Is it bad to ask to see bf’s bank account?

[bluesky45]

Have you figured out how much of a down payment etc you need for a house? If this is the plan, why is he talking about moving out? Doesn't that go against the plan?

 

Why doesn't he drive?

 

At least £20k is needed, and ideally I’d like more so mortgage is less. And I guess it’s just process thoughts out loud, as I think about it, but it’s about the progression towards.

 

Edit: he doesn’t drive as he lived close to work and pays for a lift from a coworker.

[bluesky45]

A shared goal is a good thing for a couple but if both are not putting in a similar effort then you will have big problems.

 

He tells you he is saving but you do not believe him because of his spending habits. So you don't trust him. That is a big problem.

 

If as you say he spends money more than you then looking at his bank balance will only cause problems and not solve anything because he obviously will not have as much money in there as he should.

 

Perhaps he doesn't want to move out yet? Perhaps he doesn't want to get a place with you yet? This could be his way of stalling.

 

A simple solution is to open a joint account just for this goal. You each agree to deposit $_____ amount into the account at the end of each month and when the balance reaches X you can start looking for a place to move into together. Then you both will have access to the account and check the balance and plan for your future. Problem solved.

 

I do think there are more things going on here other than finances so take a step back and take a good hard look at the relationship and if you think it works for you now and will work in the future.

 

Lost

 

We have separate accounts to benefit from the accounts we have (LISAs). But if I ask he does show me it, as it’s a joint plan. We are open with communication and problems, I just think he likes spending money on his hobby.

[bluesky45]

I don't get how you constantly put up with him complaining about not being independent. Is he willing to move out? How much of this current living situation is your idea? Next time he complains, let him know you're not stopping him from returning home or to rent his own place or find roommates to do so with. Remove any "we" from the equation.

 

If you'd like to save money at home, that's your own valid prerogative. If he wants to move out and not be beholden to his parents or yours, or even if he'd rather move back to his own parents' place, that's likewise valid. If you're at all discouraging him so that you can both save money while living together in order to facilitate your ideal independence of jumping straight to home ownership, I'd stop. There are a hundred reasons that sounds like a bad idea on its own and which I won't bother getting into, but at the end of the day, you're both entitled to have different goals, and you're likewise entitled to see them as too different for the relationship to be viable.

 

I’ve mentioned if he wanted to live by himself but he understands it is expensive by himself, and he does want to live with me.

 

Current living situation was from me. I said a “joke” about it a few months ago, and then he mentioned it a couple of months ago, we calculated it all and just agreed.

[bluesky45]

I have spoken about it with him, and he has said he is going to start putting in more effort for it. Just have to wait and see, and then if not, it’s a no go.

[Rose Mosse]

It sounds like you know what to do. Good work.

[LaHermes]

Bluesky.

 

Not the point. Everyone should learn to drive. Even if they are able to get a lift from someone. Aside from the usual reasons, one never knows when it may be vital to be able to drive.

 

"he doesn’t drive as he lived close to work and pays for a lift from a coworker."

 

I know full well there is no interest to be had right now on savings or deposit accounts. But that isn't the point either. You are managing your finances with a view to purchasing a home. He doesn't seem to understand a lot about finances anyhow, or even the fairly straightforward procedure of buying a home! Thousands do it every day! Certainly his bank account should not be inspected by you. Again not the point. Fact is he seems to have a sort of "never never land" syndrome, and his goals are not yours.

 

So, you need to have a long hard think about it all OP:

[boltnrun]

Does he expect to be able to spend 2/3 of his income on this "hobby" after you purchase a home?

 

Hopefully the "hobby" isn't marijuana.

[Lambert]

He should learn to drive. It's part of being independent. I couldn't bear being chauffeur to a grown man long term... It's not just rides to work. It's every trip to the grocery store, every errand, every appointment, always being the designated driver. It's exhausting. I dated a guy and while we were together he got a DUI. It essentially killed the relationship. He lost his license for a period of time. I just started to resent being the assumed driver, all the coordination, sacrificing one opportunity over another bc we gotta go together...... Of course that's another thread... But it got old really quickly. Is the point.

