Talk me off the ledge of REVENGE

[Seraphim]

I hope everything works out honey. ❤️

[Batya33]

I hope everything works out honey. ❤️

 

I second that and hope today is going ok.

[ThatwasThen]

First, I would like to share that this forum has really made me grow as a person. I may not always agree with everyone, and sometimes I really do. It really helps to center things I am going through, and this place is really an outlet for me, whether I am going through something, or I have something to share back.

 

So, around 2am, technically Saturday, I hear him come home, and go into the basement. It was late, and I just let him stay down there, and decided to not confront at that time. In the morning though, I get up, go down, and took me a while to say, but did say, "a court order is being filed beginning of next week for temporary custody of the kids and the house." He didn't say anything back. Just put his head back down. I went back upstairs.

 

Moments later, he left through the side door, and drove away. I felt a little devastated that he didn't at least stay to say hello to the kids. I called. No answer. I texted,

"Your coffee was just poured. You should at least say hello to your kids."

"I am civil. You may no longer love me and want to stay married, but don't take it out on the kids."

"Please don't abandon your kids. Life is hard enough."

"Your son is watching Les Stroud's show for kids. Nothing is ever too late."

 

Then, I gave up. 15 minutes later after the last text, he drove back, and I opened the door for him. I let him come in normal. I had figured at least he was going to come and take some clothes, but instead, he started putting away and hanging up all his clothes. I was confused. I came into the room, and told him, "I know you are looking for happiness. And that you've emotionally checked out of the marriage"

 

He motions for me to stop, and says, "I just want to fold these clothes," trying to not burst into tears.

 

I tell him that, "I still love him, but it's okay if you no longer want to stay married. And he is always welcome in the kids' lives."

 

He asks me to sit next to him, and we talk. He tells me for the past 36 hours, he's been at work, since he didn't know what else to do. And has barely slept. That he hates himself. That with his company doing for horribly at the location, he feels so ashamed. That he didn't initiate the conversation with her that has been happening for a few months, that he likes the feeling of control that he gets from it. He confirms she was an ex. I share how she looks just like his mom.

 

On a side note, her and I have exchanged a few cordial FB messages. She apologized to me and said that she never got over him. That they dated 10 years ago for 3 years on and off, and he would never commit to her. The way he described it a long time ago, she wanted to move in together, and he didn't want to move in with someone who expected him to clean and cook everything because she didn't know how, and didn't want to learn how. So he dragged the last year out. Either way, being led on and strung along never feels good. I get that.

 

We talked throughout the day. Hung out with the kids. Did some holiday shopping. Made love. The day was enough to at least see where it goes. It's not the holidays talking. It's marriage - the good, the bad, the ugly. I am not afraid to be alone. I know he has deficiencies he needs to work through. I know it's not my fault. I have my ducks in a row that I know what I would need to do if I feel I no longer want to stay married. There is enough for me to see what happens next. Enough love, compassion, and commitment.

 

Thanks, everyone. I would be lost without this group.

 

Please don't just sweep this under the rug. You both need to sit down with an impartial mediator that is marriage counselling and get all of this off your chests and figure out how to get that emotional bond back as a constant that you experienced when you made that act of desperation to feel connected which you are calling "made love" with him.

 

You need the help that sitting down with a professional will give you.

[DancingFool]

Tattoobunnie, please don't get sucked into spending a normal seeming day together, a deep convo and "making love". This is a third time....that you've caught him....at least. He has serious issues within himself to work out and unless he is willing to roll up his sleeves and work his azz off with counseling, cbt, etc and really do the work he needs on himself to become a better man and a better human being at large, there will be a fourth time and a fifth time and however many more times you allow. By his own admission, it's how he responds to stress, aka he is one weak azz coward with issues.

