Talk me off the ledge of REVENGE

[tattoobunnie]

I haven't been telling him to do anything, but leave. He is talking now. He just hasn't been talking like a normal person Sunday & Monday because he just wanted to scream. But, when he does scream, he screams just like his mom, which is weird, but makes sense. I don't know why he keeps cleaning; how that makes anything better.

 

I have done dramatic break-ups. I have gotten revenge. I have ghosted. I've done civil. I have done mutual. I have done crazy. As much as everyone wants me to mentally burn all his stuff, and physically toss him out, he still is my husband and the father of my kids, and I am choosing to work through it. He's has problems he needs to fix. I am aware of this.

 

I have read all of the posts thoroughly. I will report back when we figure things out more.

[reinventmyself]

You pulled teeth for answers - he did not offer them on his own. .

 

After catching up to this, from where I sit not only did she pull teeth, but she spoon fed him the answers and gave him the excuses for his bad behavior.

This is not what genuine remorse and change is made of.

True change begins and ends with his efforts. I haven't seen any yet.

 

. . .he doesn't get credit for merely showing up. He also doesn't get full credit for his apology.

I wasn't there but she needs to ask herself if the apology was that of genuine understanding and remorse. . Or was the apology served merely to relieve his own discomfort.

There is a difference.

 

I do hope this turns out the way you hope it will, T.

Either way, we are here for you.

[reinventmyself]

Unless and until your husband admits what he did, admits it was wrong, (without any prompting) agrees to intensive therapy (after all, from what you wrote he has a lot of issues to work through and so far his methods of dealing with it [cheating] have done nothing to resolve those issues) and sincerely WANTS to get his issues resolved, this pattern will most likely repeat. The losers? You and your children, if he doesn't do all of the above.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

[ThatwasThen]

I haven't been telling him to do anything, but leave. He is talking now. He just hasn't been talking like a normal person Sunday & Monday because he just wanted to scream. But, when he does scream, he screams just like his mom, which is weird, but makes sense. I don't know why he keeps cleaning; how that makes anything better.

 

I have done dramatic break-ups. I have gotten revenge. I have ghosted. I've done civil. I have done mutual. I have done crazy. As much as everyone wants me to mentally burn all his stuff, and physically toss him out, he still is my husband and the father of my kids, and I am choosing to work through it. He's has problems he needs to fix. I am aware of this.

 

I have read all of the posts thoroughly. I will report back when we figure things out more.

 

I think the following is an excellent idea. After all, you have zero chance of controlling anyone else but you.

Just as a suggestion... what do you think about the idea of talking with a councillor yourself to help navigate through your processing of all this? I know it's not a pat solution to everything, but during really difficult times it can be so helpful.

 

[Capricorn3]

I still don't get why he couldn't pick up our kid at the bus stop..

I would love to know what his excuse was. (Unless I missed it somewhere). Out of everything he has done, I fine this the most shocking of all.

[Jibralta]

I still don't get why he couldn't pick up our kid at the bus stop.

 

You don't get it because you're not the kind of person who would abandon your family in order to serve your own purposes. You will never get it.

[Batya33]

You don't get it because you're not the kind of person who would abandon your family in order to serve your own purposes. You will never get it.

 

It's worse than that -he abandoned a child -whether it was his child or not if you're responsible for a child you don't do that intentionally for any reason.

[Jibralta]

Well, yes. Most of the animal kingdom knows that.

 

[ThatwasThen]

^^^ That's awesome.

[Batya33]

Well, yes. Most of the animal kingdom knows that.

 

 

My point was it's also awful to abandon adults who are your family or like family - a whole other matter when that person also is a child/is dependent on you for care and safety.

[itsallgrand]

How are you doing, tattoobunny? Now that the holidays are over and life is settling back into the daily routine.

[tattoobunnie]

Totally not ignoring this post. I started writing one earlier this week, but accidentally closed my window before heading off to a meeting.

 

Nothing dramatic or life-changing to report. Just a lot of me making him feel like a POS here and there. Like nasty, and I don't care. I did though this past weekend yelled at him like a teenager in front of our kids, which was dumb - but it was like rage over something so minute, but was a big deal to me.

 

I will comment back with more substantial events. Holidays, kids, winter, work, distractions from life, really puts hatred on the back burner. My head is not in the sand; just waiting to see how things play out.

