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EitherDare0

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  1. Thank you all for your responses. I have gone full No Contact mode since this post almost a week ago. Granted it's only been a few days, but... so far. The day after I posted the update 7/26, she had texted me. Some small tidbit complaining about her job, looking for sympathy. I ignored it... then later blocked her, on everything. Huge problem I am having is the dreams. I have more dreams about her now than I was earlier on. Maybe the shock is wearing off. It's terrible. It's not once in a while, it is EVERY night. Sometimes it's like we are together. Other times it's some conjured up betrayal scenario. Other times it's just random incoherent inclusion. So frustrating. I constantly wake up depressive from it. I wake up and will literally super focus my brain to think of something, anything else. Doesn't matter, as soon as I go back to sleep it she comes flooding right back in. I workout, hard, daily. I keep busy. I talk about it here and there to friends, and obviously use this site to help me get it off my chest. Does not matter, it's a constant struggle to stop thinking about her, both during sleep AND awake. I know some have recommended therapy. Other than medication idk what else they can do for me. I can talk about her and it all until I'm blue in the face, doesn't change how often I am reminded of her and how often I dream of her.
  2. Yes, I know exactly how weak it is... I am pretty sure I've stated clearly that I am pretty weak in all this and I hate the power she has over me. I get what you're saying, but it's not quite that easy for me. I think (hope) I am wavering in the Depression, Acceptance stage.
  3. Apparently not. I know what I should do, but I apparently do not have the mental fortitude to do so. I would imagine like any hurt person, part of me lives in this fairy tale world, where she is contacting me out of missing me, and will soon realize how much she wants to have me around. But, rationally that's not going to happen. I have no choice to move on or suffer longer from it. I wish I had the drive to do so, but sadly I do not feel I do yet.... which makes me feel even more like a piece of crap. It's funny, bc you read other peoples posts on this site, so many times it's easy to say what they should do. Until.... it's your own that you are dealing with lol. Interesting study in psychology I suppose.
  4. I think all this is a fair statement. I suppose I struggle with the reality of it truly being over. So completely over. A lot of it probably stems from how swiftly and suddenly it ended. I wish I could say I sensed it, like I felt we were growing apart, or she was acting differently or distant, but honestly I did not get that. Also doesn't help that I still have not been able to full let go of our things. Our place we had before I moved to AZ. I still have it for a few more weeks, and I need to get back there and finish getting rid of things. Our things, some of her things. I guess right now I sort of live with it out of sight out of mind, but the painful truth is I still must go back to Our apartment we shared, and finish closing that chapter of our lives. Which holds a lot of pictures, her items, etc. Fun!
  5. Well we are not friends on any social media at all. Beginning of the month I let me emotions and hurt get the best of me and sent her a scathing message out of frustration and pain. Nothing psychotic, but the sort of response you might find from a wounded soul hurt and confused. Which got me blocked on everything. Which I actually was fine with. BUT, a week ago out of the blue she texted me to apologized for blocking me, to let me know she unblocked me on Instagram. To which I have NOT followed her on. I also took her down off all my Instagram photos. The only real contact we've had lately is some important things like discussing the separation of things. I.E she was on my health benefits so she needs to get her own. She took care of the car insurance so I have to get my own. She did then reach out to ask how my move and new job was going. So we exchanged a few texts there. Yesterday, she attempted to vent to me about some issues she is having with her roommate. I am sure it's part because she feels comfortable talking to me about it/our background, and the other part is likely she wanted me to be the moron/friend type she can complain to about her drama, with no benefits of a relationship. Because I am sure whatever man she keeps company with doesn't know much to weigh in, or she doesn't want to burden them with that... I did not really help must. I bluntly responded once my opinion in a very "Don't cry to me about it" tone, and that was it. I struggle with the decision on that. Part of me wants to be a mature adult and respond to some extent. Other part of me thinks I am a full who she is trying to use, and I should tell her to leave me be permanently. I guess so far I have been reasonably disciplined. No pining for her or anything relationship talk. But I still do not seem to posess the balls to block her entirely. Maybe the finality of it all is too hard for me to bear, idk....
