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Unfortunately Money Is A Factor


boozybunny83
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I’m talking to a guy and he is an EMT and volunteer firefighter. He is also a veteran. To be honest, I’m trying to find a man with a pretty good paying job because I live in the most expensive state and I’d like to get married and buy a house in the next few years. I know EMT’s make very low hourly pay. I made more than an EMT even as a cashier. So my question is…do volunteer firefighters make any money? 

He seems to devote a lot of his time to be a volunteer firefighter…I think that’s wonderful but does this make him any money…? Because if not, I wonder why  he isn’t trying to be more ambitious to find better work with higher pay on his time off.  I feel like EMT work is not something someone can survive on or take care of a family? 

I’ve managed to get a great job and also had lots of job opportunities for higher paying salaries with my only prior experience being a cashier.

Unfortunately money is important and plays a factor in looking for a spouse for me. Also whether a man is more ambitious to make more money… In the past, men overlooked me because I was only a cashier and they had higher paying jobs and wanted a woman of similar caliber. Now here I am, having similar worries and thinking I should move on from this guy. 

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12 minutes ago, boozybunny83 said:

I’m talking to a guy and he is an EMT and volunteer firefighter.

You're just talking. Meet for coffee. You really don't know his bottom line at this point.

While having a family is important to you and that's ok, you don't know about investments, overall wealth etc. just from a job. Maybe he owns a house from family money, military hazard pay, good investments, etc.

 Most of all if he's content  with who he is and you're not, just don't go for a second date after a coffee meet.

Edited by Wiseman2
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Well, the word volunteer is defined as doing a task for no pay. So no, he's not getting paid to volunteer.

However, you know nothing about his finances. There's a YouTuber who I sometimes watch who has no job, but he had made some very lucrative investments with his Robin Hood account. So he is able to live on the interest from the proceeds of his investments.

Maybe this man inherited money or has a large settlement or is a veteran on a pension.

You could come right out and ask him to prove to you that he meets your financial requirements. Ask to see his bank statement and/or investment profile. Also ask for his credit score. 

Also, per your post a couple of days ago, aren't you currently unemployed? So he would need to prove he can support you in the style you prefer without you having to work.

Edited by boltnrun
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EMTs earn low income.  "Love doesn't pay the rent."

Other than character, money is important to me, too because naturally, I always think of the quality of life from a provider not only from my husband.  I supplement my husband's income.  I live in the suburbs, we have two sons and enjoy an established, settled life.  It's expensive to reside in coveted neighborhoods and enjoy a very comfortable lifestyle. 

Since you are now upwardly mobile, you can afford to become very picky and choosy.  Move up in your socioeconomic class and demographics.  That's where the high income earners are.  Your social life will expand the higher you go. 

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2 hours ago, boozybunny83 said:

In the past, men overlooked me because I was only a cashier and they had higher paying jobs and wanted a woman of similar caliber. Now here I am, having similar worries

^ Now you know what it feels like. 

You haven't worked for over a year.  Make that your starting point.  Find a good job which pays well so that you can show a future partner that you can hold your own and show that you too, are ambitious.  Until you get your own life sorted out and earning good money, let this guy go. I don't think he'll be wanting to sign up for taking care of you at this point.

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26 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Since you are now upwardly mobile,

She's actually unemployed and has been for a year according to her thread of a day or two ago.

That doesn't mean she can't insist on only dating men who earn large salaries. It might shrink the dating pool a bit, but she might be able to find a high earning man who wants a stay at home wife.

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If it’s important to you that your future spouse make a lot of money and that he wants to spend that money on buying a home - don’t assume - then date men with high paying jobs. Volunteer work is wonderful and laudable and speaks often of character and integrity. But it takes time and doesn’t pay bills or bring in more income although sometimes as in my experiences it can be very good for networking potential depending on what it is and who you interact with. 
These days I would think more men than in the 1950s era want a woman who either brings financial assets to the marriage-money she earned and saved - or who is going to resume working outside the home after working inside the home raising children and is interested in doing that at least part time.

