into you. What's attracting you to the insecure, immature guy who brags about other women to you? Granted, I still think that he is simply treating you like a pal and this is nothing more than locker room chatter among platonic friends.

You don't deal with them, OP, you get a divorce. Be sure you get a lawyer who is experienced in handling narcs as they are indeed a special breed of sadistic psycho. Leave, do not speak to him, let your lawyer handle him completely. To put it very simply, it's not that he doesn't know he is hurting you or driving you completely crazy, it's that he loooooves doing it, is doing it intentionally, and literally gets off on it. The more you react the better for him. There is a lot of advice on if you absolutely must deal with a narc, you have to master being a grey rock, i.e. no reaction no matter the provocation. Easier said than done and its own special kind of hell. He knows you, he's studied you, he knows exactly how to manipulate you and what buttons to push to get a rise out of you and as you try to "grey rock" him, he will just increase his efforts to break you down and get a reaction anyway. It's a losing game for you. In short, you don't deal, you get away for good. Kick them out of your life and no contact forever. If you have children and have to share custody, then stick strictly to parenting apps and again, no contact outside of app and schedule. Do not speak to them. Narcs are like cancer - if you want to survive, you have to cut them out completely and ruthlessly.

Stop making excuses for him and start facing reality - he is an abusive bully to others and you too. There is no surprise that he turned on you and attacked you fast when you dared to tell him that he is in the wrong. He is, btw. Overall, you are 100% correct that you need to rethink your life. You are working more than a slave and seem to have zero appreciation for that. As for keeping the status quo for your daughter.....what exactly is the status quo exactly for her? She is being raised by strangers in daycare. She barely sees her exhausted mother who is literally worked to the bone and her father is an absent abusive ahole. Is that the status quo you want to preserve? What example are you setting for her? Work yourself to death, clean and cater to an abusive husband, men don't need to lift a finger to do anything because they are special snowflakes, right? Would you wish your life as it is right now on her? If not, better start making some drastic changes and show her a better way. Kids learn not from your words, but from your example.

Sorry but there is nothing grown up or healthy about trailing a bunch of ex's as "friends" behind you. That's not friendship, that's baggage and most people will see it as that. Learning to let go is part of actual maturity and in that regard you are more mature and sensible than your friends.

When he disappeared, it's because he was busy with someone else. Since that didn't work out, he is back pinging you to see if you are still sitting around pining for him to soothe his ego. OP, when someone dumps you they lose the privilege of your friendship and companionship as well. Ending relationships has consequences. So please don't bother responding or if you do, it should only be "please stop contacting me, thanks". If he doesn't respect that, block him for good.

Please don't put the cart 100 miles in front of the horse. You've barely talked and had a one nice date. That's way way way too soon to be thinking long term anything. In fact, unless he asks for another date, you have nothing to think about at all. Sloooow yourself down. You don't know him at all and have a long ways to go before you get to know him enough to make that kind of judgment, assuming he asks for another date in decent time. Also, pay attention to red flags as he raised some. One that stands out in particular is badmouthing people in his life - his brother in law, his ex. Beware of people who do that as you are liable to find out the hard way that the seemingly nice guy is the actual toxic person who drives people around him crazy. Keep a careful eye on that and don't take it as "cute" or proof of him being a good guy. Good people don't badmouth others, especially to someone they are just meeting.

Are you being crazy? No. Are you in a bit of denial about what a cheating pos your husband really is and has always been? Yes. Remember that whatever you stumble onto is always just the tip of the iceberg with cheaters. So yes, your instincts have been right all along and you should listen to them. By that I mean get a good divorce lawyer and get rid of him. Also, get tested for all STD's. Life is so much better when you don't have that sinking feeling in your stomach that something is off eating away at you.

When you are contemplating getting a third job so you can hang on to and support a leech....I think you've completely lost the plot on what a good relationship looks like. Sorry to be so blunt. There is nothing that you can say to him because he is not interested in getting a job and changing the status quo. Why should he? He gets to sit home and do absolutely nothing while you work 2-3 jobs to support him and pay his bills. You've got to admit that he has one heck of a good deal going with you and no matter what, you will not get rid of him. You whine a bit, he blocks you, you keep working paying his bills, he keeps living off you, you make bs excuses for him being a leach and a user and he keeps living high on the hog. Also, serious question - what does he do all day long when you are working that much? It's very clear he is not actually applying to any jobs and he is not taking care of his mental health either. Truly the only way is for you to tell him that you can no longer afford to keep him and he needs to move out by x date. See how quickly he gets a job or dumps you and moves in with someone else as you are no longer of use to him. I'm sorry, OP, but this relationship of yours is entirely parasitic. You really need to think long and hard why you are tolerating this and even defending it by asking people not to tell you the obvious - dump him.

Doesn't sound like your wife is the inactive schlep you are making her out to be. It does, however, sound like you are way more infatuated with this other woman than you care to admit. Is it enough to break up your marriage over? Nobody can tell you that. Talking to a divorce lawyer might be sobering for you in terms of what life might be like post divorce financially and whether those trips abroad will still be feasible or not. Anyway, this doesn't sound like anything to do with biking and a lot to do with the fact that you are taking your wife for granted, don't value her and are itching to check out a new flavor. All I can say is whatever you do, don't cheat. If you are certain that your marriage is done, then be kind and just get a divorce.

