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  1. Hi everyone, hope you're all having a great day. Well, I have never quite investigated or properly put my thoughts into words about this so I'm going to try my best, sorry if it's too long or confusing. I'm basically constantly in conflict of what I want, most of the time I'm completely fine by myself and can't be bothered, then the next day I want to make friends, cycle repeats. Then again I mostly limit my interactions online as I moved a while ago and I really don't want to get to know the places around with covid and all, besides I think that's beyond the point since this also happened while I had irl friends anyway. Okay so, with both online and irl friendships (not interested in romantic relationships at all) I always start with this huge energy boost where we constantly talk with each other, message each other, talk about lots of stuff like hobbies, favorite movies, music, all that stuff and it's great! Honestly I do love getting to know people, it's heartwarming. Here's the thing tho, it's like this is a separate version of myself, I often find myself wishing to be back to the "regular" which is minding my own business by myself. Let me try to explain as best as I can. My personality has changed a lot through the years, mostly after learning actual value of friendships, ditching toxic people and overall figuring things out and growing up. Last 7 or 8 years have been a self improvement path that I'm quite proud of, but this is basically what hasn't changed. I fluctuate a lot between wanting to make friends (and actually trying) and minding my own business with zero things bothering me. I think I can't find a balance between both, sooner or later talking and keeping up with friends becomes a huge chore that quite honestly annoys me and often have to retreat into my "selfish self" for a while without any explanation. Legit writing even a short text or giving any explanation, or coming up with one feels like an impossible task even tho I can be working my butt off at the same time, it feels like a huge energy drain to keep up with friends sometimes and it makes me feel stressed and sometimes it combines with stress from work or being tired and my willingness to work out that friendship becomes impossible to deal with. I don't really know why I'm like this, I'm just curious, really. I'd like to find a proper balance and keep friendships for longer, I want I avoid forgetting to reply or even ghosting people accidentally or purposefully. Don't get me wrong I do actually like talking and getting to know people a lot, even tho I'm an introvert I managed to improve this a lot, and still, at some point I just no longer have the energy to keep up. Combined to this, I may also be VERY picky with what kind of people I want to be friends with, I usually avoid A LOT of people with what I consider lame or toxic behaviours, I think I judge lot but never have to say it because I simply don't chase anything with these people, it's simple. I usually avoid people that are overly toxic and loud, people that only wait their paycheck desperately so they can get drunk every week, people who just call you when they need you, and overall just people that don't seem interested in a stronger sense of friendship like I do. It's fine, we all can choose right? I mean maybe my personality might be unlikable to other people too, but what I find most attractive in people is their personality so it's a huge deal for me, and I know being picky and so indecisive about wanting to make friends aren't exactly good personality traits. I do get complimented a lot, my nowadays me is nothing like before! But I have yet another issue on top of the stated above. I also feel like often friendships go nowhere, they eventually turn into boring chit chat everytime or meaningless conversations, not sure if there's someone at fault here o just think it happens naturally but don't know why. Lastly, maybe my expectations or idea or friendship are flawed or unrealistic? Maybe I don't know. If I'm being honest, I don't think I've had a real friend yet, and I just turned 25. I've lost friends or ended friendships mostly when the other person betrays me or something, if there's something I'm good at when dealing with people is dropping my interest, ghosting or ending the friendship very efficiently and with zero remorse or second thoughts really, when people use me or betray me I just no longer feel anything towards them and lose all interest, also I'm too tired after work to involve into any drama haha! I know MBTI might be silly to a lot and to be honest it kinda is to me now, but if it helps as any insight, I'm INTJ. Sorry if this was a bit long and confusing, like I said before I wasn't very sure how to write down se thoughts into words properly. I'm just wondering if this is at least somewhat common or known, I'm very good at many things but at this type of stuff I'm clueless!
