DancingFool

OP what you did wrong is act like a completely pathetic doormat and take on her happiness as your personal responsibility. This is truly one of those things where many people would find it hard to respect someone who is so quick to prostrate himself at their feet like...well....a doormat. Her period is not your problem. Neither are her hormones or her cravings. It would be one thing if you happened to be nearby and could bring her something as a nice gesture. Quite another to drop everything and drive back for an hour to cater to the princess who clearly doesn't appreciate your very presence and then continue jumping through hoops and loops trying to please her as she flogs you. You really need to take a huge step back and figure out what's driving your desperate need to please to the detriment of your own dignity and self respect. This relationship dynamic is all kinds of toxic.

We can debate his unemployed status all day long, buuut ^ this is really the only part that matters. OP, he told you pretty bluntly that he is not on board with your marriage plans anymore. This relationship is pretty much over and will only continue as long as you drag this out and keep him around knowing that marriage is not on the table. Even so, don't be surprised if he up and ends this because he needs to go find himself. He is pretty much warning you about that already. You are way too stuck in your plan and your tunnel vision of what you want and when. Meanwhile you are actively ignoring a lot of things about the guy including such a blatant warning shot across your bow. Actually, that's more than a warning shot, you are being torpedoed and you still seem to be in denial and stuck on "I can't believe he isn't proposing." I mean....come on....he already told you he won't.....

.....Yikes.... Saying that he is acting like some frat boy is incredibly disrespectful on your part toward him. It's a snide and insulting attitude toward someone you claim to care about. Worse than that, aside from looking down on him and who he is as a person, you are actually banking that he will suddenly change. News flash....people do not change their personalities. Being outgoing and enjoying socializing isn't some flaw that will go away or that he'll grow out of. This is who he is and quite frankly, being social will serve him well in life. Basically, if you are counting on him changing you are in for great disappointment. The question is, how much of your time are you willing to waste before you find out the hard way that what you see is what you get.

Between the 2 people warning you about him and the giant red flags he has raised about vilifying his ex's AND his own child....you should be sprinting for the nearest exit. This man is some serious bad news.

Yes, ego and massive insecurities. Either way, that's way too much drama coming from an fwb. If I were you, I'd step away from this guy. His behavior is uncalled for and not something you should tolerate.

It's not neglect, it's incompatibility. What he likes to do and how he likes to socialize and spend time with you doesn't fit in with how you are and what you want from a relationship. Neglect would be if he went out with friends and you weren't invited or welcome. However, you simply don't want to join him. That's the definition of incompatibility. Rather than getting into blame games and resentments, would be better to call it a day on this relationship and simply acknowledge that you and him are way too different to be happy and content together. Going forward, look for a guy who is more into being one on one with you rather than out socializing with many. In short, look for someone who is more similar to you in terms of how they socialize and how much. Dating is all about learning who is and isn't right for us in the long run and this is teaching you that a Mr. Alwayssocializing is not your cup of tea and not suitable for you.

No it cannot be salvaged and it should have never gone on this long to begin with. What you describe in terms of qualities you like about her and value, describes most women out there. The fact that you are not physically/sexually attracted to her isn't going to change and yes, as time goes by you will feel more and more repulsed by her. This is not fair to her or to you. Please stop wasting her time and end this yesterday. In short, stop being so selfish and using her companionship while you lust after other women. Enough is enough. Please realize that if you carry on wasting time on her, eventually you will end up cheating on her. She deserves better than that. You also deserve to be with someone you actually feel attracted to who is also everything else you are looking for. Again, with heavy emphasis, your needs are not that unique and she isn't so special that no other woman could live up to that. Attraction and good qualities are not mutually exclusive qualities.

