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Is it bad to ask to see bf’s bank account?


bluesky45
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Bf keeps saying how much he wants to move out and become independent. Currently live together but with my family.

 

I work part time as I’m studying in university and still manage to save quite a bit (earn less than £500 a month).

 

Bf earns more than £300 a week, yet by the next payday he has nearly run out of money, sometimes buys stuff online that are relatively expensive but nothing really shows up via post all the time.

 

We started saving at the same time, yet I seem to have more in my savings than him. Is it bad to ask to see what he is spending his money on considering how often he says to me he wants to move out and become independent?

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You have the right to:

 

1.) Kick him out if you feel he's not being responsible in paying rent of helping with bills or 2.) Break up with him due to not being a good partner in saving money and won't be someone you can rely on in the future.

 

But you do not have the right to ask to see his bank account, accuse or demand anything to do with his own money.

You're his gf, not his parole officer or his mother.

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How long have you been dating? Why is he living with your family instead of his? He needs to move out. It's that simple. His money is none of your business. You are not married or engaged. Have a talk with your parents about getting him out.

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You're over-stepping it by asking to see his bank account, yes.

 

Tell him that you can't commit to moving out with him until you see that he isn't running out of money all the time. My sense is that you're suspicious of what exactly he's spending his money on, correct? You mentioned his money disappears quickly yet he isn't receiving much in the mail that would indicate where this money is going.

 

Are you worried he's not being honest about how he's spending his paychecks so quickly?

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I did think it would be bad to ask that’s why I haven’t and asked on here, we have spoken about savings and goals multiple times but I don’t think it’s getting anywhere. Next time it comes up it will just be a comment that it’ll take longer to move out if you’re not saving enough. Thanks for the reply!

 

I have always been open about my finances and others around me, and he is typically but I just wondered, thanks guys!

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Of course it's not getting anywhere. You are both living off your parents. You seem to be driving this future thing but he's enjoying a free ride to buy toys or drug or whatever.

 

You are not compatible and do not have the same goals.If he had to live with roommates (as he should be doing) he would have to grow up and be responsible for food chores bills budgeting etc.

 

As long as you and your family enable this, he can remain a child and spend on toys drinking drugs whatever. He's just along for the ride. You are not even engaged. Bring this puppy back to the pet store.

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We both pay rent and bills to live here, before he moved in with me he was paying more rent with his parents, so it was a natural next step in the relationship but also to make rent cheaper for the both of us to be able to save more.

 

I have more bills than him because I drive and he does not.

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Quite clearly you do not trust him.

 

It’s irrelevant as to whether he is trustworthy or not.

 

If you need proof to trust his words then the relationship is doomed to fail anyway.

 

But I suspect the bigger issue is poor communication.

You can certainly sit down and discuss income versus expenditure.

 

You only mention both your incomes and the only expenditure you mention is rent.

If he has a car for example and you don’t , of course his expenses will be much higher.

 

It all boils down to disposable income and it sounds like you have not even considered that. Which simply suggests to me that you have an immature notion of finances.

 

I can’t possibly tell with the very limited info you have provided.

Please clarify?

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we have spoken about savings and goals multiple times but I don’t think it’s getting anywhere.

 

This is your real cue that he is not ready for the next step.

 

It shouldn't take multiple talks to see some progress towards a goal like this. He's not being serious about it, which would make me hesitate in living together independently at this time. He's not responsible enough for it yet.

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I did think it would be bad to ask that’s why I haven’t and asked on here, we have spoken about savings and goals multiple times but I don’t think it’s getting anywhere. Next time it comes up it will just be a comment that it’ll take longer to move out if you’re not saving enough. Thanks for the reply!

 

I have always been open about my finances and others around me, and he is typically but I just wondered, thanks guys!

 

This is not going to solve anything and it's passive aggressive. In order to do anything, in life, you must plan. Start with a budget... Research costs of rent, utilities, estimate food & entertainment expenses for the month. When you have first month and last month as a deposit, the current month and 6 months cushion saved. That's 9 months saved, then you are ready.

 

Do not sign a lease with or alone for a guy you can't trust to have his share. And you don't want to take on the parent role. Financial problems are the leading cause of marital strife..... If you two can plan together and achieve a goal, that is a good sign. But if he always has some excuse why he didn't have his half. if you get a hefty amount saved and he wants to spend it. then you know. This guy is all talk.

 

I have known plenty of people to talk a good game about what they want and what they are going to do. Or my favorite, the people that discount what others do... Like somehow things are easier for someone else. It al sounds impressive... But it takes work and sacrifice to achieve goals. Learn to recognize the talkers from the doers.

