DancingFool

A huge part of working on yourself and sticking to all that work is that you leave ALL the toxic connections, be it friends, work places, or romantic partners, behind you and completely cut them out of your life for good. Reason is that when you are not in a good place, you will inevitably attract people who are not good for you. This guy was stalking you and yet you ended up dating him even if deep down you kind of felt coerced. You were coerced and he is still trying to manipulate you now. As for hoping that people change....that kind of hope can land you in a great deal of trouble. What I mean is that normal sane people can and do change. You being a case in point. However, assorted psyho/socio paths, narcissists, various abusers and control freaks do not change ever and usually get worse with age. Reason they don't change is that being who they are works for them brilliantly. They can use, abuse, manipulate other people for their own gain and pleasure and have no reason to stop that. They don't even see other people as human, but rather as appliances. The most dangerous thing you can do is sit across the table from someone who has shown you he is abusive, listen to him tell you how he has changed and actually believe him. He is 100% manipulating you by telling you exactly what you want to hear and passionately believe in because of your own experience in growth and change. This is essentially your blind spot and something to be very very aware of. When it comes to relationships, choose people who don't need to change. They are good as they are and their flaws are minor things that don't bother you. Finally, I think you need to be careful about telling yourself that you can't form relationships. You can.

Oh come on....OP..... You can absolutely rent your own little office. Covid has actually made that easier and cheaper as a lot of people have vacated offices. There are things like executive suites - big and tiny, but totally cost effective if all you need is small room and a desk and internet. There are co-working spaces where again you can have your own space cheaply. Co-working spaces can be both - open work areas and also offer personal enclosed offices for people who need exactly what you need - quiet. Also, after hours they are all pretty much empty and quiet. You can go to a small office building and offer what you already have - cleaning services in exchange for an office room and low/no rent. Please don't make excuses for keeping this toxic psycho in your life and being beholden to him like that. My overall impression is that you hang on to him because he strokes your ego and makes you feel good. Too bad that he also turns around and abuses you. Please do better and get out of this mess. He is not a friend and you need to stop calling him that.

Dude....she is telling you point blank that she doesn't give a flip about you, what you do, or who you date. She couldn't be more blunt if she got a sledge hammer and hit you over the head with it. What is it that you are still failing to understand about this? She is not into you. She is seeing other people. She doesn't care what you do or who you are seeing. She is never going to be into you or exclusive with you. Pick up whatever is left of your self respect and walk away from this already. You are starting to embarrass yourself at this point.

It doesn't matter. The point is that she is not feeling comfortable with how much you are spending or might spend and is letting you know that. When you do mention x-mas gifts, it can come across as you might be planning something over the top and she is telling you that it's too much too soon for her. It doesn't mean it's a bad thing, btw.

It's great that she made you feel alive and energized again and this actually made me smile. Just keep grounded in that you don't want to place her on this grand pedestal when you don't even know her but for two dates. The myth greater than reality thing. Rather take that energy and sail forward with your new girl and other dates in general and have fun!

Some people wear different wedding rings that aren't "traditional", some people will wear any type of ring that has nothing to be with being a wedding ring, some won't wear a ring at all. In some cultures the wedding ring is worn on the left and in other cultures on the right hand. Basically, there are no rules set in stone about that. It's both culturally driven and also highly individual and personal. If you want to know someone's relationship status, then ask directly. Never try to make assumptions about it based on rings and how they are worn. You'll be wrong a lot and often if you do that.

Genuine question - what do you love about this that would leave you devastated if it ended? You sound so miserable that, looking in from the outside, getting rid of him would bring about nothing but peace and relief into your life. It's kind of an odd triangle, where he is trying to buy the love and affection of his wife and child, while you are trying to buying love and affection from him. The only winners here are the ex and the child. They don't have to deal with his bs while still getting the benefits, while you are the donkey funding his lifestyle, dates, and trips. Come on, OP, where is your sense of fairness and basic self respect? Even if you like the dynamic of being in charge financially, you can find an awful lot of men out there who would kiss the ground that you walk on and give you their undivided loyalty and attention. Why settle for the opposite? Please don't give the cop out answer of "love" because this is not what love looks like.

