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Thread: Started nice, turned mean, stayed mean

  1. #1
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    Started nice, turned mean, stayed mean

    Met a guy at an open mic night about a month go, who was very unambiguously into me at the start and asked me to ask him out. I thought he had a nice face and I was a bit interested but he's not my usual type and I was still shaking interest in someone else. On our first date he concluded I wasn't interested in him and wasn't worth it, I walked away with the opposite impression and wanted to see more.

    Next time I saw him in the first 5 minutes he'd told me I don't know what punk music and, upon hearing that I'd gotten a bad performance review from work that I alienate people (totally not the right thing to say). He's been telling me all these negative things about me ever since, I'm racist, sexist, narrow minded, brainwashed SJW blah blah blah. And I am BAD at letting people go, so I held in wishfully thinking that he'd just got the wrong end of the stick and if he spent more time with me he'd realise what I'm really like (like, see me the way my friends do at least). Today it came up in passing that I don't shave and he leveled complete vitriol at me "you should have told me sooner" "people who don't shave are just selfish and lazy" "You just don't shave because you're a brain washed SJW" "Not shaving is why guys **** you but won't date you" "you must want a man who's desperate or a bit gay and I am neither"

    We kept talking, he never reached a point of apologising though, he's all like "either we be friends and you let those things I said go or we don't speak again" And then in the silence some rubbish about am I going to be anywhere he is tonight because he despises drama.

    I should have let up the night he told me I alienate people. My wishful thinking still keeps me stuck with people who hurt me and this hurt more than any of the disinterested boys before him.

    No advice needed per se just looking for hugs and pictures of cute things, words of solidarity. My streak of unreciprocated interest, from guys who appeared interested but then flipped on me remains unbroken and is heading for double digits, it is really really hard to not tell me this is just going to be every guy from now on

    The sadness is high tonight

  2. #2
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    I am shocked this prize has not already been snatched off the market. Shocked, I tell you!

    The next time you see the first whisper of an unstable person, don't feel you need to make them like you or prove yourself to them. Just turn around and exit stage left.

  3. #3
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    What's SJW?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member browneyedgirl36's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    What's SJW?
    It's a "social justice warrior" -- a derogatory term for someone with more liberal leanings who is very passionate about equality, social justice, non-discrimination, etc. My 16 year-old-stepdaughter applies it to people all the time as an insult. *sigh* (Not sure why the OP's date called her that when he also called her "racist" an "sexist" because "SJW's" are very opposed to both of those things and are often faulted/ridiculed for finding racism, sexism, homophobia, etc. in everything.)

    To the OP: I know you said you're not seeking advice, but I do want to make a couple observations that I hope will be helpful. One, this guy is CLEARLY not a good guy. You have to know this. Whether he's just one of those "red pill" guys that hate women OR he's been studying up on pick-up artist techniques online, he sounds like someone who hates women. You barely knew him when he started becoming verbally abusive to you! If you continue to see him or even speak to him, it will only get much, MUCH worse. Second, and more importantly, the fact that you thought, even after his initial nastiness that IF he just got to know you, things would be OK, is concerning. It suggests that you don't have a healthy view of yourself and what you deserve. Your first clue that he wasn't good for you was that you were unsure about him from the get-go. From my experience with my ex, I know that's a huge intuitive signal to run away! And, it seems that, the meaner he was to you, the more interested you were in trying to make it work -- another huge signal that something's off. He could very well have spotted something in you that let him think he could bulldoze you -- verbally, emotionally, etc. and you would be OK with that. He's NOT going to magically change into a good person who doesn't do that. It's just who he is, and I promise you that staying away from him is the absolute BEST thing you could possibly do for yourself.

    Why do you think you don't deserve better than this? This is a question you need to ask yourself and think about, very deeply. I had to do it a few years back, and it was painful, but it was the best thing I ever did.

    Be good to yourself! You don't deserve to have this kind of joker messing with your head. When you know in your heart you are worthy of something better, you will find it, but you have to be prepared to weed out some losers along the way -- to stand strong and move on the minute your gut tells you a guy isn't good for you.

    Hang in there! When I am feeling sad, I go on Pinterest and search for kitten pictures, or watch make-up tutorial videos or cute animal videos on Facebook (search for "Teddy the Porcupine" or "baby goats in pajamas" and you'll see what I mean!) I also recommend getting fresh air -- getting outside just to walk, run, or just BE -- listening to or reading a good book, or listening to a podcast (I just found one called "Everything is Alive" -- it's "interviews" with inanimate objects -- a can of soda, a lamp post, etc. It's hilarious and clever and really took my mind off some stuff yesterday!)

