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JimStewart

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  1. You make good sense LaHermes. Given the current circumstances, unlike anything I've ever experienced before in a relationship or break-up, the Mom is fading fast in the rear view mirror. Now its just a matter of coming to terms with who or what my now ex GF is. Friends who know the situation well state "obvious narcissistic gold-digger." Regardless, my feelings were real so its just a matter of time to heal and move on. Time for my heart to come back in line with my brain. Ultimately you are likely correct that this was a blessing in disguise. Thank you.
  2. I think this is a natural part of the closure process. Perhaps if you recall from my original posts, the Mother's excuse for going beyond her one week stay in LA and changing her plane ticket was she claimed she might have to travel to Indianapolis for work (this is the corporate headquarters for the company she works for while she lives and works in Moscow). Now, this made no sense to me from the outset, but now, over two weeks later, that representation was clearly false. As one Russian friend told me, you can't believe anything this person says. The fact is the more time progresses, the more the unhealthy dysfunction of my former GF and her mother is revealed. As noted, the mother has a 14 year old son who has not seen his mother in three weeks now going on one month. Her husband has not seen his wife for three weeks going on a month. Sorry, but in my book that is not being a good mom or a good wife. My Ex-GF who is 30 something and without a car has now been living in her studio apartment and sleeping with her mother in her little twin bed for three weeks and now going on a month. (Also odd the mother/daughter haven't even rented a car as cars are pretty much a necessity in LA). I grew up with a brother and sisters and of course a mom and a dad. I have had many friends, including Russians who moved to the U.S. so the more time that passes, the more the dysfunction is revealed, the better off I realize I am by escaping that family before I invested even more of my time. And I agree with you. She dropped me like a hot potato....and over really nothing. Her BF before me cheated on her with her friend and yet with him she refused to acknowledge he cheated on her (despite him posting proof on instagram) and states she was severely depressed after that break up. Yet with me she she had no problem walking away from our relationship and not looking back. That she had the ability to be that way only serves to underscore her dysfunction to me, and again, makes closure that much more obtainable.
  3. This is really great advice as I've seen and now experienced the ramifications of dating a person from a significantly dysfunctional family. Absent therapy or some other corrective actions, the person from a significantly dysfunctional can logically be expected to be dysfunctional. Thank you.
  4. Thank you for your comments. I'd note this was my business. My then GF had her foot stung by a bee before her Mother arrived and we (GF and I) were dealing with it together. The morning of the incident my GF and I were texting and on the phone, and the TM show her reaching out to me, notwithstanding her mother being in her apartment, complaining about the pain in her foot and how she wanted to go to the ER and my stating I would take a look at her foot when I arrived at her apartment. I shared the TM with a friend who also happens to be Russian and she stated the messages showed the story exactly as I had told her. So this was my business. I am a realist and I have traveled more than most non-Russians to and in Russia and I have spent more time than most with Russians in Russia and in the U.S. This is not a cultural thing. This is a dysfunctional family thing. By the way, flights between Moscow and LA can be had for under $800 round trip so expense is not an issue, particularly where the mother is not renting a car nor paying for a hotel. The mother who claims to be a doctor. I can tell you growing up as a child my Mother never left me or my siblings for three weeks to go hang out in LA. I can't imagine my siblings and my father being without my Mother so she can have fun in some far away city. My GF is 30 something while her brother back home in Moscow is just 14 and soon it will be a month that his Mom has been away from home. Sorry, in my book, that's not normal. I have observed both, the now ex GF and the mother, and there is a definite dysfunctional co-dependency. Another friend familiar with them remarked there was definitely a dysfunctional co-dependency. She noted the complexity as the Mother was the enabler of the physically/sexually abusive alcoholic father. She states the mother saw me as a threat to her control over her daughter and she manipulated my GF to push me out of the picture.