Please don't reach out again. Basically, don't poison the well. What I mean is that if you accept this and walk away, if you were to run into each other naturally, at some later point, you could start up again nicely. However, if you keep trying to pursue and ping her every few months to see if she is available now, you'll just come across as a creep and ensure she never gives you the time of day again. Don't be "that" guy. Also, if you have a good thing going with this new girl, focus on that because that's real and worth investing into.

Expects you to read like how? Does he call you up and quiz you about it later? When people send me texts or links, if it interests me, I'll read it. If it doesn't I won't. If I don't have time at the moment, I'll read it eventually if I remember. If they ask about it, I'll be honest on whether I read it or not. I've never had a friend get upset about it. Majority of the time, people are sharing because they think it might interest you and not because they expect anything from you. My point is that I'm not sure whether he expects you to read everything or whether you are creating that expectation on yourself by yourself.

The way it comes across to me is that you've been spending a lot on her in terms of dates/restaurants/symphony tickets and she is starting to feel uncomfortable or is worried that the gift may be something expensive that would leave her feeling like you are trying to buy her or simply unable to reciprocate on your level. On that note, a candle is something small and a nice gesture that isn't over the top. So if you like, go ahead and give it to her, just don't make a big deal about it. Also, maybe give her some room to step up and reciprocate in terms of planning some dates on her budget while you step back a bit.

^This was exactly my first thought as well. That said, if your marriage is still on the rocks and your sex life is circling the drain, I wouldn't stick my head in the sand and start addressing what's going on in your marriage, including this. He knew you'd see the pic, so either he doesn't place any value on it at all as per above, or he wants you to know he has a roving eye. What caused you to separate earlier?

Regarding the baggage from the past, please understand that an exclusivity conversation doesn't make a person run. They run because they were already on their way out the door, you just didn't realize that. In that respect, the conversation actually accomplished what it intended - make your position and their position clear and stopped you from investing and wasting your time on someone who wasn't interested. On that note, I think you do need to simply speak up. Things like what her and your dating goals at large are should have already come up and if it hasn't, it's time. Talking about communication style and expectations can clear up so much for the both of you. Could be she just doesn't need that much, could be that she is afraid to step up and scare you off, while you are wondering if she isn't interested. Could be that she has been taught to always let the man chase and never step up too early. Could be that she is a bit slow to warm into that. Could be a million other things. Just talk about it and clear the air. Don't jump at her with what you need, but rather ask her about how she sees and feels about these things and listen. There is literally nothing more refreshing than a man who can open a conversation about these things and check in that you are both on the same page instead of stewing quietly and growing resentful.

Sounds like you are putting way too much pressure and expectations on this friendship. No, it's not harder to make friends if you have interests and hobbies. Easy enough to meet like minded people that way. Adult friendships do tend to be different in that people are not as engaged with each other as you seem to want to be with him. It's like he is your everything and you are pouring so much into this that you've grown resentful from all that effort. I'd say rather than going passive aggressive or simply blowing it up completely, step back to a more sensible space. Dude texted you that he is working on his plumbing....OK... "thumbs up" emoji is about all the response required from you. What heartfelt response would you send him otherwise? Advice on how to or offer to come help? That's a bit much on your end. Consider also that he is communicating and letting you know that he is busy this weekend and won't be doing anything with you. Maybe instead of placing all these expectations and jumping over board, relax and enjoy your friendship for how it started - a buddy to go to an occasional concert or open mic night to and that's all.

The absolute vast majority of people who cheat will never admit to it even when confronted with concrete evidence. That said, given your uncertain work situation and the fact that this already started out as "not forever", I kind of suspect that she has always been a lot less committed to you than you realize. It's really hard to date and expect commitment when you cannot commit due to work/life circumstances and things that are temporary, tend to end sooner rather than later. Not even sure if she is really cheating in her mind or more just exploring other options given the temporary nature of your situation. Either way she is being rather selfish in that she is doing what works for her without much regard for you and your needs. Like I said, when she spoke up about needing more, you stepped up. However, she is doing the complete opposite and is actively stonewalling you on meeting. Time to call it a day.