 

I'm not advocating proceeding with divorce. I am advocating that IF he doesn't want you to proceed, he must take fixing himself seriously and actually do it full time, for real and that you should demand it and be vigilant in terms whether he is really working on himself or just paying lip service to you. This is a case where you and your marriage isn't so much of a problem as he is. What's driving his behavior are his own weaknesses, issues, and insecurities and unless they get corrected, nothing will ever change with him.

[tattoobunnie]

We have sex regularly, well as much as average parents with two small kids can. Should I have called it the horizontal mambo?

 

We both know he would benefit from counseling on his own; work through issues with work, his mom, life. I was just not interested in hearing about or demanding drastic ways of how he's going to do this or that, because if he did know, he would have probably been doing it already.

 

But in every way, he does need to take initiate for his own happiness. It's a process I am open at this time to see him work through.

 

I could be blind. I could be naive. But I am willing to give things at least a few more weeks to see where it goes. Years ago, with the first two times, I don't think I could ever conceive that he could compartmentalize what he was doing like that. To know him, you are convinced he's a good guy. And I've known him for 23 years now. And he is. He just has a lot of sh*t under the surface he needs to get together.

 

Working things out will take longer than the "one day". But it was one day that was enough to at least see how things turn out other than with a court order.

[ThatwasThen]

We have sex regularly, well as much as average parents with two small kids can. Should I have called it the horizontal mambo?

You missed the point about you doing it was a form of a desperate attempt to feel emotionally connected again rather then reaching a true emotional connection through the hard work the two of you NEED to do to make this relationship a healthy one free of his BS and your enabling.

 

You both would benefit from personal counselling. Him for his addiction to needing the attention of other woman, you for your enabling codependency. Harsh? Yes, but it the truth of the matter. If you let this go and stay with him without him getting pro-active in his own recovery then you would do well to learn how to accept his behaviour without being hurt by it.

 

This is not a one off, the two of you are in a pattern of him doing it and you letting it go while you try to control as if you were his mother and grounding him from using his computer. That is not a solution to any addiction.

 

Sorry for being harsh but it is what it is and you've gotten plenty enough there-there posts to salve your hurt. Time for straight up stuff because you're making excuses to enable yourself to continue on in the same dynamic as before.

[tattoobunnie]

Who said I was sweeping it under the rug? Last I check, "making love" with someone doesn't put me under a spell. It takes a lot more than a day, or weeks to figure life out.

 

I have all my paperwork done and a lawyer on retainer to file a motion with the courts. I have yet to see how it's bad to put a pin in it on divorcing him.

 

But I would like to know how you see me as codependent (I am serious). I am not seeing this, and may be it is something I am not seeing. I have friends and family that I can lean on, but was ready to become a single mom really, and planning on changing the locks after the court order was done. I run companies, make double what he makes, and know I can live without him if he got run over by a bus tomorrow. Or are you saying I am enabling him to be codependent?

[lostandhurt]

Reading through the whole thread I kept wondering when he was going to cave and break down.

 

Apologies in cases like these are just words, there is no substance to them because he doesn't value the concepts of honesty, respect and trustworthiness. His reaction is human but not remorseful. He was afraid of what was going to happen but in 36 hours did nothing to try and fix what ha had done. Instead he hid from it and in the process abandoned your child.

 

So for the sake of your willingness to give him another chance let's say he is broken somehow and not just a selfish untrustworthy excuse for a husband and father. I would strongly suggest that you put all of the work of repairing the damage he has caused solely on his shoulders. That means asking him what he intends to do to make this right by the family now and moving forward. Ask him to explain why he thought it was okay to lie and cheat on you over and over again and when he makes up excuses remind him that THEY ARE EXCUSES not reasons and that if he hopes to save your marriage he needs to get into therapy right away. Then sit back and wait.

 

The thing about second chances or in this case 4th chance is that the person getting them has to use it wisely and not just wait it out.

 

Remember this always when dealing with him. He cheated, he lied and he put himself even before your little boy. This type of selfishness just doesn't go away, it is deep rooted and is who he really is in his soul. He will repeat this again and again unless he seeks out processional help. This is not conjecture, it is fact and being a long time member here you have seen enough to know I am right.