  6. Yeah the dreams are brutal. At times we are together still in them. At time it makes up nonsense infidelity situations. I will wake up, realize the dream, try to distract myself. Get up to get a drink and reset. Heck, sometimes I will refuse to go back to sleep, being less rested is better than more dream suffering. 1- I would hold the see a future pretty low, probably less than 10% I suppose there is potential. She said that stuff to me back right after she broke up with me. To an extent I see why she meant it, as we have been long-distance for 6months, and in the future I suppose it's possible we could be together again. I would say very unlikely though. 2- Some truth I assume. Never felt in-love with anyone like this. I know rationally looking back, their are some serious issues with her as well. I suppose there are better women for me. However, she ticked so many boxes in what I want, I fear I won't find someone who ticks so many. Mostly she was my best-friend. I used to be hers to. But obviously she accepted she had to hurt me and change that for her own personal reasons. 3- I do not entirely understand. I was given some reasons, and I suppose I should take them for truth. I guess it is just more painful because the reasons given, that is not AT ALL how she acted prior to the break up. So it's clear to me she isn't being honest, or more likely she is now, but she was not the last month even weeks leading up to the breakup. 4- I mean I can reflect and I know there are some things I could have done better. But weirdly I do not feel like I made some major mistakes. I was who I am. What I feel is the most prudent, is that distance killed things. We lived together 2 years. and we were so happy in almost every way imaginable, except her career. She was not happy with her career, and I had to take the gamble to agree to let her pursue it, knowing this could happen. After living together for 2 years, we were long-distance for 6months, 1,000 miles away. Only seeing each-other 2-3 days a month tops. Honestly, that hurts the romance, passion, sex life, etc. I know I got lonely, I am sure she did too. She is young, wanted to hike/adventure/explore Colorado. I am sure in a way she felt held back by it all. She also wants a family/kids in the not too distant future. It would be 6more months minimum until we could possible have been together again. So most likely over time I feel like we lost the luster a little. The romance and passion. I wanted to pursue it more, but it takes two to make it work. Am I open to reconcile? That's the million dollar question. My rational side says no, my heart says yes, with some adjustments. I know for sure we could not reconcile until down the road, in much better situations in life mentally and physical. I think it is highly unlikely to happen. A small part of me would like to. A lot of me I think misses what we were and what I thought she was. Although at least in the present, thinking of being with her again, I would have to totally rebuild trust, and it took me well over a year the first time to trust her in the beginning. I do talk to friends about it, but I feel like there is not much else to say. My one friend just had a baby, and I think he has more important things going on. My other friend talks with me about it, but honestly I am not sure what else there is to say. He says all the normal right things you would say to someone in my position. Yeah, I get a decent number of matches, but I am clearly not mentally ready. I would like to pursuit friendships with these ladies at least, but I am struggling the follow through with that even. Sucks because I feel painfully lonely, and the more alone I am the more I ruminate and think terrible things. BUT, when presented the option to change that, more or less I do not do it. It's like I am stuck in some awful limbo. It's terrible because she controls me to an extent even without doing anything.
  7. Not really sure what else to do. She had blocked me on Instagram before, and then recently texted me to apologize for blocking me and wanted to let me know she unblocked me…. I did NOT add her though, did not give her the vindication she wants. Nothing seems to be getting better though. I feel painfully depressed and alone. I attempted to get back onto dating sites, but I can quickly tell that I am not mentally with it. Had a few ladies want to meet up, but I am showing zero follow through. All I seem to do is crave to be back with my ex. I try to block It out, but I cannot stop the thoughts, especially when alone. The WORST part of it is the dreams. I cannot stop dreaming of her. It’s terrible. How the hell can I cope with that? I workout daily. I don’t really have anyone here to help me. And I am mentally too screwed up to meet anyone knew. It’s like even though not in really any contact or anything, my EX still inadvertently has power over me. People say to work on myself. But how else do I do that? Being alone, no motivation to meet anyone new. Working hard and working out hard. I feel like a burden so I rarely bring it up much to friends. I suffer mostly in silence. But everyone jsut tells me things like “I dodged a bullet” or “her loss”. But nobody seems to understand she’s all I want. All I painfully want but can’t have. Sadly I know it Bc even IF she wanted me back she likely wouldn’t tell me. And even IF she did, I know we cannot be together. Sure as heck right now in our lives. Likely not ever. Everyone seems to say the right things. The “If it’s meant to be” stuff. The things those who care about you say. Nobody ever thinks fighting for a relationship is the right then. To fight for what I want. And I suppose it’s right. but nothing seems to be getting better. Distance, new place, barely any contact at all…. And yet I don’t feel like I’m improving. If anything it feels worse. Especially when the dreams take its toll and but me in a depressed move from the jump. HEARTBREAK SUCKS.
  8. There is soo much more to it all. I would need a book to write everything. Her mom is a diagnosed narcissist for one. For two, she cuts off people who love her out of nowhere, all. the time. First husband, man she was engaged to before me, me, my mother/family, her own aunt and uncle, friends. I am sure you are thinking that she is just mentally strong and stands here ground. But honestly, MAYBE two of those above deserved it, maybe. This isn't because she ended it. It is precisely how she ended it and how she acted after. If she wants to get around with ppl after me, that is her prerogative. I think it's immature, beneath her (especially bc of what she supposedly preaches), but she is single so she can do whatever. To me, it seems like she is spiraling wildy out of control. She did this same sort of thing before her and I met, after she broke off her engagement. This was way back when we were friends. Back when I turned her down and didn't accept her initial advances as I too had just gotten out of a longterm relationship. She even warned me early on about how she easily develops some cold distant feeling out of nowhere for no reason, and she needs to run. She pre-predicted this. She also has said before that she sometimes fears she is a low-level sociopath. This is HER own words. She has a track record of wanting what she cannot have or what is hard to attain. Once she gets it, especially once she knows she has the admiration, she eventually gets bored and cuts that person off, doing it again to another victim. This isn't some cheap shot at her bc I am mad. I have listened to numerous experts talk about narcissistic personality disorder. I actually didn't want to believe it for awhile, if anything I wanted to be delusional and say "No! Not her, not my lovely GF". But when I step back from the admiration and love, and truly listen, she fits EVERY SINGLE marker of someone with this.