 

Sounds like he wants to be independent of parental control, but not truly independent as an adult. Some towns, you don't need a car, but it's still a valuable skill when traveling and if there's any hope of leaving the neighborhood alone. And if you have children that's a whole other ball of wax.

[Andrina]

Pay attention to major differences in areas that cause the most problems in a marriage: differing libidos, differences in relationship boundaries and life goals, and of course, financial stability and how finances are handled.

 

I was too inexperienced and my brain wasn't even fully formed when I married at age 21. I did see the red flags of my husband when we lived together before marriage, and stupidly married him anyway.

 

I was also going to university and working full time. Your issues were reminiscent of mine. We lived by the beach. I remember being careful of money since it was tight, and I always worried about having enough gas to get to my job and work, whereas he spent frivolous money we couldn't spare on fins for a boogie board. At that point, I said, "You're going to be responsible for the bill paying from our joint money, because maybe then you can be worried about being able to pay the electric bill."

 

That was a big mistake, because years later, I found that he'd hidden a $900 gasoline bill from a gas credit card from me because "I didn't want to worry you."

 

He had all kinds of expensive hobbies throughout the years, whereas I worked my butt off and would be hollering that for all that work, I couldn't even take one nice vacation per year.

 

We eventually divorced, and years later, I was able to get myself together financially and was able to become very comfortable financially. Whereas, my daughter reported that his tires are balding because he couldn't afford to buy new ones. He doesn't even own his own home and rents a room from a co-worker.

 

People rarely change unless an epiphany occurs. I hope he comes through, but make sure the change is consistent and longterm before you make any major decision like buying a home with him.

[MissCanuck]

Is he helping to save for a down payment, OP?

 

Because my gut reaction is that a guy who is spending 2/3 of his income on his hobby is not ready to even think about home ownership. There is a big difference between wanting to live independently, and actually being ready and mature enough for it.

 

You two sound like you're on totally different pages both in terms of finances and maturity level, regarding realistic vs. unrealistic expectations. You sound more practical and aware of the reality of making big life changes. Him? Not so much. He wants to be independent but he isn't demonstrating that he actually knows how to get there.

[amyroo]

...before you make any major decision like buying a home with him.

 

Be very careful buying a home with someone you are not married to. I am going through hell because of that same mistake. Have a solicitor draw up iron clad contracts as to what happens with down payment monies and if and how you will sell/buy one another out should things go south.

 

DO NOT purchase anything without these agreements.

[HeartGoesOn]

^

Agreed. Excellent advice!

[Wiseman2]

Be careful about commingling assets with someone who has a draining habit like this. And... who you have a completely different money mindset from.

 

Since you both still live with your folks you have time to decide if you want to drag him along in life and micromanage everything like a parent. How old is he?

Does he expect to be able to spend 2/3 of his income on this "hobby" after you purchase a home?

[jimthzz]

How old are the two of you anyway?

 

Depending on where you live the amount you want to stash away for a down payment on a mortgage, seems very small to me. In the USA you need good credit and 20% of the home price to get it going.

 

The credit rating is a key point. A lender will be particularly nervous about anyone who can't prove they can pay off debts. A good way to show that is buying a car and never missing a payment. A low-balance credit card helps too.

 

Both of you will need to show proof of paying other bills too: rent, utilities, the whole nine yards.

 

The lenders look at how much of your potential credit you have eaten up based on your combined income.

 

They'll look at how much you have saved besides the down payment.

 

If you want financial information from your BF, then ask him. Make an agreement for how much to save per month and put in a joint account with the stipulation that that account cannot be tapped for anything. Nada, nothing. It is earmarked for a home downpayment.

