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Thread: "We weren't official"

  1. #1

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    "We weren't official"

    I really need some help.

    Where do I begin...

    I am in a relationship with someone who I think is the one for me. I have honestly never met anyone more suited for me in my life. We met on Tinder by chance, I had just gone through one of the traumatic experiences in my life and in he comes like a knight in shining armour. I swore off men for life, even pictured myself with a hundred cats!

    Anyway 2 and a half years go by and I am still dealing with my traumatic time, it kept coming up and he was there for me. I was at the lowest I had ever been, had to get some help from the doctors to ease it. He has always been a private person, which naturally made me curious. He accidentally left his Facebook logged on my phone, BIG MISTAKE! I only looked at the time we were together, that's all I cared about. Anyway I find out that 2 months into us dating (by this point I had met his mum and he was set to meet my sister), he got someone round his house and slept with them.

    I went round to his house every single weekend after we first met. 4 days after my birthday I went to my works Christmas party which means that he planned for that to happen. I even rang him whilst she was there begging him to come and join me. He obviously made excuses just saying to enjoy myself.

    I have confronted him about this and he first response was "We weren't official", that was about 2 weeks before. I was very honest with him from the beginning, I said I don't want a one night stand, I want commitment or it's not for me. After what i'd been through I cut out the crap. He knew what happened to me and I just can't understand how my rock, my everything could be that person. He says it's because he was insecure and thought I was sleeping around with co-workers, with to me is a load of poo. He knew they were in relationships and I didn't want any of that.

    I don't know how to move on from here, he has apologised and says he regrets it. How do I move on from this? It's ruined the fairy-tale of our relationship and I look at him differently.

    I know this is me just rambling but I would really appreciate any advice.

    - R Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. How is your relationship overall? Good you are taking care of yourself and your health. It seems he is not who you thought he was and he used a technicality to explain this. Stop and reflect on things. Either you can get past it...or you can't.
    Originally Posted by Quaver
    Anyway 2 and a half years go by and I am still dealing with my traumatic time, it kept coming up and he was there for me. I was at the lowest I had ever been, had to get some help from the doctors to ease it.

    I find out that 2 months into us dating, he got someone round his house and slept with them.
    I have confronted him about this and he first response was "We weren't official", that was about 2 weeks before. he has apologised and says he regrets it.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Don't make any decisions when you are in a state of shock. When did you find this information?

    Give yourself a few days to think about it. You may have questions about who this person was and if this person is still in his life. Is she still a friend?

    Collect yourself and slow down.

    Your trauma is your trauma. This may sound a little cold and harsh but you'll have to get a grip on it and learn to manage your stress from the past. Are you seeing anyone? A therapist etc? It's not your partner's responsibility to make you feel better about yourself if you've been hurt before. Don't bring that into the relationship. It won't be a fairytale for long.

    I hope you gain some peace in the coming days.

    I'd encourage both of you to communicate and talk this out without accusations or without it getting heated. Cry and be upset if you need to but don't rant and rave or threaten break ups until you are really sure that you want nothing more to do with this.

  4. #4

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    Thank you, it's a really good relationship. I know it's difficult to balance the two. I want to be better for myself but I just don't need this to add to all of it. I am trying to give myself some time to come to terms with it. He has said that if I have any questions he'll answer if it eases my conscious.

    Thanks again for responding

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    If and when you ever decide to date again, you need to understand that there is no "knight in shining armour".You placed this man on a pedestal instead of being cautious and waiting to see if he was the real thing, or not. That can take several months.
    Next time, go slow and make sure you know who you're dating.

    Secondly, I personally would dump this guy. He slept with someone else while he was romancing you. There is no excuse in the world that makes that okay. He is not loyal and can veer off with another woman at anytime like that. It shows how deep his feelings run (or do not run). It doesn't matter if you were official or not, he knew better. And if he was so enamoured with you, he wouldn't be getting into bed with someone else.
    That alone is reason enough to walk away.

    But then he carries on and tries to put the blame on you for his bad behavior. And further more, tries to make you feel guilty by going on about being insecure.
    The truth is, he goes in the direction his nether bits tell him to and has low self control.
    You don't want a man like that. Trust me, it will get worse, not better.

