He wants a divorce

[abitbroken]

I not out to screw him and neither is he. Trust me on this. It will be civil. We're both upstanding people with very sound morals. We've both always done the right thing and this will be no different.

 

its not about one of you screwing the other over --- its someone being in your corner -- there are things that you will not even thought about that they will. you will end up on the bad end of this. You are thinking of yourself as a healthy 66 year old, not a 77 or 88 divorcee who was counting on never getting divorced. You would get way more social security as a married couple or as his widow than you will being that you have not worked in years. If he has any military pension or pension from his employer coming to him, you will receive zero if he dies or retires. As far as 401k and retirement savings, an attorney on YOUR side would make sure you got your fair share of what was built during your marriage. They might even require a little more since you were counting on him working another 10 years.

 

So not for the sake of the 66 year old but for the sake of the 77 or 99 year old who does not want to lean on her children because she is on a very small fixed income

[goddess]

its not about one of you screwing the other over --- its someone being in your corner -- there are things that you will not even thought about that they will. you will end up on the bad end of this. You are thinking of yourself as a healthy 66 year old, not a 77 or 88 divorcee who was counting on never getting divorced. You would get way more social security as a married couple or as his widow than you will being that you have not worked in years. If he has any military pension or pension from his employer coming to him, you will receive zero if he dies or retires. As far as 401k and retirement savings, an attorney on YOUR side would make sure you got your fair share of what was built during your marriage. They might even require a little more since you were counting on him working another 10 years.

 

So not for the sake of the 66 year old but for the sake of the 77 or 99 year old who does not want to lean on her children because she is on a very small fixed income

 

OK, I will look into it. Thank you.

[Starlight925]

Please do NOT use the same lawyer! I'm begging you!

 

You can divorce in a very civil manner, but there is a reason that family law is its own specialty. This isn't about taking someone to the cleaners, or whatever. It's about breaking a binding legal contract in the most intelligent way possible.

 

Please, please get your own lawyer.

[Starlight925]

Re: Being 66 and starting over. I'm in a women's group of professional women, and I'm astounded by the women who reinvent themselves after their retirement. Women who were pretty much forced to retire at 65, starting entirely new careers, and being quite successful at it!

[DancingFool]

The same lawyer can't represent both of you OP - it's a conflict of interest. A respectable attorney will tell you that immediately and decline representing both of you and if they don't - beware.

 

As others have pointed out - you don't need to screw each other or be adversarial about things if you don't want to be. You can be absolutely amicable, BUT you still need someone in your corner to make certain that things are fair to you and properly done on your behalf.

[goddess]

That sounds encouraging. Thank you for the encouragement.

[goddess]

The same lawyer can't represent both of you OP - it's a conflict of interest. A respectable attorney will tell you that immediately and decline representing both of you and if they don't - beware.

 

As others have pointed out - you don't need to screw each other or be adversarial about things if you don't want to be. You can be absolutely amicable, BUT you still need someone in your corner to make certain that things are fair to you and properly done on your behalf.

 

Sounds like I need one. I know nothing of these things. I am really afraid though that if I do get my own lawyer, he will think that I don't trust him to do the right thing. He's funny that way. He told me yesterday that he thinks that one lawyer will be enough but perhaps he should talk to his lawyer about that. He does have an appointment to meet with him in a few weeks. He also saidyesterday that he won't be a di*k about it and I trust him. I am so confused. My understanding is that his lawyer will draw up a document and if it meets my husband's approval, then he'll sign it and I will get what I'm entitled to. I could just cry...

[Hollyj]

Get your own lawyer. They should not be deciding what you are entitled to.

 

What do the kids say?

[abitbroken]

Sounds like I need one. I know nothing of these things. I am really afraid though that if I do get my own lawyer, he will think that I don't trust him to do the right thing. He's funny that way. He told me yesterday that he thinks that one lawyer will be enough but perhaps he should talk to his lawyer about that. He does have an appointment to meet with him in a few weeks. He also saidyesterday that he won't be a di*k about it and I trust him. I am so confused. My understanding is that his lawyer will draw up a document and if it meets my husband's approval, then he'll sign it and I will get what I'm entitled to. I could just cry...

 

Seriously -- "if it meets my husband's approval - he'll sign". Honey, he will no longer be your husband when he signs. You are acting like "husband knows best" and you are at the table choosing health insurance or deciding whether you would like a retirement getaway condo in Boca or Flagstaff. There is no US after that -- you go from being married to being two people who are divorced. He doesn't get to leave you AND have it be 100% on his terms.

 

He wants this to be handled by him so that the truth does not get out - he wants to control the narrative that the two of you just simply decided to part ways for no reason.

