Talk me off the ledge of REVENGE

[superfan]

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT send that message.

 

I'm not going to lie, it would feel good. It would feel SO good to expose him to the world as a crappy husband and crappy human being, but it will only end up hurting YOU and YOUR CHILDREN in the end.

 

If you post that on facebook, it is out there forever. There is NO taking that back. He can use it against you in court when you are looking at custody. He can use it to paint you as unstable, and as someone who harasses people verbally. This could mean the difference in the custody agreement you arrive at.

 

Not only that, but if your kids ever see it one day it could be embarrassing and humiliating for them and seriously damage the relationship they have with their father and here is the thing about that. You might think "well good, he deserves it for being a crappy husband", but those kids do not.

 

They deserve a chance to still have a good relationship with their father. If he decides not to be a good dad after the separation that is one thing, but you as a mother should be doing everything in your power to shield your child from the negativity that is to come. You want to bad mouth him, but doing so will only harm the kids in the long run. Don't mess up their relationship with him just because yours has ended. Rise above it.

 

Also, as others have said, don't even mention divorce yet until you have spoken with a lawyer and gotten your plan in place. Serve him with the papers when everything is in order.

 

Be the better person. Not for him, but for you and your children.

[superfan]

Since you have children who could potentially be out a full-time father, I'd at least entertain the idea of counseling. But, no, it's definitely not something that should pass without some form of action.

 

This is the third time he has done it. Counselling should have come after the first incident. Third strike? She should be out, kids or no kids. It's never good to see a family break up but it would be even worse to have those kids grow up and have their only understanding of what a marriage is be one in which Dad cheats on Mom constantly.

 

A decent custody arrangement can be arrived at provided both parties act in the best interests of the child.

 

It is not in their best interest to see this kind of marriage.

[Unreasonable]

Yes, I changed his FB login info. I did this the second time I caught him, and didn't let him have access to his FB account for a full year.

So on top of it all, he's an idiot. Wow. Damn man. Delete your messages, get a secret FB account. Use snapchat. Anything! Doing this on a FB account he knows you have access to? Yeesh. Makes you wonder if he even cares, or wanted to get caught.

 

Well, at least he's a bad cheater, ya know? It could be a lot worse.

[ThatwasThen]

Yes, I changed his FB login info. I did this the second time I caught him, and didn't let him have access to his FB account for a full year.

 

Well, It just goes to show you that trying to control someone or their outcomes usually doesn't do any good when you're trying to control someone other then yourself. Doing what you did is actually akin to pouring an alcoholics booze down the sink... they just learn to buy more and hide it better.

 

Did you guys get any marriage counselling to figure out and resolve issues when you first found out what he was doing?

 

I am really sorry that your relationship is in such trouble. If I remember correctly you've been together a while. Is it too late to try therapy to figure out if it can be salvaged?

[tattoobunnie]

I believe therapy and counseling is very beneficial. But when he gets caught, he makes zero initiative to talk. I always have to put on the big girl pants, and talk to him. I think it's time to stop staying in a relationship where I am the only one staying committed to making things work.

 

A week ago, I planned an overnight trip with just him and me (no kids!), with dinner at a steakhouse. He cancelled the day before because it was suppose to snow, and his work involves him being there for inclement weather, but not really. And of course, this after not having been on a date since February. So I cancelled everything, and the ground was very warm, and none of it stuck. I rescheduled for this weekend, but this happened.

 

Anything can be salvaged, but it requires two people committed to wanting it to work.

[ThatwasThen]

I believe therapy and counseling is very beneficial. But when he gets caught, he makes zero initiative to talk. I always have to put on the big girl pants, and talk to him. I think it's time to stop staying in a relationship where I am the only one staying committed to making things work.

 

A week ago, I planned an overnight trip with just him and me (no kids!), with dinner at a steakhouse. He cancelled the day before because it was suppose to snow, and his work involves him being there for inclement weather, but not really. And of course, this after not having been on a date since February. So I cancelled everything, and the ground was very warm, and none of it stuck. I rescheduled for this weekend, but this happened.

 

Anything can be salvaged, but it requires two people committed to wanting it to work.

Yes, you're certainly right about that. I'm sorry.

[equinethethree]

I would suggest being the bigger person here and handling it with as much intergrity and grace as your soul can handle.

 

The fact you came to this forum before plotting your 'revenge' shows how much of a good person you are. You think before making reckless decisions. Make sure to uphold that good trait. You must be clear and honest with your husband with what you have found. As the cheated on spouse, you are allowed to ask any questions you like. If he cares for you and his children, he will answer. But stand your ground. Create rules. - All logins, passwords shared etc. Also, nobody NEEDS Facebook, why not make it a shared account so the wrong people aren't contacting him? (Just an example)

 

For this to develop in a healthy direction, your husband must first 1) Accept what he is doing is wrong. 2) Be open to your rules and feelings on this. 3) Feel genuine remorse. 4) Hate to say this, but perhaps ask him what he is missing in the relationship so that he would turn in such a direction.

 

Failing these decisions, still handle it with as much grace as you can. Then choose your ultimate decision. Whether that be a lawyer or divorce. But don't let this man disrespect your family name or your anymore.

[abitbroken]

Couples counseling even if he is not willing to change will help you transition to coparenting. Do you know the other woman's name? i would lawyer up - at least consult a lawyer about your rites and then i would casually ask him "so how is ___ name of other woman".

[reinventmyself]

I would suggest being the bigger person here and handling it with as much intergrity and grace as your soul can handle.

