DancingFool

OP, nobody can demand loyalty from you without providing loyalty and commitment in return. It is never a one way street. So to answer your question, no you didn't cheat. What is deeply concerning to me is that you seem to have a deeply internalized idea that you cannot make decisions for yourself. When he demanded what you knew was wrong, you did have a choice to tell him NO. NO is the most powerful word in the world and you can wield that power as needed, especially in situations like these. You always have the choice to tell a guy like that to get lost and never contact you again and mean it. Kick him out of your life. When people try to abuse you or manipulate you or simply demand something that you know is wrong or unfair, you always have the choice to refuse to comply and to walk away from that situation or that person. What's even worse is going by your other thread, you were tolerating physical abuse and violence and still continued to stick around him. You know everything he is doing is toxic, abusive, violent, manipulative and so on. What's going on with you that you have trouble walking away for good? I sincerely hope that you actually take a good time out from dating and find a good therapist and start unpacking what's been driving you to put up with and cling to an abusive psycho. People with healthy boundaries walk away and decide for themselves that fighting and silent treatment for days is not acceptable behavior in a relationship and therefore end the relationship. Somehow you don't seem to realize that you should be making that decision and instead kept looking at him to tell you what to do - you've got to fix that. Only person who tells you what to do should be you. You have to start making decisions for yourself that benefit and protect you and not look to anyone else for that.

So maybe switch it up a bit. More foreplay on him by you and less on you so you don't get so excited and orgasm so fast and so he comes a bit faster. There is such a thing as overdoing it on foreplay and by the time you get to actual sex, it's kind of done and over with. Also, be sure that you talk to him about it. Most guys think that lasting long is for you, when in reality it's not always the case. Be sure he knows that you prefer it faster rather than longer. Might be a relief for both of you in a way.

I say be as grumpy as you want to be and vent away. I know people mean to make you feel better when they try to point out the up sides, buuuut....sometimes it's OK to actually tell them, "listen, just need to vent and blow off some steam." I'm sorry that the house looked so promising but turned out to be less than.

^ Someone calling you and giving you attention is not being submissive, they are showing you and telling you quite loudly that they are really into you. This is where you dropped the ball by playing it cold. Someone will only invest their effort into you for so long and when you don't step up and reciprocate, they will eventually give up and walk away. Exactly what she did. Also, ignoring someone for 2 months is not over chasing, it's dropping the ball so hard for so long that it has mold growing on it. I'm surprised she was even willing to talk to you at all after you disappeared like that. Relationships are not power struggles and that's something you seriously need to get your head wrapped around if you ever want to have a healthy relationship. Also, IF you want someone to love you be sure you actually reciprocate and show the same. At the moment, you aren't playing it cool, you are playing it stone cold and as you can see, it doesn't work out so well. She might have enjoyed hooking up with you for the weekend, but since you've already shown her that you don't care about her, her attention was on someone else she is pursuing and rightfully so. Anyway, it doesn't seem like you were ever really into her until she moved away and dropped interest in you. So no big loss in either direction as this has toxic written all over it. Go find a fresh start with someone you actually like and be sure you show it consistently and clearly. No games.

Hell hath no fury like a cheater caught cheating.... Yes, of course he raged. Why did you bother to listen? The real question, OP, is why are you trying to cling to him and offer friendship when he exposed you to possible STD's and put your life and health at risk? Also, you weren't wrong to look. The "how dare you snoop" is a convenient way to deflect from the real issue that he was cheating. Don't fall for that. You broke up because he was looking and probably did step outside of the relationship. Even the argument of whether he actually found anyone or not is irrelevant. The very fact that he was looking behind your back is enough to dump him and remove him from your life with extreme prejudice.

Thinking that you can master a complex job in just 30 day is an unrealistic expectation on your end. Give yourself 3-6 months to start to feel more comfortable and even longer until you feel confident. Basically, when your expectations are unrealistic, you are setting yourself up to fail and then will fail because it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy as you focus more on your insecurities and anxieties than on what you actually need to master the job. It's toxic thinking and something you need to figure out how to step away from. As for mastering your job - reading is good, but also try to identify some team members who are good at teaching/showing things quickly and are wiling to do so and then learn to ask concrete questions to speed things up. Entry level employees get proactive training and hand holding. When you reach six figure levels, you have enough experience to figure it out and should be able to communicate well enough to get the info/help that you need without others having to check up on you and lead you and manage you. That said, nobody said that a job that pays that is going to be easy. It won't be and you should not expect smooth sailing. In fact, you should expect it to be challenging and constantly so.