Unfortunately, I think this is one of those where you need to read the writing on the wall, no matter how unpleasant that is. For whatever reason, she has lost interest in you, is refusing to meet you, is merely stringing you along, and is, in some ways, acting shady in that it seems like she is seeing someone else but trying to hide that from you. The latter is also known as monkey branching where one relationship is put on the back burner while a new one is being developed. The old one will either end or carry on depending on the outcome of the new one. No, she won't tell you the truth, so don't bother to keep asking. Again, this is one of those where you do need to read between the lines and draw your own conclusions. I think on some level you are already aware, just aren't accepting it...yet.... In your shoes, I'd back off so far that she'd never see me or hear from me again. Never chase someone who isn't willing to give you the time of day. You deserve better. Also, please don't blame yourself because you didn't do anything wrong. When you were busy and she asked for more - you were quick to give what was asked. Most people would appreciate that.

Your behavior is highly impulsive and kind of swinging from one extreme to another. Not saying this to be mean, more of just something you need to be more aware of and seek to get a grip on. Like maybe take a deep breath and think things through before you act. Maybe before you pick up the phone to set up a date, take a moment and just sit with yourself and choose a day further out than right now so to speak. Train yourself a little bit to chill out and think rather than act/react and then regret.

I just think that regardless of what's going on at her workplace, you should not be jumping all in with anyone when it comes to dating. The entire point of dating is to take your time to get to know the person and decide if they are right or wrong for you. Early on, it's all exciting and everything seems great, but you do need to give yourself time to get past those first sparks and look deeper, get to know the person more in terms of character, personality, etc. Every date is really a question mark of do I like what I'm seeing so far and is it enough to see this person again or not? Take more of one date at a time approach rather than looking to fire up the afterburners and taking off at a million miles an hour because you are into this stranger. The very thing to keep in mind is that even after a few months, you are still dealing with someone you barely know, barely scratched the surface of knowing. In this particular situation, you don't have enough information to judge her. Could be she supports abusive training, could be she is turning a blind eye, OR could be she is yet another coach who walked into a toxic place and is looking for a way out as we speak. Also, you don't know each other enough for her to even consider discussing these kinds of issues with you.

Going to second this question. Whether it's this toxic hole or another place, you should not be working yourself to death like you are doing. A salaried position is not an open ticket for the company to be working you 24/7 as if you are a slave. In fact, salaried employees are also entitled to overtime or premium pay. Few people know this. That said, I still think that you need to rethink what you are doing and either learn how to assert boundaries better or demand more pay for the time you are being forced to put in. There is a big difference between needing to put in extra hours to finish a project once in awhile or needing extra hours because you personally don't work as quickly or are learning something new VS a company loading you with the work of three people and actually demanding that you work extra hours and extra days on top of what would be your regular hours and work load. I still very much think that you need to learn how to say no.

Put it simply - she is just not that into you and is actively shopping around for a bigger better deal. Also, she wasn't out with a friend, she was out on a date and yes, either she likes the guy or something more happened or both, so she is letting you know that while you had talked before about being exclusive, that deal is off. So the question for you isn't about what she wants, but rather do you want to waste your time and energy on someone who is only keeping you around as a place holder until she finds someone better. Also, if you are having sex, be sure to be safe and use proper protection at all times. Again, whatever you've talked about before, that deal is off.

It's actually a really good time to actively pursue a new job and start applying precisely because the pool of job applicants dries up a bit during this time and you are more likely to be seen and hired. Also, yes the place is awful and toxic, but realize that the reason they are dumping so much on your shoulders is because you are the only competent person who won't say no. On that note, you do need to learn how to say no politely but firmly. For example, when someone tries to pile on another project, be direct that you have x, y, z projects and cannot get to new project until those are completed by b time. If that time line works, you will work on it at that point. If the new project needs to be completed faster they can either assign it to someone else or move one of your current projects to someone else. Put ALL of that in writing and if the manager responds verbally, confirm via e-mail what was discussed. If they just tell you to shut up and get it all done, ignore and repeat what you said..... as per my previous e-mail... As for co-workers playing willful incompetence - stop helping them period. Not your problem even if they call you 100 times. If you are away on training or whatever, send an auto message - away on training will not be able to get back to you until x date. End of. Stop treating your job like it's your own company. It's not. You all have a day off and manager contacts you and asks you to log in - either don't answer your phone and respond way later after it's too late and they had to deal with it themselves OR be firm that you are busy on your day off and not available, sorry so sorry call on others. If there is one thing you can take away from a toxic place like this is how to set firm boundaries, especially since you no longer care if they let you go over that. A useful skill for life.

