Im 18F, bf 19M, and we are about to hit 7 months of dating. Background, we met online and he was and still is one of the sweetest best guys I’ve ever dated. My only issue is for the past few months he’s lost motivation(and ability to contribute to the relationship). His original after high school plan failed by no fault of his own and since then he hasn’t been the same.
When we met, he woke up at 8am to 9am, studied a few hours for his exams, and was sweet to me over the phone every night etc. He was extremely caring towards me. He would get worried when I was sick etc. He wrote me poetry and was always sympathetic of my bad days and sicknesses. He brought me snacks every time we hung out. He was excited to call me and would drop whatever he was doing most of the time.
NOW, he usually wakes up around noon, plays video games for most of the day, or hangs out with his mom. I convinced him to start taking an online course in his subject of interest and to apply to college. He did both, after a long time of procrastinating and is happy he did it. I helped him a lot with his essay and application.
Another issue is he’s broke. He applies to min wage jobs pretty religiously but doesn’t get accepted. I don’t mind him being broke for a while as long as he’s working toward not being broke. However, the other night I asked him if he could apply to a job (bc i really want to go back on dates) and he said he didn’t feel like it. I felt a little hurt like he didn’t really care or feel ashamed that he wasn’t even able to go on dates with me. I would have understood if he’d had a long day, but he didn’t do anything. It’s not like he NEVER applies to jobs, but this conversation was a little disheartening. Plus min wage applications are super minimal.
Love and affection is also an issue. For example, last night I asked him if he could call me and distract me because I was having an allergic reaction to something I ate(very uncomfortable but not deadly). He said in a few mins, but then took about 15-20 mins. I asked him why he couldn’t call sooner, he said he was watching tennis with his mom. He doesn’t even like or understand tennis.
Back when we started dating issues seemed a lot easier to solve. Back then, I told him he needed to plan more dates and he planned us a really fun one in a week. More recently, at about 5 months, I asked him to plan me a date because it was his turn and I was really stressed in school. His response was he was stressed too. Even though it was a lame excuse I gave him two weeks. Still, nothing. I asked him again and he got upset with me, saying he forgot and I should have told him earlier. He said that his friends thought I was manipulative. I waited another two weeks and still no date.
At this point, it was our 6 months so I asked him if he had anything planned for our 6 month anniversary. It might seem dumb but it’s something cute that people my age celebrate. He said he’d been too stressed, but had thought of writing a poem. I asked him if he could still write it, now we’re almost at 7 months and nothing has been written. He did end up cooking me a meal for our 6 month anniversary after I reminded him yet again about the lack of dates etc. The food was really good but he was two hours late/arriving at 8(his mom asked him to run errands and it takes him a little more than an hour to get to my college). I wanted to go earlier but he said he couldn’t because his mom wasn’t able to help him cook. Kinda lame.
on another note, he also gets a super annoyed tone with me if I ask him to get off his game to call me or hangout over Videochat. Sometimes I get on the phone and he doesn’t say anything. During arguments over him not taking me on dates etc, he also gets a nasty tone or raises his voice and refuses to admit it’s his fault. He always says he wasn’t aware he was doing it.
before you say, why don’t you just plan a date? I’ve been the main person planning them since day 1. I’ve cooked him meals and bought art supplies for fun picnics. I’ve made reservations etc. At first I didn’t mind, but a few months in I decided I wanted him to share the responsibility especially since we share the costs of dates. Also, before you say that he’s too broke to plan a date. We live in a city with a lot of free parks museums and events that would be fun and satisfy my need to be taken out at least until he gets a job.
Am I asking for too much here? Do all relationships eventually come to this point? This is my first long term relationship and I’m completely oblivious and kind of scared about what to do. Am I justified in wanting to break up? Is it possible to ride it out at this point? I really thought he would get better after we talked things through but it’s impossible to reach him. He is improving slightly like I mentioned with the cooking me a meal, but overall, what do I do here?
Most of my friends have caring boyfriends who plan their dates and even some of them pay for their dates too. They all just started dating them though, so I’m not sure if all relationships end up in this weird lazy kind of thing Im in? I’m not ugly, I’ve been told I can be funny and I always have something to talk about. I really go above and beyond with cute dates little presents and all of the other fun parts of a relationship.
What should I do here? Am I an issue in this too? I really want to work things out because of how he treated me in the start
