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Unfortunately Money Is A Factor


boozybunny83
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3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Lol people who live in apartments and rent certainly regard that apartment as their home. I grew up in an apartment. Lived in several later.  Live in one now with my husband and son. Never lived in a house and suburban life - other than lovely visits to friends and family - likely would involve me needing therapy to cope lol.never wanted more space either   For several reasons  - and yes we can afford tons more space  

I’ve never ever referred to our living situation as “apartment tenants” just like you don’t refer to your situation as “house dwellers”.  We have a home.  I grew up in a home.  Where I grew up was a co op my parents owned. my mother still does - bought in the 1960s.  She loves it. 
 

You’ve referenced this type of living situation in this seemingly inferior way and dismissively as if people who reside in apartments are merely tenants and don’t consider themselves to reside in a home and or to be raising a family in a home just like you or anyone who chooses to reside in a home they own rather than rent.

I guess people who still have a mortgage should call themselves “bank owned house dwellers?” 

You do you. You love your lifestyle and it works for you. People who choose to reside in an apartment in the city or in a suburb might wish to own a home or might be thrilled to live how and where they live.  There’s no reason to differentiate someone who does so as a mere “apartment tenant “ - it’s very often their home. What they call home.
 

Some tenants are just temporarily crashing while their home is built and some home owners are living in a house that is not at all their forever home or one that suits them.  

Please I respect that you think suburban life is heaven and perfect for you and your family.  I’m not labeling how you choose to live with dismissive or less than connotations. It sounds lovely and comfortable for you and for me would be nearly nightmarish for a number of reasons but I wouldn’t label your choice as negative at all  - it works for you and that’s all that matters  

And the OP wants to buy a home with someone who can afford it seems to basically buy it with his own money. I respect her dreams and goals too. Many people want to be taken care of financially and believe it’s their entitlement.  I’m entitled to choose to rent an apartment and call it home and my family’s home. I’m entitled not to feel entitled to be provided for financially unless I’m working by raising a child which is a financial contribution in kind.
 The legal definition of apartment tenant is no more relevant to this particular discussion than “house dwellers” would be to how you choose to live. We both live in homes with our families. 
I listed compatible values incompletely just as an example. Religious values being in tandem was essential to me too. I agree. 

A lot of people that buy a property would make sure they have only their names on the title and also have a relationship agreement/prenup in place so really...She won't be gaining anything. 

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7 minutes ago, Honeycomb8 said:

A lot of people that buy a property would make sure they have only their names on the title and also have a relationship agreement/prenup in place so really...She won't be gaining anything. 

I guess it depends if the OP would be agreeable to a prenup and what state they'd live in.  Also children/ child support can affect, I guess, who lives in what home.

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6 hours ago, waffle said:

One of the biggest mistakes people make is assuming that the same things are important to men and women when looking for a partner.

Generally, men are looking for someone physically attractive and youthful.  Women care about status and resources.  Therefore, it's not at all unusual for a woman to think she has to have a better job/make more money to attract a successful man, and men assume they need to be better looking or have a better physique to attract a hot woman, because they think what is important to them is important to the opposite sex also.  Statistics simply do not bear this out.  Take a look at who gets the best-looking women--it's often the older, not necessarily attractive, but rich, men.  You don't see those moneyed men chasing after the older, rich widows, do you? (although the young, broke, unemployed men often will).  You also won't see exceptionally attractive young women focusing exclusively on attractive but broke men--maybe to look at, but not to partner with. 

If a man has enough money, his looks won't matter.  If a woman is hot enough, her job/finances won't matter.  Facts.

Not true. A lot of successful and accomplished men want someone they can respect; an equal in many ways. 

A pretty vase can only distract you for so long. I've dated some very well rounded men (accomplished, very attractive with lots of charisma and talent). They have pretty much all said intelligence is what gets them. They need they can admire, not just a sexual object to keep them entertained. 

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7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I guess it depends if the OP would be agreeable to a prenup and what state they'd live in.  Also children/ child support can affect, I guess, who lives in what home.

She needs to find her own way and depend on herself. Relying on someone to save her financially isn't the way to go. 

Unless she's stunning, then she can maybe hope for someone who will be reeled in by her looks.

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On 11/13/2021 at 11:21 AM, Capricorn3 said:

^ Now you know what it feels like. 

