Coffee with coworker

[kim42]

Hey everyone,

 

I thought I'd share my recent situation with a coworker.

 

I work for a very big company, with lots of different departments, and last week a coworker from a different department, different team that I had never met before asked me for coffee during work hours. I was a little surprised since we didn't know each other.

 

A month ago, he asked me to do something on a project he was working on - by email. He then went on holidays so I communicated with his manager. He came back from holidays last week and sent me a message to ask about the project. He then asked me for coffee. I said yes because I'm still rather new in the company so I thought it'd be nice to meet new people. The project was already finalized by then and we are not working on a new one for now.

 

He made sure we would be at the office on the same day (we can work from home too). He sent me a message the day before to confirm, and on the day of he confirmed the time. I had coffee, or was supposed to have one, with other coworkers in the past but most of them were too busy or just canceled so I was thinking he might cancel too but he didn't.

 

When we finally met this week for the first time, it was very nice, he was very talkative and funny, and I think there was some flirting too. I also realized that we had actually met already before - it was at our Christmas party, we talked very briefly and I'm not sure he remembers.

 

While we were drinking coffee, he invited me to go for drinks after work with him and his team the next time they go out. I said yes but I don't know anyone from his team except for him, and I don't feel very comfortable in groups when I don't know many people.

 

At the same time, I'd like to get to know this coworker a little better, he seems like a nice guy.

 

Also, after coffee I went back to my desk and he sent me a message shortly after that it was nice to meet me.

 

Do you guys think I should go for drinks with his team? I genuinely feel awkward in settings when everyone knows each other and I'm the new one.

 

Thank you! 

 

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, kim42 said:

.While we were drinking coffee, he invited me to go for drinks after work with him and his team the next time they go out. I said yes Also, after coffee I went back to my desk and he sent me a message shortly after that it was nice to meet me.

That's good news. You already said yes so go and have a good time. Maybe he's just friendly, maybe he wants to get to know you better but either way it seems like a good idea to join them when they go out.

[Batya33]

Definitely go.  Great time to get out of your comfort zone and it's just drinks so you don't have to stay long, right?  I really liked reading your post and am so glad you had a good time with him!

[mylolita]

Kim! 
 

You must go!!! 
 

What’s the worst that can happen? I think you’ll really enjoy yourself! This guy sounds very nice! He quite obviously likes you! 
 

x

[Coily]

Go! Just go.

It's a good way to network too. Sometimes you just have to put yourself out there.

[Kwothe28]

I would say yes. There is no harm in meeting coworkers and talking. It will get you more comfortable with them around and if you ever need help at work, you could branch out and get some help from them.

However, I do need to warn you. No man EVER, is that attentive to details unless they like somebody. We barely even remember what we had for breakfast lol. That guy likes you. A lot. So, be cautious about that fact. Workplace romances, even if they are one- sided, can be messy.

[Jaunty]

Yes, you should definitely go.  

It's very good to push yourself outside of your comfort zone regularly, in safe ways, and this is one of those.   

 

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, kim42 said:

Do you guys think I should go for drinks with his team? I genuinely feel awkward in settings when everyone knows each other and I'm the new one.

Oh, yes, go! You can befriend the guy and network with the team members, especially if there are similar projects in the pipeline where you might be working with that team again.

Enjoy!

[DarkCh0c0]

Eeeeekk. Go!! He sounds like he likes you a lot. Enjoy it 😄😍

[kim42]

Thanks guys for encouraging me to go, it's definitely out of my comfort zone but I'll go and keep you posted!

[boltnrun]

7 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Thanks guys for encouraging me to go, it's definitely out of my comfort zone but I'll go and keep you posted!

Kim, I met two of my closest friends when they and a couple other coworkers went out to eat after work.

The story is, one of my coworkers asked me if the wings place nearby was open 24 hours (she asked me because I drove past it on my way home every morning).  It was.  Then, because she's a nice young lady, she politely invited me to join her and the other coworkers.  I understood she was only asking me to be polite but I decided to go ahead and go.  We all hit it off and had a really fun time.  After that me and two of them started hanging out outside of work more and more frequently.  And now one of them is my best friend (after my lifelong bestie) and the other one and I are good friends too.

[Andrina]

I'm glad you're going. You say that people in that country only socialize because of knowing each other since youth, or through work. Since you didn't grow up there, then work apparently will be where you might find a crowd to hang out with.

Because I was once a military wife, and then ended up uprooting  to another town because of my own work, I do not live where I was born, nor where I spent my teen years. The majority of my friends were gained through work because of how my life transpired. Always in a continuous evolution as friendships tend to be, but that's okay.

[ShySoul]

He seems like a nice and sincere person. I hope you have fun going.

Personally, I don't think it's always good to push outside your comfort zone. If doing so is going to make you more nervous and unsure of yourself, it might not be a good thing. The couple of times I've been forced into social events with co-workers (both ones I know and don't know), didn't go well and made me want to rush out as soon as I could. It's called a comfort zone for a reason. When you are feeling comfortable you naturally feel more confident and can be the best you. 

In the future, if you want to get to know one person, maybe take more time to get to know them, one on one? That way you can really talk to them instead of having the conversation split between a whole bunch of people. Do what feels right for you, what you want to do. You know what you can handle and what you can't. So trust yourself.

Regardless, good luck. 

