Coffee with coworker

[kim42]

38 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

It sounds professional not romantic.  

Yeah maybe I simply misread the situation. I think it was the flirty vibe that is hard to describe and the 'nice to meet you' message that he sent after coffee that made me think he might be interested. No big deal though.

[TeeDee]

I have found over the years that many people mis-read any attention from an opposite sex person as romantic attraction.  Friendly to some people is light flirting.  

Especially in the work place absent an overt specific request for a date, my advice is don't assume.  

Be cordial going forward but otherwise just do your job.  

[kim42]

14 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

I have found over the years that many people mis-read any attention from an opposite sex person as romantic attraction.  Friendly to some people is light flirting.  

Especially in the work place absent an overt specific request for a date, my advice is don't assume.  

Be cordial going forward but otherwise just do your job.  

That shouldn't be an issue, I have very limted contact with him as far as work, we only worked on one project and then my manager gave me a little task that involved several people, including him. But otherwise we don't work together and I don't see him at all because we can also work from home so most people don't go to the office.

[rainbowsandroses]

One thing that has not been mentioned is that it's possible he had an interest in you and as such invited you out.  Yes it was with a group but that may have been to lessen whatever awkwardness there may have been and to get more a "feel" for you out of the office and in a social setting.

While you were talking one-on-one, he got to know you and whatever interest he had initially had dissipated and he decided it best you remain strictly co-workers.

Just because a man asks a woman out indicating some level of interest, that doesn't mean that interest will still be there after spending more time and getting to know her.  Same for women about men. 

If this were an online situation, it what's known as a "one and done," it's very common.

Again a possibility. 

It's all speculation without speaking to HIM.

 

 

[kim42]

21 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

One thing that has not been mentioned is that it's possible he had an interest in you and as such invited you out.  Yes it was with a group but that may have been to lessen whatever awkwardness there may have been and to get more a "feel" for you out of the office and in a social setting.

While you were out and talking one-on-one, he got to know you and whatever interest he had initially had dissipated and he decided it best you remain strictly co-workers.

Just because a man asks a woman out indicating some level of interest, that doesn't mean that interest will still be there after spending more time and getting to know her.  Same for women about men. 

If this were an online situation, it what's known as a "one and done," it's very common.

Again a possibility. 

It's all speculation without speaking to HIM.

 

 

Just to clarify, we had coffee during work hours, we didn't hang out outside work. While we were talking during our coffee meet, he invited me to join him and his team for drinks after work. But that didn't happen yet.

But yeah, it's totally possible that he changed his mind in the meantime for whatever reason.

[rainbowsandroses]

Kim, do YOU have romantic interest in him?  This wasn't clear from your posts, at least not to me....

 

[kim42]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Kim, do YOU have romantic interest in him?  This wasn't clear from your posts, at least to me....

 

I have seen him only once so I can't say that I like him or something, but yeah I'd like to get to know him better and maybe spend some time outside work, we had a good time during our coffee break, he was funny and easy to talk to.

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, kim42 said:

, he invited me to join him and his team for drinks after work. But that didn't happen yet.

That's ok. Maybe they only go out every so often and when they do, you'll hear from him. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

One thing that has not been mentioned is that it's possible he had an interest in you and as such invited you out.  Yes it was with a group but that may have been to lessen whatever awkwardness there may have been and to get more a "feel" for you out of the office and in a social setting.

While you were talking one-on-one, he got to know you and whatever interest he had initially had dissipated and he decided it best you remain strictly co-workers.

Just because a man asks a woman out indicating some level of interest, that doesn't mean that interest will still be there after spending more time and getting to know her.  Same for women about men. 

If this were an online situation, it what's known as a "one and done," it's very common.

Again a possibility. 

It's all speculation without speaking to HIM.

 

 

This is what I thought as well.

[LootieTootie]

5 hours ago, kim42 said:

I have seen him only once so I can't say that I like him or something, but yeah I'd like to get to know him better and maybe spend some time outside work, we had a good time during our coffee break, he was funny and easy to talk to.

I don't know ..but if a guy is funny and I want to know him better, I would probably reach out and ask "hey, when are we getting drinks with your coworkers?" 😁

I know that's just me and not you Kim. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, I wouldn't worry. But yea, I love when anyone can make me laugh and feel at ease. 

