DancingFool

It's been 2 years - long past due for you to get out of Annie's life and business. The problem with trying to stay friends with an ex is exactly this - life gets very very messy and you'll end up paying a price for that. What she does with who and how is absolutely no business or concern of yours since the day you and her broke up. Unfortunately, when you date someone, it's not easy to tolerate and stay out of. I think it's time for you to stop lying to yourself how this was a mutual and friendly break up. It wasn't and you were obviously hurt and bothered. If it really had been so mutual, you wouldn't have been going around trash talking her and Sam to other mutual friends. The other factor is that you should have addressed things with Sam immediately by either letting him know that you are fine with him pursuing your ex or not, rather than getting upset behind his back. Again, problem with that is that people will opt to avoid drama, so you lost friends all around. Ultimately, it's time for you to step away from your ex and all this drama for good and start making new real friends. Chalk this up to a life lesson learned. When you break up - let go completely.

He pushed your boundaries. You called him out on that. He said he is sorry and that it won't happen again. Now it's on you to decide whether you are willing to forgive him and give him a chance to show you he meant what he said or you can't get past this and need to dump him. The trouble with long distance relationships and only seeing someone a couple of times a month is that you really don't know who he is and what he is really like day to day. So now that you have conflict, you don't know how to judge that. You literally don't have enough information on his actual character to figure this out. Regardless, you do need to make that decision to stay or go, because the one thing you don't want to do is get stuck where you resent him for it but keep dating him and holding it over his head. That will make your relationship toxic.

Dude....you have multiple strangers, that have no pony in this race, telling you that you are over enmeshed and again....you keep right arguing and just telling people that if they don't agree with you, they must not understand. No, we do actually understand. Again, you are over enmeshed. Your own behavior was not stellar to put it politely. Looking up things online to prove your point and shoving it in her mother's face was absurd behavior on your end and completely out of line. So was all the driving your gf around and jumping at her beck and call. You do realize that your gf survived without you and without a car just fine before she met you, right? So much so, that she didn't feel the need to learn how to drive or get a car. Her mother may be toxic, but so are you. You and the mother got into it like two dogs fighting over one bone. If you refuse to see where you went wrong....you will continue to repeat your mistakes again and again.

... Would you ask a guy who robbed you to comfort you? Whatever feelings you have, write it out and burn it. As for this guy, just dump him. He is not worth your emotions and please don't hope that he will be all sorry about who he is and will have some sort of an epiphany about how wrong what he is doing is. He is not sorry, he'll never be sorry. Get away from him today and save your breath. Any confrontation with him will not go how you imagine and in the end will make you feel worse than you already do.

Just don't leave the game for too long. Taking a time out to sort yourself and figure some things out is all good and needed right now. However, don't go on a dry spell for years or you'll end up with the man in the desert problem - any filthy puddle tastes like divine spring water. 6-8 months and do start dipping your toe in the dating pool and see how you feel and make adjustments as needed.

It's not about blame so much as learning how to keep healthy boundaries for yourself and your own sake and well being. As the old saying goes, "when you try to please everyone, you end up pleasing no one, least of all yourself." You can be kind and good to people around you while also being good to yourself. It's literally called boundaries. Funny thing about boundaries is that when you have them, people will respect you more and when they respect you, they also like you more. When you just give indiscriminately, you'll attract users who don't like you and don't care about you, but they will happily suck the life out of you. There are some books on boundaries and how to develop healthy boundaries that you might like to look into. It might help you a lot.

..... Relationships that are 7 and 6 years respectively take some serious commitment.... Food for thought here...... You seem to have the opposite problem of over committing to the wrong person for too long and then taking a long time to recover and not committing at all during that time. Sort of like a pendulum swinging too far to extremes in either direction. You've got to work on settling into that happy middle ground - learning what healthy looks like and learning when to stay and when to let go when it's actually warranted. Also, there is a huge difference between wanting perfection and recognizing deal breakers and setting the person loose. You kind of have to sit down with yourself and figure out what is a deal breaker and what is an easy to tolerate flaw for you personally. Keep in mind, that everyone is different on that. What do you need to be happy with a partner and what you would simply like but are OK on compromising on. Literally sit down and make a list and every so often, review it and rethink - is it still applicable or does your life/dating experience teach you something else and you need to add/subtract accordingly.