 

Fighting for your marriage is the right thing to do and I commend you for it but please keep your eyes wide open.

 

I only hope is that he sees this gift you have given him for it's true value and does not waste it like he has so many times before.

 

Lost

[DancingFool]

Who said I was sweeping it under the rug? Last I check, "making love" with someone doesn't put me under a spell. It takes a lot more than a day, or weeks to figure life out.

 

I have all my paperwork done and a lawyer on retainer to file a motion with the courts. I have yet to see how it's bad to put a pin in it on divorcing him.

 

But I would like to know how you see me as codependent (I am serious). I am not seeing this, and may be it is something I am not seeing. I have friends and family that I can lean on, but was ready to become a single mom really, and planning on changing the locks after the court order was done. I run companies, make double what he makes, and know I can live without him if he got run over by a bus tomorrow. Or are you saying I am enabling him to be codependent?

 

You are enabling him to carry on with cheating and not addressing his issues by not demanding aggressively and concretely that he gets his sh$t together and gets his head screwed on straight and making it clear this is the end of the road and he is out of other options. Tough love is what's needed here, forgiveness can come later......after he gets himself fixed. Sometimes, the hard part of being a good spouse is that you have to put your foot down and actually demand and leave no other options open. Tough love. Literally.

 

It is not on you to fix things. This is on him and you will need to take a step back, get tough, stop babying him and make it clear that it's either he is taking concrete steps to address his personal sh$t that is driving his actions or you are proceeding with divorce. This is on him to fix, not you. I will repeat - this is on him to fix, not you. Stop jumping in and fixing. He is a fck'ing coward and you are letting him get away with it by babying him.

[reinventmyself]

deleted. . . . . . . .

[Capricorn3]

Reading through the whole thread I kept wondering when he was going to cave and break down.

 

Apologies in cases like these are just words, there is no substance to them because he doesn't value the concepts of honesty, respect and trustworthiness. His reaction is human but not remorseful. He was afraid of what was going to happen but in 36 hours did nothing to try and fix what ha had done. Instead he hid from it and in the process abandoned your child.

 

So for the sake of your willingness to give him another chance let's say he is broken somehow and not just a selfish untrustworthy excuse for a husband and father. I would strongly suggest that you put all of the work of repairing the damage he has caused solely on his shoulders. That means asking him what he intends to do to make this right by the family now and moving forward. Ask him to explain why he thought it was okay to lie and cheat on you over and over again and when he makes up excuses remind him that THEY ARE EXCUSES not reasons and that if he hopes to save your marriage he needs to get into therapy right away. Then sit back and wait.

 

The thing about second chances or in this case 4th chance is that the person getting them has to use it wisely and not just wait it out.

 

Remember this always when dealing with him. He cheated, he lied and he put himself even before your little boy. This type of selfishness just doesn't go away, it is deep rooted and is who he really is in his soul. He will repeat this again and again unless he seeks out processional help. This is not conjecture, it is fact and being a long time member here you have seen enough to know I am right.

 

Fighting for your marriage is the right thing to do and I commend you for it but please keep your eyes wide open.

 

I only hope is that he sees this gift you have given him for it's true value and does not waste it like he has so many times before.

 

Lost

 

This brilliant post is worth repeating.

 

I also agree with those who have mentioned you are enabling him. Absolutely. This is now the 4th chance. How many more?? You don't see the pattern yet? It won't change. He needs to get his a$$ into counselling to help sort himself out and he needs to stick to it. Until that happens and he proves himself, I'd kick him out.

[Jibralta]

He was afraid of what was going to happen but in 36 hours did nothing to try and fix what ha had done. Instead he hid from it and in the process abandoned your child.

 

He chose himself over his family.

 

His remorse was probably real. But was he sorry he did it, or sorry he got caught?

 

I suspect he was sorry he got caught. Because it's his fourth time now.

 

Time will tell.

