DancingFool

If she is struggling to find a comfortable position, if she is howling when she pees, she is in more pain than you can imagine. Keep in mind that animals can be extremely stoic and will be silent as long as they can bear it. She cannot bear the pain, it's that bad. Selfishness in this case is keeping her alive because you don't want to let go for your own emotional reasons. Kindness is stopping her suffering and letting her go asap.

This is truly the kindest thing you can do for her. I'm so sorry and I know how hard this is. Big hugs to you.

Personally, I think it's about understanding who you actually are and figuring out what makes you specifically happy. I've noticed a lot of people who say they are unhappy are very fixated on looking at other people's lives and what they have and then feeling down for not having those things. Essentially engaging in a competition without ever stopping to ask what it is they personally want. What do you love? What do you enjoy doing? What interests do you have? What do you want to have in terms of lifestyle? If you can't answer these questions easily or the answers are "I don't know or don't have any", then you need to start with that. Figure it out. Don't look at others and what they do, but figure out for yourself what it is YOU want and enjoy. Once you figure out what you actually want, then you can work out how to get it and the entire journey is what brings lasting satisfaction. Just keep in mind that it's not about what society wants, what your parents or partners want, what others have - it's about YOU.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He looked you in the eye and lied. Even worse, when you brought up the topic, he instantly turned manipulative and essentially threatened you with break up by bringing up his ex and claiming that she was "controlling". He was essentially telling you to back off or else. Except that his ex wasn't controlling, she didn't appreciate being lied to or having a bf trolling other women and who knows how far he goes with that. No, what he is doing is not the same as porn. When you find out that someone you just started dating doesn't share the same values as you, it's time to dump them. This is why we date - to learn these kinds of things. Also, stop telling yourself how this is all so perfect because it's pretty far from it. Finally, for the love of....do not send nudes, especially to someone you barely know and stop deluding yourself with this idea that if only you do enough, give enough, act like a porn star enough, that will somehow ensure that a guy won't cheat on you. It doesn't work like that. Cheating is about character and lack of. A cheater will cheat no matter what you do. The only thing you do control is who you pick as a partner - don't pick liars and manipulators.

OK first is deep breath. Second is that you need to stop having these conversations with him. It doesn't do either of you any good, but it may lead you into feeling sorry for him and getting manipulated into sticking around for more. Next time he brings it up, change the topic. Keep in mind that if he really was oh so sorry, he'd be talking to a psychiatrist and getting help for himself instead of dumping this on you. Again, this is manipulative and you have to stop this topic from carrying on. Third is start getting together your important documents and put them somewhere safe outside of your apartment, lock down your credit, quietly change your bank accounts and get new credit card numbers and have it all sent to your parents or a PO Box. Do all that quietly so he doesn't know and can't get into things. You are correct in that you need to make a plan to get out and it's not as simple as call the movers today. Read your lease and see if there is an out clause and if there isn't one, talk to your landlord and see if they'll let you out of your lease under the circumstances even if for a fee. Lean on your family temporarily if you think they'll help you. If not, friends or just get together a deposit for a new place. Do not tell him where you are going. Making an exit plan does take time, patience, and planning. Also, absolutely find a therapist or psychiatrist to help you and be your support, including a resource in how to get out. Most importantly, do not forget or ignore that during your relationship he lied to you about major significant things and that's who he is. It doesn't matter why he does what he does because nobody can fix that, it only matters that he does - you can't trust his word and that is reason alone to leave.

Easy - stop trying to tell him what you need and just tell him one thing "This isn't working out for me anymore so it's best we part ways. Wish you well and hope you do find yourself eventually." Don't try to explain to him for the umpteenth time how his choices are flawed in your eyes because that is condescending and patronizing as well. Sometimes ending things is best done with less talk and less explanations. He's heard you plenty and knows what you think already. No need to keep beating a dead horse.

.....Even serial killers have some nice qualities..... Point being that some nice qualities are not enough. Also, it sounds like you need to learn how to keep better boundaries with people. He is bullying you and you are yielding to him and so it works for him. Please stop with the arguments. He is just being manipulative with you by asking you these types of questions. The fact that you are not happy with his behavior is reason enough to show him out the door. Just because he asks why doesn't mean you have to answer or answer to his satisfaction. It's not your job to tell him anything or to teach him how to be a decent human being. The only thing you need to tell him is to get his garbage out of your apartment by x date. Put it in writing. Mean it. Don't engage in the "why" arguments because the only answer is "it's my place and I said so." Stop letting this bully creep into and run your life.

