DancingFool

Which goes back to what I noted before. This isn't him, but rather something about your past that is triggering you badly that you are associating with him or maybe his demeanor reminds you of something and it's sending you into this tailspin. You need to figure out for yourself what it is.

Because cheating is only fun when he has someone to cheat on, which is you. Also, he duped you once, so he thinks you are an easy target to dupe some more. Much harder to go out into the wild and find a new victim to dupe and abuse. You are a proven bet in his mind. Not flattering to you and nothing to do with love or caring. He actually thinks that little of you, that's why he is doing what he is doing. Besides, if after everything he's done he can fool you again into buying his bs, that's quite an ego trip for him. He is the grand master liar and you are a puppet he controls and manipulates - that's a bigger high than any drug could produce for him. Definitely watch your back because that stuff can escalate quite a bit. Be super careful and please never confuse this with love. People who genuinely love you don't cheat on you.

This is not a criticism or an insult. It's his job to know who is doing what and track that. It's also his job to address issues with whatever. Whose responsibility is this? - Mine. Period. Skip on the defensive bs "I'm new here." Well you need to do it asap. - Will do. OR if you need extra time then be professional and ask for x time for y reason ("don't know how or I am new" is not a reason, btw) In other words, present reasonable and specific requests and timelines and be able to back yourself up....aka be professional and then meet those times and deadlines you've requested. Pointing out a mistake is not criticism, it's constructive criticism and something you should be able to manage and respect. Again, your response should be "Noted. Will correct as per y request." He is being professional with you, so meet him at his level and be professional as well. The more you do that, the better he'll like you. On a side note, you are an adult complaining that this guy is being strictly professional, only addressing work related issues. You really need to think on where this is coming from within you because he isn't the issue, your reactions are.

^This reads like something about his appearance or demeanor is triggering something, some kind of fear or trauma from your past. It's not normal to have such a visceral reaction to a face on the screen that you don't even know well or work that closely with. I'd dig way deeper into this with your therapist and don't let this be dismissed as just changing your self talk. The therapist isn't wrong, but it might help you a lot to understand where this is coming from to begin with.

The problem is that you are treating sex and sexual experience as a competition AND you see your partner not as someone on your team, but as your competition. This attitude will bleed into other areas of your relationship as well and it's destructive to relationships. Imagine playing on a team where your teammates hit you in the knees so you don't score? That's the mentality you are taking into this relationship. So, somehow or other, you need to learn to step away from this competitive mindset and start seeing her as a partner and not as a competitor who is against you. Btw, it's not juvenile, it's pretty common. We are all competitive by nature and it's important to learn to differentiate and compartmentalize who is and isn't your competition and who you should and shouldn't be competing against. Your romantic partner is your partner, never someone you compete against. Keep that to work or sports. If you have a competitive nature, it's just something you have to learn to manage by willpower and self-awareness and having healthy outlets for it like a sport.

Please do not have any contact with him ever again. Ask a coworker to deal with him when/if he shows up. He might have seemed like a great guy, but you know now that he is actually a predator. Make no mistake that he knows what he did and he also thinks so little of you that he believes he can pretend, lie, manipulate, and deny wrongdoing and you'll just roll over and believe him. He committed a crime and he knows this and he thinks you are weak enough that he can get away with it unscathed. Sorry to be harsh, OP, but this is what he thinks of you. It's not that he doesn't understand what he did, it's that he thinks he can manipulate you into accepting it. I can't emphasize this enough - he knows what he is doing. He is the quintessential wolf in sheep's clothing. Also, please understand that you are not alone. Women spend so much time worrying about stranger danger. In reality, most women get sexually assaulted by men they know and trust. I know you slept with him willingly and trusted him, but what he did with your trust....amounts to assault and it is hands down a crime. In your shoes, I would fight back and report him and what he did. You are probably not the first and won't be the last. Remember that he is 51 years old. He is not a child and he knows what he is doing very well. He just doesn't believe that consequences apply to him.

