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SURPRISE

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About SURPRISE

  • Birthday 11/18/1969

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  1. By the way, it was enough for me too. I put her to bed and told her we would talk in the morning. I was fully prepared to separate the next morning but she woke up at 3 am ish and came down stairs apologizing profusely for everything she did and said and she kept saying that she will do whatever she needs to do to get better. She said that I don't deserve this, she doesn't deserve me and if I left she would understand. That is the only reason I stayed at that point.
  2. No, this all just happened. She has been through rehab before and AA so she knows what she has to do. She has been through counseling before and we have not talked about that again. I'm less concerned about that because it's obvious to me that when she's mean to me when she's drunk and no one else, and when she reacts to me but her friends could say the same things without a reaction, that she is only angry with me because I am keeping her from having fun and drinking what she wants. It's all a far cry different sober though because she understands the pain it causes. The reality is that we are going to have a fully dry and drug free home now and our friends and family (including our boys) all have to know about this so she can't drink if we go to their homes or events etc. She has be sober and has suggested that I test her daily to know that she is staying sober with her knowledge from rehab and commitment to change. If she can manage it that way, that's fine, but if there are any more problems, she has to go to rehab or move out. She is fine with all of that too because she doesn't want to hurt us or be a burden. That is the plan and I can only just watch and see how it plays out. She has the tools, it's now time to see if she can apply them or needs more additional help to do so. Thank you again.
  3. Thank you. She is embarrassed and upset by her behavior even with just me knowing. If there was no remorse, I would have been gone already. How she treats us and her sweetness is why it's worth trying to work things out, but that is only if she does it. I'm a realist so I am well aware that sometimes love is not enough and we have to move on. I also know that she is extremely rare so I'm not willing to give up without having using everything I can to try to help her as long as she is doing something about it. Also, I have never condoned any of her drinking problems ever and we have fought over them only when she's been drinking because she knows she's wrong when she's sober. Never a denial, early on more of a want to and why should I not be able to, but now she sees that it's hurting our marriage and family and just wants to get better. I hope she can change this around but am fully prepared for things if she does not.
  4. I know, but there is so much more there then I can put down in an already long rant. It's because of the mental abuse and increased frequency that this is all coming to a head. She can move in to one of our other properties if this doesn't work although she would want to be close to the kids so it would likely end up being with a friend for now. You're right, I can't let this put my health at risk and I just found out that it was so that is why I am making changes now. She has never denied there is a problem and she acknowledges that it has gotten a lot worse. She knows she has to get better or get out so she says she is willing to do anything. I will continue to give her a chance as long as she either gets better or moves out. In the meantime, she can not do anything that jeopardizes any of us or she has to go. I believe she she can do it. She went through rehab about 10 years the first time it got bad and did very well for many years with little stuff here and there but happy and no major issues for a long time. We'll see what she does. I am only here to try to get insight from what others have experienced although each situation is different. Thank you for your feedback!
  5. I have always had alcohol in the house as did my parents growing up and we had no issues. My wife and I have generally hosted large BBQ parties in the summer every week and all of our friends drink in moderation for the most part. Remember weed is legal here in CA although I have never been in to that stuff even through my band years when members were in to all kinds of drugs back in the 80's and 90's when we were playing the LA and Hollywood circuits. I really didn't drink much then either. Either way, I just recently bought some CBD gummies from a store with her thinking that it might be a better solution replacing the occasional glass of wine because of both pain and because of her being hard to deal with when she drinks too much. I also keep everything locked up because of past issues which has helped out. The only time she has drinking issues, it's because she went out and bought something somewhere. Everyone's circumstances are different. Our social life is based around everyone getting together for some good food and drinks. I have tried to make it less likely for her to have a problem during every day life, but now it's not working and I have to make changes so she can succeed or move out.