  5. I hear what you're saying, but this went beyond that. I have worked in Russia. I managed famous talent in Russia where we were on numerous TV shows, performed at major events, etc. So I am probably more familiar with Russians than most non-Russians. Moreover, my prior GF, who I dated on and off for years, and who I spent many hours with her parents, was also Russian. We spent countless hours together, for example, going on roadtrips to Las Vegas, San Fransisco, as well as holiday, etc., and I got along great with her parents! In fact, I have gotten along with all of my Ex's parents. The mother had my GF very young so she is that much older than me and I have a doctorate degree, so not like a teenager trying to school an elder here. The key point at this point is my GF showed so little fortitude or loyalty to me or to our relationship. I get what people say about a person's Mom, but on the other hand, I know MANY people who have gone against their parents wishes regarding who they date, who they marry, etc. Life (and the movies) would be pretty boring if every adult child did exactly what their parents wanted them to do. Being an adult means learning to have a mind of one's own. A 30 year old woman, who says she wants to get married and have kids in the next few years, should not act like a child. I believe a person who is mature, independent and psychologically healthy knows when and where to assert her independence, and if you are serious about building a life and a new family with a man, then you should have the ability to stand up to your Mom. I have noticed the mother plays the victim like my GF would frequently do so I see the pattern. My father made a good point: Rather than be manipulated by the Mother (who after I stated we should put petroleum jelly on my GF's foot to avoid irritation during a 5 mile hike that she would not get in the car with me), he asked why me and my GF did not leave and go on the hike. Would we let a spoiled child ruin the day and manipulate people? No, of course not. So why let a grown woman act like a child having a temper tantrum and manipulate the circumstances. Here is where by GF was acting like a little girl. She should have taken control of the situation and said we are going on the hike. She was in a position to moderate and be an adult. I was her BF and the other person was her Mother. She had the position and power to sway both sides. But rather than do that, she cowered and supported her Mother, despite her mother being wrong. The other reality is the Mother is still here in LA now on three weeks. Growing up as a child my mother never left me for 3 weeks. Here, the Mother is not on some work assignment. She is choosing to extend her stay and not see her 14 year old son or her husband. I saw this person first hand and I saw how my GF acted around her and both were unhealthy. I also think back to the basic premise of "dysfunctional', i.e., whether a person can maintain significant relationships and whether they are productive in their work or school. Now as my former GF is in her 30s and has yet to establish her career, or for that matter, actually really decide upon one, and she has told me of her prior turbulent relationships, while I am hurt I cannot say logically I should be surprised by these events. To the contrary, they are consistent with a person who has the characteristics I observed in my former GF, including a distinct lack of empathy. Like many romantic relationships, losing something you had is painful, regardless of what the head thinks and knows and regardless of whether the person had the capacity to forge a long-term healthy relationship. The head and the heart are not the same and having one's heart hurt is painful, notwithstanding the brain's understandings.
  6. I agree and note further to your "eventually" the mother would go home. The mother was supposed to be hear in LA for one week. After all, she has a 14 year old son and a husband and a job waiting for her in Moscow. Nevertheless, she is now here three weeks with she and my now Ex-girlfriend living in a studio apartment and sleeping in a twin bed together. The argument, which should have just been an argument if that at all, was the necessary fodder for the Mother to use to poison whatever relationship my now ex and I did have. What's interesting to me is that even before we dated I commented how she behaved like a candle in the wind and their codependency has only become that much more apparent to me these past 2-3 weeks. What a rude awakening this experience was. C'est la vie.
  7. That's actually an interesting point. During my relationship my GF was rather physical. For example, she would hit me at times on multiple occasions and I'm not talking little love taps. Each time she did I would politely ask her not to do that. I am the opposite. When my parents hit me as a child I swore I would never hit my children and certainly never hit a girl and I had two sisters. She did it so reflexively it seemed to me like this was a behavior learned from childhood. I even told her I thought this, but she kept on doing it as thought it really was reflexive for her. I asked her if she would do this to our children if we had kids.
  8. Hello. Tinydance and thank you for your thoughts and insight. I do know what you mean as I had previously worked in Moscow and Novgorod where I met many Russians. I managed a recording artist there and spent time with her and her Mother and sister at their summer house. In addition, I dated a girl from Russia for a number of years. Her parents would come to LA and stay with her for months at a time and we all got along great! We did road trips to San Francisco, Las Vegas, San Diego, etc. We spent holidays together and had countless meals together. I even got the father a job while they were here in LA! So I have probably more experience then most when it comes to the cultural differences. But this was so off the reservation. Your Mom sounds charming as were my prior girlfriend’s parents. I wasn’t trying to prove her mom wrong about everything. With the eggs, her mother asserted her point. I did not try and prove her wrong. I stated I believed chickens lay eggs fertilized or not, but then I stated, “I’m not certain so I’ll look it up.” So I did what any fact-checker does, I Googled it. At the time, it was simply (I thought) a good natured discussion. She has told me how her mother failed to intervene to protect her as a child when her father was physically violent or sexually inappropriate/abusive. I do believe you are correct that she is close to her mother because her relationship with her father is still lukewarm at best as they still seem to have unresolved issues. From what I’ve read, their relationship seems co-dependent and with my GF seeking her Mother’s approval. Her family was apparently very critical of her as she was a child growing up and now in adult life what I’ve seen is her wanting to “become a popstar” and to become “Famous” to prove her worthiness. What you say about people in Russia are to “really respect and value your elders” may factor in as well. Call me crazy though, if a person, regardless of who they are, is rude and disrespectful, the person who they are being rude and disrespectful to has a right to stand up for themselves and not be disrespected and treated rudely. Perhaps it is a cultural thing but being okay with being treated rudely or being okay with being disrespected is not a good thing and not okay in