So if a guy tried to assault you, you wouldn't care if your friend goes on to sleep with him? Totally cool with you? You'd be happy for them both? Come on......

I think you need to rethink what you expect from strangers and also, what you are and are not willing to do for a stranger. Should be common sense not to agree to do something that you find painful or unpleasant. Unfortunately, it seems that you did it expecting some kind of a return on your investment/sacrifice. What you are learning the hard way is that no, you don't get something in return for something you did, especially not from a complete stranger. I'm really sorry for how low you are feeling right now. Please do go see a doctor if you are not feeling right physically and continue to feel like you can't get clean. Also please do rethink what you are doing sexually and what your boundaries should be. You seem to be willing to do too much while expecting way too little if having breakfast after makes it seem like the guy is just great to you. Just because he didn't kick you out in the morning like a prostitute, doesn't make him a great guy. You really need to raise your standards....a lot.

I'm somewhat amazed that the posters here see nothing wrong with attempted sexual assault and would rather call this woman a liar than recognize that this is seriously messed up and creepy behavior by a 50 year old man. I don't care if alcohol was involved or that it was a swinger party. Consent is consent and there was none here according to her friend. All the OP has is her friend's word to go by, which is that this man tried to force himself on her. That should be enough to send the OP running for the hills. Instead, she is sleeping with this creep and lying to her friend about it. This is beyond messed up. To the OP, yes you need to make up your mind who you want to be loyal to - your friend or a 50 year old creep who is happy to fck someone young enough to be his daughter and he doesn't seem picky in how he gets that so long as he gets it. Your life, your choice.

Please don't bother confronting him about it because it's pointless. He'll just deny, lie, shift blame and otherwise gaslight you to death. Unfortunately, you already have all the information you need. This guy is a cheater and will cheat on you while you are away. He has no moral compass and no problem with that. Keep in mind also, that this is how he was raised. If women from his side of the family are complaining about cheating....RUUUUUUN. Do not sign up for this garbage. Yes, it is incriminating enough. Ruuuuun. Get out. Save yourself. What you found is tip of the iceberg. Thank your lucky stars that you are not married to this creep and also, do get tested for all std's. Again, what you discover about any cheater is just a fraction of what they've done. You don't need anything except to value yourself and understand that you deserve better and this guy is trash, stinking trash at that.

Sorry, but no she didn't muck you up. You were mucked up to begin with and have never fully addressed and dealt with your issues. As such, there is no surprise that you latched on to someone who is toxic af. Like attracts like kind of a thing. Not saying that you are toxic, but rather that mucked up attracts mucked up. She is disordered, but then so are you in your own ways. If I were you, I'd block her from my life and put in serious work into getting with the right therapist and getting your own head screwed on straight so that you can be a good partner and find a healthy relationship in the future. Think like a good year's worth of concentrated work on yourself and not just some few b$tch and moan sessions on the couch. Your relationship history is swinging from one extreme to another extreme and there is nothing healthy about it. You need to figure out where balance is. Overall, you fell in to the classic trap where she is hot in your eyes and also a damsel in distress you can rescue because you are not abusive like all the other guys were. Big ego trip that indicates you are pretty insecure deep down. You are still surprisingly oblivious to the fact that she is the abuser and the common denominator in her so called horror life story. In fact, I'd bet good money that not a single guy she dated was ever abusive to her. You are quite literally experiencing how psycho this woman is and ....still can't seem to connect the dots. Why is that?