I think Carnatic is onto something here. The alcohol is the red herring while the real issue is your style of arguing and how you both address and resolve conflict. When you say that you got mad at her, how did you behave toward her exactly? Did you get aggressive? Did you raise your voice? Did you make her feel unsafe in some way or unheard? I kind of wonder if she is using "you are just drunk" as a way to deflect and excuse a much bigger issue with your behavior. On the flip side, she may also use the "you are drunk" accusation as a way to either end the argument or get what she wants from you or otherwise deflect from the issue at hand. Hard to tell without some details. Rather than focusing on the drinking, I think you need to consider what you two argue about and how it gets resolved or not. How are your conflict resolution skills as a couple because that sounds like the real heart of the problem.

How he treats others is exactly how he will treat you eventually. Since you already feel unsafe and unhappy with his behavior, time to end things and walk away. This is why we date - to learn if this person is compatible with us or not. You are seeing that this guy is not compatible with you. Dating overall is a time for observation and not trying to fix, correct, or argue about who is right or wrong. When you observe a person you are dating display bad behavior, you have to ask yourself - is this something that I'm comfortable with. If the answer is no, then you simply dump them and look for someone else who is better suited, calmer, more respectful, etc. It doesn't matter what reasons someone gives you for their behavior, the only thing that matters is that how they are doesn't work for you.

What draws you to toxic people? You can't honestly believe that a cheater and a manipulative, abusive liar is some prize to be won. So what are you getting out of this drama you chose to engage in over and over again. Please don't say social group because like attracts like. Meaning that if he is such a big part of the social group, he is not the only toxic person there and again, it all comes back to you - you are drawn to toxic like a moth to a flame. Figure it out because the only person you control is yourself.

His remorse and guilt are worthless, especially considering that he lied to you about pretty serious things when it comes to sex and relationships. To put it very simply and I'm paraphrasing a psychiatrist who specializes in socio/psychopaths - they can and do feel guilt but that doesn't stop them from harming people repeatedly. Given his lying, disordered, and manipulative nature, I also wonder why he suddenly came up with this confession. It wouldn't surprise me if this is meant to distract you from something else he is doing, such as cheating on you. He may have also said that so that you break up with him so he doesn't have to do the dirty work himself and can play a victim instead. Ultimately, it doesn't matter what his issues and motivations are. The real issue is why are you dating someone who will lie to you about major relationship things that can affect your health and well being. You need to learn how to have better boundaries and how to get rid of toxic people instead of trying to excuse and justify and carry on. You can't fix him, but you can and do need to fix yourself and your picker. This guy should be history effective immediately. The fact that it's not clear to you shows that you need to work on yourself some more.

When people show you and tell you who they are - believe them. It really is that simple. So yes, this is who she is and it's not going to change. The issue for you is that who she is, while intriguing and attractive in some ways, is definitely not enough and not a good match in other important ways and it won't get better. It's a bit like having an sip of water when you really need a full glass. It will leave you feeling constantly thirsty and frustrated and that's not healthy. She sounds more like a cool friend/acquaintance you spend time with on occasion, but when it comes to romance and relationships, you really should look for someone who is more on your wavelength and open to being with you naturally.

This may sound harsh but needs to be said - nobody cares about your feelings, especially when you are a contractor, so please please just don't go there. You'll end up looking like a drama queen and that will hurt you as people avoid hiring those who cause headaches. Since you are already getting 40 hours, you can't really claim that you are not getting enough hours. That said, the winning strategy here is rather than talking about yourself and your benefit and asking how you can benefit yourself more, figure out how to present it as a savings for the company to give you more work. After 14 years in the business, you really should know how to frame this in terms of benefits to the company in order to get what you want. You also need to learn how to build relationships with these managers which seems to be a recurring theme with you. New manager and you get pushed out because you don't build a relationship with them. We've talked about this in your previous threads - you may be very good at what you do, but as a contractor, you also need to be good at maintaining working relationships with managers. As you can see playing out right in your face - these relationships matter more than your skills. People work with those they like and trust.