 

If he cannot agree to that, then you two are not on the same page.

 

One other thing.

 

Most men have something they want to spend money on that is not strictly family-oriented spending. I don't mean anything wrong. How about fishing poles, computer nerd stuff, or an expensive bicycle.

 

A mature man realizes that unless they have endless cash, when they start a family, the spending on those hobbies gets cut dramatically in favor of providing for their wife and children.

 

A mature woman knows they also have to give up their single life attitudes as well.

 

A committed couple negotiates the way of the relationship. You cannot presume to be the one who is always right, nor can he.

 

If you believe that your relationship requires the saving for a down payment on a house NOW, and he does not believe that, then you have to decide what to do.

 

Living at your parent's home is an inherently unequal stance that a man has to put up with. I did it in my early 20s, and despite being grateful for the leg up, there was always an awareness that they thought of me sponging off their daughter. Yes, I paid rent, but it was a pittance compared to living out on your own.

 

There's something to be said for standing up on your own two feet.

 

One of the problems with this not quite independent theory of how you're living now in an extended family, is that it is not just the two of you making decisions on how to live.

 

It essentially is an extended childhood.

 

If you want to be in a fully mature adult relationship, then the two of you must move elsewhere. Maybe for a time by yourselves, not with each other.

 

I have the impression that you are likely in your 20s, out of college a bit, trying to make it in the world.

 

That is a challenging and exciting place to be.

 

Good luck!

[LaHermes]

OP, as you are in the U.K. I am sure you have heard of Martin Lewis. Who hasn't! L.

 

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/mortgages/

 

Probably would do your BF good to tune in on that web.

 

I believe the average deposit for first time buyers in the UK is around 15%.

 

But, all that said I can only echo Wiseman here:

 

"you have time to decide if you want to drag him along in life and micromanage everything like a parent. How old is he?"

[Wiseman2]

You seem like a lot of fun and focused on the romance. This has all the romance of a drill sergeant. Stop acting as if you're his accountant. When you are done with your spread sheets, he will find someone who is not obsessed with material acquisition to this extreme and is focused on the romance as well as planning similar goals.

 

You can always buy a house by yourself and rent out space to roommates. It's better than roping someone with "an expensive hobby that eats up 2/3 of his salary' into home co-ownership. Does he earn more than you? What happens when he buys a car? Relationships are more than spread sheets and cheaper internet.

I have a budget spreadsheet in which I regularly look at and try and make my expenses cheaper. I understand how to save money and everything.

 

When I started to pay rent here I sat down and calculated the expenses, rent per person, got the internet cheaper with landline, food, water electric gas etc.

 

I believe it is my mindset, (it is my degree area after all, and job).

[Cherylyn]

Finances are personal IMHO. If and when he can afford to move out independently, that's his business.

 

The only time I saw my husband's bank account was when we were engaged to marry, find an apt as a married couple and budgeted our combined finances.

[itsallgrand]

The best way to know you can trust a partner in managing their own is to choose a partner who has been on their own and shown some success with that.

Your boyfriend shouldn't be living with you at your folks place, even if you guys pay rent. He needs to spread his wings as a man ( and it applies for women too, I'd never advise a man move a woman in with his folks from her parents house ).

You are trying to force him into fitting your life plans, but it's not a great way to establish an equal partnership. You need two people capable of independent living first.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. It would be best to rent for a year and see if you are compatible and can deal with bills, chores, household purchases, etc in real life, not on spread sheets under the auspices of your family home. It would be foolish to purchase a home with someone's whose track record is unknown except he spends 2/3 of his income on hobbies.

[DancingFool]

OP, some very wise women in my family have always been emphatic about this:

 

1) Never every marry a man who hasn't lived on his own - the reasoning is really quite simple. You don't want to marry a manchild and become a mommy to him. You want to be sure that you have a partner who knows how to balance a checkbook, pay bills, prioritize, do his laundry and housekeeping and feed himself. If a guy goes from parents' to living with you, you can pretty much bet your life you will step into his mother's shoes and end up mothering him.....and that kind of kills romance and relationships.