You haven't worked for over a year.  Make that your starting point.  Find a good job which pays well so that you can show a future partner that you can hold your own and show that you too, are ambitious.  Until you get your own life sorted out and earning good money, let this guy go. I don't think he'll be wanting to sign up for taking care of you at this point.

If she's unemployed she really shouldn't be demanding anything. Most people wouldn't want to date someone jobless, esp someone that only has cashier experience. She should def focus on building herself up. Everyone needs SOME source of income. 

The rich guys that don't care are looking for someone to fully control and there is no respect. 

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Of course there are a lot of older men who just want a young, pretty woman on their arm.  It's a business deal.

A wealthy, middle aged but somewhat overweight and not particularly physically attractive man I know of was engaged to a much younger, pretty woman.  I told my husband "Let me guess...they'll get married and she'll pop out one kid, then divorce him.  She'll be set financially for life." Well, guess what happened?  It went exactly as I said, she had the one kid and filed for divorce the next year.  I was under the impression the man was aware she was marrying him for his money but he wanted a young, pretty wife.  Even if it was only temporary.

So yeah, those men are out there.  But they are wealthy and can afford to be VERY picky about the sort of wife they want.

And I agree, I think the OP read a few responses and decided to step off.

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I realized just now that this thread has a bit of everyone weighing in on thoughts on lifestyle: Cherylyn who lives in the suburbs, Batya who lives in the city...where is the rural love? 

I got you all beat 😜 Rural is the way to go! No neighbors, fresh air, clear nighttime sky, and no one sees/complains when I go into the hot tub naked, help my dad clean a deer, or have a large campfire. Yes it is further away from some things but as long as you have decent internet and audiobooks/podcasts for the drive, it's not too bad. 

Sorry just had to throw in my two cents. 🙂

It does go to show that yes, money is important and regardless of where you live, it can make life easier. Most Americans live one paycheck away from total destruction. That's a heavy stress burden to bear. 

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I know wealthy people who are miserable too.  Their money didn't make their lives any easier.

I found the happiest times my husband and I had where when we didn't have much.  We lived in a little apartment and were constantly loving on one another.  It reminds me of the cute Alan Jackson song "Livin' On Love".  That was us, but in a west coast suburb kind of way instead of country.  And where we lived was not filthy or noisy or any other disparaging adjectives.  It was pleasant.

However, the vanished OP values money so she must gear her approach toward being appealing to a wealthy man, whatever that might mean.

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4 hours ago, Honeycomb8 said:

Money is important but isn't everything. You should just focus on your own career and finances. 

I've pretty much always dated good quality professional men but I started to realise career ambition and intelligence isn't the only thing that's important- someone that has a kind heart is just as crucial. It's really hard to find that. 

If you're just focused on money, don't bother meeting. 

 

I concur. 

I mentioned to my husband that based upon my observations all my life including childhood, workplace and society, men are a dime-a-dozen (typical).  Finding a gem is rare.  Sure, money is wonderful.  However, who do you have to come home to?  Is he honorable and a decent human being or is he a nightmare to live with? 

Anyone can be charming and pretentious.  Nothing is more important than a moral man.

I've known several men who are high income earners through the stratosphere yet their characters are not worthy of respect nor admiration which stings the most. 

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2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I know wealthy people who are miserable too.  Their money didn't make their lives any easier.

I found the happiest times my husband and I had where when we didn't have much.  We lived in a little apartment and were constantly loving on one another.  It reminds me of the cute Alan Jackson song "Livin' On Love".  That was us, but in a west coast suburb kind of way instead of country.  And where we lived was not filthy or noisy or any other disparaging adjectives.  It was pleasant.

However, the vanished OP values money so she must gear her approach toward being appealing to a wealthy man, whatever that might mean.

Affluence and wealth makes misery more comfortable vs. being miserable  AND  poor. 

That was a nice story about your little apartment.  I too remember my husband and I in our first apartment.  It was nice.  However, I wouldn't want to go back to those days now that I know what I know with living in my house.  I think it's ok when we were first starting our new life together but I wouldn't want to live that way long term. 

It's possible to be both affluent and quite content and have the best of both worlds.  It's attainable if a person takes the right route to arrive there. 