OP, your first instinctive decision to get rid of him was the right one. Stick to it. Please understand that the other girl wasn't sending him those texts out of the blue. He was lying to you both and cheating, so he is no prize and his apologies are irrelevant and useless. Rather than entertaining his bs, go ahead and block him for your own peace of mind. I know you love him, but you will heal and move on and it's better to be free than to deal with a cheater and keep looking over your shoulder all the time. You literally can't unsee and unlearn what you now know about him and all it will do is eat away at you if you get back together. Better that you look forward to something new and also, do give yourself some breathing room, especially given the loss of your sister. Give yourself some time to just process and just be without assorted guys as a distraction.

Wow....this guy is a walking forest of red flags. Like scary and crazy kind. He is ultra insecure and playing controlling mind games by making his issues your problem. Beware and better yet...step away from that because this kind of behavior doesn't get better, it only gets worse and worse. There is no way you can ever assure and appease that level of insecurity. First of all, you should not be talking about what all went wrong in your past. Healthy people focus on the present and what's good right now. Digging into your past is a manipulative way to get you to feel like you are emotionally invested and also to know what your weak spots are. Avoid these types of conversations. This is not deep, it's creepy. Not saying that you don't share about your past eventually.....but that takes time and comes up as appropriate and not as forced early on. Second, telling you that you need to keep sharing problems or else....like what problems should you be having that you need to keep talking about? That is literally crazy expectation and again, notice he is trying to force this from you, aka create drama. Danger danger danger....OP. Huge massive red flag. Finally, telling you that if you don't act dramatic and jump through his hoops and loops that you must not love him? Are you kidding me here? He is psycho. It's not you who is the problem here. You've come across a person who is quite literally toxic and the only response to his demands is "You are right and I'm out. Buh bye and please lose my number." OP you cannot fix that kind of crazy level of insecure. Overall....rather than jumping to beating yourself up because one crazy manipulative person said something negative about you, consider how many other people have said the same. If a hundred people have told you that you have issues with communication then you should consider that this is something you need to work on. However, when it's just one or two people...consider that they are the problem or that you and them are simple not compatible in how you communicate and that's OK. It just means you and those people should stay away from each other. Not everyone is our match.

^This is what you are doing wrong. You are taking advantage of his time and adding chores and errands to his list every single day instead of getting off your arse and taking care of yourself. You are being exceedingly selfish and lazy and your partner is telling you that he is getting fed up. Most people would get fed up with that kind of behavior from their partner. The victim attitude and failing to understand how your behavior is wrong is not helping things either. You would do for him? OK, then get off your arse and go get your own ice cream and maybe run some other errands to lessen his burden. Why is that not logical to you?

Good and don't respond. Looks like you are finally getting tired of his bs and it is bs. A meaningless word salad meant to make himself feel good and to keep you hooked as he periodically pings you to be sure you stay hooked. The more tired you get of these games, the faster you'll finally move on. He might like to use you to stroke his ego, he might genuinely feel bad for hurting you, but he is not sorry for dumping you and is not interested in getting back together. There comes a point where that has to sink in for you. I'll say this again - block him. I know I know....but what if....when you let go of that "what if" you'll finally set yourself free and I guarantee you that the one thing you'll feel is deep relief. At this point you are just afraid and you don't even know of what anymore. It's become a toxic habit.

^This OP. Rather than getting into an imaginary competition in your head with some other woman and the game of more than or less than, you need to learn to look at things from the "are we compatible" perspective and yes, ask questions. If big money and a big house and the lifestyle that comes with that is critical to him, you need to explore that more and understand just how important it really is and how he sees a woman's role in that. Then you need to consider whether his goals are actually compatible with you and what you want. Your minimalist desires and what kind of a lifestyle you want for yourself. It doesn't make either of you right or wrong or less than or more than, but matching lifestyle goals is a critical compatibility issue. So don't be with any guy just to avoid being single. Instead, learn to focus on quality and compatibility. Basically, you need to fix your picker and actually start picking instead of latching on to any man who shows you attention and then freaking out later that maybe you aren't right for each other....after you've already grown attached.

