Talk me off the ledge of REVENGE

So, some know my background. Married with 2 kiddos. And some know that my husband has in the past texted a woman he went to H.S. in secret. He of course blamed that his friend and him were doing it as a joke, and he just didn't stop. The second time he got caught, he blamed in on the fact I was too forward in asking for sex. And now yesterday, I decided to snoop after probably not snooping for two years, and he has been FB chatting with an ex (I believe she's an ex) who is married with a young daughter. Unlike the other two times, which mostly was innocent banter, those messages were full-on elicit sex chatting; anal, dildos, DP. And she and he mentioned some other things about previous chats, so I know he has been deleting chats from her, since only yesterday's messages were there. I quickly changed his login info.

I didn't say anything - waiting to get home.

I got home after picking up our youngest from daycare, and I was staying calm. He however couldn't look me in the eye, and had for the first time, cleaned the kitchen, took out the trash, without me asking him. He made dinner for me and our kids, but not himself, and said he had a late lunch. He then brushed his hair, then left without saying anything to me or the kids. He came back around 1am. Then, I texted him, and told him he should stay elsewhere.

I am not sure if this woman knows that I know now. I really want to post so badly the screen shot of their conversation and tag her in it, and write, "I am a POS husband who doesn't deserve his wife, and apparently like to sext with obese fuglys, especially, Jill M.... who looks just like my mom." I know this doesn't resolve anything, but damn, it would be fun.

This is his 3rd time getting caught. According to enotalone law, it's either counseling, which I have come to the conclusion that he's just a selfish a*sh*le, and I don't need couples counseling, or get a divorce. What kind of woman would I be if I just rolled over on this (again).

I guess time to lawyer up? Thanks.

Since you have children who could potentially be out a full-time father, I'd at least entertain the idea of counseling. But, no, it's definitely not something that should pass without some form of action.

Awww, I am sorry. :( if this is the third time he's going to keep doing it. :( I would just divorce, yes .

Is he aware you are aware of his affairs and philandering? Don't threaten divorce, just privately consult an attorney and a counselor By Yourself to talk about your situation and emotions. You know in joint counselling how it will go right? "I made some mistakes, I love my wife and kids, maybe I have a problem" etc etc. and go through the motions to back you off until next time.

he has been FB chatting with an ex (I believe she's an ex) who is married with a young daughter. Unlike the other two times, which mostly was innocent banter, those messages were full-on elicit sex chatting; anal, dildos, DP. He then brushed his hair, then left without saying anything to me or the kids. He came back around 1am. This is his 3rd time getting caught.

It sounds as though he is taking it further than just texting (re: not coming home till 1 am). You need to see a lawyer. He is going to continue to cheat on you one way or the other.

I am so sorry.

I am not sure if this woman knows that I know now. I really want to post so badly the screen shot of their conversation and tag her in it, and write, "I am a POS husband who doesn't deserve his wife, and apparently like to sext with obese fuglys, especially, Jill M.... who looks just like my mom." I know this doesn't resolve anything, but damn, it would be fun.

Just say you want a divorce. If he asks why, show him the conversation. The end. He's not going to change. My wife has done similar, I wish I could find the strength to walk away and I'd like to say I would if it happens again. But it's a lot easier to give that advice than actually do it. Sorry you're going through this.

Since this is the third time, I'd say keep mum, and go consult with a good lawyer.

The whole FB revenge thing, keep it as a fun idea, but please don't act on that. In the end it will just make you look like the crazy one. This is a situation where silence is much more deadly and ominous than social media drama. Let him sweat and wonder just what you might do. Let him calm down and believe that maybe nothing.....maybe you'll just roll over....and then he gets served with divorce docs. It will be more satisfying that way. Remember, revenge is best served cold and that would be ice cold.

The two times prior, he kept his head down, and didn't say anything for days until I brought it up. I think I want to embarrass him that he has to say something. Either way, we are done.

I will be lawyering up, but I think I am tired of keeping mum about this. I just mailed our holiday cards on Saturday - it shows a happy family. I married poorly, both fiscally and emotionally. I could never do what he did. You know what, I'm gonna do it. I feel like if I post, it will give me the courage to leave because after that, there is no going back.

You know what, I'm gonna do it.

Prepare for possible legal trouble.

http://www.beliveaulaw.net/2013/02/snooping-on-your-spouse-may-be-temptingbut-its-legally-dangerous/

Plus, if you don't live in a no fault state, it could be used against you in the divorce. Not the snooping part. The public humiliation part.

There is also legal precedence that such an act violates the right to privacy.

http://komonews.com/news/local/justices-people-have-right-to-privacy-in-text-messages

Plus, no offense, it is just tacky. I would implore you not to do this. If he feels anything afterwards, it will not be regret or guilt or sorrow, it will be full-on rage, and I sincerely hope in the entirety of your marriage you've never said or done anything embarrassing that only he knows about that you don't want the world to see, because that's the next phase.

Get your mettle some other way.