OP, I'll just echo what someone else said because it's worth repeating - you are not responsible for her as we speak. Also, she is not lost and isolated in some foreign land. She is living with her family and is far from alone. Care is available to her but she chooses not to go. Support is available to her and think about it rationally - her parents are supporting her and letting her live with them for 2 years and going even though she is perfectly capable of getting a job. They are not the monsters she makes them out to be. In the US, it's not common for adult kids to live with mom and dad and be supported like that. Also, if she lied to her family about getting her degree, this is not so much her depression as it is her ego. She can't admit that she failed something or needs to go back to complete it later. Instead, she is pretending, lying to people, and hoping to get away with it instead of dealing with her life and getting a job or actually doing something concrete about finishing her thesis. This has nothing to do with depression and a lot to do with major character flaws in her. On that note, by hanging around, you are actually enabling her self destructive behavior. As long as she thinks that she'll just move in with you and live off you, she can continue to play drama games and keep lying to people, including you. You are actually stopping her from getting a grip on herself and doing what she needs to do to get on with her life. Btw, vague threats that she might kill herself is emotional blackmail and manipulation to keep you on the hook and feeling responsible even though you are not. There is literally nothing that you can do for her from abroad and even if you were near her, still all you could do is call for an ambulance if you know where she is. I would tell her honestly that this is not working out and then block her from all contact. Don't keep reaching out to check up on her or try to stay friends in any way. This is both for your and her well being. Make a completely clean break and be done. Let her family and doctors deal with her issues because that's what she really needs - professional help. Quasi-dating you long distance is allowing her to avoid that.

Also I agree with this. Given your past relationship history, do be sure to stay centered and keep your feet on the ground. After abuse, anyone showing some basic human decency can seem as way more than they really are just because you are absolutely starved for it.

The reason I say just ask him a sort of neutral question is because unless he is completely dense, given your connection, he'll read between the lines. This gives him a nice opportunity to either reject you very softly by telling you that he never would cross that line or that he would with the right person, which then opens room for asking for a date. Don't try to read tea leaves and don't keep getting more enmeshed only discover later that he never saw you as more than a friend he enjoys talking to.

So you didn't value her, treated her like dirt, took her for granted, cheated on her, and dumped her.....and you are surprised that she moved on? In your mind she should be sitting around pining for your greatness? Which part? The cheating part? The taking her for granted part? The being a sleazy low life part? Which part of you she should be missing? Your sense of entitlement is mind boggling.

Even so, I'd just ask him a simple question about how he feels about dating a student of his. It will allow you some easy perspective without necessarily putting yourself and your friendship with him on the line. Depending on how he responds, you can take it from there.

In that case, since you are his source of income, he is not likely to take things further with you. He may not be in position where he can compromise that even if it's not a lot of money. If you really want to know, then next time you two hang out, just ask him if he'd ever date a student of his. His response should tell you where he really stands on that and whether you can pursue more, as in ask him on a date, or stop and just enjoy his friendship. What I don't recommend doing is trying to get more enmeshed with him and invest more time and feelings into this without knowing where you really stand.

I'm a little confused. Are you taking lessons from him or he from you?

Sounds like after three dates you are learning that he is very boring and has nothing more to offer besides some surface flirting and same old stories and pics bragging about himself and his life. I'd pass if I were you. If after three dates you are already feeling irritated, that tells you everything you need to know - hard pass and next.

I think you need to realize that her and her husband are two peas in a pod and happy living the way they do - in filth. Not sure what on earth does a Christmas tree or cleaning house or carpets have to do with just the husband? They are both choosing to live like that and are obviously fine with it. Not sure what you are getting out of this friendship since all you are to her is an errand boy so to speak. She is a user, you are getting used. No surprise that she had a fit when you suddenly refused to be used some more. This is exactly who she is and has always been. You may want to rethink what company you choose to keep.

OP, your bf was not OK with your dad coming to help, only OK with your dad bringing the tools. This guy still very much wanted to stay in control of the situation and not in a good way. Which is why he also told you to tell the other guy who pulled over to help to go away. Your bf is simply too insecure to accept help from anyone. When you told the guy who pulled over that you do need the help, your bf's ego was badly injured and he ended up lashing out at you in way that is threatening and passive aggressive. For this reason and the fact that you've only known him a month - I'd dump if I were you. Don't waste your time on insecure men. They are a nasty breed. You can't understand why he acted out like that because you are normal. Asking for help when you need it is logical. For insecure guys, they'd rather sit there for hours struggling than accept help. It's childish behavior. Add to it that he lashed out at you the way he did and what you are learning is that he is not a very good person.

Sorry but I think you are pretty deep in the friend zone with him. If he was into you, he wouldn't be talking about what other women he thinks are hot. That's platonic friend talk, not potential romantic interest. As for the flirting. Some people enjoy flirting but it's completely meaningless to them and will never lead to anything. Surface fun and nice for the ego if it's obvious you are really into him. Always take flirting with a large grain of salt. As others said, pay attention to actions not words. He isn't asking you out, he isn't interested.

I don't want to be a relationship breaker. Proceeds to contact a guy in a relationship. Yeah....... I don't know if you were toxic at 17 or if you are just over dramatizing your past and were simply a normal 17 year old who rightfully shouldn't have been involved or ready for anything serious. However, you are definitely acting toxic today. Please stop that and stay away from this guy. His silence is telling you everything you need to know - he is not interested. As for you, please get your head screwed on straight. Dating some d-bag and getting hurt isn't Karma, it's just life experience. Now you hopefully know what a d bag looks like and will avoid them in the future. It's not a license for you to start chasing guys in relationships just because you've known them in the past. In fact at your age bracket, 5 years is a small lifetime and people change a lot. You don't know him and whether he is all that or not at all. So please don't put him on this imaginary pedestal of greatness. Usually, idols end up having clay feet, OP.