  2. First time poster so be gentle! Been in this relationship for just under 4 years and we were committed to each other bought a fixer-upper house 6 months ago, moved closer to his parents and attended his sister's wedding as a couple. We have been talking marriage and engagement rings and had even started looking at where we'd like to settle down in the next 5 years Days after the wedding he gets FOMO of the travelling that people a couple of years older then him have done and how he feels like he is unhappy in life and trapped in the situation. Also distressed over personal issues - friends and family illness. We talk and make steps to travel more and complete the house ASAP to give him the freedom he wants. Days later he wakes up and says were incompatible and on different paths. To explain I'm studying and working so am pretty busy beyond a 9-5 but I've always included him in these decisions, and was also in the process of moving to a less demanding job. But rather than tell me how much this is affecting him and that he doesn't feel prioritised he allowed me to go ok thinking he was ok with it all. Anyway I leave that morning, no argument just go. Three weeks on I'm getting all sorts of mixed signals - i.e. he still loves and misses me, he wants to reconnect in a year and see if we realign, he needs to find peace and not be in a relationship, but is keeping the personalised necklace he made me, wanting to be friends, not knowing what he wants in the future and understandably my head's spinning. I feel like he just got fed up of waiting for me which makes me feel awful because I never knew he was waiting. After making plans to sell the house as soon as possible, I'm terrified that I'm going to lose him, he won't come back or review his decision, and that this decision was basically made for me whilst I still love him and have been honestly heartbroken crying everyday and struggling to sleep. Having spoken to family and friends everyone is shocked and just as lost as to where his head is as I am, and my question is what do I do? I want him back I know that but I also know he has to go and figure out what he wants in life and probably speak to someone about his feelings. I just don't know what to do at the moment. Is this just something men go through? I don't understand how he went from being so excited to build a new life and home, to stressed and pushing me away in 6 months. To me he just seems so confused but I can't pressure any decision he makes which is hard when it impacts me and my life.
  3. Hi all, I'm confused I'll tell you my story: I (29) met a nice guy (33), polite, gentle, funny intelligent. We texted a lot and went out two times. We stayed outside because of Corona. He initiated everything, he pursued me and showed real interest (it was not toxic lovebombing). The following conversation was texting only: He asked me on a third date but because of the lockdown situation here, he invited me over to his place. He said it's just because of the lockdown, he would normally never ask this so early. I said it sounds so good, but I can not come to his place this early. I joked about there is still a tiny chance he could be a murderer. (It was just a joke..) I told him I am shy and I don't trust people fast, because the nicest guy can be a bad one and I made a bad experience in the past. He said he understands, but it gives him a bad feeling that I seem to be afraid or think he is not a good guy. He just wants to get to know me. I said sorry, I didn't want to sound harsh, it's just that I want to keep bad people outside my life, so I have some rules. I will not let people inside easily, especially because my life is a bit chaotic in Corona times. I said I am really interested in him and want to get to know him better. He said of course he understands and accepts my boundaries and he is happy to get to know me. I told him thank you and I like that he understands me. I asked about his day and plans for the week to overcome this "heavy" conversation. And then...nothing. No text, silence, he dropped of the earth for 3 days and still nothing. What's going on? Is this my fault for being so straight forward and honest about my fears? Was I too open and harsh, did I scare him away? I can not believe he ignores me after that 😞 We are adults, this shouldn't scare away a man, or does it?
  4. So with my husband we both struggle with addiction.😡 Due to are addiction we can't seem to get anywhere with each other it's completely ***ing frustrating. I feel like I've always pushed us to do better. I just don't know what to do anymore because any time I suggest something to him he will either agree and not do it or agree and do it when he feels like doing it basically. I need help on what you think I should do we are struggling badly with communicating, and with addiction he doesn't want to stop or he will and then boom it if no where he's right back to his addiction and we are right back where we have always been and I'm so tired of it idk how to get threw to him. What would you do if you were me?
  5. Here is a bit of background: I'm dating this guy, let's call him "C", for two months. I have some previous posts about him if anyone is interested. If you don't have time to read those, here is a brief background. We met on a paid dating website a few months ago. I'm 36 and he's 30 and we both rent and live alone. C used to work as a contractor at a few different schools as an IT tech for eight years but six months ago he got a job with a computer company assembling computers. He actually only moved out of home for the first time in his life six months ago as well. I left home when I was 23. We spoke online here and there and then video called and after that talked every day for a week and a bit. Basically all our relationship has either been in a very strict COVID lockdown where you're not allowed to leave the house except for food and medical, or just with a lot of COVID restrictions. I realise we haven't been dating long but I actually began to like C a lot right from the start and I know I've fallen in love with him. I have often felt bad anxiety at the start of relationships in the past but this time it's been much worse. I'm not sure if it's because of the trauma from my previous ex where I was engaged to him and planned the wedding, but he had bad mental health, anger and drug issues and he ruined everything. Also since COVID started I suffered quite badly mentally. I'm not trying to complain because I know it's been horrific for everyone. In my case, I'm a super social and outgoing person but because I live alone and my job was cancelled for six months, we had a six month very hard