 

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2 hours ago, Fudgie said:

I realized just now that this thread has a bit of everyone weighing in on thoughts on lifestyle: Cherylyn who lives in the suburbs, Batya who lives in the city...where is the rural love? 

I got you all beat 😜 Rural is the way to go! No neighbors, fresh air, clear nighttime sky, and no one sees/complains when I go into the hot tub naked, help my dad clean a deer, or have a large campfire. Yes it is further away from some things but as long as you have decent internet and audiobooks/podcasts for the drive, it's not too bad. 

Sorry just had to throw in my two cents. 🙂

It does go to show that yes, money is important and regardless of where you live, it can make life easier. Most Americans live one paycheck away from total destruction. That's a heavy stress burden to bear. 

Rural sounds great.  The only thing that would stop me from living in a rural area is the inconvenience of having to drive far for groceries, doctor, errands and the like.  I don't like long distance driving.  

Yes, living paycheck to paycheck is scary.  That's how my childhood was and I'm never going back.  Been there done that.

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9 hours ago, Fudgie said:

The issue is that the vast majority of them want children (hard no) and/or they aren't domestic and won't actually tend to the house and chores. If I'm the sole breadwinner, I am not doing the laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. Fair's fair.

Actually this is a pretty generous offer. Laundry, cooking, cleaning are easy things to do, lots of free time to do whatever you want after that and pursue recreational hobbies. 

Definitely not for me, I prefer cleaning toilets at McDonald's but I am pretty sure there would be a lot of guys out there who would be satisfied with this agreement. I am surprised you can't find one. 

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41 minutes ago, dias said:

Actually this is a pretty generous offer. Laundry, cooking, cleaning are easy things to do, lots of free time to do whatever you want after that and pursue recreational hobbies. 

Definitely not for me, I prefer cleaning toilets at McDonald's but I am pretty sure there would be a lot of guys out there who would be satisfied with this agreement. I am surprised you can't find one. 

Again, lots of guys would be satisfied with this but would not actually do the work and/or I wouldn't actually want to have a relationship with. I am really attracted to intelligent (bonus if more intelligent than I) without much consideration for physical traits but men like that don't go for setups like this. 

Also, this isn't really something you can be open about as it kind of opens itself up to abuse. 

I liken it to the gender opposite of this: a well-educated, successful man in his career (say, something in the hard sciences) meets a woman who is his equal or better in those ways, maybe similar job, same income, same intellect, same education, etc. He wants to be with her and support them jointly but in return, she quits her job, stays home, commits to not having children, tends to the house and the chores, but has her own interests and keeps up with things so that she is emotionally, intellectually, and sexually fulfilling enough for him as a partner.

Total pipe dream but sometimes what we want in life is not possible. 

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1 hour ago, Fudgie said:

 I wouldn't actually want to have a relationship with.

I guess finding a guy who would do the chores is not that difficult, now adding the above criteria (rightfully) makes it very difficult indeed. 

1 hour ago, Fudgie said:

commits to not having children

Well, it seems you have met very controlling men. Why would he want her to quit her job (especially if having kids is not involved in the scenario)? It does not make any sense except of him being controlling. It might be the most popular case, dunno....

Difficult times for women lol

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6 hours ago, dias said:

Well, it seems you have met very controlling men. Why would he want her to quit her job (especially if having kids is not involved in the scenario)? It does not make any sense except of him being controlling. It might be the most popular case, dunno....

No, I haven't met a man like this. I'm using this as an example to show how it would be impossible for me to find what I want. I, personally, would want a partner that doesn't work and is domestic. But someone who has that intelligence that I want and such would 99.9% of the time have a good job and would not want this setup. 

Working men do not share the load with their working female partners, statistically. I've seen this play out so many times and household chores, while I do them, I've always hated them. I'd rather just be working more. 

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No rural for me except, again, to visit and for vacations. I don't drive -am the only woman in my family with a license right now from what I know (sister had one till an accident in the 90s, mom never did). I love being a quick walk away from culture, diversity, gorgeous parks (ours is the "backyard we share with others") and shopping. 

When I lived in an even larger city for 43 years it meant public transportation getting me anywhere I'd possibly want to go, long meandering walks with people watching, interesting stores -(meaning small not big box) and dancing in clubs (harmless- no drinking/drugs for me) that were the top notch of all clubs in the 80s and 90s -starting when I was 14 (and 12 for during the day). Our transportation system here is not as good but I walk one block to our gorgeous huge park where they've filmed movies etc and that's where I get to see the sunrise most mornings and be in nature while I work out.

