PeaSoup

I'm curious what you mean. Are counselors able to help with this stuff? I don't know a lot about this subject to be honest. He's going to a therapist in a couple of days. Are they not able to help? I know it requires specialization, but am just wondering if there's been studies showing that this kind of stuff is beyond repair?

I agree completely, I wasn't going to take that suggestion. I want to stay out of this, as long as I know that he is working with a counselor and dealing with it. If he had no plans to do that then I might feel a moral obligation to talk to one of his parents for the safety of their grandkids, but he's dealing with this head on.

OK thanks. I think I am bringing more stress on myself by keeping asking how he could do this and if he felt bad and how much he thinks about it and has he ever been abused and I ask too many questions to try to figure it out. And it's not helping me. I can't focus and I can't get it out of my head and have awful dreams every night and wake up in pools of sweat. Fortunately we have separate bedrooms anyway because he snores.

Thank you. I keep bringing it up because I don't understand. It's definitely my bad. I keep asking and trying to figure it out. I'm just going to not mention it and ask him to just talk to his therapist because I know I am also obsessing and freaking out and it's not helping me. We are financially separate, and I have a lot of savings, so I'm OK on that front. I just have to figure out the lease. But good advice on making an exit plan with a therapist. I have one I talk to about depression and we have an appointment on Tuesday. He has an appointment with a therapist for Monday. I appreciate your message a lot.

Thank you. I asked him more and he told me he does seem incredibly remorseful and has been thinking about it at least a couple of times a week since it happened and he's been thinking about confessing for a long time, but believes she doesn't remember and didn't know what to do. He has had a lot of guilt because his sister is severely obese and he was always worried that her overeating problem may have stemmed from what he did. He was also scared of going to prison. He does not talk about it like she was willing. He says he tricked her and made it into a game. At the time he says he felt really bad but then she was laughing like it was a game so I think that's maybe how he justified doing it again? I don't know. He's also very confused about why he only did it to her but not his other sisters or kids he babysat or anything and never had any desire to. He said he saw documentaries where predators say not to tell and it always killed him because it reminded him of what he said. And he doesn't know where he came up with that part. But obviously he knew it was wrong then and now. He had an alcohol problem for a long time, the binge kind rather than the physical addiction kind, and quit around the pandemic starting, which was around when we started dating, though i knew him for a few years prior. I do think he may have been abused. He has very little memory of being younger than nine, which I have read is a frequent sign. One of his few memories is that throughout his life, his mother, who has undiganosed NPD according to him and his older sister, would wake him up crying in the night to talk to him about her problems, starting from as early as he can remember and all through high school. On schoolnights, as well. Her father beat her and I know called her a "***" many times when she was a teenager so I am wondering if it could have been either from her or from his grandfather. It's hard to believe a mom would do that, and part of me suspects that her father abused her sexually (I mean calling your daughter a *** is beyond the realms of even bad verbal abuse...it enters a different territory). I'm just really scared and feel like a bad person for still being in my apartment with him, and feel kind of berated by some of the comments here bcause I am not justifying his behavior, just trying to figure out how to keep myself safe. But I also have to work and secure a place and it's not as easy as just getting up and calling UHaul.

Thank you, I have parents in town I can go see, but I think that's a good idea. I'm paralysed with fear. I need to talk to a therapist. I need to figure out a way to do this asap that also keeps me and my possessions and my credit score safe. I'm scared.

That's what I mean. I don't want to go to his sister and mess her up more. I can't just suddenly block him, we live together and have an apartment contract together. I need to talk to a therapist.

I agree, though I would need to speak to a therapist trained in this kind of stuff before doing that to see if that's the best step forward. If she doesn't remember that could do more psychological damage and I'm not trained in or qualified to do this.

I'm so sorry you had that happen. So, so sorry. I hate these people who do this so much.

I guess i just remember hearing that girls were way more advanced at that age. I remember being 12 or 13 and trying cigarettes with some neighbor kids and an 8 year old came up and wanted to try and his brother who was my age thought no big deal and i was like "are you out of your mind, he's 8!?" So I dunno, I guess I just wonder if this can be reformed as it never happened again. To my knowledge.

Even if he did this when he was 12 or 13? Not justifying I have just never been a boy. I know as a girl this would have been absolutely unconscionable at that age but I don't know if boys are way less developed mentally. Again not trying to excuse just understand and get clarity as I am in a fog of just utter confusion and dismay

He is good with respecting my boundaries but not good at setting them for himself. His mom is a narcissist and always guilts him and all his siblings if they are not at her beck and call and he's trying to learn to say no. He is getting better. I don't feel uncomfortable around him, no. I don't want kids and I don't think he has attraction to kids. I tried to tell him if he did that's ok and he can get therapy around that issue rather than tell him he's evil or something. I told him some people have those thoughts and can get help but it's the acting on them that is the evil part. He said he does not, he's always actually been attracted to older women, doesn't even like porn with women who look under early 20s, and this was really not an attraction thing but taking advantage of someone who was small and vulnerable to see what it felt like. But three times and it was such a big age difference. It would have been more understandable if it didn't involve the level it did and they were a year apart, playing house, and younger. That happens I guess. But 12 or 13 . He was old enough to download porn and get an erection. I feel shocked and just shocked.

I do feel that he's remorseful and he's incredibly guilty this ever happened. He was already seeking therapy but now I think he needs a specialist. I agree about ending it, I'm not trying to defend him, but I do think he's remorseful...I just keep going back to how I was when I was 12-13 and I absolutely knew by then this was not ok...hell I don't remember ever knowing a time when this was not ok. I'm just in such utter shock right now. Like numb. I don't know what to do for my own mental health. I obviously can't medle, but need to do something to not go crazy.

TW graphic child abuse, this is a really hard post to read and write. I am numb. My bf of two years just came crying hysterically to me. He confided that he molested (his choice of words, I call it rape) his little sister when he was 12-13 and she was 3 or 4. It happened three times. Twice he got her to perform oral by saying his penis was a lollypop and the third time he penetrated with his finger using lotion. He told her if she told anyone that she would go to a dark place underground or something like that. He said she seemed like she thought it was just a game of some sort. The third time she went and told her 7-year-old sister he put lotion on her vagina which he denied and it never happened again. He knew it was wrong at the time but he thinks he semi justified it to himself since she was what he thought at the time was a "willing participant" His family don't know, he doesn't think his sister remembers this as he thinks she would have said something.This was 20 years ago. .(she's mid 20s now and we are in our 30s). I remained calm and comforted him and told him he needs to get a therapist asap as that's really something that requires help. He may have also been abused himself as he doesn't have much of a memory before age 9 of anything, but he doesn't know. He also may have just come up with this on his own. He said he got the idea after watching porn on the internet and wanting to try what he saw. It's established that he needs help. But I need help. I don't know what to do. I remained calm but I really hate him right now. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should stay with him. I was already upset with him for lying about some things about his past (mostly that he had cheated on his last partner) and one thing pertinent to us (that he had lied to me about being tested for stds before we had sex...he has since tested clear). This came out because he was deciding to come clean with everything. I am the only person he has ever told. But now I don't know what to do or how to take care of myself. It's triggering because I was "date raped" (I put that in quotes because my date was 26 and I was 15 so it's more than that) and I have done the work, but still hate abusers passionately. Or whether I should ask him to not talk to me about it anymore. Has anyone been in this situation? I just need a hug and some help on what I can do or should do. Thanks.