Might be too much but I've always felt that if you want to find someone, you gotta be proactive too. And yes, that means doing/saying something you normally wouldn't. I didnt meet anyone significant doing meetup groups - and some of those meetup groups were obviously for dating under hobbies/interests -  but I did meet a lot of interesting and amazing people just pretending to be something I am not.

[kim42]

3 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

I don't know ..but if a guy is funny and I want to know him better, I would probably reach out and ask "hey, when are we getting drinks with your coworkers?" 😁

I know that's just me and not you Kim. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, I wouldn't worry. But yea, I love when anyone can make me laugh and feel at ease. 

Might be too much but I've always felt that if you want to find someone, you gotta be proactive too. And yes, that means doing/saying something you normally wouldn't. I didnt meet anyone significant doing meetup groups - and some of those meetup groups were obviously for dating under hobbies/interests -  but I did meet a lot of interesting and amazing people just pretending to be something I am not.

I like this and honestly wish I was more proactive in these situations. I'm just worrried it would be too much since I've only seen him once.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, kim42 said:

I like this and honestly wish I was more proactive in these situations. I'm just worrried it would be too much since I've only seen him once.

It's too much if you ask him if he wants to come to your place for a home cooked meal wink wink but asking about the coworkers -sounds run of the mill to me.

[kim42]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

It's too much if you ask him if he wants to come to your place for a home cooked meal wink wink but asking about the coworkers -sounds run of the mill to me.

Thank you, it's akways good to hear a different point of view, I think I'll try to be more proactive this time, instead of just waiting for him to make a move.

[Sindy_0311]

12 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

Might be too much but I've always felt that if you want to find someone, you gotta be proactive too.

I don’t know. I don’t believe in being proactive this way. I had a date once with a guy who works same field, knows my boss etc… we initially started talking together on an app until he suggested to have diner together. We had a lovely evening, talking a lot about work, travels and our lives in general. He never reached out after that if not for work purpose. I reached out once and he didn’t follow up with the conversation. We never had a second date (that was 6 month ago). I learnt after that he was going through a difficult time. 

Also met this guy, the famous coach two weeks ago, we have acquaintances in commun. The date/meet was great too, but outside of wishing me well for my surgery last week, he didn’t reach out or asked me out again and its ok. He has his own reasons. (Maybe his recent breakup) The thing is, outside of being open, kind and answer to texts/calls, I think women shouldnt be proactive after the first meet. In your case, the guy knows he has access to you, he can text you and suggest going out to this after work drink without taking the risk of being rejected or coming on to strong and even like this he doesn’t do it. He had the balls to ask for coffee right? And now that it should be easier for him to see you again, he makes no move. I would take as a « not that interested. » at least for now.

For me, a good way to approach these situations that seem to lead nowhere is to consider that I’m planting a seed… this is my point: you go out with a man, he learns to know you better, he might enjoy you, but for whatever reason (recent heartbreak, commun work environnement or him struggling with anything in his life or better dating options) he isn’t willing to go further for now… Maybe in a few month he will be ready to date you, you never know. But most important is to take every opportunity to plant a seed… Now, this doesn’t mean entertaining men through text or anything during months in hope of something coming out of it. You go on a date and if they don’t ask for a second one, you step back… IMO me it’s a healthier approach. 

[boltnrun]

But @Sindy_0311, he did suggest another get together, albeit a group outing rather than a date. 

I would reach out to ask if the details had been set. If he's vague or noncommittal then I wouldn't ask again. 

[rainbowsandroses]

18 hours ago, kim42 said:

While we were talking during our coffee meet, he invited me to join him and his team for drinks after work. But that didn't happen yet.

@kim42 how did you respond to his invite? 

For me, I feel there is some context missing to accurately know why he hasn't followed up.

Such as your behavior after the coffee meet.  Were you friendly?  A bit flirty?  As flirty as one can be or should be at the office but hopefully you know what I mean.

Is there a possibility that he, in HIS mind, found you to be unenthusiastic or even a bit standoffish?

I'm also Eastern European (second generation) and have been told I come across that way sometimes without intending to. Or used to.

That was years ago, now I'm the opposite!  Lol   

But it works out better for me; I'm not as anxious or shy as I used to be and as such, men can read me better.

Anyway as on any forum, we are only hearing your side.  

I'm not suggesting you did or are doing anything wrong but during your coffee meet, he invited you out and now after the meet, it seems to have fizzled. 

