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Showing results for tags 'trust issues'.
How do you move forward or even just find friends? My (32F) BF left a few days ago. We’d been together nearly 5 years. We had our ups and downs. But I thought we were in a good place. I also knew deep down he hated the state we lived in and deeply missed his family 6-8 hours away. I knew it was coming with how he was acting recently. He was growing distant and would break down crying after talking to his family. But I still feel blindsided. He’d left once before for the same reason. But he came back and I thought that meant he’d chosen a life together, that he’d made a CONSCIOUS choice to be together. And could live without seeing his family very often. The night before we cuddled and watched movies. Then he asked to talk the next morning. He packed and left in just a few hours. And now he’s gone. I’d let myself be optimistic for once that things would work out, that I’d found my person. And now I just feel shattered and alone. I moved here for my career. He was the only person I knew here. All my friends are in other states. And I have no one for support or to talk to. At least he’s going home to his family. And I can’t bring myself to hate him. I understand why he did it. I knew family was very important to him. He tried. I hope he can find happiness. But it doesn’t make it hurt any less for me. Especially when I let him come back after the first time he did this. I know it’ll get easier with time. But what do you do when you feel like there’s nothing left? How do you find friends and a support group when you’re in such a miserable state that you can’t even eat or sleep?
Me (21F) and my boyfriend (22M) have been together for six years. Started pretty young and I think that ***ed us over on the long run but wouldn’t change a thing about it tbh. Our relationship has always been my rock; we both had pretty unusual and sometimes bad relationships with our families and struggled a bit with friendships (him wayyyy more than me since we started college but anyways). The guy is my best friend, my family, a great partner. I can count with my fingers the times we have argued and have fingers left on both hands. He’s made my life easier, better, he made feel loved like nobody else in my life had, especially not my family. Here comes the tricky part. On the last October 2021 (I can’t honestly explain this) but all of a sudden my memories came back to me and i remembered that se eral year ago, when i was 17/18 I developed a habit of sending nudes to strangers on weird apps made to “meet people”. Multiple times, with different people. Honest to everything sacred on this world, I had blocked those memories so hard that I couldn’t believe it had been me. I honestly had lived my life up until that point without remembering any of it, thinking i was a great girlfriend. As confusing as it was, i told him. It was the worst week of my life and to this day i feel like a piece of *** for ever doing that. But he forgave me. He even was nice about it. I went above and beyond to fix it. Started going to my psychologist, became an even better girlfriend, told him about some other things i thought could bother him and we talked it through. He never wanted to break up. We were even happier after this, ironically. I think our best times was after i told him i had been unfaithful. This year, we returned to college campus and due to change of careers and years trying to get in university, this was his first trimester physically attending university classes. He made friends of his own for perhaps, the first time in his late teens/young adult life and we were doing great. He tends to be an incredibly shy and quiet person, and truly struggles with socializing in any way. He has told me he envied me for getting into college so early and seeing me live my life normally and even popularly between my classmates and other random groups of people. But we were fine, he introduced me to many of his friends, go out drinking with them, hang out, etc. That, until last week he called me to tell me the night before he had gone to a party and cheated on me while being out of his mind drunk. Multiple times, with different people. But his wrongs were real, not virtual, like mine. He’s remorseful and has already stated go seek psychological help, has promised me to never drink again, and told me all the things he would do to make me feel safe enough to come back to a relationship with him, which he said was the number one thing he wanted in his life and that he’s incredibly sorry to have hit rock bottom for him to realize such thing. He’s also told me his reasoning behind it: he was all alone in a party (friend stood him up), so incredibly drunk and for the first time in his life socializing with complete strangers easily that he wanted to enjoy the night completely and wanted to shake that feeling of wanting to know what it’s like to be with other people; because he knew we wanted to be with me forever but the thought both scared and enticed him. He wanted a chance to see for himself. And when one girl gave pecks to half the party, he said: ive done a horrible thing already, there is no point in stopping now. So there were pecks, making out and some sexual stuff that night. He told me the next day bawling his eyes out and has asked me for a second chance ever since. I remember thinking: wow, i understand what he’s going through, cause i’ve been there. But, I broke up with him out of need of self respect. This is just a mere formality, because, as I told him, i needed I made him explain