lockdown where you don't go out and I was alone 24/7. This was last year and as I live alone and no pets, it was just me. I spoke to my friends and family online and on video calls but the situation affected me horribly. I began to feel depressed and anxious, have insomnia and my drinking escalated. I do see a therapist and have continued my therapy with her but only in video calls the last 1.5 years. I felt anxious about dating C basically from the start but now the anxiety got worse. I want to mention also that is a really nice guy but he's not outgoing and he never really went out. His main hobby is video games and especially online gaming with his online friends. I think it was due to the fact he never really went out and was shy that he'd never dated anyone before me and he was a virgin at 30. I was a bit nervous about that aspect at first but it turned out to be no problem, especially not sexually. Everything has been fine there lol Anyway due to the lockdown and nothing else going on I've basically been at C's place all the time. He really wants me to be here all the time. Maybe normally I wouldn't be because I would be working more and seeing my friends and family. I haven't really been able to do that though and at times my shifts at work had been cut down. So I actually have nothing going on and I also much preferred to spend my time with C rather than be alone like last year. The law in my state is that in COVID quarantine you can't meet anyone, but you can be with your intimate partner. I had mentioned to C that I'm not really happy in the apartment/unit I live in. It actually belongs to my parents and it's not a bad place, but it's not great either. The units are old (built in the 60's) and there is very bad planning and acoustics. I share my bedroom wall with two neighbours and I literally hear everything. Especially the people sharing one wall are very loud. They stay up very late at night and they always slam their front door loud and my bedroom window is very close. I can't say anything to them because it's just really bad acoustics and not their fault as such. They're just talking and doing things in their own place, but I hear it all. Also all my street is is units and apartments and there are so many people and very crowded and loud. C said to me that I can move in with him and he mentioned it a few times. He's renting a very nice three bedroom house with a huge backyard. It's further out of the city but it's a quieter area and where he lives is especially really quiet and right next to a nice nature reserve. C also said he's going to get a dog and I also really love dogs. Anyway then began talking about all these things like me moving in and getting a dog and I began to think that maybe it's not such a bad idea. I completely realise it's too fast but being in and out of lockdown constantly just means I'm just sitting home alone. And I don't actually get much peace and quiet because of all the neighbours also being home 24/7 and it's very noisy. The issue is my anxiety has become very bad. I literally feel like paralysed with anxiety where my body just locks up. And I keep thinking paranoid thoughts a lot like that Chris isn't really into me as a person and that he just wanted to have any girlfriend because he's never had one before. And things like that he cares more about playing video games than me. Which actually logically doesn't seem true because he hasn't played video games all the time with me being over, but only some of the time. And I played some online games with my friends too. I realise gaming is his hobby and without lockdown I would pursue what I want too, such as go out with friends. I don't understand what's causing such strong anxiety but it's really taking over. I'm not sure if maybe I subconsciously don't really want to rush the relationship. But at the same time it's true that I don't want to stay in my apartment and I've actually been thinking that for the past couple of years. I was even considering moving out to the countryside because I wanted some peace and quiet and to rent an actual house with a garden. And maybe get a dog myself even. The past couple of weeks I've been feeling weird and confused about my relationship with C. I'm not sure if it's spending all our time just with each other due to COVID quarantine, but I'm starting to see some things about him that I'm not sure about. I think some posters here pointed out that C and I are very different. I think I'm starting to really see that. C told me that when he was about 13 years old, his father suspected he might have ADHD or something, so he had all these different testing done. Apparently they didn't find anything like ADHD or Autism Spectrum Disorder. But they did find that C has an auditory processing disorder. The way he explained it to me is that if he's out in public and there's background noise, he can't make out what people are saying to him that he's having a conversation with. He said it starts to make him annoyed that he can't "hear" people. What I've gathered is that all his life he very barely went out and him and his friends just spent time at home video gaming. He has only two real life friends and doesn't see them much because they're in serious relationships. The rest of the time he games all the time with some friends he's known for 10+ years, but never met them because they're online friends. Most of our relationship has been in very strict COVID lockdown, but a few weeks ago restrictions eased off. I said that it would be really nice to go on am actual date and to go to the local shopping centre/mall for a meal and maybe to see a movie at the cinema. So we went there and went to a couple of shops quickly but unfortunately it was really crowded everywhere due to lockdown having just eased off. I could see that C wasn't enjoying it and he said he was getting annoyed that he can't hear me. So I said we should leave but that I'd like to get a coffee just at the small local shops near his house. So we went there and I bought us the drinks and asked if I can try his milkshake. I only took one sip and suggested we sit down on a bench and enjoy our drinks. He said no, we need to leave because we had "things to do". We actually had nothing to do and the shops were quiet. Then C told me that he just gets over being at the shops and just wants to go. Don't get me wrong, I know he's a guy and I don't expect him to go on a shopping spree or something. I just thought it'd be nice to go on a date, or go SOMEWHERE and I was pretty disappointed. This kind of thing also happened another time when we tried to go to the shops for me to get a takeaway coffee. Another thing is that