Our parents didn't have to drive us around much at all when I was growing up -we took buses, subways, walked everywhere and had a blast.  I also had fun meeting many celebrities, getting to know a few (even being a teacher to a few when they were kids, when I was a teacher for a couple of years in my 20s!), interacting with all sorts of really interesting people -artists, writers, entrepreneurs (no not just wealthy people) - meeting the best in my field some of whom mentored me, meeting interesting men and women many of whom were single or knew many single people. Made it easier to be "still single" in my 30s. 

I believe the vast diversity and culture and art I grew up around for all of my formative years -never even leaving for schooling -is particularly helping me now in today's world and I'm a better parent because of it because of how my son sees my perspective on so many things that are so very important right now.

I know people who love living in rural areas and people who have been relocating to do that.  I again totally respect that and I actually love all it has to offer as a tourist/visitor.  I get it to that extent.

(I wanted to be the full time parent for at least several years- we were well matched financially and professionally and still are -we both wanted me to be "at home" although my son and I were constantly not "at home" so I could show him the world!  - No controlling aspects in our marriage and agreement)

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Yeah being in a more rural area definitely requires some planning ahead in terms of groceries, getting things, etc. As long as I am on the mail route and have internet, I'm happy because then I can get online deliveries. 

The urban/suburb definitely have the benefit of having things close by. Absolutely. Right now I am living in a city but planning to move back to rural, near where my family is. Even before the pandemic, I didn't utilize most of the benefits - I don't know my neighbors, I don't go to events, I don't want to meet people or celebs, etc. I got used to my treadmill. I usually play board games with people - that's it. I love driving too. I love to travel and explore new cuisines too but not willing to live near others. 

As a kid, I loved growing up more rural and the post pandemic era is making that even easier, I feel. 

Edited by Fudgie
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Wow!  68 replies and no comment from the OP.  I don't think she heard what she wanted to hear.

  Interesting to see the different opinions on this topic.  Some old fashioned and some very progressive.

  This guy she is talking to sounds like a  real stand up guy that is genuine, hard worker, dedicated and selfless.  Pretty good qualities in my opinion.

 This comes down to online dating once again where people make snap judgements and put the cart before the horse before they even REALLY get to know someone and only go off a few words on a profile.  This is the most unfortunate part...

 I agree with you all that think he is getting his foot in the door with the FD by volunteering.  I worked at an agency for over 30 years I always preferred hiring people I knew that were part timers.  They were a known quantity.

 OP, perhaps you should focus on your employment situation first and then date.

Lost

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Taking a look at my own little world, a couple friends who think that a stable man with money would be the answer to all their problems.  Yet, they aren't having much luck in the dating world.

I look around at those that do have a partner and what I came up with is. . .What do these single women bring to the table?  I know it's sounds pretty judgy but a few of my friends have never really applied themselves, or took the easy route as far as career, etc.  They have debt.  Live paycheck to paycheck and think that looking for life preserver is the key.

I look at it threw a man's eye.  Why would a man take on their debt, take them on as a dependent and a possible liability? 

No doubt this a stage of life thing.  I don't suppose the issue might be so much the same if we were younger and just starting out.  But when your friends solely relied on their looks and it worked for them for years, they are caught off guard when being attractive is they only currency they can fall back on. When they were younger, men were lining up to get their attention.  I see their confusion wondering why this isn't working for them anymore.  Just the opposite.

My lesser attractive friends, that are stable and have their life figured out have no issues finding a man.   I don't believe men are only looking for arm candy that will stay home and wash their socks anymore.

Edited by reinventmyself
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I am not against OPs standards. If she wants a rich guy(I suppose that is what she means by "well situated") then good luck in finding that. However, I did find the saying "Money on money goes" rather well suited when it comes to those who want to marry for money. Meaning that yes, you would have to have good money of your own in order to find somebody who also has money.

My rich friend is a dental technician. He worked since he was 20 year old and made more then enough by his own hard work(we literally would go to party and he would go after party to do some more work in his private office). As such, he looked to find somebody with similar "pedigree". He was even willing to go bellow his usual physical level of attractivness if the girl is rich. At the end he did found a nice girl, rich as much as he is, dentist. They work together and invest into property a lot. Bought a big appartment in the capital recently to rent. 

