Coffee with coworker

[rainbowsandroses]

On 4/17/2024 at 2:04 PM, kim42 said:

I have seen him only once so I can't say that I like him or something, but yeah I'd like to get to know him better and maybe spend some time outside work, we had a good time during our coffee break, he was funny and easy to talk to.

@kim42 I had forgotten about this^ post but I am requoting it as we have now moved to the topic of overt indications of interest, touching and the like.   

You haven't even determined within yourself IF you like him (romantically speaking) so I wouldn't even be thinking of touching his arm or twirling your hair or doing anything that may mislead him into thinking you like him in a romantic way.   It's a slippery slope especially in the workplace.

For now, best to be friendly and engaging, smile (or if you're texting, then mirror him and send an emoji or two), and stay open to any future invites for coffee with his group or just the two of you.

This is your workplace so be very careful.  Touching one's body (even a light touch on the arm) may be OKAY for one person but not another.   In all likelihood he would probably think it's fine, however again you don't even know how YOU feel about him other than you'd like to get to know him and had an enjoyable time during your coffee meet.  My guess is HE is feeling the same way about you.

I do however think you need to do a bit more than "be polite," but again just keep it friendly, be engaging (even on text) and show some enthusiasm if that comes naturally to you.

I'm rooting for ya, keep us posted!!

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

12 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

This isn’t about it being anyone’s “job”. It’s simply about getting to know her new colleagues and taking the initiative to integrate since there may be an opportunity for it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. It isn’t offensive in any way for Kim to bring it up and make plans since she got the idea from her colleague. She doesn’t have to do anything, though, if she’d prefer not to. But nor is it wrong to initiate a get-together to meet colleagues and make friends; there’s no rule against Kim inviting the others out. I’d consider it to be a very friendly and lovely thing to do if I were one of her colleagues. 

I echo this^^ 100%.  This is not a dating situation, at least not yet and it may never be.  I still however believe being open, friendly and showing enthusiasm is a good thing, I do this with all my co-workers.

Versus simply being "polite," and talking "work" all the time.  I dunno, show some personality!  I only say this because again I used to be so anxious and shy, my true personality didn't come out until I knew people well and I came off as cold and standoffish; in high school I was given the nickname "ice queen" by some, that hurt!!

Because I was actually the exact opposite but I missed out on many social situations because of people's misperceptions about me.

So I forced myself.  I actually took acting lessons to break out of my shell and it helped a lot!!  I also went traveling through Europe and cross-country (USA) and forced myself to attend social situations that normally made me uncomfortable.

It all helped and I can honestly say I am a different person today because of it.  

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, kim42 said:

I'm actually not sure if I gave any indicators that I'm interested in him. I mean, I always accept coffee suggestions from coworkers, or I say yes to lunch or an after-work thing (if I'm free), for me it's a polite thing to do at work.

There's nothing wrong with being polite. If you have a more reserved demure personality that's fine. You don't have to become someone else just to get a date.

Please continue being true to yourself.a lol of men like shy and demure women so you don't needs classes to be something else. 

It's better to be a great version of yourself than some flirty juggling version of someone else you don't even want to be and doesn't mesh with your cultural surroundings or personal style. 

[rainbowsandroses]

Actually @kim42, Wiseman is right, always be your authentic self.  Real. 

The only reason I suggested challenging yourself to be more open and friendly was because as I've said I used to be extremely shy and it came across to some people (both men and women) as standoffish, and that worked against me.

Not just dating but with everything -  making new friendships, jobs, life!!!

You're shy too but your energy may be completely different! 

So yeah, you do YOU whatever makes you comfortable.  The right man for you will love that about you. 

Keep us posted!!

 

[Batya33]

I think people can be themselves and work on being more open and approachable and do that while being authentic -it's about stretching not drastic changes.  In my early 30s I worked on not being too chatty -it was hard work ! - but the benefits were massive.  It was actually my future husband who pointed it out to me -in the best most genuine caring way - (even though we didn't marry for another 11 years!).  I have friends who took improv lessons and public speaking lessons to improve social and professional interactions.

[kim42]

Thank you for all your input, it's great to read this!

Just to clarify - I'm not that shy and reserved, I think some people might have gotten the wrong idea. I'm not the biggest extrovert but I go out a lot and I like to socialize with my friends.

I am a little shy when it comes to men because I would rarely make the first move or show clear interest in the past. This has been changing though, I've been doing things differently lately and I enjoy it!

I'll see what I'll do in this situation with this coworker.

[kim42]

Update:

 

So we've been messaging a little about non-work related things. He said he likes the same type of wine as me and I mentioned that I like this one bar close to our office. I hoped he would get the hint and ask me out for a drink but he didn't. He keeps the conversation going and asks questions but doesn't mention hanging out so I guess I'll just let it go.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, kim42 said:

Update:

 

So we've been messaging a little about non-work related things. He said he likes the same type of wine as me and I mentioned that I like this one bar close to our office. I hoped he would get the hint and ask me out for a drink but he didn't. He keeps the conversation going and asks questions but doesn't mention hanging out so I guess I'll just let it go.