There's a reason why and I'm just wondering if HE sensed a lack of interest and/or enthusiasm on your part.  After the coffee meet.

Not accusing, just asking if you think it's possible. 

[Wiseman2]

On 4/4/2024 at 1:25 PM, kim42 said:

, he invited me to go for drinks after work with him and his team the next time they go out. I said yes but I don't know anyone from his team except for him, and I don't feel very comfortable in groups when I don't know many people.

 

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@kim42 how did you respond to his invite? 

For me, I feel there is some context missing 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

 

I think I will wait for Kim to respond with more context.

Such as how they interacted in the days following the meet.  His behavior, her behavior.

But thanks!!! 

[Sindy_0311]

47 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

But @Sindy_0311, he did suggest another get together, albeit a group outing rather than a date. 

I would reach out to ask if the details had been set. If he's vague or noncommittal then I wouldn't ask again. 

She already said yes. So I would let him reach out when he knows the details. (I assume it’s not the case yet, so no need to ask…) just be patient. 

30 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

There's a reason why and I'm just wondering if HE sensed a lack of interest and/or enthusiasm on your part.  After the coffee meet.

I think it’s always dangerous to say that she might haven’t shown enough interest. This is exactly what leads women to pursue men that aren’t that into them. OP showed up for the coffee, she engaged in conversation, laughed with him, accepted the after work drink… what else/more should she do?? Nothing IMO. 

[rainbowsandroses]

32 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

OP showed up for the coffee, she engaged in conversation, laughed with him, accepted the after work drink… what else/more should she do?? Nothing IMO. 

I dunno, be friendly?  That's what I was asking.  

Maybe I missed it but all I read is they met for coffee, engaged in convo, he invited her out with his group, she said yes, it's been two weeks and there has been no follow up.

I think it's important to look at our own behavior and the covert messages we send to others through our behavior.

Again for me I've had men tell me, due to my shyness and anxiety, they couldn't get a read on me and assumed I wasn't interested.

That's why I asked.  I am certainly not suggesting she chase him.

But be open, be friendly, give him a green light so he knows you're still open and interested in going out again. 

I know some women who believe they don't need to do a damn thing but "exist" and a man should pursue them, I don't agree with that at all.  It's a form of entitlement, imo. .

 

[Sindy_0311]

49 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

But be open, be friendly, give him a green light so he knows you're still open and interested in going out again. 

IMO she already gave him a green light, twice: first when she accepted coffee and second when she said yes for the after work. At this stage ( two coworkers  who has coffee once) I would leave it at that, be cautious and not try to push things. 

[Sindy_0311]

56 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Again for me I've had men tell me, due to my shyness and anxiety, they couldn't get a read on me and assumed I wasn't interested.

Just being curious… were you dating these guys? 

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Again for me I've had men tell me, due to my shyness and anxiety, they couldn't get a read on me

I get that ALL the time. And I agree with their perception, not because I'm anxious or shy, rather, just how I am.

I think Kim's case she gave numerous indicators that she's romantically attracted and he's not biting.

[rainbowsandroses]

14 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I think Kim's case she gave numerous indicators that she's romantically attracted and he's not biting.

^^Ok thanks, I'll read back I must've missed it, my bad. 

Kim, yeah since you gave him IOIs after your meet and he hasn't budged, he's lost interest for whatever reason.  It happens and no one is to blame. 

If me, I'd simply continue being professional at the office and that's it. 

Sorry this one didn't work out.

[kim42]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I think I will wait for Kim to respond with more context.

Such as how they interacted in the days following the meet.  His behavior, her behavior.

But thanks!!! 

So I said yes to his invite for drinks with his coworkers. That was the last time I saw him in person so we only interacted online afterwards.

As I said, he sent me a message right after coffee that it was nice to meet me. I replied that it was nice to meet him too.

Last week and this week we exchanged a few messages but it was only about work. He also messaged me to apologize that it took him longer to finish one task I was waiting for but again, it was just about work. His messages are friendly, with lots of emojis.

I work for a big company and we can also work from home so I have no idea when I'll see him next at the office.

I don't think I was cold during that coffee break, we talked very easily, there were no awkward pauses. It's hard for me to tell if I was flirty because I'm not sure if he would interpret it as flirting, but he did laugh at my jokes. I tend to be a little shy but overall the coffee break went really well, at least for me.