[KantSleep]

Tattoobunnie, good luck with whatever you choose to do. None of us knows your husband the way you do. You will figure it out.

[abitbroken]

This brilliant post is worth repeating.

 

I also agree with those who have mentioned you are enabling him. Absolutely. This is now the 4th chance. How many more?? You don't see the pattern yet? It won't change. He needs to get his a$$ into counselling to help sort himself out and he needs to stick to it. Until that happens and he proves himself, I'd kick him out.

 

When you had sex with him, it is too early for "one for old times/we both needed a release and this doesn't mean anything more than that" --- typically, in most cases, a man gives emotional intimacy to get sex and women get sex to get emotional intimacy. He opened up to you, and you should have just let it be that - left him in the basement - because having sex with him was similar to reconciling/reward for his half-assed explanation. Honest men don't blame the women they cheat with "it just happened/SHE is the one to texted ME" crap and they do not cheat because things are going tough at work - they check in with a career mentor, they blow off steam at the gym or put their resumes out there. Its almost like he was half making excuses and half looking for sympathy. He should have been left dangling- literally. He learns that if he has censored honesty - opens up just enough - he's back in the game with you. He didn't open up before you told him about the legal stuff. And his response to adversity - adversity that he could just have invented downright sucks. If he was having a tough go at work, he could have gotten support from you - but he chose something else. He has not learned from the other two times. He is upset because he got caught - not because of what he did.

[ThatwasThen]

All the posts after you posted asking how is what you are doing, codependent clearly explain how it applies to you and the relationship you are in.

 

I also commend you for working to save your marriage but you need to let him grow and he's only going to do that when you stop trying to fix this on your own and you don't insist that he get himself into therapy or at the very least a 12 step programme for those with a sex addiction. FOUR times now, luv. That's more then a mistake... it's a need he has that isn't going away with you dis-allowing his internet use. He put your son in danger which to me would flatten out any libido I may have had left for him after already betraying me three times prior.

 

Yes, you know him better then any of us but what of concern is you're in denial about who he really is.

[tattoobunnie]

Last night, I pressed on him the questions that people brought up here. I read a few posts to him too. Getting him to answer was like pulling teeth. But it's to be expected. If he really could figure out and express why he did what he did, and tell me about all the ways he is messed up, he probably wouldn't have been doing what he was doing to begin with. He has a problem, and needs tools to help him manage how he is feeling in an appropriate manner.

 

Being in denial I feel is not believing he has cheated, lied, and put himself first. I know what he did. But, I also know he is my husband and the father to my kids, and I am choosing to see what he does. I hope he's not a total POS sociopath, and can redeem himself, and we can work through this. I am being realistic. Things like this don't disappear overnight, or resolve in days.

 

We talked about the commonality with these women; how they look like his mom (gross), their inappropriateness as married women with kids. And, he says he needs to figure out how I am out of everyone the only normal and healthy person; how everyone else has been a broken bird.

 

Knowing his past, his histrionic hoarding mom, not knowing his dad wasn't his biological dad until he was 27, and the dad who raised him just not speaking to each other for a decade, I am not going "there, there," but I have enough love and kindness there to at least give the man 60 days to put a plan in place. Jury is still out.

[itsallgrand]

Just as a suggestion... what do you think about the idea of talking with a councillor yourself to help navigate through your processing of all this? I know it's not a pat solution to everything, but during really difficult times it can be so helpful.

 

Thinking of you.

[Batya33]

Last night, I pressed on him the questions that people brought up here. I read a few posts to him too. Getting him to answer was like pulling teeth. But it's to be expected. If he really could figure out and express why he did what he did, and tell me about all the ways he is messed up, he probably wouldn't have been doing what he was doing to begin with. He has a problem, and needs tools to help him manage how he is feeling in an appropriate manner.