[LootieTootie]

Go Kim! You never know? You might actually meet some great people who you can network with or a special someone 😉

[kim42]

15 hours ago, ShySoul said:

He seems like a nice and sincere person. I hope you have fun going.

Personally, I don't think it's always good to push outside your comfort zone. If doing so is going to make you more nervous and unsure of yourself, it might not be a good thing. The couple of times I've been forced into social events with co-workers (both ones I know and don't know), didn't go well and made me want to rush out as soon as I could. It's called a comfort zone for a reason. When you are feeling comfortable you naturally feel more confident and can be the best you. 

In the future, if you want to get to know one person, maybe take more time to get to know them, one on one? That way you can really talk to them instead of having the conversation split between a whole bunch of people. Do what feels right for you, what you want to do. You know what you can handle and what you can't. So trust yourself.

Regardless, good luck. 

I know it's good for me to get out of my comfort zone from time to time, and I think I can always leave earlier if I don't feel comfortable.

I also think it probably takes some time to suggest hanging out with a coworker one on one after work, especially if you don't know each other that well.

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I know it's good for me to get out of my comfort zone from time to time, and I think I can always leave earlier if I don't feel comfortable.

I also think it probably takes some time to suggest hanging out with a coworker one on one after work, especially if you don't know each other that well.

Yes for sure -obviously not wayyyyyy out but this seems like a baby-moderate step out.

[boltnrun]

If I never stepped outside of my comfort zone I'd still be huddled on my couch in the fetal position too frightened to step foot outside because of my Covid based anxiety. I would never have taken a job that required me to speak in front of groups when I truly feared doing so, which means I would have lost out on another great job I had for six years. I wouldn't have gone along when some coworkers I barely knew invited me to join them only out of politeness, which means I wouldn't have made my dear friend who I truly cherish. 

If you feel that uncomfortable you can always excuse yourself early by saying you have to attend to something at home.

[smackie9]

Even if it isn't for romantic reasons, it would benefit your career to network with as many people as possible from your company. And I doubt he would leave you hanging there, while he makes his rounds with his team members. He's gonna make sure you feel welcomed. 

[kim42]

So it's been 2 weeks since I had coffee with this coworker and no new updates since then. We have talked a little but mostly about work. He didn't mention hanging out with his team again. I thought he might be interested but pobably he was just being friendly.

[TeeDee]

I think you should assume he was being cordial.  You are new to the company & it was coffee during work hours.  I would assume that was about work not romantic interest.  

If he or anybody else invites you to get drinks with the team after work, I think you should go.  I get that you feel nervous when you don't know many people but the way you get to know people is to show up at events like this.  Networking is a skill.  It's one everyone needs to master if they hope to advance in their careers & life.  You go & have 1 drink.  You talk shop maybe some superficial small talk.  Do not get into anything deeply personal.  Have no more than 2 alcoholic drinks (fewer is better).  Smile. Ask Questions.  Listen more than you talk.  Don't be the 1st to leave but not the last either. 

[kim42]

1 hour ago, TeeDee said:

I think you should assume he was being cordial.  You are new to the company & it was coffee during work hours.  I would assume that was about work not romantic interest.  

If he or anybody else invites you to get drinks with the team after work, I think you should go.  I get that you feel nervous when you don't know many people but the way you get to know people is to show up at events like this.  Networking is a skill.  It's one everyone needs to master if they hope to advance in their careers & life.  You go & have 1 drink.  You talk shop maybe some superficial small talk.  Do not get into anything deeply personal.  Have no more than 2 alcoholic drinks (fewer is better).  Smile. Ask Questions.  Listen more than you talk.  Don't be the 1st to leave but not the last either. 

Thank you, alcohol is not a problem, I'm originally from Eastern Europe so I don't get drunk easily 😁

I don't tend to share personal information with strangers or people I barely know so that should be okay.

People at my company are not very friendly in general, everyone kind of minds their own business and people from different teams usually don't really mingle so that's why I was surprised when he suggested coffee. We didn' talk about work things during coffee at all but yeah, I take it that he was just friendly.

 

[Jaunty]

What was the coffee situation like?  Were other people there?   If you didn't talk about work or personal things what was the conversation like?  Just curious.

[kim42]

18 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

What was the coffee situation like?  Were other people there?   If you didn't talk about work or personal things what was the conversation like?  Just curious.

It was just me and him sitting at the table, some people came to the same room to get coffee but we didn't talk to them, they just said hello.

So it was the first time we met in person so we exchanged basic information about each other - I'm a foreigner here so he asked me a lot of questions about my situation - how long I've been here for, where I live in the city and so on, and then we talked about traveling because he visited Eastern Europe before. He then invited me to join his team for drinks and at the end he asked me what time I usually finish work because he and his team usually have to stay late in the evening.

[TeeDee]

It sounds professional not romantic.  

[catfeeder]

One tip to consider if you want to make some work friends is to let the people around you know that at 3PM you'll be going for a walk around the outside of the building, weather permitting, if they'd like to join you to stretch their legs. You could let the guy know, too, in case he or any members of his team would like to join.

I just stayed consisted with my 3PM, even alone. Then one or two started to join. Then a few more. And more. We ended up dividing into two groups, the turtles and the rabbits, depending on the pace people wished to go. Anyone could join at any point along our routes, and we made lots of new friends this way.

HR heard about it and got everyone in the company pedometers. Twice annually, they sponsored a step contest for a full month. Top steppers won money or days off or whatever.

It all started with a few walks.