At the other contrast there is my friends(well friends fiance but we are also good friends) sister. She is very beautiful, model like beautiful in fact. Has that to offer but other then that, nothing more. She has basic high school, no job of her own(she tries every now and then but doesnt persists) and likes to travel(one of those types that you see almost every day at different place kind of girl). As she is very beautiful, she has no trouble in finding somebody to support her "travel habits". Sometimes guys she bags are very rich. However, none of those guys can persist with her. Mostly because none of those guys would marry somebody like that. As she doesnt have money of her own and refuses to be "Trophy Wife" kind of thing as that would actually require her to be a housewife and she couldnt do her livestyle where she is almost every day at different place.

So what I am trying to say is, if OP wants to go for money, she should go for it. But if she isnt very realistic in her expectations she would get dissapointed a lot. Snooped through other thread she posted a while ago, think she is some kind of actress. So if I would have to guess she has the looks to offer as does my friends sister, and not the actual money. So she maybe brings some rich guy based on that. However, I dont think its very realistic. As I said, "money on money goes". 

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58 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

What do these single women bring to the table?

That's the thing. You have to bring something in exchange for the wealth. Nobody is giving their money away for nothing.

I think you should be very smart about what you're bringing to the table and recognize your own value. It's very risky to rely on good looks alone because then you attract guys who value your looks and nothing else. That's a trap, because looks fade and a guy who only values looks is going to stop valuing you.

On 11/12/2021 at 3:13 PM, boozybunny83 said:

I’d like to get married and buy a house in the next few years.

You can't just just marry rich and think that all of your future problems are going to disappear. The smarter thing to do is save your own money and buy your own house. While you're doing that, find a guy who is a great partner and collaborator. That way, you'll both be on equal footing, and you won't have to hit him up for handouts. Don't resort to any port in a storm. No need to be that desperate when you have your own capabilities.

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2 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

Taking a look at my own little world, a couple friends who think that a stable man with money would be the answer to all their problems.  Yet, they aren't having much luck in the dating world.

I look around at those that do have a partner and what I came up with is. . .What do these single women bring to the table?  I know it's sounds pretty judgy but a few of my friends have never really applied themselves, or took the easy route as far as career, etc.  They have debt.  Live paycheck to paycheck and think that looking for life preserver is the key.

I look at it threw a man's eye.  Why would a man take on their debt, take them on as a dependent and a possible liability? 

No doubt this a stage of life thing.  I don't suppose the issue might be so much the same if we were younger and just starting out.  But when your friends solely relied on their looks and it worked for them for years, they are caught off guard when being attractive is they only currency they can fall back on. When they were younger, men were lining up to get their attention.  I see their confusion wondering why this isn't working for them anymore.  Just the opposite.

My lesser attractive friends, that are stable and have their life figured out have no issues finding a man.   I don't believe men are only looking for arm candy that will stay home and wash their socks anymore.

Well said.  I have been basically on my own since I was 12 years old so I certainly don't need anyone for anything.  

I am single and very comfortable in my new retired life and financially so I can be selective who I date or even agree to meet.  I want a partner, not a fixer upper.  Attraction is important but as shallow as men can be substance is way more attractive.  I look back and sometimes think I was an idiot for taking a pass on some super attractive women but when I remember why I don't feel so stupid. 

 To each his own but I think the key to happiness and being content is not in a bank account or a job title.  Some of the poorest people I know are the happiest.   Go figure...

Lost

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3 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

This comes down to online dating once again where people make snap judgements and put the cart before the horse before they even REALLY get to know someone and only go off a few words on a profile.  This is the most unfortunate part...

I found the same with meeting strangers at bars and clubs.  I made snap judgments based on what was listed on the profile because I had certain musts related to education, marital status, religion, and employment/career.  Not really a "judgment" just based on the facts I knew we would be incompatible. I found in bars/clubs there was much more emphasis on judging based on looks/clothing -I liked reading the profiles as a good initial screening. 

Also depends on why you used online dating sites.I used them to find a husband only and never dated online - it was just another way of making a first contact and then meeting in person ASAP.

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