 

You never know... You may save enough to get your place without him. And if you don't want to move out, you could go on a trip or buy yourself something or whatever! I wouldn't be too impressed by a guy living off my parents long term.... In my mind, it's not right to live off of someone else's family. Short term in a pinch, yes. Long term, he should be working toward his own place anyway.

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We both pay rent and bills to live here, before he moved in with me he was paying more rent with his parents, so it was a natural next step in the relationship but also to make rent cheaper for the both of us to be able to save more.

 

I have more bills than him because I drive and he does not.

 

Nope, not a 'natural' step, a premature one.

 

Stay out of his finances and manage your own. If he'd ever be capable enough of getting his own place, let him do that. THEN decide if you'd want to move in with him.

 

Meanwhile, send him back to his parents instead of becoming his parent.

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Is it bad? Probably. Very awkward.

 

If you want to go down the awkward road, sure. I don't think it makes you a bad person!

 

How can you not know what he's spending or ordering online when you both live together? Do you have some idea of what he's ordering? Do neither of you talk about how you spent the day or what you've recently purchased? Do either of you go out together and does he pay for your outtings? Just curious.

 

I wouldn't even think about starting a future with this person with the limited info you have. Don't take on the headache of managing his money for him. It's a lifetime of stress.

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I have more expenditure than him coming out of my bank account, (I drive), he has more on a credit card that he is paying off which accounts to less readily available money, obviously.

 

The plan is to move out together, but to buy a home. Not interested in renting as it’s too steep to then afford to save for a deposit. Hence why living together with my family to make it cheaper to save more. My family do not pay a penny towards us living there, it is entirely our money for our living expenses.

 

I have a budget spreadsheet in which I regularly look at and try and make my expenses cheaper. I understand how to save money and everything.

 

When I started to pay rent here I sat down and calculated the expenses, rent per person, got the internet cheaper with landline, food, water electric gas etc.

 

I believe it is my mindset, (it is my degree area after all, and job). Just felt wrong to actually ASK to see, more meant in terms of what are his actual personal bills and so forth (does not drive).

 

More of a long term thing, not planning it for another two years until I finish university also. In terms of disposable income, he has more, but he spends it and I save it.

 

I do trust him, I’m just tired of hearing everyday about being “independent”, when there is near zero effort to actually become independent.

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Is it bad? Probably. Very awkward.

 

If you want to go down the awkward road, sure. I don't think it makes you a bad person!

 

How can you not know what he's spending or ordering online when you both live together? Do you have some idea of what he's ordering? Do neither of you talk about how you spent the day or what you've recently purchased? Do either of you go out together and does he pay for your outtings? Just curious.

 

I wouldn't even think about starting a future with this person with the limited info you have. Don't take on the headache of managing his money for him. It's a lifetime of stress.

 

We do talk about what we have purchased, I’ve just never made a point of asking how much the things are that he purchases. I have asked and realised that he has an expensive hobby (not saying what as I do not wish to have specific details on the internet). But typically spends 2/3 of income a week on it.

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You do what's best for you. Keep saving if you want to save. I don't think either of you have a future unless you're willing to put in the legwork explaining the finer details of what saving means to him. You can come up with budgets galore but he's already proven that he's not committed to your future. He is however committed to his hobbies.

 

The question is: do you want to keep trying or wasting your time for another two years with a man who doesn't have the same knowledge or experience or life goals as you?

 

It's all very personal and no one makes that decision but you.

 

What do your parents think, by the way? (of your relationship)

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I have more expenditure than him coming out of my bank account, (I drive), he has more on a credit card that he is paying off which accounts to less readily available money, obviously.

 

The plan is to move out together, but to buy a home. Not interested in renting as it’s too steep to then afford to save for a deposit. Hence why living together with my family to make it cheaper to save more. My family do not pay a penny towards us living there, it is entirely our money for our living expenses.

 

I have a budget spreadsheet in which I regularly look at and try and make my expenses cheaper. I understand how to save money and everything.

 

When I started to pay rent here I sat down and calculated the expenses, rent per person, got the internet cheaper with landline, food, water electric gas etc.

 

I believe it is my mindset, (it is my degree area after all, and job). Just felt wrong to actually ASK to see, more meant in terms of what are his actual personal bills and so forth (does not drive).

 

More of a long term thing, not planning it for another two years until I finish university also. In terms of disposable income, he has more, but he spends it and I save it.

 

I do trust him, I’m just tired of hearing everyday about being “independent”, when there is near zero effort to actually become independent.