 

Being in denial I feel is not believing he has cheated, lied, and put himself first. I know what he did. But, I also know he is my husband and the father to my kids, and I am choosing to see what he does. I hope he's not a total POS sociopath, and can redeem himself, and we can work through this. I am being realistic. Things like this don't disappear overnight, or resolve in days.

 

We talked about the commonality with these women; how they look like his mom (gross), their inappropriateness as married women with kids. And, he says he needs to figure out how I am out of everyone the only normal and healthy person; how everyone else has been a broken bird.

 

Knowing his past, his histrionic hoarding mom, not knowing his dad wasn't his biological dad until he was 27, and the dad who raised him just not speaking to each other for a decade, I am not going "there, there," but I have enough love and kindness there to at least give the man 60 days to put a plan in place. Jury is still out.

 

Do you really believe he is in denial to the point that he was not the one making these choices? If he were in denial then why would he have gone to the extreme of abandoning his son at a bus stop where he could be hurt or taken or simply emotionally hurt like "why is no one here to meet me?" - if he didn't think he was doing anything wrong and thought you were wrong to be mad at him he wouldn't have reacted as he did. He knows. He made the choices. Again and again. It's his job to tell you why it happened and what he is going to do to insure it doesn't happen a 5th time.

 

I think you are the wrong person (understatement) to discuss the details of these women with him. You're biased, you're emotional, and you're overlaying it with psychospeak about his parents, his mother, etc. For all you know it's simply that he wanted instant gratification, they paid attention to him in a way he fancied and he went for it. who cares what she looks like or what she's like -he didn't care either beyond the surface because even though he took marital vows and is a father of young children, he chose to play with fire and more than that. Are you sure he's the one in denial? Won't you wonder while you're monitoring his every move that if he even thinks he's been caught again your child will be wandering the streets one afternoon?

 

If he hadn't abandoned your son and put his safety at great risk I wouldn't be coming across this intensely.

[abitbroken]

Last night, I pressed on him the questions that people brought up here. I read a few posts to him too. Getting him to answer was like pulling teeth. But it's to be expected. If he really could figure out and express why he did what he did, and tell me about all the ways he is messed up, he probably wouldn't have been doing what he was doing to begin with. He has a problem, and needs tools to help him manage how he is feeling in an appropriate manner.

 

Being in denial I feel is not believing he has cheated, lied, and put himself first. I know what he did. But, I also know he is my husband and the father to my kids, and I am choosing to see what he does. I hope he's not a total POS sociopath, and can redeem himself, and we can work through this. I am being realistic. Things like this don't disappear overnight, or resolve in days.

 

We talked about the commonality with these women; how they look like his mom (gross), their inappropriateness as married women with kids. And, he says he needs to figure out how I am out of everyone the only normal and healthy person; how everyone else has been a broken bird.

 

Knowing his past, his histrionic hoarding mom, not knowing his dad wasn't his biological dad until he was 27, and the dad who raised him just not speaking to each other for a decade, I am not going "there, there," but I have enough love and kindness there to at least give the man 60 days to put a plan in place. Jury is still out.

 

You pulled teeth for answers - he did not offer them on his own. I really think you need the aid of a counselor instead of psychoanalyzing him and guiding the process yourself. Also, you went from stating that he was out and you have had enough and now you want to "see where it goes." That's what you did all the other times. I get the wanting to respect him as the father of your child, but he gave no respect to you and downright abandoned your child. he took it OUT on your child.

 

Your marriage will not succeed in a healthy way if you control the process--- pull teeth to try to get a reasonable explanation out of him, act as his counselor/life coach and then kid yourself that all you need to do is be kind and be loving and he'll go through this miraculous 60 day process. If that is so, all he will do is learn to hide things better or just behave for awhile but he won't change.

 

To truly change, someone needs to hit rock bottom and to do it on their own and not have a wife or parent guiding their process. Rock bottom might mean totally losing you, at the very least sleeping at a relatives and coparenting with you or sleeping in the basement and not having access to your body or your counsel. Any 12 step program will tell you that the person has to be ready to realize they have a problem and seek help on their own. If someone else identifies and tells them what to do -- it does not stick.