to me in excruciating detail how everything had happened and told him some of my deepest, darkest thoughts about this whole situation. Told him he disgusted me. Told him I wasn’t sure of wanting to come back to a relationship ever again. Implied that if i failed my classes, it was going to be because of this. He battled through all of it and still does. There are some things that still make my blood boil because i don’t think he’s ready for everything that he needs to do to gain my trust back. But deep down i wanna give him a second chance and i want to forgive and forget and move in eve cause i know i’m capable and because I GET IT, i get why he didi it, i’ve had the same thoughts, even acted upon them as well (as stated above). This is all stuff he knows: i’m mad, we’ve broken up, he’ll have to put an effort in winning me back and i see a chance in us getting back together but only if that effort is made. He has started but there is stuff that still needs work. But now i’m thinking… What if i get to forgive him and get into a new relationship and I never got the chance to experiment as he did? I’m thinking that maybe just for one night i wanna do the same he did. I know it won’t mean anything. I’m sure I’ll just wanna go back to him in the end of the day. But I need to do it because of not, i think im always gonna be the one with the tiny voice inside my head that says: how does it feel? and, why does he get to know and enjoy the relationship but you don’t? After all, after i send nudes to strangers on the internet i was trying to soothe the same urge in a more distant way, in my point of view. I’m thinking about telling him next time we see each other, since we’re broken-but-with-hopes-of-getting-back-together. But i’m also doubting this- what if he says no? What if he says yes but then is unable to move on in a relationship with me because of this? Truth be said, I am also terribly afraid of loosing him. But I also don’t wanna miss out, I don’t wanna feel stupid! It’s just as immature as it sounds, but if i’m not real with my feelings I will resent him forever. I wanna move on, I do, but I think this is the way to address the need to explore and experiment even when the best match, soulmate if you may, it’s present from such an early age. But also- haven’t i already done this? My incident with nudes to strangers is no little feat. I don’t know what to do… I want both reconciliation but in a way, to be fair and square with each other. TL;DR: (21F) Forgot I had sent nudes to multiple strangers on the internet years ago, told boyfriend (22M) of six years only last year; he forgave my cheating. Fast forward this year; he cheats in a party with multiple people. Want to give him a second chance but asked for a breakup with hopes of getting back together. Thinking about telling him that I also wanna make out with other people as he did but scared that that may cost me out shot at being together ever again. Also scared that if i don’t do it, i’ll be in another long relationship always wondering and resenting that he did got to know what it feels like.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months now and everything's been more than perfect. He treats me super well, gives me all the needed love and affection. However, recently I found his tumblr account. Turns out he often reblogs and likes explicit content, and nudes of other girls. Of course this made me super uncomfortable. I'd say our sex life is pretty good, we have sex a lot and I often send him nudes myself, so it's not like I don't satisfy him. I decided instead of confronting him about it, to test if he'd lie to me. So I waited for a good moment and started a convo about how I find it super disrespectful when a guy likes other girl's "sexy" photos online. I asked him if he does that and he said no. (I expected him to deny ofc and wasn't surpised). This sparked a long conversation tho and he started saying things like how there's always a line where the girl shouldn't cross to try and control her bf and brought up his ex and how she was controlling and would be mad at him for just saying hi to other girls or complimenting their outfits for example. Of course I agreed with him and said that's absurd and I wouldn't do that, but repeated that it's still disrespectful to like other girls' nudes online if you're in a relationship cus "you got food at home". He agreed and again said he doesn't do it and wouldn't do it to me. At this point I didn't want to be the crazy *** who stalked him so I didn't tell him that I know he does it. I decided to give him a chance and see if he will continue doing it. I thought maybe if I was in the same situation I'd deny it too to avoid conflict and not risk losing my partner over it and then I'd just stop doing it once I know my partner finds it disrespectful. However, I checked his tumblr again days later and turns out he still does it. I'm willing to forgive the lie about it at first, cus I thought maybe he'd feel guilty about it and stop doing it, but now I don't know how to feel. He completely disregarded my feelings about it because he thinks I'm never gonna find out. I know some people would say it's just like watching porn and that men are horny and that it means nothing, etc. but it makes me uncomfortable and even if I get over my insecurities about it, I don't know what to do about the trust issues I now have because I now know that he is capable of lying straight to my face with no remorse. What should I do? Do I confess that I know he lied or just try and forget about it and not check his tumblr anymore to keep myself sane???