early on in dating, C asked me if I'd like to meet his Mum and his best friend and best friend's girlfriend, so I did and I spent a lot of time with them. Due to lockdown I've been playing online video games with my friends. I asked C every time if he'd like to join us, and he always declined. But yet he has asked me if I'd play online games with him and his online friends and I said that I would. That made me feel like he doesn't want to make any effort to be part of my life, even though he actually loves online gaming. He also said to me that he wouldn't want to go to any parties or events with me, but that he thinks it's really important for us to still have our friends and that I should see my friends. C said to me that he used to have really bad insomnia and he would get very irritable, but now the insomnia is better. Last week C was in a horrible mood all week and grumpy and snappy and would just shut down. The back story is that he used to work for an electronics company casually for eight years as an IT support tech in schools. That company treated him really bad and he wanted a full-time job. So six months ago he got a job with a computer company where he assembles computers from scratch. From everything he's told me, they really underpay the staff. He said that when he was getting the job, the old manager there said he'd been on three months' probation but after that he'd get a "good" pay rise. So ever since I'd been dating him he kept talking about that pay rise. He was annoyed because it turned out to be probation was actually six months, not three. He was also on bare minimum legal wage, only $21 per hour. Last week C began to act irritable even before he'd found anything out about the pay rise. Then it turned out the pay rise was only $23 per hour. He was not moved up to a higher pay tier because he wasn't meeting the company's KPI's in regards to how many computers he made. He'd already been telling me that he's struggling financially and starting to run out of savings. So all of last week after he'd found out about the pay rise thing, he'd been acting moody, irritable, snappy and short with me. I was trying to be supportive but he was very closed off and unfriendly. He said he wasn't trying to do it deliberately and he didn't mean it, but yet continued to act like this. The thing was that this may sound bad, but I didn't really feel sorry for him. The reason being is that he'd been at that company for six months and he'd never actually asked at any point how much the pay rise actually was. The company didn't actually lie to him because they said after six months he'd get a pay rise, which he did. And to be fair I only get a $1 or $2 pay rise PER YEAR, but I actually make $40 an hour. Another thing is that right from the start I'd noticed that C has something wrong with his memory. It's not completely bad but he often keeps telling me exactly the same things and the same stories and he doesn't seem to remember that he'd already told me all that before. It's even to the point where he told me a few times what his favourite movie is and if I'd seen it. I said I hadn't but he still asked me another few times if I'd seen it. One time we watched a movie and later he said to me: "This movie is good" but in a way like he was recommending it or something and almost sounded like he didn't remember that we'd watched it. I wasn't sure though if he really didn't remember or he was just commenting that the movie is good. He said insomnia makes his memory bad but this seems a bit extreme. Another thing is he really wants a dog and we're going to look at a dog tomorrow. On the animal shelter's website it said "adoption pending" because basically he told them he definitely wants to get this dog. It's his life but my only concern is that he'd already told me that he's struggling financially before, and this is WITHOUT supporting a large dog. He did apply for another well paid job but there's not a guarantee he'll actually get the job. I'm not sure how to feel about all this... I'm also really second guessing myself. I'm 36 and I've been in a few serious relationships but they were all only 1.5 - 2 years long. They were mostly all ended by me except one. I really want to get married and have a family and to be honest finding someone hadn't been going well. C wants marriage and kids too and he's talking about our future a lot. But I'm just not sure whether we're actually too different? I was just thinking that maybe him not wanting to go out isn't a big issue because I'm older now and I don't really want to go to parties and bars and things like that anyway. I am VERY outgoing though and I love going on dates, like dinner, movies, events. I was also thinking that having kids involves responsibilities like taking them out to lots of places, kids' parties, dance classes, so on and so on. I'm worried that all that will fall solely to me because he can't handle/doesn't want to go out. Also I understand that you can't have everything in common with a partner and it's good to have your own life too. But is it too much of me to expect my partner to be more part of my life? Like to try to get to know my friends and go out with me to things at least sometimes?
  6. First of all i think I'll have to give a warning because this might be a heavy subject for someone. Hello everyone! Me and my bf are dating for one year (long distance) , everything was fine until yesterday. He came to my hometown to see me and everytime we see each other we have sexual intercourse. Yesterday I wasn't really feeling it, he gave me the signal that he wants to do something and I said "I'm not im the mood today" he said "okay" and after 5-10 minutes he started touching me even when i clearly stated that i didn't want to do anything sexual with him. He was grabbing me inappropriately and I just froze and didn't say anything at that very moment (that was my fault). He didn't go any further than that but it still felt wrong. After he went back home he started texting me and "joking" about how I didn't give him what he wanted, even if it really was a joke I was offended (he's that kind of guy that almost jokes about everything) I confronted him about it and told him that what he did was wrong. He told me that he didn't know that I felt that way and said that he was very sorry that he hurt me in that way, and that he'll never do that ever again. One part of me wants to forgive him because I still love him but the other part is still confused about the situation that happened. I really don't know how to feel right now, if anyone has advice i would be very happy to hear about it.
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