Wow....you are unbelievably entitled and have some serious audacity - did you find that on sale too? I can't believe she is even willing to entertain the idea that she should pay for your carelessness and yes, you could have killed her pet with that. In her shoes, I'd forget I know you because you are quite the "censored"..... You are literally asking your friend to pay for YOUR negligence.

OP, you keep saying that he is brutally honest.....but.... he did pull a complete 180 in terms of how he presented himself initially when you started dating and how he really is when you were hooked. That's intentional manipulation staring you in the face and yet you are in denial about it. That's more than one lie, that's a whole lot of lies that he pulled on you. Even worse, he coldly watched you struggle to the point of a complete breakdown while he hid financial assets from you, his wife, and again you are conveniently ignoring not only the colossal lie, but the fact that he was downright sadistic about it. What you call brutal honesty is in reality his abusive behaviors and commentary and there is nothing honest about that either. Abuse is always intentional and manipulative, intended to break you down and keep you down. You continue to defend him and make excuses for the fact that he abused you psychologically, emotionally, and financially to an extreme and that is actually dangerous. No it's not that he is inexperienced or because of his culture or because of his work. There comes a point where you need to accept and deal with who he really is, stop trying to paint him as normal because he is not, and address your own issues as to why you put up with such abuse and continue not only to try and normalize it, but also continue to seek his approval. Even now that you've finally gotten away, you are consumed with pleasing him, arranging calls for him at his convenience, teaching your son Japanese, etc. You are still living and revolving your life around trying to please this abuser and get his approval even though you are half a world away. This has to stop. What you should be focused on is getting back on your feet, getting away from him completely, and getting the help and counseling you need to get your head screwed on straight. I hope that you do find a therapist/psychiatrist who is expert at dealing with victims of narcissistic abuse in particular because a regular therapist will not have the experience to untangle the damage you are carrying and still on a large scale refuse to face up to yourself. You need a lot of help and support. Unfortunately, for as long as you continue to live in denial, you will continue to be stuck and in danger of him flipping on you and causing you a great deal more damage....not just you, but also your son. Sorry to say but abusers do not make good parents. Talk to anyone with a narcissistic parent and how much damage they are carrying from that "relationship". Search for videos on youtube and get educated. Maybe if you hear about that experience from various strangers, something will click in your brain and help you wake up and snap out of the awe you are still carrying for his facade of a grand man that everyone loves..... Everyone who has never seen what he is really like when the mask comes off and he tells his wife in labor that he is tired, she should stop crying and he is going home to take a nap.... OP, do you even grasp how appalling this is or do you just paint over that as "inexperienced"? Basic humanity doesn't require experience - it's something you are either born with or not. I sincerely hope that as you get some more time away from him and some therapy, you'll finally learn how to start taking care of you rather than staying fixated on an abuser hoping that some day he will finally approve of you and value you. For what it's worth....he did value you in that you paid half the bills while he enjoyed the extra money for himself. Beware of how he might flip when child support kicks in and he suddenly feels harmed by having less. He used you and again, you are still in denial and oblivious. He loaned you money for a new computer....you, his wife.... Do you even grasp how appalling and absurd that is? You keep calling him a husband and yet....there was never any real marriage or partnership except on paper.....smh

I'm so sorry and my deepest condolences to you and your family.

I'm so so sorry and big hugs. Hang in there.

Sounds like someone who knows you well in real life and knows/traced your e-mail address to youtube, which isn't hard to do, btw, and is now harassing you. It would be very unlikely that some random hacker would dig up your 5 months old child's name when it's not posted on social media. Look close to home here for what's going on and who might be doing this.