 

In short, moving from his parents' house to your parents' house is NOT a natural progression. Getting his own place and living on his own IS the natural progression.

 

2) Never ever buy a house with someone you are not married to. So many legal issues and complications with this. You should NEVER combine money and/or assets with just a boyfriend.

 

OP, if your goal is to own a house, then by all means pursue that goal, but NEVER ever combine that with a bf. Do it solo and strictly in your name. He can live there and pay rent, but talk to a good lawyer and have a written agreement in place before you move anyone in. When it comes to bf's, be sure to have an easy out clause. Meaning that if your relationship isn't working out, you can kick him out fast and with minimal notice. Learn to protect yourself and your hard earned assets. Don't rely on a guy for that and DON'T play wifey....which is what you are trying to do now. Don't just don't.

[abitbroken]

its kind of funny that he is insisting on you moving out and being independent, but yet he lives with YOUR family!

Don't apologize for living with your family because you are still going to school. Its not wrong, weird and it does not show a lack of independence. On the contrary, you are working, but not so much that you can't make school your focus. I think he wants you to move out so he can move in with you and sponge off of you. Does he pay rent to your parents?

 

I would ask him to move out of your parents home.

And you stay. Focus on school. wait to move out to relocate for a job or when you have finished school and move out with a female roommate or by yourself, but not with him.

[abitbroken]

Agree. It would be best to rent for a year and see if you are compatible and can deal with bills, chores, household purchases, etc in real life, not on spread sheets under the auspices of your family home. It would be foolish to purchase a home with someone's whose track record is unknown except he spends 2/3 of his income on hobbies.

 

i don't think she should move in with him - he needs to live on his own or with a guy roommate

[Rose Mosse]

The real kicker might be if he has automatic transfers to another bank account you don't know about.

 

Take your time and get to know one another a bit more.

[Batya33]

The real kicker might be if he has automatic transfers to another bank account you don't know about.

 

Take your time and get to know one another a bit more.

 

I was thinking the same - you don't know how many accounts or credit cards he has.

[Billie28]

I have more expenditure than him coming out of my bank account, (I drive), he has more on a credit card that he is paying off which accounts to less readily available money, obviously.

 

The plan is to move out together, but to buy a home. Not interested in renting as it’s too steep to then afford to save for a deposit. Hence why living together with my family to make it cheaper to save more. My family do not pay a penny towards us living there, it is entirely our money for our living expenses.

 

I have a budget spreadsheet in which I regularly look at and try and make my expenses cheaper. I understand how to save money and everything.

 

When I started to pay rent here I sat down and calculated the expenses, rent per person, got the internet cheaper with landline, food, water electric gas etc.

 

I believe it is my mindset, (it is my degree area after all, and job). Just felt wrong to actually ASK to see, more meant in terms of what are his actual personal bills and so forth (does not drive).

 

More of a long term thing, not planning it for another two years until I finish university also. In terms of disposable income, he has more, but he spends it and I save it.

 

I do trust him, I’m just tired of hearing everyday about being “independent”, when there is near zero effort to actually become independent.

 

Your family are contributing monetarily ! You said he paid more rent to his parents and paying less to yours. You think because they charge less they are not contributing?

 

Perhaps your parents should create a budget spreadsheet like you do and then you would realise how much they are actually contributing!! Sure you reduced their electricity bill on paper but have you since created a spreadsheet of how much electricity is used per person? I’m guessing your parents end up paying more. Unless you got them to increase the rent to cover utilities?

 

You have a degree in finances??

You claim to know your boyfriends incone and expenditure. It’s simple maths to know what’s left over.

If you trust him to save a portion of that , then you do. And communicate expected savings.

If you don’t trust him then dump him.