[ThatwasThen]

You pulled teeth for answers - he did not offer them on his own. I really think you need the aid of a counselor instead of psychoanalyzing him and guiding the process yourself. Also, you went from stating that he was out and you have had enough and now you want to "see where it goes." That's what you did all the other times. I get the wanting to respect him as the father of your child, but he gave no respect to you and downright abandoned your child. he took it OUT on your child.

 

Your marriage will not succeed in a healthy way if you control the process--- pull teeth to try to get a reasonable explanation out of him, act as his counselor/life coach and then kid yourself that all you need to do is be kind and be loving and he'll go through this miraculous 60 day process. If that is so, all he will do is learn to hide things better or just behave for awhile but he won't change.

 

To truly change, someone needs to hit rock bottom and to do it on their own and not have a wife or parent guiding their process. Rock bottom might mean totally losing you, at the very least sleeping at a relatives and coparenting with you or sleeping in the basement and not having access to your body or your counsel. Any 12 step program will tell you that the person has to be ready to realize they have a problem and seek help on their own. If someone else identifies and tells them what to do -- it does not stick.

I'll quote this because it's what most of us have been trying to tell you for the last two/three pages.

 

Good luck but do yourself a favor and quit trying to control outcomes yet again. Leave him alone after you've told him that he has 60 days to book himself into a therapist who is actually trained to help people to come to terms with their past. You have tried to control in the past and it didn't work. If he gives you some song and dance about how much you're the sane one or the like and that he doesn't need therapy then he's just telling you what you want to hear and he's just going to learn to hide his addiction better.

[Jibralta]

If he really could figure out and express why he did what he did, and tell me about all the ways he is messed up, he probably wouldn't have been doing what he was doing to begin with. He has a problem, and needs tools to help him manage how he is feeling in an appropriate manner.

 

I guarantee that he is capable of figuring out and expressing what he did, and why he did it.

 

He knows that as long as he keeps playing dumb, you will believe he is dumb.

 

It's easier to believe that he is an imbecile than it is to come to grips with a frightening alternative: You may have attached yourself to a scoundrel who will abandon his family in order to serve his own purposes.

[boltnrun]

My best friend kept "forgiving" her cheating husband over and over because she decided he was "depressed". She even told me "HOW can I abandon him when he's HURTING???!!!" Yeah, I bet it hurt real bad when he was sticking his penis into all those other women's vaginas. Hurt real bad.

 

Unfortunately, someone WAS hurting, but it sure wasn't him. Sadly, it was her.

 

The only reason she ended up (very reluctantly) divorcing him is because he no longer even tried to hide his affairs. He flaunted them. She divorced him because she was embarrassed that the world knew he had zero respect for her, their marriage or their children. Not because she'd had enough and wanted to get her lost self-esteem back.

 

Her whole worth was tied up in being married to him. She felt like she'd lose everything if she didn't have the identity as his wife.

 

Now, after the divorce, she's diagnosed him as "narcissistic" and "abusive". She's constantly quoting abuse survivors on Facebook, touting herself as a "survivor" of an abusive man. Nope, he was just a selfish, lying cheater and she was that woman who would rather be married to a man like that than be "alone".

 

Unless and until your husband admits what he did, admits it was wrong, agrees to intensive therapy (after all, from what you wrote he has a lot of issues to work through and so far his methods of dealing with it [cheating] have done nothing to resolve those issues) and sincerely WANTS to get his issues resolved, this pattern will most likely repeat. The losers? You and your children, if he doesn't do all of the above.

[lostandhurt]

Having a less than perfect upbringing or a crappy childhood is not a reason to treat people the way he has treated your family. Ignorance is also no excuse. Even the most simple minded person knows that lying and cheating is wrong.

 

Reading your words it looks like you are trying to find a way to forgive him and actually help him find excuses. The ONLY way he will grow is if he discovers these things all on his own. What you are doing by pulling teeth is asking and then answering your own questions and he is agreeing with you to make this go away.