"People who are struggling with narcissistic abuse syndrome often doubt their own self-worth or sanity. They are usually very concerned about their flaws, failures, and other shortcomings – regardless of whether or not these issues are real. In many cases, they are simply ideas that were planted in their mind by their narcissistic partner. Those struggling with narcissistic abuse syndrome often have a hard time identifying with reality. Since their minds will be so distorted and confused from the constant abuse and emotional manipulation, they may begin to question what they know to be real." Does ^ describe how you feel? If so, then understand that the only way out of this is to get out of this relationship in a pull off the band aid fast kind of way. You will need to get it together and just get rid of him completely and cut off all contact so he doesn't suck you back in.

With a 2 year old and a newborn, there is no getting away from the stress. At least not for awhile. So rather than accusing your wife of anything, sit down and talk about how you two could alleviate some of the stress with the child rearing. You are both exhausted, so rather than digging deeper into mutual resentments, think of how to dig your way out. Can you get someone to babysit so you two can have a break for a few hours at least once or twice a week? Do you have any family nearby who could pitch in a bit here and there? A 12 hour work shift is a lot, but then a two year old and a newborn is a 24/7 shift that never ends. So yes, she is resentful and can't help it even if she isn't normally like that. The good news is that it will pass as the children grow up a bit. The bad is that in the meantime, every marriage and relationship gets stressed and you both need to find some adult down time to save your sanity and your relationship.

...Nice people do not make their happiness your problem. In fact they will never ever blame you or put you down for it, let alone imply in any way that you are not enough for them somehow. What you are describing is the opposite of nice and pretty much cruel.

Even so, bad therapists are a dime a dozen. Finding a good one is hard. In your case, you need to leave this guy and I'm willing to bet good money that once you do that, you'll find that you don't need any therapy after all. Doubting yourself and your own sanity is the hallmark of being in an abusive relationship.

You need to find a therapist who is more experienced with abuse and less interested in telling you what you want to hear for extra $$$. Sure finish my course, then take another, then come back and keep fixing yourself when the real problem is your abusive relationship. *eye roll* Also, what you are describing is exactly what the cycle of abuse looks like in real life. He is nice until he isn't. He does all these wonderful things, then he beats me up (mentally, emotionally, physically or all three). OP, normal relationships don't have these types of ups and downs.

OK, he is NEVER going to stop manipulating and gaslighting you about any of this. He will always put you down, tell you that you are the crazy one, etc. So if he is your source of figuring out what is right and wrong, you will always be in the wrong and he'll make sure of it. YOU need to step aside and away from him. Stop talking to him. If you need a few days, then actually take the weekend to get away from him completely. Go stay with a friend. Don't tell him that there is a problem or that you are leaving because you need to think or anything else such. That will just make him pile on the gaslighting, and lies, and chasing, and telling you whatever to make you stay and make sure that he stays in your head and in control precisely so you can't stop and think for yourself. He has literally taken away your agency and it's on you to take it back and only way is to act and get rid of him.

Sounds like you need to work on accepting that cheating is not and was never about you. You can't drive someone into cheating or keep them away from it, no matter who you are or what you do. It is a character problem in the cheater that you don't control. Super models get cheated on. Nobody is exempt. Only way is to do your best to ensure that the person you are with is a genuinely good person with strong values when it comes to honesty. Not someone who talks about it, but someone who lives it. Something you can see in their actions consistently over time. As for trust, trust is not blind and it's not black and white either. Trust is very much a conditional and a situational thing. When a person acts in ways that are above board, you grant them a certain amount of trust. The more consistent they are, the more you can trust them to act that way. When or if they start going against that, time to roll back your trust as well. Basically, the old "trust but verify" principle or I'll trust you as long as you act in ways that are trustworthy.

I'm glad you realize that this relationship is affecting your mental health. That said....what is it going to take for you to finally leave this abuser? Yes, OP, you are in an abusive relationship and this crazy making is what it looks like. Harsh reality is that most abusers will never hit you, so if you are waiting on that line in the sand, it won't happen. What will happen is that if you don't leave him, eventually you'll end up in the psych ward in the hospital after he drives you to complete mental break down. You know what's worse than that? Waking up one day and realizing how many years you've wasted on this loser that you can never get back. For the love of......get out. I don't care if you have a house or whatever. Walk away. Literally....what's your health worth because it is coming down to that.

