Erich_132

I hear you. I hadn't considered it before, but maybe going with the flow and seeing how things work out really isn't appropriate for me. Obviously I need someone that is more invested, not going to get that from this woman, so why think the next will be anything different if I don't establish what I want and need.

To me it seems I'd like something committed and long term. Otherwise I'd not be looking for a strong emotional connection. But with work moving me around, it's not realistic at this time I think. Never know, stars could align and something just works out, I won't completely remove options from the table.

Eh, its ok. I don't know as she had any specific type of relationship in mind, but the signs were there and I missed or ignored them, that's on me.

I meant emotional really. Having an enjoyable time. As I stated early on, I am not and was not interested in a quick hookup. Neither was she, but as has been alluded to, I definitely see where I let myself get more involved than she did. I can actually see why she'd pull back when faced with me, who has obviously gotten more into the relationship than she intended. I doubt she knew exactly what she wanted, but situation and reality dictates that she probably had little expectation or interest in it going anywhere beyond being friends with benefits. And that was my mistake to not pay attention to that.

I appreciate that. Are we certain no one would admit they are cheating though? We are getting into people's brains here, and no one is the same, but sure seems to me like some people would admit it when called out. I've had no experience with that, and I suppose with someone like this, who knows what's in her head?

Where did you get that my tongue in cheek comment was about sex?

Whoa there. At no point did I say what I did was understandable and forgivable. Although I think many things can be understandable and forgivable, for anyone.

Yeah, I suppose that could be a thing. At this stage though, it wouldn't matter how close I was, she isn't making time for me when she knows I have it.

The hypocrisy is strong with this, no? I'll own that. Its at least helped me realize maybe how she felt before when it happened to her, at my hands. Whatever it was that she was feeling then.

I get what you mean. But I wasn't looking at this in terms of a way out. I don't work that way. If I want out, I'll torpedo it quickly. Lol

Andrina, I think perhaps my format threw you off. I don't think it changes things, but I feel maybe it makes me look like I've done wrong where I don't feel I have. At this point we've been with/seeing each other for 7 months. The" work dinner" was this week. So that JUST happened. But don't get me wrong, there have been previous times (also recent) where I was clearly not the priority, it's just been building it seems. Previously shorter periods of time, which I can understand from her perspective, if she is being honest about wanting longer periods together and the shorter ones not being what she wants. Don't ask me how those red letters got there. I didn't consider it rude when she was texting me when she knew I was having Thanksgiving with my family, or when she texted me when I was at a friend's anniversary dinner. The whole 7 months, we knew if the other doesn't respond,they are doing something but eventually will when they could, but not hours later (except when I messed up). Work,childcare, shower, driving, dinner out, etc. Normally with a word about what we've been doing. That dinner was far outside of the normal in every regard. She's entitled to do what she likes, I'm just pointing out something that is glaringly unusual. Would it hurt more if she was actually cheating?Probably. But does it make a difference? Not really. I don't think there are any mental gymnastics being done when increasing periods of time of no contact start happening, and inconsistencies in behavior begin to appear. Like I said originally. I have zero reason to not trust her. But I let my brain go to the worst case scenario, and in that view, the pieces fit. I'm not saying that IS what is happening, simply that looking at things in the worst possible way makes it seem possible. I just have to continually remind myself that she's been honest with me as far as I know, and that it's not worth worrying about. I did not ask her about seeing someone else in conjunction with that dinner. That was days before. She doesn't offer much information up, and obviously something was wrong since communication was so...limited, and I just wanted to make sure she wasn't trying to protect my feelings or something along those lines. Just put it out there. I asked if there was someone else, and she said no. Since she said no, that's why I asked her if she wanted me to back off, to which she also answered no. There was no indication given that I had pissed her off by asking. Maybe that's just a given, I can see how it would be. I think it's reasonable to be vague if she doesn't want to see me or have me show up, to not tell me where she is. Not like I asked for the address or anything, it was just conversation. People, me included, can simply ask questions because they are curious and are making conversation. I ask things like that. What you had for dinner, how your meeting went, etc. Partially because I don't get much in terms of response. Kind of a boring conversation if there is no back and forth, but that's probably an indicator eh? I am not going to cross any oceans here.

Batya33: I hear you. Yes I got attached to someone that probably did make it clear she wouldn't get attached. Full disclosure: she had said prior that she didn't see herself getting married again. She valued her own space too much. I didn't see reciprocation when I talked about caring for her and what not, that's a sign. I saw it, but when my needs are being met, it's not a problem lol. I have a child as well, which is one reason I'm hesitant to say that she isn't prioritizing me when she should be, and I'm certainly not dismissive of her responsibilities at work and for her child. But if you can choose a dinner with a friend over me OR your child, when you know I am free, obviously you feel you have free time, and that your parental responsibilities at that time are being taken care of. I don't feel it can be a two way street, except if I'm less important than her other friends. I want to be clear, I've NEVER tried to force her into a meeting. No guilt trip, no suggestions of how she could make it work, etc. Only that I'm free these days and I'd do x, y, or z to see her then, and I'm not doing that anymore either. I know if she wanted to, time would be made. Lost: yes, I feel deeply for her and wish it would work out. But I realize I can't control others so it's her choice now. I have no intent to buy her anything. Not to be nasty, just don't think she'd appreciate anything anyway. Not from me at this point. If you don't value me, then how is a gift from me meaningful? We had planned to be in the same area this weekend (again, her en route to do some shopping, no time) and we were going to briefly see each other, and my plan was to slip a note into her coat pocket that she would see later. We had a saying for each other, I was just going to write that on the note. Sherry: You make fair statements. She has stated that she doesn't know how she feels about everything in general now, and that includes me. It's hard to differentiate crushing stress from disinterest as being her motivation to cool off. Except the whole choosing to meet friends over me. I appreciate the comments everyone, it does help to think about it, type it out, and get opinions from those who aren't invested. 🙂

I'll date locally, but she happened to be one that really caught my eye (figuratively and literally), and in my experience, an hour and a half isn't a long distance. We often split it in any case, so it worked well enough, when that 45 minutes wasn't so precious to her. I don't quite get the unavailable comment, although we both probably knew that any change to either of our schedules would complicate things greatly. I feel I made myself feel unavailable to her first, and now the shoe is on the other foot, although not in retaliation. As to anxiety and depression, limichelle seems to maybe work like I do. I don't feel depressed or anxious until things start to not feel right. In this case it was about 7 months before that happened, and was obviously attributable to the circumstances. I'll ride this wave of negativity down, then I'll be ok and back to feeling "normal". It's not like I was anxious or depressed every day or even infrequently when things were seemingly ok, even with separation for weeks. As the hints started to pile up that we emotionally feel different about each other, that's when the negativity started to set in. Definitely been down this road before with the emotions, it's in me.

Moved for work before. That's part of the issue. We both had time before this happened. She was a single parent but had the ex participating...now he's not. So there is definitely less time available. I don't think I sought out something non viable, certainly not consciously. I didn't know much of her situation before meeting. I knew about her of course, but digging into family before knowing how we got on seems like poor form.

And I quote "I know you’re trying. Maybe stop trying so hard. I don’t want rushed high pressure 15 minute craziness" I should probably just rip the band-aid off, but I'm thinking I'll just turn my expectations off and let it fade.