I think it’s GREAT that you followed up with the comment you did about the nearby bar. Whatever the outcome. Good for you. 

[yogacat]

Yeah, I feel like it's best to let things progress naturally and not try to force a hang out or date. I did once suggest to a man I had been talking to on the phone for a few weeks that had been calling me often that we should try to meet and he took the hint and we had a one-on-one dinner.

But then again, I didn't really have a romantic thing for him at the time so it was a bit easier to suggest it without feeling any expectations.

Sounds like a good conversation though, and who knows, he sounds comfortable talking to you about personal things, so maybe a hang out will happen in the future. 

[Batya33]

OP I don’t think he’s interested in dating you or having a personal relationship outside the office. But I think he likes being work friends and making new work friends. 

[kim42]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

Yeah, I feel like it's best to let things progress naturally and not try to force a hang out or date. I did once suggest to a man I had been talking to on the phone for a few weeks that had been calling me often that we should try to meet and he took the hint and we had a one-on-one dinner.

But then again, I didn't really have a romantic thing for him at the time so it was a bit easier to suggest it without feeling any expectations.

Sounds like a good conversation though, and who knows, he sounds comfortable talking to you about personal things, so maybe a hang out will happen in the future. 

Yeah maybe but honestly I don't feel like investing any more energy in this. After I mentioned the bar, he just asked me which bar it is so I guess he's not interested in hanging out after work.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

Yeah maybe but honestly I don't feel like investing any more energy in this. After I mentioned the bar, he just asked me which bar it is so I guess he's not interested in hanging out after work.

Don't worry about it. It's not really "investing" because you're just talking as co-workers at this point. Also he already invited you with his team so clearly he doesn't want to be inappropriate and leap at asking for a one-on-one date. There's nothing to lose here.  Talking about local places like bars sounds like standard small talk. There's no reason to think it was a hint. 

[yogacat]

3 hours ago, kim42 said:

Yeah maybe but honestly I don't feel like investing any more energy in this. After I mentioned the bar, he just asked me which bar it is so I guess he's not interested in hanging out after work.

Agree.

For me, I suggested we meet because he seemed like an introversive person but was calling and texting me frequently. He initially wanted to be introduced to me and asked my friend if it was alright if he reached out.

Never know with these things. 

With co-workers it is always a little risky because you have to work together and also see each other every day. I think he probably just wants to keep things casual and friendly, and that's totally okay.

If you're not interested in interacting with him on just a platonic level, it's totally fine to let things fizzle out.

You're a fantastic catch and the world is your oyster!

[Batya33]

Kim I wanted to tell you this story - I was a 20 something intern at a huge company.  Early 90s There were about 20 of us -same age-ish.  One of them massively flirted with me and was very very handsome. And even a little younger than me.  I was totally single. It was obvious to everyone he was flirting.  So one day I asked him if he wanted to go for lunch during the workday -just to the pizza place down the block. He said yes.  And - once outside the office -he was - stiff/awkward -and then mentioned his girlfriend at lunch. I never described it as a date and I didn't make a fool out of myself -but there you go -who the heck knows what the deal with him was -I was just glad I found out before I felt embarrassed.  

[kim42]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't worry about it. It's not really "investing" because you're just talking as co-workers at this point. Also he already invited you with his team so clearly he doesn't want to be inappropriate and leap at asking for a one-on-one date. There's nothing to lose here.  Talking about local places like bars sounds like standard small talk. There's no reason to think it was a hint. 

That's interesting, I thought that in this context, that we both said we like the same type of wine, and then I mentioned the bar, it was obvious that I was hinting at going to that bar with him.

[kim42]

9 hours ago, yogacat said:

Agree.

For me, I suggested we meet because he seemed like an introversive person but was calling and texting me frequently. He initially wanted to be introduced to me and asked my friend if it was alright if he reached out.

Never know with these things. 

With co-workers it is always a little risky because you have to work together and also see each other every day. I think he probably just wants to keep things casual and friendly, and that's totally okay.

If you're not interested in interacting with him on just a platonic level, it's totally fine to let things fizzle out.

You're a fantastic catch and the world is your oyster!

I get it can be tricky with co-workers. Just to give some context - we have a very flexible policy in my company, we can work from home so people go to the office only from time to time, so it's not like we see each other every day. Also, our office is in a big building and we don't sit on the same floor.

[boltnrun]

7 hours ago, kim42 said:

That's interesting, I thought that in this context, that we both said we like the same type of wine, and then I mentioned the bar, it was obvious that I was hinting at going to that bar with him.