Please make an appointment with a psychiatrist. It sounds like you might be living with undiagnosed ADHD and so that will make your life very difficult. It's easy for people to accuse you and say things like you forget because you don't want to do it badly enough. It's about as helpful as telling a person with a broken leg that they could run if they really wanted to. This kind of forgetfulness and lack of impulse control usually are symptoms of a bigger problem that can be treated, managed, and addressed properly so you don't have to live feeling bad and destroying relationships. Feeling bad, worried, or guilty won't help you. Getting proper professional care will change your life for the better.

I'd approach dating a bit less from the "looking for long term" and more just taking it one date at a time getting to know people and figuring out what does and doesn't work for you. It's a bit like building a house - you start out by laying a good foundation and figuring what that actually is. If you get focused on all the details you want in the house, you'll just get overwhelmed. So I'd get a good profile online and just go on dates with an open mind. Don't over chat too much before meeting. Keep initial meetings light and brief and then decide if you want to see them again or not. Don't get fixated on what he is thinking, focus on what you need to learn about him. Also, get involved in things where single guys can be found - coed sports, hiking/outdoors groups, meetup.com may have hobby stuff like that in your area. Tennis is full of single men. So find some venues where you can meet men organically as well and see if you happen to hit it off with someone. The good part about late 20's and 30's is that you have really good options for dating as those who went to grad schools and those who focused on getting their career going are hitting the market looking for marriage and family. So do be aware of that and don't feel like you are behind the curve or something. You are in prime pickings time.

OP, please stop swinging to extremes. Nobody suggested that you should date someone you aren't attracted to. That would be so wrong on so many levels. Physical/sexual attraction to someone is the most basic of threshold musts in dating. That said, there is a difference between only wanting to date a guy who looks like a trophy and dating a guy you feel attracted to but who may seem average to others.

OP, he did end the relationship and that tells you everything you need to know about where you stand with him. The rest is just him using you to get over you. When he keeps chatting you up every single day, he gets the benefit of your friendship, support, companionship without giving anything back to you - commitment and relationship. You are going along with this falsely thinking that he'll realize how great you are and come back. Wrong. People don't value what they get for free and you are allowing him to just use the parts of you he wants and finds convenient. Stop it. Tell him that he can no longer contact you and that you need to heal from the break up. If he ever sorts himself out and wants to try again, he is welcome to reach out. Meanwhile, you do just that - heal and move on. Do not wait on him. If he does reach out and wants to try again, at the very least you'll be able to make a clear headed decision whether he was all that and worth another try or not. It would also give both of you the best chance of reconnecting on a fresh page. One thing to think about is this - even if he came back to you next week wanting a relationship, could you ever trust him with your heart again? What happens next time there is a life event or he gets overwhelmed with what if's? He'll just dump you and run away again? Is that kind of uncertainty something you want hanging over your head like a dark cloud all the time?

Agreeing to sleep with someone you don't know who doesn't even have a proper profile on social media isn't meeting someone organically. What you just did is pretty risky and something you might want to reconsider doing again. One thing that is clear is that you are not cut out for casual sex and that you are really rusty about this whole dating thing and how it works. In this situation in particular, I wouldn't overthink it - he seems to have only been looking to get laid, got it and was done. Keep in mind that you have no idea who he really is, if he possibly has a gf/wife and is cheating, etc. So going forward, be mindful of these types of anonymous profiles and guys willing to go far to get laid. It's not a compliment to you. Above aside, there is a difference between reciprocating and chasing and I think you need to figure out that balance as you get back into dating. Good quality men will not chase you and will expect you to reciprocate interest and effort when it comes to dating and building a relationship. Think of it more like a game of tennis. If either person keeps dropping the ball and never sending it back - game over.

