My Boyfriend has female friends that I don't trust

[ShawndrayJac]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and 11 months and and he goes to a mental illness daily day program where I don't go to. At this program there is a girl who is there that he has become very good friends with and I don't really trust their friendship. When we are home, he will talk to her in the phone or they will text eachother but I just don't trust their friendship! She is an attractive woman, yes she is but my boyfriend insists on saying to me that the girl is gay. Now to me, maybe she is but to me she still has the same body parts as I do. So I don't really trust the fact that he says she is gay. I honestly thinks he is saying that to keep me from being suspecious of their friendship. But I still don't trust it. So what I did was go into his phone and both block her number from being able to call him and I deleted her number from his phone. Now everything has been really cool. She doesn't randomly text him anymore because her number is blocked. And I honestly feel as if he is really not thinking about her because even if he decided to call her he would go into his contacts and see that the number is gone. I also feel that if he was looking for her number and noticed it not in his contacts, that he would definitely blame me for it not being there. And if he really wanted it he's got other friends from his program that he could ask for her number. So, I guess I'll just wait until I noticed the number back in his contacts and try to enjoy the days that I don't have to deal with the two of them communicating!

[MissCanuck]

OP, when you get to the point of deleting people from your boyfriend's phone, you need to ask yourself what you're still doing with a guy you don't trust. I would personally just end it. Without trust, you don't have much of a relationship. You might be warranted in not trusting him, to be fair, but that's your cue to leave. It won't get better by you playing secret agent.

 

Out of curiosity, what sort of mental illness day program is this?

[Danmarko]

Regardless of how you felt you should have spoken to him first before going into his phone and deleting her number. If he's attending a mental health day centre your certainly not helping him by invading his space in this way. If it was the other way round and a man did this to a woman it would considered to be controlling & cohersive. Perhaps you need to do a rain check on your own insecurities.

[Billie28]

To start with, you need to change the title of your post to “I don’t trust my bf”

 

You don’t have to trust this girl , you have to trust your bf.

And if you don’t trust him then you simply walk away. Your problem if you walk away from a trustworthy bf that your insecurity does not allow you to trust.

 

I think it’s important for him going to a mental health clinic daily to be able to keep in touch with peers there.

But you have decided it’s not. Because you don’t trust what? The system? Her? Or your bf?

 

You haven’t said that he has done anything wrong by you ? You clearly checked their message history when you invaded his privacy and phone.

Blocked her anyway?!

 

He has not proven to be untrustworthy , yet you have proven to be?

 

You are temporarily happy that you have exercised control over him. Why?

 

He might know already. He might be planning a way out already?

 

But you enjoy your temporary control , because that’s all it is. Temporary .

 

This issue is yours and yours only. You are sabotaging your relationship and no one would want to stay in a relationship that is so controlled by another.

 

Please seek help for this ?

[Tinydance]

Wow sorry but you are MAJORLY out of line! I even briefly wondered if you're a troll! You are talking about what you did like it's totally normal and you don't feel bad at all! It's NOT normal to go into your boyfriend's phone and block and delete his good friend's number. You speak about trust but do you think your own behaviour is trustworthy? How would you like it if your boyfriend was snooping in your phone and deleting and blocking your friends? Would you think that was fine? Be honest, if your boyfriend did it to you, how would you feel? I think you have some serious issues of your own if you think this is acceptable.

 

Also why are you so paranoid and think the worst of people? If the girl said she's gay, why do you just automatically assume she's lying? Why can't you just believe what people are saying? Sounds like you're a really suspicious person. Also do you have male friends? If you do then why is your boyfriend not allowed to have female friends?

 

Communication and trust is important in a relationship and in your case they're not there. Because of YOU.

[BabyBoss007]

Calm down and trust your boyfriend. If you start suspecting him in cheating, your relationship won’t last long. Try to visit this group and see how he behaves with her during practice. Do some dual exercises to trust each other more. Say what you expect him to do or to say. Your couple will be fine if each member have their own zone.

[Seraphim]

What you did was so out of line I would dump you.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Do you attend another program? Unfortunately your jealousy is quite unhealthy.

he goes to a mental illness daily day program where I don't go to. At this program there is a girl who is there that he has become very good friends with

[Hollyj]

Do you also have issues with your mental health?

 

Your actions were so wrong and over-the- top! He should dump you!

 

This has no chance, as you have no trust. I also suggest you educate yourself on gay people.

[smackie9]

Reality check: you don't trust your BF. If you want this to work, ask to meet this person...and for the record, a lot of support groups welcome spouses/bf/gf to join the meetings. You can learn about others experiences and what they struggle with, to help you gain a better perspective. Also you can share your experience in how you struggle living with someone with mental health issues. It's all about healing, and getting better right?

[melancholy123]

Wow who do you think you are that you believe it's ok to go thru a person's phone and delete people? I'd dump your ass so fast you wouldn't know what hit you. What you did is so wrong. Your jealousy and lack of trust will ruin your relationship with this guy. I think you need some therapy to get past your ridiculous jealousy that you seem to think is justified. You seem almost proud of what you did when it's completely wrong.

