Erich_132

I hear you. I hadn't considered it before, but maybe going with the flow and seeing how things work out really isn't appropriate for me. Obviously I need someone that is more invested, not going to get that from this woman, so why think the next will be anything different if I don't establish what I want and need.

To me it seems I'd like something committed and long term. Otherwise I'd not be looking for a strong emotional connection. But with work moving me around, it's not realistic at this time I think. Never know, stars could align and something just works out, I won't completely remove options from the table.

Eh, its ok. I don't know as she had any specific type of relationship in mind, but the signs were there and I missed or ignored them, that's on me.

I meant emotional really. Having an enjoyable time. As I stated early on, I am not and was not interested in a quick hookup. Neither was she, but as has been alluded to, I definitely see where I let myself get more involved than she did. I can actually see why she'd pull back when faced with me, who has obviously gotten more into the relationship than she intended. I doubt she knew exactly what she wanted, but situation and reality dictates that she probably had little expectation or interest in it going anywhere beyond being friends with benefits. And that was my mistake to not pay attention to that.

I appreciate that. Are we certain no one would admit they are cheating though? We are getting into people's brains here, and no one is the same, but sure seems to me like some people would admit it when called out. I've had no experience with that, and I suppose with someone like this, who knows what's in her head?

Where did you get that my tongue in cheek comment was about sex?

Whoa there. At no point did I say what I did was understandable and forgivable. Although I think many things can be understandable and forgivable, for anyone.

Yeah, I suppose that could be a thing. At this stage though, it wouldn't matter how close I was, she isn't making time for me when she knows I have it.

The hypocrisy is strong with this, no? I'll own that. Its at least helped me realize maybe how she felt before when it happened to her, at my hands. Whatever it was that she was feeling then.

I get what you mean. But I wasn't looking at this in terms of a way out. I don't work that way. If I want out, I'll torpedo it quickly. Lol

Andrina, I think perhaps my format threw you off. I don't think it changes things, but I feel maybe it makes me look like I've done wrong where I don't feel I have. At this point we've been with/seeing each other for 7 months. The" work dinner" was this week. So that JUST happened. But don't get me wrong, there have been previous times (also recent) where I was clearly not the priority, it's just been building it seems. Previously shorter periods of time, which I can understand from her perspective, if she is being honest about wanting longer periods together and the shorter ones not being what she wants. Don't ask me how those red letters got there. I didn't consider it rude when she was texting me when she knew I was having Thanksgiving with my family, or when she texted me when I was at a friend's anniversary dinner. The whole 7 months, we knew if the other doesn't respond,they are doing something but eventually will when they could, but not hours later (except when I messed up). Work,childcare, shower, driving, dinner out, etc. Normally with a word about what we've been doing. That dinner was far outside of the normal in every regard. She's entitled to do what she likes, I'm just pointing out something that is glaringly unusual. Would it hurt more if she was actually cheating?Probably. But does it make a difference? Not really. I don't think there are any mental gymnastics being done when increasing periods of time of no contact start happening, and inconsistencies in behavior begin to appear. Like I said originally. I have zero reason to not trust her. But I let my brain go to the worst case scenario, and in that view, the pieces fit. I'm not saying that IS what is happening, simply that looking at things in the worst possible way makes it seem possible. I just have to continually remind myself that she's been honest with me as far as I know, and that it's not worth worrying about. I did not ask her about seeing someone else in conjunction with that dinner. That was days before. She doesn't offer much information up, and obviously something was wrong since communication was so...limited, and I just wanted to make sure she wasn't trying to protect my feelings or something along those lines. Just put it out there. I asked if there was someone else, and she said no. Since she said no, that's why I asked her if she wanted me to back off, to which she also answered no. There was no indication given that I had pissed her off by asking. Maybe that's just a given, I can see how it would be. I think it's reasonable to be vague if she doesn't want to see me or have me show up, to not tell me where she is. Not like I asked for the address or anything, it was just conversation. People, me included, can simply ask questions because they are curious and are making conversation. I ask things like that. What you had for dinner, how your meeting went, etc. Partially because I don't get much in terms of response. Kind of a boring conversation if there is no back and forth, but that's probably an indicator eh? I am not going to cross any oceans here.