If you keep hanging out with him, you know you will keep getting attached to him more and more. The problem is that he already told you straight up that he is not interested in you that way so for you to carry on is begging to get badly hurt and messed around. When someone tells you that they are not looking for a relationship, the full sentence is "not looking for a relationship with you." The reasons and excuses are just softening the blow and it doesn't matter what excuse they give you - not over an ex, work is killing them, they need to find themselves, etc. The excuse is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is they are not that into you, but they will use you for companionship and more until they find someone they are actually into. Beware. My point is that if you don't want to get hurt, then learn to walk away quickly from people who are telling you they are not that into you no matter how much you might be into them. Refocus and spend your energy on those who do want you. All this time you are lost thinking about this guy, you are stopping yourself from noticing someone else who is genuinely into you and would make a great partner for you.

It's not about you being too nice or her needing some mystical "alpha", but rather that she wasn't attracted to you in general from the get go. Also known as no chemistry. She did give it a shot to see if maybe something will change for her, but it didn't and she started to fade out with ye olde "busy sooo busy" excuse. Since you didn't get the hint and pressed her, she came up with some bs that probably in her mind is letting you down easy. If there is one thing to take away from this is that once a woman starts making vague excuses of being too busy to see you, read between the lines and let her be. She is already telling you that she is not interested and is trying to fade out. There is a difference between she is really busy this week because of x, but would love you see you next week on y day and vaguely busy for the foreseeable future. When you hear that vague busy busy, move on and leave it up to her to reach out if she wants to. Basically, write her off at that point.

My impression is that he came on hot and heavy and established a certain dynamic and once the OP was invested so to speak, he came out with the talk and the truth about himself. Yes, I do think that's manipulative behavior. No strings attached can be honest from day about what it is between consenting adults and starts with some form of "hey just you know before we go there, I'm not looking for anything serious, so if you are, we better not go there."

These types of requests are about as effective as asking a lion to give you a heads up when he wants to maul you. A decent person doesn't need these types of conversations and agreements because by nature they'll treat you fairly, honestly, with respect and consideration. However, someone who has zero intentions of acting like a decent person, will easily promise you whatever and then act according to what actually suits them. These types of talks is not an insurance policy against bad behavior. It's always on you to observe how someone is acting and treating you and when you don't like what's going you, it's on you to walk away from them. Don't ask them to end things, because it's not in their interest to protect you from harm. It's on you to say this is not working out for me and good bye.

Be kind to yourself. Some breakups take a day to get over, others months or even a year. There are no hard and fast rules. You've got a lot to process and a big shift in perspective from self blame to opening your eyes to a lot of issues and red flags. Still, it's natural to mourn what you thought you had, or rather the dream you were hoping will come true. You are not alone and everyone has gone through that pain at one point or another. Not feeling like doing things and life feeling kind of grey is normal. However, rather than succumbing to it, push through. Do make yourself go to the gym. Do make yourself something you love to eat. Every effort brings in a small reward and eventually you kind of realize that you are over the pain and actually enjoying life again. It kind of accumulates and sneaks up on you when you realize that wow, you are actually excited about going to gym rather than just schlepping to it by willpower and that moment feels amazing. Do allow yourself some better days and some not so good days. It's just part of the process.

... I mean.... when you treat your SO ^ like that what do you expect will happen? Instead of trying to work out how to give some time to your relationship, your reaction is to throw in her face how she doesn't clean the house enough? I honestly have no words. When you take her for granted and teach her how to live without you, don't be shocked that one day you find her gone. Rather than acting like an offended victim, maybe consider that you've been a sh$t partner for too long and have neglected your relationship for too long and this your hard wake up call on that. If you don't really care about her and would just rather pay child support, then let her go and be with someone who will be present as a partner. If you want to keep this relationship together, then actually sit down with her and acknowledge where you went wrong and try to fix things between you and never take your relationships for granted again. The I'm so busy with work excuse only stretches so far.

Whatever he may be, you are the one making excuses for his behavior and sticking around for more abuse. He is not some super powerful being who has you under some spell. You are fully in control on whether you carry on with him or not and are an active participant. If you genuinely wanted him gone, he'd be gone. Blocked, deleted, removed from your life with extreme prejudice. Instead, you are acting helpless and making excuses like he is addictive. OK, let's say this drama is addictive to you, so how do you quit? Cold turkey and forever - blocked, deleted, no contact ever again and if he shows up on your doorstep, you call the cops and don't talk to him. In other words, YOU have to want to leave this toxic cycle for real and once you decide that you do, you'll be rid of him. He can only bs you back into being with him because you are allowing it and you need to be honest with yourself about that. There is something that is appealing to you about this and that means you have some work to do on yourself in terms of fixing how you see relationships and what you should and shouldn't tolerate.