If you need to publicly humiliate him please leave her out of it. No good comes from name calling and you are coming off as a jerk. A hurt jerk. But a jerk.

If you need the world to know so you can pick up and move on... fine. But he is the person you have an issue with. Don't name her and call her ugly.

I agree, this is really tacky, and though you have every right to be furious and hurt, it brings you down to their level. Also, what if she is the type of person who instead of feeling remorseful and guilty for what she's done, instead claps back with, "and what does it say about you that your husband would rather sleep with someone fugly like your mom?" or something equally as hurtful.

The two times prior, he kept his head down, and didn't say anything for days until I brought it up. I think I want to embarrass him that he has to say something. Either way, we are done.

 

I will be lawyering up, but I think I am tired of keeping mum about this. I just mailed our holiday cards on Saturday - it shows a happy family. I married poorly, both fiscally and emotionally. I could never do what he did. You know what, I'm gonna do it. I feel like if I post, it will give me the courage to leave because after that, there is no going back.

Tell your family and friends why you are leaving him, but DO NOT post this crap on FB. It will bite you in the rear and your pleasure is going to be very very short lived and very very long regretted afterward.

Rise above it, sweetheart. You ARE a better woman than her, you know it and we know it. But don't let your husband or this fugly bring you down.

Did you screen shot this and send it to yourself? If not, I'd recommend you do this before he has a chance to delete it.

And no, don't air it on Facebook, although I'd be lying if I didn't admit to having those thoughts myself about my prior relationship.

Your revenge will come in the form of child support and possible extra money from him to keep mum, once you show him what you've screen-shotted. Were it me, I'd screen shot & email to myself everything I could find on his phone.

A friend of mine caught her husband and emailed all of his emails back & forth to his mistress, to herself. That was all she needed to get a lot of money from him, but he is a very high-powered public official, and part of her agreement was that she is not allowed to publicly speak about it. She considered it a win. Oh, and she got to keep the dog. :)

I agree. Don’t open yourself up to attack by posting crap on Facebook .

I haven't posted. I have control of his account...waiting to post. I hate cheaters. I hate cheaters so bad. I have zero respect for cheaters. I wish it was a year from now, and all I have to do is sign the papers. I feel bad for my kids.

I'm so sorry, tattoobunnie. I'm sending you massive hugs right now.

Sorry to hear this is happening to you. It's ok to have revenge fantasies when hurt. However revenge is best served up cold as in divorce papers after you've discussed things with an attorney gotten all your ducks in a row, etc. Talk to a therapist privately about this and perhaps very trusted family or friends.

I wish it was a year from now, and all I have to do is sign the papers. I feel bad for my kids.

I haven't posted. I have control of his account...waiting to post. I hate cheaters. I hate cheaters so bad. I have zero respect for cheaters.

I totally agree. Lord knows, I've lived it. But this is not your facebook account, and you probably don't own his phone. What he did is horrible, and he should pay for that in divorce settlements and custody. But your idea is definitely against the law. There is no ambiguity about that. At the VERY least wait until you go to your divorce lawyer, and ask him if you should do this. I am quite certain they would advise against it, and that is going to hold more weight than anything said here.

I don't know your husband and how he'd react, but I do know people that would make it their life's mission to destroy you if you did this. You could be trading in a pretty good divorce deal for a world of hurt.

Revenge is petty and beneath you, honestly. I think you already know that though.

I totally get the fantasy of publicly shaming him for crappy behavior. You want to hurt the person (people) who hurt you. You already know that doesn't resolve anything, though... you said as much. So keep it a fantasy rather than indulging in it.

He's established for you that this is who he is. So, if you don't think there's a resolution where the two of you can work through this and not repeat the cycle...yes, it's time to lawyer up.

I am so sorry sweetheart. What he did was horrible but please remain the classy lady you are . Your children will appreciate that so much more .

I have a few numbers of recommended lawyers. I don't have the strength to dial their numbers. I feel like if I don't do it now, he will burn the house to the ground, or just stick it to me some other way. I can't focus at work today. I am sure he's at home on his lunch break, maybe packing. I am so flustered, I can barely breath.

Okay, made an appointment for tomorrow. I don't think I've felt overwhelmed in years, and I am feeling overwhelmed now.

I feel like if I don't do it now, he will burn the house to the ground, or just stick it to me some other way. I can't focus at work today. I am sure he's at home on his lunch break, maybe packing.

Yes, I changed his FB login info. I did this the second time I caught him, and didn't let him have access to his FB account for a full year.

You can do this! Go to the appointment. Make some others asap. Get a few different consults under your belt.

Take some personal time from work if you need to so you don't wreck yourself at work and lose your job as a result.

Do not do anything that would warn him about the divorce. Do not assume anything. No matter how insanely difficult it is, the more you can pull off the idea that you are just going to roll over, the better. Leave him unprepared and blindsided. Don't focus on short term, focus on long term results for yourself and your children. The gloves are off for real this time, but you will play this smart and we are here to help you.