my book nor was that how I was raised by my parents. I was raised to stand up for my rights (and for the rights of others). I do agree with your point and if only I had a time machine, when you say: “The mother was only visiting and she was going to go home eventually. So really who cares what she thought but you were trying too hard to fight with her. In a sense you should have just bitten your tongue and nodded and smiled.” You are so right! That is exactly what I should have done. (On the other hand, what if three years into my relationship a similar situation arose and my GF was my wife who acted the same way all over again? Was it good to see this now?......... I don’t know. Life would have been simpler had I done what you suggest…that’s for sure!) As for how things are in Russia, there is a very old expression and it goes like this: “When in Rome do as the Romans do.” This expression goes back over 1600 years! I know when I travel to Russia, China or other places where the culture is very different, I do not act as though I am in the US or Europe. I would have hoped people living in the USA for years (like my GF) would be able to understand this and she could have intervened and explained this to either her Mother or me or both of us. At the end of the day, the Mother was here on American soil. Also, I offended the Mother BEFORE I even Googled the point of putting Vaseline on one’s foot before a long hike to avoid irritation (particularly where my GF wants to go to the ER because her foot is irritated from the Bee sting). I first offended the Mother when I stated to my GF that I would look at her foot… and then over the Mother’s objection I still looked at her foot. Literally, that was what offended her! After looking at her foot and then stating we should put Vaseline on her foot, well that was just the straw that pushed the mother into overdrive at that point. She did not want me to look at the foot, told me not to look at it, and I did look at it. That mean I did not respect her in her mind. Then, after she looked at it…and apparently said it was fine, here I was stating (correctly) we should apply Vaseline to the irritated area. This remedial measure that I proposed is what caused her to say, “He doesn’t respect me. I am not getting in a car with him and I am not going anywhere with him.” I googled the application of the Vaseline only after the mother said this to show this was in fact in my GF’s best interest and supported by a Podiatrist’s website. I have lived enough to know when someone is behaving outside the realm of normalcy and that is exactly what I witnessed first-hand. As to your other point: “Her mother didn't approve of you and maybe she wasn't as into you as you thought she was either”, again, you may very well be correct. Either way, at the end of the day, a man-woman relationship requires a couple where each has each other’s back. Where each is supportive of the other. What I saw from the Mother was extremely unhealthy and inappropriate behavior from an adult, and the dynamic I witnessed between the mother and daughter was entirely consistent with the stories my GF told me about her troubled childhood (where she went so far as cutting herself) and adult issues prior to her Mother’s arrival.
  9. Actually, I am not "arguing" and telling people they "dont' understand" when they take a perspective. What I have noted is when a follow-up poster was mistaken as to the underlying facts that set forth in the opening post. That's all and you can compare what I wrote in the OP to the points I endeavored to correct.
  10. Hello. I still think you have a mistaken impression of what transpired so please let me explain further so perhaps you have a better understanding of the situation. First, this plan to go on the hike was not my idea. It was my GF’s idea and she was adamant that she wanted to go. She had made her mind up. She stated repeatedly she wanted her mother to see the waterfall and that “this trip is for my Mom.” I had nothing to do with creating this “travel itinerary” as you say. Second, the mother had not taken care of it. It was I who suggested putting the Vaseline on per my running/hiking experience and per the Podiatrist website. The mother had taken no corrective / remedial measures for my GF’s foot before we were about to leave for the 5 mile hike. Significantly, an hour before I arrived at my GF’s apartment, my GF had called me stating her foot hurt and she wanted to go to the ER. I said we should not go on the hike if her foot hurt that badly but she said she wanted to do the hike and would go to the ER or Urgent care after the hike. So clearly whatever the mother was or was not doing, had my GF calling me that morning saying she wanted me to take her to a doctor. It was with this understanding, that my GF wanted me to take her to the doctor following the hike, that I arrived at her place and wanted to see her foot and put Vaseline on if that would make the hike less painful for her.
  11. Thank you LaHermes. This is a big eye opening learning experience. Thank you for your advice.
  12. Thank you LaHermes. Your first post here was very helpful on all points. I really appreciate you taking the time to discuss this and share with me your insight. (Your other posts have been helpful as well.) Truly appreciated.
  13. Hello and thank you for your comments. I think you may have misunderstood a couple of points. I did not insert myself into their plans. It was the opposite. My GF wanted to take her mother on a hike that was about an hour from my home (45 minutes from my GF's home) and so my GF asked me to come, to be part of the experience, but also because I have a car and she does not and the mother did not rent one upon her arrival. I did not insert myself, my GF inserted me into the plans. As for the Vaseline, that was my suggestion when my GF said her foot hurt from the bee sting irrigation. The suggestion was based years of running and hiking where hikers/runners use vaseline to avoid skin irritation and supported by Podiatrist website advise. The goal was to help my GF who was about to embark on a 4.5-5.0 mile hike with a bad foot and this was after my GF asked for my help regarding her foot earlier that same morning.
  14. Hello and thank you for your comments. I will share with you this was not coming from a place of lack of confidence. I went shopping for my GF for a couple of reasons. First, she does not have a car so large shopping trips are more difficult for her. Second, due to Covid 19 she did not work for a year and her financial resources were stretched. Third, I love her and wanted to help make her life easier as I was already at Costco and I thought about her. And she did thank me stating she had been stressing about stocking up on food before her mother arrived. I wanted to help her with her career just as I would want to help any GF with their career if I could, regardless of the nature of the career. I did not want accolades. What I did not want was to be treated rudely and disrespectfully by her mother and then when I tried to defend myself for my GF to act as though I was the one who initiated the rude and disrespectful behavior. You are correct. This is very disappointing. I invested six months into the relationship and developed strong feelings for this woman as we spent so much time together building memories, and to watch it disintegrate almost instantly is heartbreaking.
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