  7. #6

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    Rose Mosse -

    Thanks for your response.

    I found out yesterday the full extent, I first learnt everything like a week ago.

    I know the girl has tried to get in contact with him a couple of times since they slept together but he just didn't respond.

    I understand that, it's just difficult to get a grip on it, I was seeing a counsellor through work a month back. I know, it doesn't help my situation, especially with my trust issues.

    Thanks very much, we've been in open communication and he's being honest about everything. Just wish it didn't happen tbh

  8. #7

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. How is your relationship overall? Good you are taking care of yourself and your health. It seems he is not who you thought he was and he used a technicality to explain this. Stop and reflect on things. Either you can get past it...or you can't.
    Thank you, it's a really good relationship. I know it's difficult to balance the two. I want to be better for myself but I just don't need this to add to all of it. I am trying to give myself some time to come to terms with it. He has said that if I have any questions he'll answer if it eases my conscious.

    Thanks again for responding

  9. #8
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Quaver, in my opinion, these are red flags. Don't dismiss them.

    If a guy really likes you and is crushing on you, he doesn't have sex with someone else. Not only does it say something about what kind of man he is, but it's insulting to think that you thought he was really into you and is sliding into bed with someone else right around the same time.

    This man sounds like he should have been kept as a friend but not a boyfriend. He couldn't have been feeling what you were if he could go and do what he did.
    Don't lower your expectations just because you're lonely or not sure. I doubt any woman would want their love story to start off with their man in bed with another woman at the start. *cringe*.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I am very sorry. This sounds excruciating and painful.

    I read and reread your original first post and for the life of me I can't see where he's being disrespectful to you after the fact (in the present time). I would be hurt too if I found out I was so gung ho about someone and then later on found out he didn't quite feel the same at the same time I did way back when.

    The honest truth is that people develop feelings over time and for others it may take longer. He said that he thought you were out with other colleagues. It appears both of you seemed to misunderstand each other at the start.

    I can't tell you whether breaking up is right or wrong but from the little that you have shared here (which I know can seem like a lot because it is so painful), it doesn't sound to me like this warrants a break up. It could be the last straw but this alone? Doesn't sit right with me. I'd be cautious about swinging so far and ending a relationship based on one indiscretion from way back then when things were still new. Will it hurt and sting for awhile, sure. I would have to think about what this person is to me now versus what that thing meant back then.

    Do you have any other issues in the relationship? Do you communicate well otherwise and work well together?

  11. #10
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    I'm curious as to why you had such a strong urge to delve so deeply into his personal Facebook account? (I mean, it's been 2.5 years, so you scrolled through 2.5 years worth of posts, messages and such?) Generally speaking, people do this due to lack of trust in their partner, either because their partner has already given them good reason not to trust them, or, because the person has deep-rooted trust issues.

    If your boyfriend has already given you good reason not to trust him (i.e. he lies to you, keeps secrets from you, engages in shady behavior) then he simply isn't the "knight in shining white armor" you so desperately want him to be. If he is untrustworthy, he is not relationship material. One giant red flag that I see in your post is that your boyfriend is giving you different explanations as to why he decided to sleep with someone else. The first explanation was that the two of you were not yet exclusive. The second explanation was that he felt insecure and believed you were sleeping around. A person who tells the truth will always be consistent, their story won't change. My guess is that your boyfriend is telling you whatever it is he believes will get him off the hook. He probably sensed that you weren't buying the "we weren't exclusive" explanation, so then he tried the "I was insecure" explanation, which you clearly aren't buying either.

    My advice? Honestly, this relationship does not seem healthy at all, you clearly do not trust your boyfriend and your boyfriend can't seem to communicate with you honestly and openly. I would advise to cut your losses, continue to seek medical treatment, and get yourself to a place where you are both emotionally and physically healthy. It's unwise to enter into a relationship when you are at a low point in your life, when a person is at a low point their judgment is always clouded and it's very easy to pick someone who isn't a good match.

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