Working raising kids is hard work and full time and requires often a sole income earner who can support that despite the savings on day care and Nannie’s and sitters. Certainly some women bring financial savings to the marriage to supplement the family income while working in the home and others get money from family to subsidize a full time parent.
 

 I believe it’s less men these days who look kindly on being the main breadwinner if there are no kids involved and being the one to subsidize buying a home so the wife can work for low pay or part time or not at all (meaning not raising kids ). 

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Meet him in person and see if there is any chemistry. Keep the meet up low key and see whether you can hold a decent conversation with him. You may find people try to conceal their income or how much they make or won't advertise it or disclose it openly, especially not on a dating app for reasons like this. Keep in mind someone with a high paying career may also be straddled with a lot of debt, something you also will not be privy to right away, or make poor financial decisions long term or have other personal/family/health issues that affect a future together. I think it helps to be humble but don't waste his time if you're this turned off so early.

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Well I think that unfortunately for you times have changed a lot (at least in Western societies) and these days there isn't that expectation anymore that men should earn all the money. 50+ years ago women didn’t really need to offer much or anything in terms of education or career in their marriage. They just needed to be a good housewife and I guess being pretty was a bonus. 

Nowadays there isn't as many gender roles and I think that if you're looking for a man who makes good money, you need to have something to offer too. It sounds like you feel entitled to get a well off man, but what do you have you can give too? If you only have work experience as a cashier and now you have no job at all, no offence but you aren't exactly a great catch yourself.

I think that a financially successful man would also want a wife who is well educated and has at least some kind of decent career. I could be wrong but it seems the only way a rich man would choose an unemployed or minimum wage earning woman is if she's really attractive. In other words I think you have something going for you too in order to attract the rich guys. If you don't have that then I think your standards are too high. You need to be realistic in what kinds of men will be interested in you.

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Tinydance is right in that if you're looking for a rich guy, what are you bringing to the table? Your own work wealth or earning potential? Celebrity status, even locally? Good connections or networking opportunities? Are you very attractive? 

You can't get something for nothing. 

When I used to date, I learned early on that men with higher earning power tend to expect more. I didn't like that - I didn't want to have a family, be responsible for all of the chores, or have my career take a backseat to his. It's a tradeoff. Through luck and some good choices, I make a lot of money now (6fig) and now can call my own shots in whatever I want to do. 

But if you value having a duo husband and wallet, that's fine but what are you offering him? 

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6 hours ago, boltnrun said:

She's actually unemployed and has been for a year according to her thread of a day or two ago.

That doesn't mean she can't insist on only dating men who earn large salaries. It might shrink the dating pool a bit, but she might be able to find a high earning man who wants a stay at home wife.

Or, a high income earning man and a wife who works, too.  Either or. 

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I would not be keen to date someone who was unemployed because it limits what we can do, so maybe you're lucky that he's considering you at all.  I certainly wouldn't want to be dating anyone who was so focused on how much money I had, rather than what I am like as a person.  For some people, earning a fortune isn't their priority as there are other things in life that are more important to them.  If this guy prioritises volunteering for the fire service, good for him.  I know someone who started as a volunteer firefighter and went on to get a paid job with them, so he might be thinking about that.  Anyhow, it doesn't sound like your values are going to align too well and you'd be better off trying to find a richer guy who thinks you have a lot to offer.

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I agree in the younger generations men are looking for women who support themselves. The last of the “ kept women” as an en masse  concept went out in the 80’s. My generation was the original latchkey kids because our moms were working in the 70’s and 80’s. We were babies in the 60’s and my mom worked then too. 

I am mid 50’s and have worked close to 40 years. I didn’t a few years because my disabled child needed help and we had moved and I was having a severe mental health crisis. My husband was glad to support me because I had always been a hardworking person and he needed me at home because as a military member away for about 8 continuous years he needed to know his home and wife and child were doing ok. 
 

When my job of 5 years disappeared I created my own job and re created it twice and made more than my original job. 
 

You have to be bright, think out of box, grab opportunities. This life is cutthroat especially now. You can’t rely on people to save you anymore. 