I find it's much more effective to be direct rather than relying on someone to pick up on "hints". It might have had different results if you'd said something like "I love that wine! There this great wine bar that serves it. Maybe we can get a few people together and go there sometime." Sure, he might have replied with something vague like "Sure, we should do that sometime" but then you could have said "Let me check with a few people and get back to you."

However, it's fine the way it is. He knows how to get in touch with you. You never know what could happen next. 

[kim42]

10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I find it's much more effective to be direct rather than relying on someone to pick up on "hints". It might have had different results if you'd said something like "I love that wine! There this great wine bar that serves it. Maybe we can get a few people together and go there sometime." Sure, he might have replied with something vague like "Sure, we should do that sometime" but then you could have said "Let me check with a few people and get back to you."

However, it's fine the way it is. He knows how to get in touch with you. You never know what could happen next. 

Thank you, I agree it's better to be direct than dropping hints. I think I was hesitant to be direct because we've seen each other only once. I'm also not very good in organizing group outings so it didn't even cross my mind. 

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, kim42 said:

Thank you, I agree it's better to be direct than dropping hints. I think I was hesitant to be direct because we've seen each other only once. I'm also not very good in organizing group outings so it didn't even cross my mind. 

You can make it a goal to be more social. It's fairly easy to send out a group message that says "Hey everyone, how does meeting at Wine Bar next week sound? Anyone in?"

And don't be discouraged if you don't get any takers at first. Socializing, like anything else, takes practice. 

[Sindy_0311]

7 hours ago, kim42 said:

 it was obvious that I was hinting at going to that bar with him.

Yes I think it was obvious. but he didn't take that opportunity.

From my experience, when you mention a place or an activity to do in a conversation, men often jump at the opportunity to ask you out, it's a classic, such an opening. 

He said he would arrange a group outing, he didn't do yet... He didn't ask her out when she mentioned the bar, I think its fair to say that he is either lazy or not really interested... I wouldn't try anymore. 

[kim42]

39 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Yes I think it was obvious. but he didn't take that opportunity.

From my experience, when you mention a place or an activity to do in a conversation, men often jump at the opportunity to ask you out, it's a classic, such an opening. 

He said he would arrange a group outing, he didn't do yet... He didn't ask her out when she mentioned the bar, I think its fair to say that he is either lazy or not really interested... I wouldn't try anymore. 

Just to clarify - he didn't say he would arrange the group meeting, he said I should join him and his team when they go out next time.

But yeah, from my perspective the hint was obvious but based in some comments here, maybe not as much as I thought.

[rainbowsandroses]

My read on this Kim is we don't have enough information or context to know what he's thinking, whether he took your mentioning the bar as a 'hint' to ask you out or not.

You're co-workers and work mates.  That can be very tricky and quite different from meeting on a dating app or a singles event/meet up where the context is clear that you're both there to meet people to "date."

If you had met on an app or singles meet up, then I agree you gave him a "green light," a "window" to ask you out and he didn't take it.

But here?  In a work environment?  I don't think anything was obvious.

A lot of it also depends on body language and how you "vibe" (for lack of a better word).

The same conversation between two people can be interpreted in different ways depending on tone, inflection, energy etc.

Here again we have no idea about any of that.  All we have are words on a screen between co-workers that YOU felt were "hinting" but which he may have interpreted in a completely different way.

If this were me and of course we are all different but if me in the same situation, I would continue putting energy into our work friendship especially in light of the fact you're new to the area and seeking friends. 

Let things between you unfold naturally and organically, stay open to ALL possibilities.

Lower expectations and enjoy your co-worker friendship, you never know where it may lead, again stay open to all possibilities.

$.02.

 

 

 

 

[yogacat]

7 hours ago, kim42 said:

I get it can be tricky with co-workers. Just to give some context - we have a very flexible policy in my company, we can work from home so people go to the office only from time to time, so it's not like we see each other every day. Also, our office is in a big building and we don't sit on the same floor.

Thanks for the context!

Perhaps he would be less hesitant about any potential tension or awkwardness at work? You definitely don't want to be in a situation where you're unsure about someone's romantic interest. I wouldn't want to unintentionally find myself in a gray area between coworkers and something more if I'm interested in the guy. 

If you can put aside your interest in him, you could always go for drinks with his team and just focus on getting to know everyone. Not specifically in a romantic way but just as acquaintances. The other option is to just invite him for a one-on-one drinks. But, that's totally up to you and what you feel comfortable with. 

[Batya33]

I agree with Bolt that this is a great opportunity for you to get out of a comfort zone and for example plan outings with more regularity.  I agree it might have been vague -your hints -in the context of a work environment.

[kim42]

Thanks guys for your input, I realize that my hint might not have been as obvious as I thought.

I agree it's best to let it unfold naturally and just see what happens (if something happens).