Batya33: I hear you. Yes I got attached to someone that probably did make it clear she wouldn't get attached. Full disclosure: she had said prior that she didn't see herself getting married again. She valued her own space too much. I didn't see reciprocation when I talked about caring for her and what not, that's a sign. I saw it, but when my needs are being met, it's not a problem lol. I have a child as well, which is one reason I'm hesitant to say that she isn't prioritizing me when she should be, and I'm certainly not dismissive of her responsibilities at work and for her child. But if you can choose a dinner with a friend over me OR your child, when you know I am free, obviously you feel you have free time, and that your parental responsibilities at that time are being taken care of. I don't feel it can be a two way street, except if I'm less important than her other friends. I want to be clear, I've NEVER tried to force her into a meeting. No guilt trip, no suggestions of how she could make it work, etc. Only that I'm free these days and I'd do x, y, or z to see her then, and I'm not doing that anymore either. I know if she wanted to, time would be made. Lost: yes, I feel deeply for her and wish it would work out. But I realize I can't control others so it's her choice now. I have no intent to buy her anything. Not to be nasty, just don't think she'd appreciate anything anyway. Not from me at this point. If you don't value me, then how is a gift from me meaningful? We had planned to be in the same area this weekend (again, her en route to do some shopping, no time) and we were going to briefly see each other, and my plan was to slip a note into her coat pocket that she would see later. We had a saying for each other, I was just going to write that on the note. Sherry: You make fair statements. She has stated that she doesn't know how she feels about everything in general now, and that includes me. It's hard to differentiate crushing stress from disinterest as being her motivation to cool off. Except the whole choosing to meet friends over me. I appreciate the comments everyone, it does help to think about it, type it out, and get opinions from those who aren't invested. 🙂

I'll date locally, but she happened to be one that really caught my eye (figuratively and literally), and in my experience, an hour and a half isn't a long distance. We often split it in any case, so it worked well enough, when that 45 minutes wasn't so precious to her. I don't quite get the unavailable comment, although we both probably knew that any change to either of our schedules would complicate things greatly. I feel I made myself feel unavailable to her first, and now the shoe is on the other foot, although not in retaliation. As to anxiety and depression, limichelle seems to maybe work like I do. I don't feel depressed or anxious until things start to not feel right. In this case it was about 7 months before that happened, and was obviously attributable to the circumstances. I'll ride this wave of negativity down, then I'll be ok and back to feeling "normal". It's not like I was anxious or depressed every day or even infrequently when things were seemingly ok, even with separation for weeks. As the hints started to pile up that we emotionally feel different about each other, that's when the negativity started to set in. Definitely been down this road before with the emotions, it's in me.

Moved for work before. That's part of the issue. We both had time before this happened. She was a single parent but had the ex participating...now he's not. So there is definitely less time available. I don't think I sought out something non viable, certainly not consciously. I didn't know much of her situation before meeting. I knew about her of course, but digging into family before knowing how we got on seems like poor form.

And I quote "I know you’re trying. Maybe stop trying so hard. I don’t want rushed high pressure 15 minute craziness" I should probably just rip the band-aid off, but I'm thinking I'll just turn my expectations off and let it fade.

I appreciate the response. Sometimes we need to be smacked in the face with reality. It's the obvious answer, but anxiousness and stress cloud logic. Id love to hear any other takes though. Im not fishing for what I'd rather hear lol, I can still be rational.