  9. I would love to get to that point. I am trying. Constantly reminding myself what I thought she was before was an illusion. It's so clear to me she is a narcissist and potentially even Bipolar. It's actually scary listening to trained professionals talk about it because she hits every marker. I am sure in time I will thank my lucky stars I got out before I did. But I guess because I am more of an empathetic person, and truly love her deeply, it's hard for me to see what she is or is becoming, of course helpless in the process, and now heart broken. Questioning if any of it was real, if it was a lie or act. Trying hard NOT to overthink things, especially the past.
  10. At least enough of a care as she continually does this. She even knows it, but yet won't seek help and continues to do it. All that happens is people like me try their best to help, and get steamrolled in the process. She is going thru her own personal hell, but I am more empathetic, so I cannot fathom being so terrible to everyone else in the process. But bc I am that way, I also still this woman like a dummy. What self worth must I lack, to be this way?! lol
  11. Screw that, what do you need a signed letter of agreement? If you did what you said, and she said what you said, you should not feel bad. It is not your fault she let loose and felt remorse. She should think twice next time about agreeing to things like that if she is going to feel so bad after.
  12. Update to say, nothing has changed. I still feel terrible about it all. After a little bit of time, ruminating over her, obsessing at her instagram, or her snapchat, or facebook photos like a wounded soul may do, I finally did what I needed to do. Which is that I laid it all out there, all the hurt I dished up to her. Everything she's done to me, expressed. Then I blocked her, on everything, zero communication. Still now I am questioning everything. If this person was ever real this whole time. If she has just changed. Why is she spiraling out of control? (Yes I know that shouldn't be my problem, but I love this woman even though I shouldn't anymore) There is nothing I could do to help her, so I will not even try. I know she's out and about, on Tinder and all that... I just know it because I know how she is. Nobody needs to tell me. Her roommate (who also got the hateful axe), she messaged me a long text about it all. Essentially telling me that my EX, when she told her that she broke up with me, she broke down sobbing. Cried, saying "Why do I push away all the people that love me?!" It's like she is some possessed person that now and then realizes what she's doing, but she gets sucked back in. That hurt to hear... In venting to me, the roommate accidentally disclosed in a slip up that my ex has had many different men around since breaking up with me. She quickly tried to backtrack that, but the word was out. My fears were already confirmed. I am being a broken, sad, alone wimp, who lost all his confidence, a huge piece to attracting new mates. She is out soaking up all the attention she can without a care in the world. And yet, mentally I cannot let go of this person,
  13. The thing of it is, she seems completely content with her decision. You would think she was planning this escape for months, but if so she wasn't showing it. I saw some warning signs, but for the most part things seemed good. She was very talkative, attention seeking, lovey dovey etc. One would think such a swift breakup like that, she would at least have second thoughts or doubts. With how swiftly and mercilessly she dumped me, you would think I cheated on her or abused her or something, very far from the case. Of course she didn't cut me off totally, she still texts me a little bit, but our conversations are very short and definitely not at all like they used to be. As juvenile as this sounds, I didn't even get breakup sex. I got a long embracing hug, then dumped the next day. I cannot decide if she is witholding her true feelings toward me for some reason (no way she just fell out of love in a day) or if she is really just at peace with the decision. It does not matter, and I am sure there is zero reason to even question why, but that's how the mind works.
  14. I think the worst part is there is no closure really. No real explanation, she half attempted to explain, but seems she does not even know. Not to mention, I get dumped via text. Doesn't have the nerve to do it in person or at least call me. 2.5 years and that's how I get dumped, a text. I really wish I could at least have some closure of why or what happened. Looking back on things, she was not at all portraying that she wanted to separate. With the things he was saying, and snapchats etc, in the weeks up to, even a week prior. I just do not buy she fell out of love with me. It makes me think there is more to it, but if there is apparently she is resigned to not talk about it.
  15. I do not disagree with you. I am two weeks away from moving to Arizona, with friends there, leaving this old life behind. It will certainly be easier when I am not alone 24/7, and sitting in "Our" apartment we got together and lived in for over a year. The maybe we will be together stuff, yeah I do not take much stock in that. I figure either she says that bc she feels bad and guilty, or she thinks I will stay on the hook. I do not plan on that. What will probably happen, is I will move, be around other people, and not talk to her. She will likely at some point realized she F'd up. I hope she does, I hope she chews on that mistake for the rest of her life lol.
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