The point of dating apps is NOT to make chat buddies, but to MEET people in real life and figure out from there if there is real life attraction and you want to date them or not. Since you told her that you are not looking to meet, what's the point of talking to you? No surprise that she distanced herself and stopped wasting her time on you. That said, she seems really interested in you still, but if you aren't willing to meet people, why are you even on the app? You need to learn to keep this simple. You like a match, chat briefly. Arrange a meet - something safe and simple like a coffee or ice cream or drinks after work. Meet, chat, keep it brief. If you like each other you can extend things to dinner or lunch or arrange an actual date for another time. If not, you can part ways quickly and politely.

Zombie thread walking......

First of congrats on your dream job! In terms of practical advice, start out by getting your own place first even if it's short term rather than immediately moving in together and trying to blend families and adding all that stress and strain. Instead, allow yourself and your children time to adjust - get settled, make friends of your own, get into hobbies, etc. The biggest mistake people make when closing distance relationships is failing to establish their own personal life and making their partner their everything socially. So be sure you don't do that because that strains relationships badly. Also while you are getting settled in and established, enjoy just dating each other and getting to know each other in real life. No doubt you have great communication skills with each other but you still have that big unknown of real life dynamics. So rather than rushing to move in and adding all that stress, take the time to really enjoy each other and do a sort of dating honeymoon. Take the stress of moving and adjustment out of the equation. If you continue to get along and click well, then the next step of blending your lives and moving in together will be smooth and easy and natural. Think of this more like sitting down to a fine meal and taking your time to savor each bite rather than gulping down fast food. Other than that....just breathe and remember that your biggest established tool as a couple is communication, so don't forget to keep using it when face to face. It will help you deal with a lot of challenges. Also, try to level your expectations. The higher your expectations, the more difficult it may be to process things that are different from how you imagined things would go, so basically try your best not to over think things too much. Keep an open mind and give this a sort of blank slate approach as much as you can.

I'm glad this all got resolved and I hope you realize that yes, this is what it looks like when your spouse is honest and caring. That said, I think you do need to be honest with yourself that you have some personal issues to address and work out. No, it's not about the guy. It's your wife you don't trust and your lack of trust is completely unfounded.....or rather driven by your own deep insecurities that have nothing to do with her and aren't caused by her. I hope you think on that and work on yourself so this doesn't keep repeating.

Please do not buy a house with him. Also, engaged without a date set and going for 5 years now is you getting strung along with a promise without action. You've become so conditioned over the years to be treated like garbage, you don't seem to know right from wrong anymore. So all I can tell you looking in from the outside, is that your relationship is toxic and you need to end things and get away from this guy. He is using, abusing, and manipulating you to a horrifying degree and you are just rolling over and putting up with like it's normal. This woman he is calling a "friend" is probably someone he is screwing. Sorry to be so crass, but come on. If anything about this above board, you'd be a part of their friendship as you should be as his SO. Instead, he tells you to your face that you are not welcome, that you are not invited and you are OK with this? OP, you've got to wake up and snap out of this. There literally nothing normal, OK, or acceptable about the way you are being treated. Trust your own instincts - you feel second class because that's how he is treating you. You can't talk to your family and friends because you know deep down that they would be horrified on your behalf and rally for you to leave and get away from him. You do need to find it in you to go and yes, speak up and tell people so you can get the support that you need and close the door on going back to him. Marrying this guy would be the worst mistake of your life. Quite frankly, spending another day with him is already a mistake and time you will never get back. You are ONLY 26 - RUN and seek better for yourself. Also, please get some counseling to understand why you stayed and put up with such bs for so long so you don't end up with another jerk.