 

I would not tell him you are talking to an attorney - i would just do it. Talk to more than one and see who you are comfortable with. AGREE TO NOTHING UNTIL THEN> Read reviews and recommendations. I think a woman will be more sympathetic to you and i would NOT HOLD BACK. I would tell the lawyer the circumstances -- that you are 66 and that your husband is leaving you, the mother of his children due to him wanting to lead a BDSM lifestyle or for sexual exploration. If you tell her that, and she is a good attorney, she will make sure that you get what you need.

 

You say he might feel offended that you get an attorney ---- well, how does he think you feel about him leaving you for scandalous reasons??

[Pleasedonot5]

Sounds like I need one. I know nothing of these things. I am really afraid though that if I do get my own lawyer, he will think that I don't trust him to do the right thing. He's funny that way. He told me yesterday that he thinks that one lawyer will be enough but perhaps he should talk to his lawyer about that. He does have an appointment to meet with him in a few weeks. He also saidyesterday that he won't be a di*k about it and I trust him. I am so confused. My understanding is that his lawyer will draw up a document and if it meets my husband's approval, then he'll sign it and I will get what I'm entitled to. I could just cry...

OP, three years from now, because you care so much about sparing his feelings, you'll be regretting the fact that you let him control you and screw you over. Is that what you want? Get your own lawyer and stand up for yourself. Who cares about his "feelings" on this issue. You're getting divorced and you need to have your own (legal) support.

[Seraphim]

His feelings are no longer your problem. Your life and stability are . Get a lawyer and stand up for your rights .

[DancingFool]

Sounds like I need one. I know nothing of these things. I am really afraid though that if I do get my own lawyer, he will think that I don't trust him to do the right thing. He's funny that way. He told me yesterday that he thinks that one lawyer will be enough but perhaps he should talk to his lawyer about that. He does have an appointment to meet with him in a few weeks. He also saidyesterday that he won't be a di*k about it and I trust him. I am so confused. My understanding is that his lawyer will draw up a document and if it meets my husband's approval, then he'll sign it and I will get what I'm entitled to. I could just cry...

 

OK, very well. Let his lawyer draft it. When he gives it to you to sign - you go take it to a lawyer and have them read it and advise you of your rights and so on. In short, have a lawyer verify for you what is right or not, even whether it's drafted properly and enforceable.

 

You don't even need to get into any argument with him about it. Simply tell him that you need to take some time to read it properly and understand it and then go to a good lawyer and get the help that you need. Do not allow him to pressure you in any way to sign immediately. If he so much as tries to, THAT is your big wake up call that he doesn't have fairness in his mind or heart. If he wants to be fair, he'll have no problem with you needing time to read and process.

 

Again, his lawyer can't represent you and your interests, can't play both sides of the table - total conflict of interest.

[Chelsea54]

OP. Please go back and read what I wrote earlier. The moment you are giving in to what he proposes that was not your idea, you are giving up your safety and security. Consider that you might be around for another 36 years and you don’t want to work and you don’t want to be a burden to the children you raised.

 

I’m adding one more voice to the crowd advising you to have your own attorney.

If YOUR attorney reads the divorce offer and tells you it’s equitable, then you can go back to Xhubby and tell him how great he was in being fair.

My hunch is, that will not be the case. Your attorney will want full documentation of his finances and might uncover financial items you are unaware of.

 

Along with sourcing your female shark lawyer, there is something else you need to do.

Now is the time to figure out how much it costs to maintain your current lifestyle. This will not only be the cost of rent, food, utilities, and auto. Think about covering health and life insurance, clothing, vacations, whatever youve been doing to remain youthful, money for gifts, salons, gym membership, dry cleaners, auto upgrades, the cost of your current hobby etc etc— you get the picture.

[itsallgrand]

Is he still pursuing this? Have you contacted an attorney to assess your situation? It will be a relief and it can be civil and not acrimonious if you see an attorney and see what the legal issues are from your end in dissolving a marriage. That would answer all your questions much more than defending being a stay at home mother, your former career, etc. It would also behoove you to see a financial planner regarding your upcoming retirement, savings, retirement accounts, pensions, social security, etc.

 

Absolutely agree she'd be smart to get financial advice as well.

 

A few years ago, a friend of mines mom was in a very similar situation. In her late 60s, hadn't worked for 25+ years, husband asked for a divorce because he wasn't happy anymore.

She had very little idea of what it actually costs to live, and to maintain the lifestyle she was accustomed to. Her daughter helped her keep the house - she figured she'd be fine in a fancy apartment, way underestimating what that actually costs .

She would have had blown thrown the house money in a year, she felt like she was entitled to a certain life.

 

Posters here actually are trying to help advocate for you. You have to make the decision though ultimately.

[Wiseman2]

Why is he volunteering this and insisting one lawyer? Ridiculous he's the "plaintiff", you're the "defendant", since he filing for divorce. He wants your head in the sand, exactly where it is. Since he's unfortunately already engaged an attorney, it seems he doesn't want mediation, which is cheaper and about coming to terms without lawyers. Interesting he got a lawyer instead of that.