[j.man]

Ooftown, USA

[redswim30]

he goes to a mental illness daily day program where I don't go to. At this program there is a girl who is there that he has become very good friends with and I don't really trust their friendship. When we are home, he will talk to her in the phone or they will text eachother but I just don't trust their friendship! She is an attractive woman, yes she is but my boyfriend insists on saying to me that the girl is gay. Now to me, maybe she is but to me she still has the same body parts as I do. So I don't really trust the fact that he says she is gay. I honestly thinks he is saying that to keep me from being suspecious of their friendship. And if he really wanted it he's got other friends from his program that he could ask for her number. So, I guess I'll just wait until I noticed the number back in his contacts and try to enjoy the days that I don't have to deal with the two of them communicating!

 

You are out of line here. He has support from a friend from a mental illness program. You must not care about him very much to want to take that support and friendship away from him. They are in a program together and likely helping to support each other, how is that hard for you to understand? It's like if someone was in AA and had a sponsor and you deleted that sponsor from their phone because of your own insecurity and jealousy. That is VERY selfish of you.

 

What you are doing is being manipulative, controlling and irrationally jealous. You should break up with him, because you are too immature and he deserves to be treated with more respect than this.

 

He has given you no reason not to trust him, you are just choosing not to trust him, but you are giving him multiple reasons not to trust YOU.

Honestly, how would you feel if he did this to you? Deleted a contact for no reason other than he was irrationally jealous of someone?

 

Please break up with him. In your next relationship, you need to understand that there are opposite gender people in everyone's lives. If you can't understand that, then you aren't ready for an adult romance.

[Wiseman2]

In the US, group therapy is not open to jealous gfs policing their bfs.

Try to visit this group and see how he behaves with her during practice.

[Seraphim]

In the US, group therapy is not open to jealous gfs policing their bfs.

 

Agreed you can’t just opt into other people’s group therapy sessions.

 

If he’s smart he will get rid of her ( gf) and at least he should put a password on his phone.

[Cherylyn]

You and your boyfriend have differing values when it comes to friends of the opposite gender which is problematic. Both of you need to have friends of the opposite gender in order for both of you to be comfortable with opposite gender friends outside your relationship with each other. If both of you cannot and will not agree, then you're not meant for each other because this issue will be an endless source of contention.

 

It's not a matter of his female friend being gay nor is this concern about trust. It's a matter of not agreeing to his opposite gender friendship outside your relationship with you. You want his exclusive attention, time and energy and justly so. You don't want to share him with other females gay or not.

 

My husband and I have an unspoken code of conduct meaning we don't have opposite gender friends, period. This is not a problem because this is our comfort zone. We both believe in same values, we both practice what we're comfortable with, it's our form of respect and honor for our relationship and marriage. We both confide in each other. This is the way it has always been and it will remain this way permanently. Other couples whether our friends and family are the same.

 

I fully support other couples who have opposite gender friends and if they agree to it. Whatever other couples do is fine and they're entitled!

 

As for you and your boyfriend, you're the one who has to question whether or not you and your boyfriend can endure your relationship with him as is. He certainly won't change for you nor can you force him to change to your will. You two are either in lockstep regarding your values or you have vastly different values and belief systems. Either accept your boyfriend as he is habits, beliefs, values and all or be with a man who will make you exclusive and not have opposite gender friends just like what you practice.

 

You need to ask yourself if you're willing to make concessions and / or compromise. Some couples accept each other including disagreeing viewpoints whereas other couples prefer to be paired up with alike minds. The choice is yours regarding whether or not you wish to remain in your relationship without any changes.

 

Both of you have to want, believe, practice and value the same daily habits otherwise both of you will become defensive and argue all the time.

 

This issue will wear you down. Sooner or later, you'll end up breaking up with him. I hope you don't break up with him but only you can determine how much patience and tolerance you are willing to endure. Also, he too, will determine if he can have both: His gay female friend AND you simultaneously. If he decides to choose his freedom and his gay female friend over you, then you're out of the picture.

 

Sometimes you can't have everything in a man. Either accept your boyfriend as he is or dissolve the relationship and be with a man who agrees with you emphatically and sincerely.

[Snny]

This will backfire. I had a guy friend who had a very insecure fiancée that she was stalking my social media AND deleted my number.

 

I was engaged and had been with my husband (fiancé at the time) for 8 years. But she still perceived me as a threat.

 

He broke up with the fiancée because of her insecurities (she was very controlling) and managed to call up his mates to get my number back.

 

Seriously, please dump him.

[poorlittlefish]

If your boyfriend is such good friends with this girl then he will have noticed something's up by now. You think that by blocking and deleting her number she suddenly goes away and neither of them try to contact the other again? What's stopping him from unblocking her number and adding it back into his phone? I have never even looked at a partner's phone, let alone actually gone in and deleted stuff from it. Whether he's up to anything with her or not, if I found out you'd done that I would dump you and tell her all about it.

 

Rather than doing things behind his back, why not have a calm discussion with your boyfriend in which you say how you feel? He could help alleviate your fears by introducing you to her, no? Ultimately you can't tell him who he can and can't be friends with, but you can decide for yourself whether you want to be in a relationship with someone who has a close female friend or not.

[abitbroken]

why are you dating someone in a mental health day program?