 

I have mentioned at least 20x about getting a divorce, but of course the moron declines. But I don't think it's what I ultimately want. I just refuse to sweep this under the rug this time.

[Unreasonable]

If you don't want divorce, and he doesn't want divorce, then stop talking about divorce. There's other, better ways to solve marital problems than by throwing out the D word constantly when you don't really mean it.

[tattoobunnie]

I don't really know if I do or don't. I think it's okay if people need to divorce; plenty of reasons why. It's hard. My mom told me to get a pre-nup, but I didn't. Sometimes, I feel like he's in it for the financial security since I make good money and own property and businesses. I can't tell since he never says anything. I can't tell if he can't bring himself to talk, or he's covering up. I am not a human lie detector.

[boltnrun]

You want to stay married to a man who you refer to as "the moron"?

[tattoobunnie]

He's never called me a moron, or anything related to that. Maybe you are thinking of another poster?

[boltnrun]

He's never called me a moron, or anything related to that. Maybe you are thinking of another poster?

I have mentioned at least 20x about getting a divorce, but of course the moron declines.

 

YOU called HIM a moron. See above. That's why I asked the question.

[tattoobunnie]

I think that has more to do with pride - the name calling in a private (well private for me) forum.

[Starlight925]

I feel like he's in it for the financial security since I make good money and own property and businesses.

 

So he's not only cheating on you (at least emotionally, but probably physically), he's mooching off you as well?

 

Why do you stay?

[tattoobunnie]

He is not a mooch. He contributes fiscally, and hands on with the kids and the chores. I just have substantially brought a lot to the table, and make twice as much as he does.

 

I'm saying if I were to divorce, potentially half of what I have could be his. This is not the reason why I am still with him. I just recognize that this is going to take a lot longer to resolve.

[Starlight925]

I'm saying if I were to divorce, potentially half of what I have could be his. This is not the reason why I am still with him. I just recognize that this is going to take a lot longer to resolve.

 

Have you spoken to a family law attorney? You need a very sharp attorney, and possibly a forensic accountant, to wade through it all.

 

You can do all of this without his knowledge.

[tattoobunnie]

Yes. Already did the same week on he was caught. Had all my paperwork done to get temporary custody of the kids and residence that would have been filed early the following week. I changed my mind on Sunday. I already have all my ducks in a row if I pursue the divorce route.

[reinventmyself]

Yes. Already did the same week on he was caught. Had all my paperwork done to get temporary custody of the kids and residence that would have been filed early the following week. I changed my mind on Sunday. I already have all my ducks in a row if I pursue the divorce route.

 

considering everything, what is the absolute best outcome you are hoping for, after all that has happened. (and continues too.. 'stonewalling you')

just curoius

[itsallgrand]

Totally not ignoring this post. I started writing one earlier this week, but accidentally closed my window before heading off to a meeting.

 

Nothing dramatic or life-changing to report. Just a lot of me making him feel like a POS here and there. Like nasty, and I don't care. I did though this past weekend yelled at him like a teenager in front of our kids, which was dumb - but it was like rage over something so minute, but was a big deal to me.

 

I will comment back with more substantial events. Holidays, kids, winter, work, distractions from life, really puts hatred on the back burner. My head is not in the sand; just waiting to see how things play out.

 

I have mentioned at least 20x about getting a divorce, but of course the moron declines. But I don't think it's what I ultimately want. I just refuse to sweep this under the rug this time.

 

It's understandable you'd be angry. I'd feel angry too. It sounds like your feelings are very mixed and back and forth right now though? Understandable too.

 

Really no rush to answer back, just wanted you to know people are still thinking of you.

[j.man]

I admit I haven't kept up with every page, but are you two in counseling yet? I agree it shouldn't be swept under the rug, but if it's gotten to the point of yelling at him in front of his kids, threatening divorce 20 times, calling him names, and whatever else, you need more than anything an environment and a professional mediator to constructively navigate the matter, whether it means the road ends with a genuine effort at reconciliation or divorce.

 

There's not an excuse in the world I can give this guy for what he did before, but you are still very much responsible for the character you develop as a result. You're going to very quickly lose any "high ground" (not that it should necessarily be looked at that way).