I'm in the thick of trying to make sense of things after being dumped 2 weeks ago. Of course having the common issues with closure and accepting the rejection. I'm hoping that writing my situation out will help me process and hearing from others might also provide some comfort in my time of need. I started dating this 34(M) back in January 2021. He worked in data analytics, super smart, super educated, good nerdy type. (We dated for a total of 5 months and the last month was a long drawn out breakup) We met on Hinge and we had a pretty great first date. He was really into me it seemed. ALOT. I wasn't quite at that level just because I wasn't initially physically attracted to him. (However, I'm 30 and looks just aren't what I'm looking for now days at least not one of the main factors and I just really wanted to take things slow.) I wanted to do this differently this time 'round. He wasn't the usual type of guy I go for-- but I've realized over the past year that I have been single that I need to open my heart and eyes to other possibilities, personalities and people different than my go to. To be quite frank the really good looking ones just have really ***ed me over in the past. He had a lot of great qualities and I grew to become more and more attracted to him. In the first month I was a little taken back by the amount of interest he had in me and the level of priority and his availability overall. Not something I was used to at all. It scared me a little. I was on the fence whether I truly met a diamond in the rough or if this guy was love bombing me, or being super co-dependent. I will say we both come from a past. He came from a marriage that ended about 4 years ago where his ex wife apparently cheated on him on their honeymoon. 😮 I also came from a 3 year relationship about a 1.5 years ago who had cheated on me and done lots of shady ***. We both are very pro-therapy/working on mental health and identifying our roles in the past relationships we've had and really working on ourselves to heal that trauma. Over the course of the 5 months we would see each other 1-2 times a week, but talk/text everyday. The past year has been tough on me work wise because I really struggled to find something that I was really passionate about and one that didn't require me to work remotely due to COVID. I had accepted a job in January 2021, however it came apparent that it really wasn't something I wanted to do, so I was looking for something else in April 2021, interviewing here and there. My ex knew I was interviewing but I never really revealed how much I despised the job and literally wanted to quit everyday. I mean we had just started dating and I didn't want him to think I'm a quitter/unemployed. WELL.........the day came and I quit before accepting a new job. I didn't tell him I quit my job. I just wasn't comfortable revealing that information at the time. (Would you feel comfortable revealing to a NEW romantic partner that you REALLY liked, that you were a crappy relationship candidate? (in terms of being unemployed at the time) (again I hold a decent amount of my worth tied to my job, not ideal/balanced--I'm aware of that and trying to work on my identity being more than my job. However, I do think it's hard in today's overall culture -- "hustle culture" and "extreme productivity mindset" Well that proved to obviously not be the best thing because on the next few occasions we hung out I ended up drinking more than usual because I was hiding from the shame and guilt of being unemployed. For just a few hours I didn't want to think about it. Being unemployed is stressful and I know I'm not the only one out there that has experienced that type of "unemployment depression" if you want to call it. I feared telling him because I thought he'd leave me. In my mind my self confidence and self esteem was pretty low (as I hold a lot of my identity through what I do for work)--I really shamed myself and put him on a pedestal. Mind you, he never brought up me getting drunk the first time as an issue or that it bothered him. We never had established any conversation or boundaries around drinking. After the second occurrence where I drank more than usual (which was on a holiday/memorial day) the next morning I knew something was wrong......he didn't text like he usually did in the morning and I apologized remorsefully for maybe embarrassing