Wonder if your husband would agree that you've been living as "just friends" or if he would be in for quite a surprise at this kind of a description of his marriage. Such a typical cheater line you are using there OP trying minimize your bs while attempting to gain people's sympathy. Anyway, if you cared about your family, you wouldn't have spend the past 12 years cheating on them. Doing the right thing in terms of divorce seems a bit overdue. So yes, get a divorce and if you really care, then walk away with nothing. Let your husband have everything - house, money, pensions, etc. Tell him why. That would be one tiny step in righting over a decade of lies and deceit. Are you prepared to do that? Doubt it. You are too selfish for that. Duping your family is so much more thrilling.

Emily isn't pretending to be mentally ill, she IS 100% mentally ill. On that note, you need to slowly distance yourself from Emily and learn how to recognize someone who is psycho a little faster so you can stay away from such people. On the bright side, anything Emily claims or says, you can easily dismiss as the ramblings of a crazy person. No sane person will ever take Emily seriously anyway. OP, it seems that you've lead a very sheltered life and have little experience with human interactions, including friendships, liking or admiring people, as well as what crazy looks like. This entire situation seems like a crash course in all of that. Platonic love exists and it's very different from sexual desire. You can love your friend who is a female or have deep admiration for someone without any sexual desire. That love doesn't make you gay or bi. People like Emily may come across as very energetic, charismatic, etc. but when you observe them acting crazy it's because they are indeed crazy. They aren't acting, they just are. Look back and learn to see the signs faster because your intuition that this Emily is a dangerous person is correct. You never know when someone who is unhinged will turn on you, so you quietly distance yourself and become very very boring so she looks for company in others and leaves you be. Finally, please make friends outside of work. Life is less messy that way.

It sounds like a fair weather type relationship. Things seemed great when you were fit and able to take care of yourself and him. Although I do suspect that you've ignored some pretty big red flags about him being selfish along the way. Now that a big storm hit your life and you are not well and need to lean on him, you are finding out that he is just that....selfish, self centered and not the type to lend a hand to anyone, even if it's as simple as a run to the grocery store. Hate to say this, but a neighbor you barely know would probably offer to go get things for you faster than your bf. Key word being offer while your bf grumbles and refuses after you have to ask him. Forget what he does or doesn't share with his family. That's a red herring. Their dynamic between them is not about you. However, him grumbling or refusing to so much as go get groceries for you.....that's all the information you need to show him out the door. There are no excuses for that level of selfishness.

After just 5 weeks, you have no idea who she really is. None. It's important that you wrap your mind around that. It's not who you have gotten to know, it's who you imagine she was and turns out that who you imagined is not who she is. She didn't just pull away like that, she was already pulling away, she just didn't inform you and even once she did, it was super passive aggressive and left you kind of hanging and confused. It would have been kinder had she simply told you she lost interest. What you came across is a very classic, "what burns hot and fast, burns out just as fast" situation. It may feel all kinds of wonderful and intense and downright intoxicating that this person is soooo into you, but if you step back....she didn't really know you enough to be that into you. It was a lot of fluff and smoke and mirrors. Not saying that she is intentionally evil, simply that you both got caught up more into the idea of this being all that rather than reality of it. Anyway, after barely a month and change, no you do not wait, you move on. You were barely starting to get to know each other and now she is done. So, best that you move on, work on yourself and whatever issues that were raised by this brief encounter so that when you are more ready, you can be a good bf to the right woman and balanced enough to move at a more steady pace.

^This in a nutshell. OP, fantasizing out loud about your sister or your friends is creepy af and this creep should be history. Also, he is totally gaslighting you by trying to blame his creepy behavior on ADHD. That's a truckload of utter bs. On a side note, don't tell people about how you are insecure or have low self esteem hoping that others will respect that and take care of you. Predators like this creep will only use that information to manipulate you and take advantage of you. Nobody can take care of you and your well being except for you, so please learnt to listen and trust your inner voice when it's screaming at you that something is wrong. It's the ONLY voice that matters in your life. If it's wrong to you, then it is wrong. If you voice your concerns and get disregarded or told that you are wrong....your only action then to show them out the door and bolt it shut behind them. Once you start exercising that power, you'll find that you no longer feel so low because you don't have people in your life who are abusing you anymore.