 

Failing these decisions, still handle it with as much grace as you can. Then choose your ultimate decision. Whether that be a lawyer or divorce. But don't let this man disrespect your family name or your anymore.

 

This is the best advise and the best revenge. Even though blowing everything up and setting on fire might feel really satisfying at the moment, you know you would look back and regret it later.

 

You go out with class, your head held high. Remember, your kids will be watching how you handle this every step of the way. Do it in a way that you know your children will ultimately respect you.

 

During my divorce I stayed quiet. Stealth and quiet. Ultimately that drove my ex more nuts then being a crazy bee-atch ever would have. He baited me every which way but I wouldn't give in.

Just know they like to see you come unstrung. Do not give him that satisfaction. Your silence will scare him. Trust me.

 

Sending you hugs. . Remember, knowledge is power. The sooner you find out where you stand legally that more stable with you will feel.

Hang in there. .

[tattoobunnie]

So he didn't even bother letting me know he wasn't going to meet our son at his bus stop today. He didn't even tell our neighbor who's kids are in the same grade, so he was worried since he always reaches out to her if he is running late. Then, I wasn't sure if maybe he got hurt, since his friend who he always texts hasn't heard from him since Tuesday. But I can see his work email, and he has been sending work emails as normal, and is alive. It's sad that he'd just flake out on his kid.

 

So I am not sure if I should feed his cats - we adopted them a few weeks ago, and he's the cat guy, I'm allergic.

 

I thought he'd of at least come home at lunch and take some clothes and maybe his desktop computer - nothing. At least pick up our kid as per usual, or let me know he couldn't. He appears to not have been home since I told him to stay somewhere else last night.

 

Ugh, the neighbor just called; I told her I didn't know where he was when I picked up our kid. She said to text her just so she knew he was okay. I couldn't answer, and say he's technically okay.

[Capricorn3]

So he didn't even bother letting me know he wasn't going to meet our son at his bus stop today. He didn't even tell our neighbor who's kids are in the same grade, so he was worried since he always reaches out to her if he is running late. It's sad that he'd just flake out on his kid..

^ THAT is where I draw the line. That is disgusting for a father to simply abandon his child. I have no words. If anything would make me head for a lawyer and divorce, this would confirm it. He just crossed a major line here and he'd be out. Permanently.

 

I'm so so sorry this is happening to you.

[Jibralta]

So sorry this is happening to you. I think you should resist the urge to get revenge, for your own sake, and your own peace of mind.

[Batya33]

I am lending you my support and ear. I cannot imagine. You are strong and you -and the village who will be there for you -can do this. So sorry.

[Seraphim]

Don’t take irritation at him out on innocent cats, ok. Of course you feed them.

[Seraphim]

Absolutely document he bailed on his kid.

[KantSleep]

Sorry you are going through this. I wish I had answers. I can say it is likely time you move on, sad as that is...

[Honeycomb8]

This must be a tough time, but keep strong. No point in counselling, he is a POS and needs to be placed in the past.

 

 

Take it one step at a time =/

[ballerinababe]

Wow, his behavior is shockingly horrible. Seems he is completely indifferent to the whole situation to the point of neglecting his own children. So sorry you are going through this. I hope you can stick it to him by taking others' advice and staying classy despite his horrid behavior. And I agree with Seraphima, that you definitely should feed the cats! Obviously your husband isn't going to do it, and the cats are innocent creatures in all this, trying to adapt to a new living environment and probably stressed as it is without having to worry about if they will be fed.

[Lester]

If you want to save your marriage, read Dobson's "Love must be Tough".

[Starlight925]

So he didn't even bother letting me know he wasn't going to meet our son at his bus stop today. It's sad that he'd just flake out on his kid.

 

^^^ Please don't use minimizing words here like "flake out". Letting his own child wait at a bus stop, without any communication about it, is not a "flake out".

 

It's abusive. It's abandonment. It's horrific.

 

And yes, please document this event, with as much detail as can (times, etc.) so you can show it to your lawyer.

[Liraele]

^^^ Please don't use minimizing words here like "flake out". Letting his own child wait at a bus stop, without any communication about it, is not a "flake out".

 

It's abusive. It's abandonment. It's horrific.

 

And yes, please document this event, with as much detail as can (times, etc.) so you can show it to your lawyer.

 

Yes. This.

[tattoobunnie]

I had my meeting with my lawyer today. Filled out my statement of net worth, my chronology of events statement, and gave the retainer fee. Great, I am super organized. But now, I am not sure what to tell my 5.5 year old son what happened. Yesterday, he was in a meeting, and after school today, my neighbor kindly set up a playdate and is taking him to a movie. But, tomorrow, I will need to tell him something.

 

What can I say that won't have him question what love is suppose to be like?

[Seraphim]

It is VERY important that children who’s parents divorce know they are loved. They often blame themselves for their parent’s divorce . I lived through three divorces as a kid . Just tell your son that you love him very much and even if you and his dad can’t get along that that changes nothing about how you love him . You love him just as much as always . And remind him that his father loves him too. That is the most important message, ever .

[tattoobunnie]

I would say that he loves them, but then I feel it is also saying you can love someone, and then they can just abandon you, and they move on, and never see you again. You would never know what looks normal.

 

He should know love shows up, even when vomiting at 3 in the morning, when you are tired and cranky, and need tlc. Love just doesn't leave and abandon you. Love is there for you.

 

I feel so bad for my kids.

[Seraphim]

Love is the most important message . That is all I know to tell you. This is what children want to know that their life is secure and that they are loved that’s it.