He isn't just emotionally manipulating, he is flat out abusing you. OP, this is what a cycle of abuse looks like in real life - he is really great when he isn't beating you up mentally and emotionally, cussing you out, getting wasted, driving you into debt, etc, etc, etc. No doubt you are fixating on those moments when he isn't awful, but let's face it - he is awful and if you don't leave him, you'll end up destroyed. What you do is leave him and get a divorce asap. Get help and support for yourself from a therapist who specializes in helping abuse victims (yes, you are one) and if you can't afford it, call an abuse hotline and get help and a referral for free assistance on how to leave this situation. OP....it's really shocking to read what you are putting up with. Please stop making excuses for him and get away from him.

Slow down. You've barely met and btw, 3-4 per week when you've only just met is overkill. Anyway, all that's happening now is that you are learning that she is bad at texting. OK, some people are. You have to figure out how much that does or doesn't matter to you. Also, you need to learn to express calmly and clearly your needs and expectations if something is not working for you. Then you sit back and observe if the person can try and compromise and things improve or if it's a deal breaker for you because she keeps doing the same. On a side note, dating isn't about "messing things up". Its YOUR time to observe and see if this woman is really right for you or not quite. If not quite, don't waste your time and walk away. You are not a clown who messed up a performance, so please don't approach dating from such an insecure perspective. Dating is a mutual choice. If it works for both of you, you'll keep going. If it doesn't, you'll part ways and either one of you can make that decision. You need to allow yourself some power in this and lose the idea that you can manipulate someone into dating you if you just everything right or that you need to put up with their bs when it irritates you just to hang on. Learn how to weed out wrong ones and empower yourself to do so.

No, no, no he should not do anything such until he actually talks to a couple of good divorce lawyers and gets proper advice on what he can and can't do and how. These kinds of actions can have severe financial repercussions on the OP come divorce, which is imminent, whether he likes it or not. As for her studies and whatever, that is no longer his problem. If she no longer wants to be a wife then she needs to go get a job and figure out how she will support herself on her own. If her husband is so bad and controlling, then she needs to leave instead of enjoying his friendship, companionship, and money. If she insists on playing games, then unfortunately, the OP does need to get the ball rolling by talking to divorce lawyers and getting informed about things and gearing up for parting ways. He can't keep bending over backwards trying to please someone who doesn't want to be pleased.

Your anxiety is telling you that this is a situation you do need to address and get out of. Your body is literally sending you a physical reaction trying to force you to act instead of sitting in limbo in denial. The way forward isn't to medicate yourself and stay, but to take action and file for divorce. Also, have you considered that there is someone else? It sounds an awful lot like your wife is busy gaslighting you and blame shifting everything to you which is typical of cheaters. Whoever said that her parents probably told her some harsh realities that lead to the fight and either her leaving or getting kicked out is correct. You've made too many excuses for her bad behavior as "oh it's depression" when more likely it's just lack of character. She is never going to go to a doctor and get help because she knows who she really is and that can't be fixed.

On the one hand, yes I totally agree that you are handling this really well and are doing a great job of maintaining boundaries. On the other hand.....why do you insist on vacationing in the hornet's nest? You know what they say about power struggles.....it takes two to fight and you are going out of your way to engage. There are thousands of other vacation options where you and your SO can have a lovely time that is fam and stress free, so why do you insist on doing this. Food for thought and please don't say tradition or habit or timeshare rights.......

So how many times does the OP have to point out that if he does that, it upsets her. He's already tried that route without a good result. So yes, he needs to stop avoiding the conversation that they need to have about boundaries and simple respect toward each other when it comes to having company, when, how often, and how much notice each need for that. When you are single and living on your own completely, you can do whatever you want. When you live with someone else, basic respect and consideration should be common sense and if it isn't, then they do need to talk and come to some compromise that works for both them.

She may know in theory, but not in practice. Just like you would with roommates, you and her need to sit down and work out some basic house rules, including and especially when company is welcome and when not. It's not about being upset and quietly stewing in resentment, but rather about communication with your partner. Be clear and honest about what you want and need and seek out some kind of a compromise that works for both of you. Now if you try to approach her about it and she refuses to listen, gets upset, doesn't want to see your point of view and doesn't want to compromise or adjust her behavior.....consider that you and her are not compatible and will not work out in the long run. Try to talk about this when you are both calm and have some time to hash things out so you can both be happy. Remember that partners aren't mind readers and living together does take some adjustment for both people and a whole lot of getting used to. Especially when you have opposing personalities, aka introvert/extrovert.