If there was ever a perfect example of right fighting to lose, this is it. It's actually hard to believe that you went online to do research just to prove her mother wrong and then went on a rant about her abilities as a doctor and how she doesn't meet US standards, etc. Like how on earth did you think that was going to go down? They'll be in awe of your greatness? Dude, you let your ego run you over. She was right to dump you. The mother here is pretty much irrelevant given how unhinged and tone death your own behavior is. Also, you were treating an adult woman like she is your 5 year old kid. If she wants to go to the ER, that's on her and not your business. If her mother doesn't want you looking at her foot, again common sense should dictate that you should step back and leave them to it even if it is strange to you. You need to learn when to step back and leave people to make their own decisions and not play daddy/chauffeur to your gf.

You don't. You block them both from all access. Her mother is not your problem or concern once you break up. If you genuinely feel like you are at a point in life where you'd like a serious long term relationship, then you do need to walk away from this and actually spend some serious time sorting yourself out. You mentioned that before her, you had some toxic dating patterns. So it's no surprise that you were drawn to someone who is toxic. Like attracts like or in your case, it's what's familiar. Please get off that hamster wheel and do what it takes to get your head screwed on straight so that you do find a healthy relationship with a healthy woman that actually lasts happily. You do deserve that. I hope you realize that.

Please stop spackling over the fact that this man is extremely selfish and self centered. Your "relationship" only worked because you were busy catering to his temper and were too willing to put up with garbage treatment with a smile plastered on your face even though he wasn't reciprocating or being good to you in any real sense of the word. Intelligent, articulate, successful, we had good conversations, or I liked his friends does not a relationship make. Your reaction to dump him was absolutely spot on. That was your instinct stepping in to save you. Please please do not go back on that. His "f you" was just tip of the iceberg. OP, you seem to have a poor grasp on what a healthy partner and a healthy relationship looks like. The reason I say that is because you are way too comfortable catering to raging selfishness. A man who tells you that giving in a relationship is giving up power should be your clue to run for the hills screaming. Yet somehow....you either ignored it or it didn't register for you as a severe problem that should be avoided at all costs. If I were you, I'd spend some serious time exploring why not before you venture into dating again. You are too prone to catering to a holes and putting up with abusive behaviors and normalizing them. Btw, you have given good advice to posters on other threads....sooo....maybe start applying that to yourself? You know what's right and wrong, so apply it to yourself too.

I'll just cut to the chase - she engages with him because she likes his attention and doesn't care if that bothers or hurts you or your relationship with her. You can't tell her what to do or who to talk to or not. You SHOULD judge her for her actions and if you don't agree with what she is doing or how she is treating you, then dump her. This is why we date people - to get to know who they really are. This girl is showing you that she'd rather have attention from another guy than respect her relationship with you. That's her prerogative. You don't need to be a doormat who puts up with it. On a side note, stop arguing with her or trying to explain that what she is doing is wrong. She knows, she just doesn't care.

Well....how ironic that she was accusing you of not being a child person when you were the one who actually showed more sense about the children than she did. She is still going through the divorce. The children are literally still processing all of that and now she wants to introduce them to a new man who may or may not work out in the long run. Why would she push that? So they can be even more traumatized? Also, she wants to hold that against you? I'll just say this again. This woman is not anywhere near as great as you thought and you dodged a huge bullet. This is why we date and why it takes a long time to get to know someone for real. Six months is nothing. When you start seeing red flags, pay attention. In this case, I think you are lucky it ended when it did even if this is hard to accept. You are very stuck on "she called me perfect" which is more your ego talking than your rational self. Nobody is perfect and it's not really an endearment as such. Be wary of those who put you on a pedestal as the fall will hard and abrupt.

Thing is that you don't actually know that. You don't have any way of knowing what really went on in their marriage and whether anything she claims about her soon to be ex husband is true or not. You've known her barely 6 months, which is still the honeymoon period. However, you should pay careful attention to the sudden change and how mean she became to you. It's one thing to decide that you are not happy or don't want to continue a relationship and end it politely. It's quite another to start sniping and attacking you with absurd things like your last name, or the way you walk, or the utterly ridiculous idea that you can't be good with children because you don't have any yet. That's pretty cruel and a forest of red flags. Sorry to say, but I think you dodged a bullet here and should actually close the door shut on her for good. Rather than focusing on a good few months, pay attention to the way she is treating you right now because you are getting a good look at what's behind the facade and it's not pretty. She is quite cruel. It would be different if she came to you and said something along the lines that she is going through a rough patch and needs to step away to sort herself out and maybe down the line you can reconnect if you are still single. That would be honest and kind. Instead she is blaming you and accusing you of the impossible, like not having children. Literally....***