Hi! I'm sure this will be long, I apologize. Hopefully some of you enjoy reading. 🙂 We met online in April of this year. I'm 47, she is 42. I moved to a new place for work, and who knows how long I'll be working here on this project. A year, two, three, etc. It's up in the air. She has a young child, (elementary school age) and we live about an hour and a half apart. She is highly educated (bilingual, successful in business, master's degree, etc) We chatted online for quite awhile before meeting. When we finally met we had a nice day together and ended with a kiss. We both knew this isn't likely to become a "forever" thing (she is committed to her job and wants/needs her child's dad's involvement), but I don't date people I don't genuinely enjoy being with, so it's not just a fling for me. Anyway, things progressed naturally and very organically. It just felt right. We were both very comfortable with each other, and she shared a lot about her life with me. Past and present. This is a bit unusual for, according to her, because she isn't generally comfortable discussing her personal life with others. But she did with me. She was also very open physically with her likes, wants, needs and desires, again something she is normally uncomfortable talking about, but with me she wasn't. The spring and summer were great. We are both quite busy, and the drive time really did limit our time together. But we would spend the time we had exploring places, having dinner or lunch, and of course being intimate with each other. She kind of brought me back to life. I wasn't sure I could be physically and emotionally strongly attracted to someone anymore, but she showed me I could be. The time together was always amazing. She even traveled to meet me on a work trip. Things got tougher in fall. Work got busier (for me for sure), I traveled back home for a few weeks, she had to travel for family, and she also started an online college course. Things started to get ugly with her and her ex, meaning there was less shared work raising the child. So more on her plate. I screwed up at this time. I got so busy my normally frequent texts dropped off. She'd message and it could be five hours before I responded. It wasn't avoidance, but I certainly realize now that I didn't understand how much that communication was needed by her, and I wasn't prioritizing her. She made a comment about me feeling distant, and that things felt like they had changed. This really concerned and bothered me. Not angry she said it, except at myself. After that, I changed my behavior. I increased communication. I made every effort to be available physically and electronically. Her communication from then on however is usually distant, brief, and emotionless. At this point, I haven't seen her in over a month. Twice a month would have been the minimum before. She has told me her work is crazy busy now. Meeting after meeting, even after work hours (definitely a change) And of course difficulties basically being a single parent now. COVID is a real downer for her, she likes to get out, and travel, and with this new variant she has been very negative about it all. Worry about having to homeschool again, missing work socialization, etc. I probably have zero reason to distrust her. Apparently I have some anxiety and self doubt, because I'm very, very stressed about what I'm seeing. Not sleeping, spending way too much time analyzing every thing she tells me, or says she is doing, etc. Definitely unhealthy. I'll give one example of what put me over the top last, and why I woke up at 2am the next day and couldn't sleep more. She has zero time to meet me she says. Again, work (which we have both taken a few hours from to see each other before, and had talked about doing again, and I even have more time now), and the child care issues. Anyway, when I suggested meeting in a week (my schedule up until then was already shot), she told me she had a "work dinner thing" that evening. She has told me about them before (fairly common for her work for the group to go out for dinner), and we'd even talked about getting together after one in the future. The week of the dinner, she tells me that it's with one co-worker (female). Then later (the night of) she tells me that it's not about work, it's dinner with a former work friend. In idle conversation she tells me she thinks it's at 800pm, and that she thinks it's a Chinese restaurant they are going to. That all strikes me as odd, having had it planned for over a week, and minor bits of the story changing...even that is unusual as she is always precise. And it's unlike her to be off of a schedule at any time, a comment she made to me at one point was about not wanting our time to feel scripted as that's her life every day. Back to this story. She tells me she has to get a COVID test for dinner. We chat back and forth a bit, then at 730 she says she is heading out. An hour later I send her a smiley face text, which she doesn't open (unusual until recently). I have to get to bed, so I send a text saying goodnight. At midnight (work night, up at 6am for both of us) I get a message "goodnight". Super unusual to be out that late on a work night. Next day she asks how I slept, I'm honest, slept bad. Why? Because I didn't hear from her and was worried. "But I texted you when I got home". I'll note that she is pretty much never on her phone when we are together, but in the past obviously had been messaging me when around friends, coworkers, her family, etc. Long periods of unread or unresponded to messages were unheard of before. Now she will go out for a walk and be gone for an hour with no contact. Often the length of time we would have seen each other in the past. I've asked her point blank if there is someone else. She says there isn't, and that she wouldn't do that. She says she still wants to see me. But feels pressured into meeting and that's not enjoyable, which I get. She's told me before Im trying too hard to make a meeting happen. So I've transitioned to just letting her know when I'm free and asking if she is, giving her as much notice as I can. I have no choice but to ask, she hasn't suggested we get together for over a month. It's always me...so I'm kind of stuck I feel, wanting to meet, but knowing asking kind of irritates her, even when I know I have time I can make myself free if I knew she was free. I want to see her, she wants to see me, but asking to meet is too much? I've given up on asking to see her just for a few minutes between her scheduled events, "not satisfying," to meet for a couple of minutes to see each other. Ive also asked point blank when she talks about how stressful things are, if I'm adding to that, and if I need to basically stop bothering her. Shes responded no twice to that. She has workout classes once or twice a week, so technically she could be free then (but I'd not, and have never, asked her to choose me over whatever else she has going on). I've noticed multiple times now that what I consider easy ways to make time together, she doesnt take advantage of. We never talk about being together sexually, that was a fun outlet for both of us prior. She used to send me pictures (racy and non) regularly, two-three a week, maybe two the last month, and zero talk about being intimate, which is also a huge change. I asked, she says she feels unlike herself, the stress of life is weighing her down, our situation feels off, and that all makes her not feel sexual. I understand actually, even if I don't feel the same way. I don't bring it up now. We talked (phone) yesterday, and we both laughed and it felt good. But then into the no chat for 4+ hours, and everything is fine because I got a text after. I've tried (not to be a jerk, for my own sanity) to shut WhatsApp, try and forget the situation, and not open it for hours. Then the question is why I didn't message, it's "unusual" for me to not message for that much time. I mentioned that I'm working on getting extended for another year, she responded "I hope it works out for you". When I said she was a big part of me trying to stay, no acknowledgement that I even said it. She says she needs to get through the holidays. I fully appreciate her position regarding her schedule. Really don't know how to approach this. Just looking for hopefully friendly advice. I know my anxiety and obsessing over this is my own problem, and unhealthy, but it emotionally hurts a ton, and it's hard to cope with. I don't feel I have adequate tools to do so. Any pointers? She has time for other stuff, but not me? I understand needing balance, but I'm not a part of that at all it seems. I can hold on, I can be patient. Im not going to feel I've wasted time if it ultimately doesnt work out. I'm not interested in giving her an ultimatum, I have no indication she is doing this on purpose to make me feel bad, it's just the situation. But I have to figure out how to handle this and see where things go. I honestly don't see her schedule changing after the holidays, but I know mine will mean less freedom.😕 Anyway, if you made it this far, thanks. I know it's quite rambling, but it's how it goes in my head. Just a swirling mix of feeling good and feeling terrible depending on the days events.