Yes over the top compliments are a red flag and so are possessive comments cloaked as a compliment. That said, sometimes it is about context, tone, and all those little things we observe in real life that are impossible to judge when commenting online. General rule of thumb is when in doubt, listen to your gut. If it doesn't feel right, don't continue with him even if you can't quite put in words why you don't feel right. If you are unsure, then next time he is getting heavy with the compliments, tell him honestly that he is laying it on too thick and it's making you uncomfortable. Don't get into the why it does, only that it does. Then sit back and see how he reacts to that. If he insists on carrying on, tries to pry why and change your mind, or tries to blame you with something like "oh you are just not used to that, or you are too shy, or you'll just have to get used to that" or anything along those lines, RUN. If he actually respects what you said without debating it and cuts back on that, carry on and continue to keep your eyes open for other behaviors that might turn problematic. Ultimately, it's up to you to rein yourself in emotionally. Meaning that any time you are dating someone, you need to be prepared to walk away if he starts to treat you badly or you are starting to see serious red flags and incompatibilities come up. Your commitment to the relationship needs to be conditional on how he is treating you today.

^ He told you quite directly who he really is and what you should expect. Granted he did so after he had you hooked and ready to accept and carry on. Quite manipulative and I doubt you are the first he has done this with. Basically, you got caught up in the old bait and switch - the fun cool guy is really not so fun cool guy. When he told you the above, it was your warning and your chance to walk away. He was basically telling you who he is and what his actual terms are. Since you didn't walk away, he then started to show you his true face in actions - blowing hot/cold, repeatedly telling you that he is not that into you and not looking for anything, blowing you off, etc. OP, when a guy tells you what you don't want to hear and then starts acting like a jerk, it's your clue to walk away rather than run after him trying to show how supportive you are. You aren't anything but a fool in his eyes who is agreeing to be used and manipulated as he sees fit. Wish him well and from here on out, keep it professional and strictly so.

I think you already know the answer - divorce. She can't fix her lack of a sex drive and you should not live a celibate life. Marriage is more than just being friends and having fun doing stuff together. Friendship is one part of the marriage, but the other critical part is intimacy. On a side note, being cold when it comes to affection is more of a personality trait rather than menopause. Also, most women in your age bracket tend to have an increased sex drive rather than decreased. In other words, rather than trying to blame menopause consider that you married the wrong person to begin with. It seems like you were in a rush to plug the void your previous wife left behind and didn't take your time at all to get to know who you were marrying. If your wife passed away in 2004 and you married again in 2005, unless you were cheating on your ill wife, then you married a practical stranger and you are now living with the consequences of that. Time to put an end to that and also, don't jump into another marriage like your life is on fire. Date, get to know someone for at least a couple of years before you even think about marriage. Be sure you actually know who the person is and what they are really like.

^This exactly. You have a life and stress too and you didn't behave like a jerk. I'm so glad that you are realizing this because just like you are capable of doing right by your partner regardless of other stresses in life, so are others. Maybe when in doubt ask yourself how you would act and react and look for a partner who is more like you in that respect. You wouldn't become abusive and you should never tolerate that again from anyone.

You guys are very very young and the reality is that in your early 20's people go through a great deal of rapid changes as you figure out who you are as an adult. What she is telling you is that she is changing, outgrowing this relationship, and deep down increasingly craving to spread her wings and experience life outside of this relationship. It doesn't mean that she suddenly stopped loving you, but.....she is no longer committed to it in the long run. While that hurts, the best thing you can do is set her free. The less messy the break up now, the better the possibility of getting back together at some point in the future if your paths cross and you both decide you want to. Keep in mind that you might not want to by then because you have also grown, changed, moved on, etc. The person you meet when you are still teens is almost never the person you'll spend your life with. Don't focus on extraordinarily rare exceptions, assume that your life will follow the rule and embrace that. You are also super young and have some exploring to do of your own. So rather than let this make you ill while she drags her feet detaching slowly - make the decision and let her go now. Rip off that bandaid.

I think this relationship is a bundle of harsh lessons you needed to learn so you can figure out how to choose a loving and caring partner in the future. Liars exist and since you are a kind and giving person, you'll attract a lot of liars and users and manipulators. It's on you to develop healthy boundaries and learn to recognize bs and run from that instead of running toward it. For example, when I hear future talk, my bs meter goes off the charts. It may be cute sometimes, but overall, I never buy it and instead watch the guy's actions and character. Basically, I observe the present. How a guy is treating you right now is what matters. Early on, everyone puts their best foot forward, so looking back on how it was when you met is pointless. Future talk is bs. Right now, today if the guy is not treating you well, is being abusive, or selfish, or a user, or all of the above - you are looking at his true face and it will never change. If you don't like what you are seeing, dump him immediately and never look back. I have a personal rule that once you break up, it's over as in permanent. It will save you a lot of grief and toxic on/off games. It doesn't matter how much he begs you or tells you it was a mistake - he showed you his temper and again, pay attention and walk away. Someone who comes on hot and heavy chasing is another red flag. It's not an indication of love, it's games. Healthy people look for and focus on reciprocation where neither person is the mule pulling the whole cart by themselves. He does things for you, you for him - there is overall consistency. Also, as someone else pointed out - in a good relationship you will never beg, plead, cajole, bargain and so on for your partner to meet at least some of your needs. You will meet each other's needs because you both give and compromise and accommodate each other naturally. Note - BOTH consistently so. Basically, if a guy isn't treating you well every day, don't stick around and waste your time and don't make excuses for why he isn't doing it. Decent people are decent all the time and that's the biggest lesson I hope you take away from this.