That's a really really healthy attitude. For what it's worth, it seems like the stress, covid, puppy, etc. all kind of overtook both of you, but you both actually made very sound and healthy choices to fix those issues. Rehoming the pup was definitely the right thing to do and you both also decided to address your respective health/weight issues through working out. Again a good choice you both stuck to. That said, I think you are still feeling some insecurities about yourself and that's perhaps making you more sensitive. The trouble that many couples get into when they decide to get fit or lose weight together is that there comes that competitive element into it and whoever is doing less well starts to feel off or a bit insecure about themselves. Thing is that your marriage and your partner aren't your competition. It sounds like you are doing well supporting each other, communicating, overcoming things and not getting lost in the journey. My only advice is don't get stuck in a rut of work/gym/tv. Shake things up. Go on road trips on the weekends. Find something that you both like to do as a hobby or just try some new things in general every so often. You'll be fine. Don't worry about some guy she occasionally chats with as you both seem to have a healthy view toward opposite sex friendships as well. Ultimately, you can't stop someone from cheating if they want to, you can only make the choice to leave them. However, don't let suspicion and perhaps some lingering personal insecurities poison your relationship.

How was a dog getting in the way of your marriage????

This is extremely manipulative. He is basically trying to guilt trip you. With friends like that, who needs enemies..... You owe him nothing. He didn't just mess up once, he's been messing up for a long long time and you've been trying to talk to him for a long time and putting up with too much for too long. That sense of peace you are feeling, it's telling you just how toxic and stressful this relationship really was. Good that you left him and don't look back and don't let anyone manipulate or guilt trip you into thinking otherwise.

^If this doesn't make it clear to you that she doesn't care one bit about her marriage and about you, then I don't know what will. Stop trying to explain to her what she knows herself very well. It's not that she doesn't understand, it's that she doesn't care. As you said yourself, life happens but you didn't cheat. Most people don't. Cheating isn't caused by hardships or relationship issues, it's just pure entitlement and lack of character. You can't repair a marriage that SHE chose to break singlehandedly and has zero interest in repairing. I know it's difficult to accept this and disorienting to find out that your life partner, someone you love and care about, doesn't give a flying eff about you and is a liar and a cheater and remorseless about it to boot, but the sooner you do, the better for you. Leave her and you will thank yourself soon enough. Cheating is one of those things that you don't forgive. You can only choose to shrivel yourself to nothing and turn a blind eye to your partner cheating and cheating until one day they will still discard you. You can try to police your marriage, but realize that when people want to cheat, they will always find a way and it's you who will lose your health due to all the stress of policing and lying to yourself that this is working just fine. Don't choose to live in that kind of misery and hell. At 25 you can so easily rebuild your life with someone who is not a low life.

Yeah I do frequent these places and that's why I'm saying she is actually hitting on you and not just for tips. If you like her and are interested, ask her out - coffee, meet for dinner, whatever. You can keep it light. If you aren't really into her, then it doesn't matter. Do nothing.

Besides Hooters there are many other places, bigger chains like High Peaks (yup ... really) and some hole in the wall types. Think of it more like a sports bar that serves wings, a loooong list of all kinds of beers, walls covered with TV's showing all kinds of sports and scantily clad wait staff. Not being a stranger to all that, I'll just say again, that yes sure the wait staff flirt (men and women accordingly) but not normally to this extent. There tends to be a distinct difference between flirting to get some tips and stepping over the line looking for more. So, to the OP, yes she is fishing for more than just a tip. Wake up and step up....or not....as you wish. Just don't drag it out for another month or two and then go, "well gee I tried and she said she has a bf"...no duh. Don't be too late the party if you actually want to party.

Any place USA....lol