Edited by Seraphim
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I reside in an affluent, coveted residential neighborhood.  In order to afford my lifestyle, it requires a sizeable income.  My husband and I wouldn't have been able to afford our current house had we not bought our previous starter houses long ago.  We entered the housing market before prices skyrocketed and paid off our mortgage early.  Our property taxes are not high.  However, newcomers pay high property taxes.  We own our house free and clear. 

Fortunately, I was able to stay home for several years while my sons were babies and preschoolers.  It would've been impossible to stay home had my husband not earned an upper middle class income with a stable occupation.  Because the housing market and rents are prohibitively expensive nowadays, it requires two incomes in order to economically sustain many households. 

My mother was a single parent and I was a latchkey kid.  She taught me from an early age to be fiercely financially independent so I didn't need anyone to rely upon for my survival.  I seriously heeded her wise counsel and advice. 

I had dated some low income duds along the way.  They weren't going to amount to much in their future or they were mediocre.  I wanted the best and I got him.  Why?  Because I put myself there.  As I ascended in my career, suddenly I could afford to become very picky and choosy.  I wanted the caliber of men who could afford a very comfortable upper middle class lifestyle.  It's about matching demographic and socioeconomic class.  If you want a high income earner husband, you have to rise to their social class because that's where they exist.  You have to place yourself in their social circle in the first place. 

Love never conquers all.  That's a myth and save that for the movies. 

Of course character qualities are tantamount.  Money is very important because you have to foresee what type of standard of living you desire for your future.  Do you want a lifetime of hardship and struggle or do you prefer a secure and financially comfortable life? 

My sister and I married well. 

You'd better shop around.

 

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I also think you have to match in values. So if you want a house in the suburbs in an affluent neighborhood and of a certain size that’s a different matter than wanting to be a homeowner whether it’s an apartment or condo or townhouse or whether it’s in the burbs or a city.

 You seem to want to be a homeowner - not everyone does - I don’t despite having ownership of a home in our family (that we don’t live in). Be clear on what you “covet” because if beyond home ownership you also covet an affluent suburban neighborhood that’s yet another requirement on your list and might require you both to be higher income earners.  

I can afford that and other than when I was in my teens and watched all those family movies I never ever coveted a suburban lifestyle much less an affluent one.  Didn’t want to marry someone who was focused on that either but the educated professional men I met and dated (because I was one ) either didn’t want that either  or weren’t focused on it.

 These things are important to figure out early on.  Life goals including marriage and children and lifestyle and property ownership.


 Some people would prefer to spend money traveling the world with their spouse rather than spending  upwards of 20k on a condo kitchen renovation (as my friend is doing now ).  OP figure out what your musts are and what you bring to the table. 

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I can't speak for high earning men but speaking for myself, I make an upper/middle class income as a single woman. I would certainly date again if I could net myself a man that would stay home and take care of the house/cook/clean/do errands/be handy/do laundry/organize and then using all the other time to pursue his own hobbies/passions (not addictions) that I may not share but don't find unbearable. I know from past relationships that I loved it when I was "cared for" by partners domestically. 

It's a pipe dream but I know it doesn't exist as I also value other traits that are uncommon, so I am remaining single and I pay for a maid service and other things. 

The "kept spouse" with quite unequal dynamics is definitely not in vogue as it once was. Raise yourself higher to meet those who you want to reach. That's what it takes these days. 

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Taking care of a family means being an ample provider wherever you choose to live whether as an apartment tenant or residing in a desirable, coveted suburban neighborhood. 

There are conveniences as a tenant of an apartment building as well as conveniences and a very comfortable lifestyle in the suburbs, too.  I prefer a quiet life in the suburbs.  I don't want to see nor hear cars, buses, motorcycles, traffic noise, trains, freeways, highways, airplanes, etc.  I enjoy opening my windows, having privacy and hearing nothing but sweet silence!  🙂

I drive my SUV to the grocery store, Costco and local stores.  I have storage space and it's convenient.  I have an extra refrigerator-freezer in my garage.  I have both garage and indoor pantries. 

My husband and I started out as apartment tenants, then a condo, a starter house in the suburbs and moved up several times thereafter.  We enjoy space in our suburban house.  We don't want to share walls with anyone.  We enjoy our front yard and large back yard with lots of space inbetween neighbors.  After being homeowners for so long, we're spoiled and there's no going back.