 

If he needs your help with tips on saving money, keeping a budget, etc., he would have asked. There are also resources online or offered at school/work for free on how to manage your finances. If he keeps complaining but makes no effort to change his situation, then you know he doesn't really want to save or move out. You can't force him to change unfortunately, but you can decide if this is a man you want to be with in the long term.

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I have more expenditure than him coming out of my bank account, (I drive), he has more on a credit card that he is paying off which accounts to less readily available money, obviously.

 

The plan is to move out together, but to buy a home. Not interested in renting as it’s too steep to then afford to save for a deposit. Hence why living together with my family to make it cheaper to save more. My family do not pay a penny towards us living there, it is entirely our money for our living expenses.

 

I have a budget spreadsheet in which I regularly look at and try and make my expenses cheaper. I understand how to save money and everything.

 

When I started to pay rent here I sat down and calculated the expenses, rent per person, got the internet cheaper with landline, food, water electric gas etc.

 

I believe it is my mindset, (it is my degree area after all, and job). Just felt wrong to actually ASK to see, more meant in terms of what are his actual personal bills and so forth (does not drive).

 

More of a long term thing, not planning it for another two years until I finish university also. In terms of disposable income, he has more, but he spends it and I save it.

 

I do trust him, I’m just tired of hearing everyday about being “independent”, when there is near zero effort to actually become independent.

 

Have you figured out how much of a down payment etc you need for a house? If this is the plan, why is he talking about moving out? Doesn't that go against the plan?

 

Why doesn't he drive?

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A shared goal is a good thing for a couple but if both are not putting in a similar effort then you will have big problems.

 

He tells you he is saving but you do not believe him because of his spending habits. So you don't trust him. That is a big problem.

 

If as you say he spends money more than you then looking at his bank balance will only cause problems and not solve anything because he obviously will not have as much money in there as he should.

 

Perhaps he doesn't want to move out yet? Perhaps he doesn't want to get a place with you yet? This could be his way of stalling.

 

A simple solution is to open a joint account just for this goal. You each agree to deposit $_____ amount into the account at the end of each month and when the balance reaches X you can start looking for a place to move into together. Then you both will have access to the account and check the balance and plan for your future. Problem solved.

 

I do think there are more things going on here other than finances so take a step back and take a good hard look at the relationship and if you think it works for you now and will work in the future.

 

Lost

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I don't get how you constantly put up with him complaining about not being independent. Is he willing to move out? How much of this current living situation is your idea? Next time he complains, let him know you're not stopping him from returning home or to rent his own place or find roommates to do so with. Remove any "we" from the equation.

 

If you'd like to save money at home, that's your own valid prerogative. If he wants to move out and not be beholden to his parents or yours, or even if he'd rather move back to his own parents' place, that's likewise valid. If you're at all discouraging him so that you can both save money while living together in order to facilitate your ideal independence of jumping straight to home ownership, I'd stop. There are a hundred reasons that sounds like a bad idea on its own and which I won't bother getting into, but at the end of the day, you're both entitled to have different goals, and you're likewise entitled to see them as too different for the relationship to be viable.

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You do what's best for you. Keep saving if you want to save. I don't think either of you have a future unless you're willing to put in the legwork explaining the finer details of what saving means to him. You can come up with budgets galore but he's already proven that he's not committed to your future. He is however committed to his hobbies.

 

The question is: do you want to keep trying or wasting your time for another two years with a man who doesn't have the same knowledge or experience or life goals as you?

 

It's all very personal and no one makes that decision but you.

 

What do your parents think, by the way? (of your relationship)

 

 

I’m going to continue to save no matter what, my end goal is to own my own home, whether that’s with someone or not.

 

I guess I could put in a little more effort and explain the whole thing around savings. He always takes the mick out of interest saying it’s so low, but I never keep money in my current account as it’s just losing value. I guess I have more to explain as he didn’t know a lot of buying a house as well until I said about it.

 

I have spoken about the expenditure and he has agreed to put in more effort, so just have to wait and see if there is a change as he is open with how much is in his accounts.

 

Parents think he is lovely, he helps out around the house (as we all do). I wouldn’t fault him except with money, which is what it boils down to. And driving but if it isn’t needed you’re saving money I guess!

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If he needs your help with tips on saving money, keeping a budget, etc., he would have asked. There are also resources online or offered at school/work for free on how to manage your finances. If he keeps complaining but makes no effort to change his situation, then you know he doesn't really want to save or move out. You can't force him to change unfortunately, but you can decide if this is a man you want to be with in the long term.

 

He has asked previously, I guess I just didnÂ’t inform as much as I could have. IÂ’ve spoken and he has said he is going to make an effort, just a waiting game now.

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