  6. I guess you'd have to know her to understand. She is the kindest sweetest person when alcohol is not involved so that's something worth fighting for within reason of course. If I could think of the perfect wife, she is pretty close which has basically been a unicorn in my pretty vast dating and past marriage experience. When she gets drunk, she is one of those people that don't remember everything and that is why the cheating happened. I was not there as it was a girls Vegas trip and her ex-friends were not looking out for her. She has spent the last 10 years making up for it as well with constant compassion for my struggling through it and repeatedly apologizing because she feels horrible for what she put me through. There is a lot to each part of our past but I just tried to summarize what the alcohol part has put me through so people would have an idea where I am at. We have had bouts of the drinking issues before but nothing too consistent or concerning until recently. She went through rehab 10 years ago when things were bad and did pretty well after that for some time with little fall off the wagons here and there. That having been said, because of it getting worse, things are changing and nothing is acceptable. She has to manage this, get any necessary help or move out and she is fully aware of this and even agrees with it. I can only make sure we are all safe, I don't engage any stressful conversations and that things move in the right direction. I think getting it all out in the open is key right now. As long as my boys and I can manage while she works to get better, we will do so. If it comes down to her not putting in the work or keeping her promises to do anything to make it better, then she'll have to move out. This is all evolving on my end. 90% people here are cut and run recommenders, but each persons situation is different. People are quick to think I just have this girl on some kind of pedestal she doesn't deserve, but honestly, she earns it every day by her actions. She is literally selfless in every other part of our life and doesn't expect anything. Because of that, I spoil her constantly. She is an amazing mother and does everything for our boys and myself. This is why I am not quick to jump ship and why I am seeking to get others experiences at this time so I can navigate the road to recover or separation. One or the other will happen now. I have never had an issues with her denying there is a problem, just how bad it is at times so that is something positive to work with. Thank you again 🙂
  7. Thank you. I have come to realize that. The only thing I will do is test her regularly to keep her honest, not allow any alcohol in our home and she has to do the rest. If she can't manage it herself having already been through rehab and knowing the steps, then she needs to go to rehab again or move out. She agrees with this and is highly remorseful which is fine, but what I am watching is her actions. If she drinks and drives, I will have to separate to protect me and my sons. My boys are aware of what is going on so they can make sure not to get in a car with her if she has been drinking. They both seem to be able to see when she's been drinking pretty easily so I feel relatively confident that won't be an issue plus my oldest drives his own car everywhere.
  8. Thank you, I plan to. I know that talking with others in the same situation is knowledge which is what I need so I see all variables and possibilities based on my choices on how to handle this all.
  9. I have not really denied it, I have just tried to work with her to try to maintain some sort of normalcy and she's getting out of hand again. I am one who understands the relaxation of a drink after work and kicking back so I didn't want to fully take that off the table. I believe she will have to deal with a lot of issues being unhappy with no "escape" so to say. I am fully aware that things have to change and have sat down with her to go over everything so she knows we can't continue this way. The bottom line is that none of this is acceptable and she has to do what it takes or move out. She understands and agrees with what I am saying. Now I have to see what she does about it.
  10. Thank you for your feedback. She is willing to do anything so we'll see how it goes. We need to make big lifestyle changes that will affect us drastically socially so it's going to be challenging. She is a selfless person when not drinking. I can't think of anyone who has a better relationship then we do aside from the alcohol problem, so that is in reality what I am fighting for. I've been married before, dated hundreds of women and she is unique in so many ways. I guess that's why I have always accepted that everything is not 100% perfect with this flaw. In any event, I am going to see how she handles everything moving forward and she has no problem with me giving her a regular breathalyzer test to keep her honest. If she can't manage it on her own, then she will either have to go to rehab or find somewhere else to live until she gets her act together. You're right, I need to change too and protect my health as well. I will not go back to how things have been so I fell that I am moving in the right direction. I am praying she is being honest with both me and herself moving forward. Thanks again.
  11. Thank you. I know something has to drastically change. She is saying she will do anything it takes so we will see how it goes now.
  12. I get that. I can tell things are different and I'm just trying to get my bearings ans make good decisions for us all. Thank you.
  13. She does have pain but I'm sure you're right, she needs something and I need to make our home a non alchemist hol or THC place.
  14. I know when I wrote it all down it kinda sunk in because I try to deal with one day at a time. She really is amazing and then the alcohol hits and she's horrible. It's been here and there that I've caught her drunk and so now it's been 3 times in 6 days that I know of and she has been mean 2 out of the 3. Tonight she started to argue and I would not go further and she went to bed. I need to sit down with her and see if she's willing to go to rehab again and go from there. Thank you for taking the time to both read and reply.
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