OP, it's only confusing because you are in denial about the obvious - it is your bf. Of course he is not going to admit to tormenting you. You've literally crossed paths with someone who is pathological and is playing very cruel games with you for his own perverse pleasure. You need to get your stuff and get out and block him. Throw away your phone and get a new one once you dump this creep. Do not transfer any data. Completely clean phone. Understand that you will never grasp why psychos do what they do. The only thing you need to understand is that you find yourself in a crazy situation like this, you RUN. As for why won't he just break up with you? Same reason that nobody can understand about all the psychos who kill their wives/gf's - why not break up? Sane people will never understand the motivations of psychos. The ONLY thing you need to understand is that this guy you are involved with is a bona fide psycho and yes, he is dangerous. Stop living in denial and get out before you end up six feet under. Yes, it's serious.

Just message her sister and tell her that these books have sentimental value and that you really want them back and could she please ship them to you. Offer to pay shipping costs. Done. Other than that, take away a lesson to never lend things unless you are willing to lose them.

Just going to second what DarkChoco said - you need to treat this as a proper break up. If he needs to heal and take care of himself and his mental health, then he should not be in a relationship or half in half out of one. He actually needs to be single, focus on himself, follow through on his therapy, etc. If/when he is whole and feels like dating and can make a good partner, then he can reach out to you and see where you are. Same goes for you. You need to heal and focus on your life and move forward. If he comes back at some point, then you can see if you still want him, are still single, etc. However, at no point in life should you put yourself in limbo waiting on someone. He may get his life together, he may never do so. Most often, when people get their life together....they don't want to go back to someone who is a reminder of a past they left behind and unfortunately, you are that reminder because you were his rebound crutch. When the leg is healed, people don't keep using the crutch, no matter how much they appreciated that crutch when they needed it. Going forward, avoid getting involved with someone who is fresh out of a relationship and not really in a good place to be a good partner to you. Seek to date those who are in a good place and open and ready to be all in today.

Also want to add this - your daughter is a child. It's not up to her to tell you what is normal. It's on you as her parent to teach her what is and is not normal or acceptable and enforce that. What this man is doing is about as unacceptable as it gets and his reaction and gaslighting of you....yikes.... You are the adult and the parent. Start acting like one instead of rolling around like a tumbleweed in the wind - he says, she says. This is way beyond arguments, you need to talk to a pitbull lawyer, take your child and get out of this. Also, you and your daughter both need therapy because it sounds like you have both been brainwashed and manipulated quite a bit by this man.

OP, children, especially if molested very young will quite often live in denial and even protect their abuser. It's a form of psychological self preservation combined with being groomed and brainwashed to accept molestation as normal or even love. You don't need a camera to understand what is going on. From everything you are describing, it's self evident that he is a pedo and there is nothing normal about his behavior and hasn't been for years. What's disturbing to me is why have you been in denial for so long and why do you need a camera to put your foot down and divorce this creep and remove your daughter from his clutches? Get to a good divorce lawyer and get you and your child away from this today. Please do not get fooled into "well fine he won't sleep with her at night" because he can molest her any time of day too. There is literally nothing normal about this and hasn't been for years.

How do you improve your situation? STOP appeasing her insecurities and stop isolating yourself from friends and having a life. I know you love her, but this is a toxic relationship. What you actually need to do is sit down with her and grow a spine and set out some boundaries. Meaning that yes you will go out with friends and she is welcome to join when appropriate. No, she may not make wild accusations of you being a cheater or otherwise acting inappropriately toward you. IF she continues to act like that and to punish and control you because of her issues, you will dump her. Yes, I don't care how much you think you love her, you will need to walk away if she is not willing to work on herself. You see, you cannot fix her, appease her or ever prove to her that you are trustworthy. It is on her to get over her issues and seek therapy if she needs to in order to address her problems. There is literally nothing that you can do because she will always move the goal posts on you and the more you try to appease her, the more she will control you instead of addressing herself. IF you don't have mutual trust and respect in the relationship, you don't have much of a relationship. Your partner forcing you to become socially isolated while accusing you of being a cheater and a liar is a form of psychological and emotional abuse. Finally, please don't play house at such a young age. Do socialize, do focus on your education or career/job choice, do give yourselves time to grow up before you make any long term partner commitments. You'll look back in a couple of years and thank yourself for that.

Having an exit plan is smart. Other than that, try to keep an open mind and go with the flow so to speak. After all, you are there for your friend. Why does the movie "The Hangover" come to mind?...lmao...