You and your future husband will decide where you wish to reside just like everyone else. 

A coveted, affluent suburban neighborhood is not what everyone wants.  However, it is a very comfortable life indeed.  Some neighbors are not always high income earners IF they entered the housing market before prices skyrocketed to the point of being out of reach for millions of people.  If a person cannot afford particular real estate, then the other option would be to buy in less desirable locales but there are nice houses there if you don't mind inclement weather, longer commutes and / or heavy traffic to get anywhere.  Those are the tradeoffs.  Prices are reflective of supply and demand.

My husband and I wouldn't have been able to afford our current suburban house today had we bought it today or as recently as several years ago.  We would've had to resign ourselves to houses outside our current county. 

My husband and I always wanted a house because we both grew up in suburban neighborhoods.  It is our comfort zone and someday, OP, boozybunny83, you and your husband will decide where you wish to reside.  If you have a family, one child, two children or however many you want, again, you'll decide which dwelling is best for your situation. 

You can have it all whether it's home improvement, traveling while living out of a suitcase or whatever your heart desires.  It's not impossible. 

Yes, money is important.  Everything is important including character which shouldn't be overlooked. 

My mother said, "Rich men don't fight."  It's an old proverb which means, if you're economically comfortable, you tend to be quietly and peacefully content. 

 

 

 

Edited by Cherylyn
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On 11/12/2021 at 3:13 PM, boozybunny83 said:

 I live in the most expensive state and I’d like to get married and buy a house in the next few years.

Cashier, waitress or actress?  You'll need to solidify your own plans in terms of your occupation as well as your living circumstances.

Are you living with parents? Who supports you now?

Are you working? Going to college? 

What's the big hurry with husband hunting right now? Do you want to move out of your parents house? 

Is the biological clock ticking as far as a family?

Keep in mind when you buy a house (married or single) your credit score is important. Check up on that. Pay off debts and improve your own finances.

Furthermore, even if you find someone to date, you'll have to get engaged, live in an apartment for a while,etc. 

Cut to the chase and just get as many jobs as you can and get your own apartment, car, phone, etc.

Once you have that under control, you'll be in a less desperate place as far as determining if someone is compatible.

Edited by Wiseman2
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One of the biggest mistakes people make is assuming that the same things are important to men and women when looking for a partner.

Generally, men are looking for someone physically attractive and youthful.  Women care about status and resources.  Therefore, it's not at all unusual for a woman to think she has to have a better job/make more money to attract a successful man, and men assume they need to be better looking or have a better physique to attract a hot woman, because they think what is important to them is important to the opposite sex also.  Statistics simply do not bear this out.  Take a look at who gets the best-looking women--it's often the older, not necessarily attractive, but rich, men.  You don't see those moneyed men chasing after the older, rich widows, do you? (although the young, broke, unemployed men often will).  You also won't see exceptionally attractive young women focusing exclusively on attractive but broke men--maybe to look at, but not to partner with. 

If a man has enough money, his looks won't matter.  If a woman is hot enough, her job/finances won't matter.  Facts.

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13 minutes ago, waffle said:

One of the biggest mistakes people make is assuming that the same things are important to men and women when looking for a partner.

Generally, men are looking for someone physically attractive and youthful.  Women care about status and resources.  Therefore, it's not at all unusual for a woman to think she has to have a better job/make more money to attract a successful man, and men assume they need to be better looking or have a better physique to attract a hot woman, because they think what is important to them is important to the opposite sex also.  Statistics simply do not bear this out.  Take a look at who gets the best-looking women--it's often the older, not necessarily attractive, but rich, men.  You don't see those moneyed men chasing after the older, rich widows, do you? (although the young, broke, unemployed men often will).  You also won't see exceptionally attractive young women focusing exclusively on attractive but broke men--maybe to look at, but not to partner with. 

If a man has enough money, his looks won't matter.  If a woman is hot enough, her job/finances won't matter.  Facts.

Except for those of us who started out together both very early 20’s in school with nothing to our names. 😉

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