OP, you need to start wrapping your head around the fact that he broke up with you because he was never that into you in the first place. If he was in love with you, he'd have figured out his time. The above quote is particularly disturbing because you are full of excuses for him, when you are the one who should have dumped him the very first time he acted like that. When you are choosing a partner, do learn to pay attention to how they act when they are stressed because that's their true colors coming out and this guy was abusive. That stuff doesn't get better, it only gets worse and life stress never goes away. It sounds to me like you got caught up hard in future talk and dreams of marriage and this idea that if only you suffer and stick it out, that magically your relationship will become good. No, nope, nope. Once he gets his PhD, then it will be work search stress. Then it will be job stress, project stress....and you'll always be pushed to the side and used as a punching bag. There is no better and there is no if only this passes or that passes because there is always another stress around the corner. Your relationship wasn't good, at times he was abusive with you, and he was never going to meet your needs. You need to open your eyes to this and let this go and also learn, so you don't cling on to another dbag in the future. Please take talk of marriage with a grain of salt and actually pay attention to how your relationship is today because what you see and how you are being treated today is ALL you will ever get. If it's not good right now, it's not going to be good later.

Ever heard of buyer's remorse? Wanted to buy that house but once bought, some people can suddenly become overwhelmed with all kinds of doubts if it was the right decision....and then they get over it. Sometimes dumpers can experience the same thing - it's not that he doesn't know what he wants, it's now that he's done what he wants, he has some doubts. Thing is that the worst thing you can possibly do to yourself is get caught up in being his emotional tampon and crutch about that. It won't make him miss you, respect you, or want you back. He will appreciate you helping him get over you though. Put it in perspective - he didn't reach out to you. He only vomited his doubts all over you after you contacted him. Stop it and don't ever do that again. As others said, make it clear to him that he can contact you only if he is 100% certain he wants the relationship with you back and then you will consider if you still do too or not. Anything less and you both need to be no contact and healing.

^This is exactly the first thought that came to my mind. Yes absolutely he is trying hard to gain complete control over you. Having a baby will trap you so you can kiss school goodbye as you will need to raise the child. You will become financially dependent on this creep and also removed away from your family and support system. I can pretty much guarantee you that he will quickly find reasons to move and keep moving around so you cannot complete your education, cannot establish any friendships or support for yourself and that your life revolves around him and what he wants on his terms as he will control every aspect of your life. I mean he is telling you bluntly and directly that he wants you to live on his terms and jump when he tells you to jump and ask how high. He doesn't want a wife or a gf, he actually wants a slave, OP. Yes, it's that bad. Please stop trying to find excuses for his psycho behavior, listen to your therapist, and dump this creep. This is how abusive relationships begin - excusing psycho behavior and going along until you go so far you can't get out anymore. Also, absolutely stop sleeping with him and be sure he cannot access your BC and mess with it. I wouldn't put it that past him if he realizes that he is losing his grip on you and decides to trap you a little faster with a "whoopsie".

So his daughter is an adult and wants to have a big family Christmas party with everyone at her place. This isn't about spending time with the ex, this is about his daughter who considers you part of the family inviting you as such. Yes, I think you are being selfish if you decline to attend because you are snubbing his daughter quite directly and creating drama about nothing. When you are in a relationship, there will be times where you have to suck it up and deal with their family. It's part of the package. This is one of those times where you need to suck it up. Snubbing his daughter's party can potentially lead to long term issues for you.

When someone breaks your trust, especially by cheating, checking and verifying what they are doing is sensible. So no, you are not acting like a psychopath for checking up on what's going on with him. Your intuition was spot on. Where you went wrong is marrying this guy and if I were you, I'd be talking to a lawyer to see if you can get an annulment asap. Like today because time is ticking on that. Please do not use his daughter as an excuse to stick around. She has her parents and her life and will continue to live her life whether you are a part of that or not. As for why cheaters do what they do? Because it's thrilling. It's not about what the side chic offers, it's about the act of sneaking around and fooling you and her both. You are both useful dupes and he feels powerful using and manipulating you both.

You are barely three months in. What do you find attractive about this kind of drama, snooping, setting traps and so on? If you can't trust the guy, then dump him and move on. Find a man you can trust and feel safe with. Why are you clinging to such toxicity? I don't even know if you like him or you just like the adrenaline rush you are getting out of these games.