him. Apparently, he was super super super hurt by it. He proceeded with a cold text toward me saying he needed to process what happened. When he sent that, my alarm bells went off and it triggered me into "fear of abandonment" mode. (I know I'm still in therapy to work on that) Nonetheless, it was something that put me into a downward spiral/self - fulfilling prophecy that he was indeed going to leave me. I gave him some space and asked if he would call me when he got a chance as I wanted to talk about this and have a discussion. Well.... he never called me or asked to see me later. Or the next day, or the next day, or the next week. I finally revealed to him over text that I had quit my job and that my behavior was due to my extenuating circumstances and trying to do my best in my time of uncertainty with employment. (I'm still trying to understand how I hurt him so much by having a few drinks (and on a holiday) -- please understand I am not an alcoholic. My friends and family can vouch for that) I just had a few bad days where I was really feeling crummy about my situation. You might think that one you really care about and really like would show understanding and compassion toward a circumstance like this --- maybe feel more concern in ways to console those thoughts/feelings rather than throwing them back in your face. Unfortunately, THIS did not play in my favor by telling him the TRUTH. He eventually told me at the end of a long excruciating break-up month of him processing his feelings after I told him that---Well, He just couldn't get past the fact that I lied to him and hid that from him. He revealed that He's been lied to by friends, family, ex-partners, and that it hurts. He said, "All I've known is hurt" he went on to ask me "Why?" Why me, MiKayla?" "What did I do to you?" "What did I do to you to make you think I would leave" I apologized remorsefully over the course of the month. I sent an edible arrangement to him, I sent long chain texts messages trying to convince him to trust me and that the reason I lied and hid that from him was simply due to my own embarrassment and insecurity. This was not something that I was trying to intentionally inflict pain onto him or out of malice. I told him I wanted to fix this. "What can I do to fix this?"..... Days went by where he said he wanted to see me and talk this through, but then when it came down to it and I planned for it and expected to see him......he would ghost me and wouldn't hear a word from him the rest of the day/night. I'm brokenhearted....because I feel I truly lost a good one due to my stupid mistake and it hurts because I feel he's projecting all his hurt from his past relationships on me and I don't get a second chance to prove myself. Some of my friends say that he will continue to have issues if he shuts down every time a prospective lover makes a mistake. It's like as soon as things got serious/ there happened to show a little bit of conflict he ran. He ran fast......and I'm left feeling so confused and hurt because I fell for this person and I was blindsided by this. I wish we could have talked about this in person/on the phone since we were involved in each others lives for almost 6 months. I feel so unheard and unseen by him-- I never thought the one person I truly thought had strong feelings for me, understanding and compassion, just decided that morning that he never wanted to see or talk to me in person again. It ***ing hurts so bad. I really fell for him, I wanted to communicate with him and talk this through. I wanted to learn more about him, understand him more, be there for each other in hard times and at the 5 month mark I couldn't help but think of more in the future with him. So I'm grieving those expectations/once potential future..... Is it just me or is he having some really strong opinions to some small issues? (I didn't lie about being married, having children, or cheating)....Then again I am aware a lie is a lie..... I guess we could also just chalk it up to the 'ole, "He just wasn't that into you" and that's that...... move on..... He's just really made me feel like *** about this whole thing.....One of the last texts messages I got from him was, "This isn't just an issue between you and I MiKayla, but, rather how do I not bring this into future personal/intimate relationships in the future?" --Ouch..... I guess I really really did him dirty.