 

Setting deadlines for him is also you running the show instead of putting it all on him. Like a child that puts off homework until the last day and wouldn't have done it at all if they were not forced to do it. The child never learns to handle their own responsibilities and therefore continues to shirk them and let others guide them instead of making their own way.

 

Your husband is broken to be sure and needs therapy to ever hope to be able to call himself a real man and good husband/father but if you force him to go he will not grow, he will just go through the motions until you forgive him. If you ask what he intends to do to begin to fix himself and his answers are not good enough simply tell him that. "I am sorry that is not good enough" "Try again" This is not a Do It Yourself kind of thing and time is not on his side.

 

Stay strong and do not fall for his poor me routine. He knew exactly what he was doing when he did it and could have stopped anytime.

 

Mentally you have to draw a line in the sand that you will not cross. You have seen this far to many times on here and I bet if you read some of your responses to other people in similar situations you would see some solid advice from you that you should follow right now.

 

Good luck

Lost

[tattoobunnie]

Everyone's words here from yesterday have been like getting hit with a ton of bricks.

 

Last night, I was telling him that I hated him and I wanted him to leave, and we were better off divorcing. He told me that he has been trouble talking because all he wants to do is scream at me, and he doesn't want to scream at me. He says that he takes full responsibility, and is doing everything in his power to get into and stay into a regimen of not being a lying lazy selfish sh*t he has been from cleaning to cooking everything on time to engaging with the kids. And he knows he has a lot of work ahead of him and will be finding a therapist to work with.

 

As much as people are telling me to kick him out, I need to see what he does. I don't know if he will ever do it again. I don't have any immediate answers.

 

I think people are assuming I've forgiven him - I haven't. I still don't get why he couldn't pick up our kid at the bus stop. I just am not able to take it out on the kids while he and I figure things out.

[abitbroken]

Everyone's words here from yesterday have been like getting hit with a ton of bricks.

 

Last night, I was telling him that I hated him and I wanted him to leave, and we were better off divorcing. He told me that he has been trouble talking because all he wants to do is scream at me, and he doesn't want to scream at me. He says that he takes full responsibility, and is doing everything in his power to get into and stay into a regimen of not being a lying lazy selfish sh*t he has been from cleaning to cooking everything on time to engaging with the kids. And he knows he has a lot of work ahead of him and will be finding a therapist to work with.

 

As much as people are telling me to kick him out, I need to see what he does. I don't know if he will ever do it again. I don't have any immediate answers.

 

I think people are assuming I've forgiven him - I haven't. I still don't get why he couldn't pick up our kid at the bus stop. I just am not able to take it out on the kids while he and I figure things out.

 

Ok =-- he is again making bs excuses "he can't talk because he only wants to scream" What on earth could you have done that merits him feeling like he wants to scream? that is not a response of someone being humble -- that is someone making another excuse on why he can't spit things out.

 

He really needs to go to counseling instead of this tattoobunnie bootcamp - where he scrubs the floors, makes dinner, spends more time with the kids -- only works on the surface and is only temporary. its like getting someone who hates their job to hustle faster or hovering over someone while they take a math test.

 

You need to set up a boundary with him --- you need to not be having sex with him. If you give him sex and there he is sleeping right next to you - i guarantee that he doesn't think he'll actually lose you like all the other times. It is not taking it out on the kids if he sleeps separately. you are not taking it out on the kids if you both have space away from eachother for even a week to cool down if he feels he wants to scream at you. It is not taking it out on the kids if you make arrangements ahead of time on who picks the kids up, etc, and have a planned breather. Its worst for the kids with mom and dad yelling at eachother, mom cracking the whip at dad, etc...

 

You have "seen what he does" several times now and there have been no consequences.

 

There are some good books and tapes on setting and enforcing boundaries that may be helpful - you put a line in the sand and basically have erased it.