Look, reading and not responding or responding only intermittently will get you exactly the kind of behavior you are getting. Just tell him "thanks, I don't do that." You are making this way more difficult than it needs to be and you are actually being rude because you are stringing him along. Sure MOST people would get the hint and quit. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who are pretty dense and will keep asking and interpret your intermittent responses as interest and that maybe you are just busy when you ignore them. They are OK with that. Besides, you trained him that if he persists, you'll respond eventually. Stop it and just tell him "no, I don't do video chats." You will have to be direct with him in a hammer to nail kind of manner.

I'd just tell him that we are not compatible and keep it very neutral or go along with what he set you up for - sorry, but you are right, I do have trust issues and therefore we need to part ways. It's not you, it's me. Good bye. Also, I'd block him because people like that don't take rejection well, unless he already has someone lined up, and is liable to give chase. Please don't confuse that for caring. If you do decide to end things, please don't leave dating for another 5-10 years. Rather date and work on fixing your picker. Learn to listen to your gut because it's correct. If your gut is telling you that this person is not trustworthy, believe it. When people show you bad character, walk away immediately. Don't hang around hoping for change or just because some parts are good. In a good relationship, ALL parts are good and you'll feel safe, secure, and loved instead of being haunted with a constant feeling that something is off and not quite right.

^This is where you should have dumped him instantly. Your gut has been screaming at you for long time, which is why you can't trust him. You looked and found that you were right. His response was to gaslight you and shift blame on you for his cheating or attempting to. This is the sort of thing where you call it a day and walk away and don't look back. I don't care how great other aspects of this relationship are. Understand that cheating is a form of abuse and you've already been in an abusive relationship once. Don't repeat the mistake again. Consider also how he is treating you at the moment - making demands while dangling the marriage carrot in your face and simultaneously threatening you that if you misstep, it will be your fault you aren't getting what you want. This is early stages of abuse - getting you used to doing what he wants and making you the bad guy. It's subtle, but also not so subtle. Just because someone isn't screaming at you or beating you....yet....doesn't mean you should ignore manipulative behaviors like this. You are learning the hard way that in his marriage, he was the toxic cheater, not his wife. She left, you need to run fast and far just as well.

Thanks for asking, I don't do video chats. When you don't establish boundaries early on, these kinds of things can snowball like this. So be sure that next time he suggests it, just speak up and be clear. That goes for anyone contacting you - assert boundaries immediately.

Consider that people who are blunt are actually much more honest and easy to work with than those who are chummy buddy buddy type. That blunt person is telling you in a very straightforward way what they want you to do and how they want it done. All you need to do is listen and do as asked or directed. They are not being personal with you they are telling you what they need you to do. On the other hand, that nice manager who listens to your problems and doesn't say anything about your work is the type of a person who will use your weakness against you and throw you under the buss whenever it's convenient. Basically, smile in your face and stab you in the back type. When you are so new, I'd be very cautious about seeking validation from anyone, especially when you are working remotely and have no way to really grasp who is who and the internal dynamics of the company. Do your job and treat your paycheck as the validation. If you feel a need for a pat on the back, then consider volunteering for something you like or care about and really get involved in that. At work, don't get too personal with people. Not saying that you can't find great mentors and make friends at work, just that it takes time for those things to develop and when in doubt, opt to be neutral.

YAY!!!! So glad for you and congrats. ✨🎉

....The fact that a stranger you've barely known a few months is proclaiming such love is a red flag bigger than China. OP, google love bombing. It sounds a lot like what you are experiencing and nothing good ever comes out of that. Also, if you don't want to get enmeshed in toxic relationships with toxic people, then learn how to walk away quickly rather than "be on guard". When you see red flags and behaviors that off or too much too soon, run.