    Keep going. The right person is out there. You just haven't found him. This guy was no prize whatsoever. You can do SO much better.

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  6. #5
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    I agree with Browneyedgirl and I'm glad you see your part in the consequences here- you stuck around wayyy too long with a person who was clearly not treating you appropriately. I am sorry you're hurting. I am reading Jane Eyre right now. I am not sure if I read part/all of it for school but it was my sister's favorite classic novel and probably one of her favorite all time novels. I find her observations on people/what makes them tick/their personalities and how she chooses to interact jaw dropping particularly given when it was published. I highly recommend it as a way to improve yourself -meaning improve your knowledge of history, culture, classic literature -we all can use improvement in that department which is one reason I am reading it - and I think you'll find some valuable insights.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by browneyedgirl36
    It's a "social justice warrior" -- a derogatory term for someone with more liberal leanings who is very passionate about equality, social justice, non-discrimination, etc. My 16 year-old-stepdaughter applies it to people all the time as an insult.
    Thanks, learned something! I must be getting old.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    What's SJW?
    It’s basically an insult to describe the polar opposite of a bigot. It’s someone who is insufferably PC and can and will find offence in anything, on behalf of “vulnerable” and “minorities”.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What a jerk. You were smart to cut your losses.
    Originally Posted by 1a1a
    He's been telling me all these negative things about me ever since, I'm racist, sexist, narrow minded, brainwashed SJW blah blah blah.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by 1a1a
    Met a guy at an open mic night about a month go, who was very unambiguously into me at the start and asked me to ask him out. I thought he had a nice face and I was a bit interested but he's not my usual type and I was still shaking interest in someone else. On our first date he concluded I wasn't interested in him and wasn't worth it, I walked away with the opposite impression and wanted to see more.

    Next time I saw him in the first 5 minutes he'd told me I don't know what punk music and, upon hearing that I'd gotten a bad performance review from work that I alienate people (totally not the right thing to say). He's been telling me all these negative things about me ever since, I'm racist, sexist, narrow minded, brainwashed SJW blah blah blah. And I am BAD at letting people go, so I held in wishfully thinking that he'd just got the wrong end of the stick and if he spent more time with me he'd realise what I'm really like (like, see me the way my friends do at least). Today it came up in passing that I don't shave and he leveled complete vitriol at me "you should have told me sooner" "people who don't shave are just selfish and lazy" "You just don't shave because you're a brain washed SJW" "Not shaving is why guys **** you but won't date you" "you must want a man who's desperate or a bit gay and I am neither"

    We kept talking, he never reached a point of apologising though, he's all like "either we be friends and you let those things I said go or we don't speak again" And then in the silence some rubbish about am I going to be anywhere he is tonight because he despises drama.

    I should have let up the night he told me I alienate people. My wishful thinking still keeps me stuck with people who hurt me and this hurt more than any of the disinterested boys before him.

    No advice needed per se just looking for hugs and pictures of cute things, words of solidarity. My streak of unreciprocated interest, from guys who appeared interested but then flipped on me remains unbroken and is heading for double digits, it is really really hard to not tell me this is just going to be every guy from now on

    The sadness is high tonight
    Hmmm, how to respond with only positive words and no advise whilst also not telling you that your future experiences won’t mirror your past ones?

    Just know that you are valuable and worthy of love, your friends appreciate and care for you and you are fully equipped with all the skills necessary to overcome the hurt from poor treatment by these men. You also have the answers within you to grow from these experiences and choose better dating partners when you feel like it. Have a breather to remind yourself of your worth, take care of yourself, be your priority, indulge.

    If you’re feeling sad I recommend cute cat videos on YouTube, a hot bath with lovely bubble bath or a scented candle, hot chocolate ot cup of tea. Put some effort into trying a new hair or make up style, not to make yourself look better but because you are worth the time and attention that good grooming takes. Cook your favourite nourishing meal because your body deserves to be treated well. Perform your daily chores with loving attention. Enjoy your tidying because you are worth a comforting environment, your mind is worthy of being at ease. Watch drama like Jerry Springer and take solace that your life isn’t like such an episode. Take care of you. I hope you feel better soon xx

  11. #10
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    Why do you even engage with this person? You seem to gravitate towards drama.

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