He also said yesterday that he won't be a di*k about it and I trust him.

[Starlight925]

Why is he volunteering this and insisting one lawyer? Ridiculous he's the "plaintiff", you're the "defendant", since he filing for divorce. He wants your head in the sand, exactly where it is. Since he's unfortunately already engaged an attorney, it seems he doesn't want mediation, which is cheaper and about coming to terms without lawyers. Interesting he got a lawyer instead of that.

 

Bolded!!! Mediation!! If your husband's such a "great guy", who has convinced you he's going to be "so fair", why wouldn't he suggest, or entertain, mediation?

 

Please tell us when you've hired a very competent family law attorney. Ask around. Ask people who have been through divorce, or family members who may know someone. Look at avvo reviews (yes, I know, like yelp, they can be faked, but still look).

 

But please, I'm going to say this one more time, and then I promise I won't say another word on the subject: You are ending a binding legal contract. You need a lawyer.

[goddess]

Bolded!!! Mediation!! If your husband's such a "great guy", who has convinced you he's going to be "so fair", why wouldn't he suggest, or entertain, mediation?

 

Please tell us when you've hired a very competent family law attorney. Ask around. Ask people who have been through divorce, or family members who may know someone. Look at avvo reviews (yes, I know, like yelp, they can be faked, but still look).

 

But please, I'm going to say this one more time, and then I promise I won't say another word on the subject: You are ending a binding legal contract. You need a lawyer.

 

Yes, I think it's finally sunk in - I very much need a lawyer. I'm going to start asking around about where to find one where I live. Thank you all, I know I can be rather naive, even at my age. We both want fairness but as Dancing Fool and others have said: it would be a violation of ethics and a conflict of interest. Thank you ALL so much!

[lostandhurt]

There is nothing wrong with you protecting yourself. If he loves you so much he should insist you get legal advice from another source.

 

Now it is time for you to start doing your homework. Figure out what you will need to live on for the rest of your life. Rent or mortgage, insurance, furnishings, clothes, food and supplies, vacations, holiday gifts, medical, long term care insurance, vehicle costs, entertainment and on and on.

 

Start making notes as the days go by on what you spend or have in your life and you will be surprised how big the list might get. Also start thinking about what property you want in the divorce, where you want to live and prices to live there. You let him handle a lot of your life for a very long time but now it is all on you.

 

Lost

[goddess]

There is nothing wrong with you protecting yourself. If he loves you so much he should insist you get legal advice from another source.

 

Now it is time for you to start doing your homework. Figure out what you will need to live on for the rest of your life. Rent or mortgage, insurance, furnishings, clothes, food and supplies, vacations, holiday gifts, medical, long term care insurance, vehicle costs, entertainment and on and on.

 

Start making notes as the days go by on what you spend or have in your life and you will be surprised how big the list might get. Also start thinking about what property you want in the divorce, where you want to live and prices to live there. You let him handle a lot of your life for a very long time but now it is all on you.

 

Lost

 

Thank you for your wise advice. I thought about these things a bit but I believe writing them down is a great and solid way to go. You are so right that the fact that it's all on me now. I've always been so independent but, after marrying him, I let him take care of all the finances, partly because he knows more than I do in some areas. Truthfully, I don't even know if he's aware that one lawyer won't work for the two of us. I know I keep singing his praises but he truly is highly intelligent and I, along with many people over the years, have realized this.

[reinventmyself]

Sounds like I need one. I know nothing of these things. I am really afraid though that if I do get my own lawyer, he will think that I don't trust him to do the right thing. He's funny that way. He told me yesterday that he thinks that one lawyer will be enough but perhaps he should talk to his lawyer about that. He does have an appointment to meet with him in a few weeks. He also saidyesterday that he won't be a di*k about it and I trust him. I am so confused. My understanding is that his lawyer will draw up a document and if it meets my husband's approval, then he'll sign it and I will get what I'm entitled to. I could just cry...

 

This just makes me shudder. He stands to lose the most, so of course he'd say one lawyer for the 2 of you will do just fine. So did mine for that matter. What my ex thought he should pay was about 1/3 of what the court decided I was entitled to.

 

The nicest most upstanding people lose their sh*t when money's involved. Prepare to see a different side of him.

[abitbroken]

Yes, I think it's finally sunk in - I very much need a lawyer. I'm going to start asking around about where to find one where I live. Thank you all, I know I can be rather naive, even at my age. We both want fairness but as Dancing Fool and others have said: it would be a violation of ethics and a conflict of interest. Thank you ALL so much!

 

Don't "ask around" = look up on the internet. You don't want it become the talk of the town and it getting back to him that you are looking for an attorney. I think that he wants you in the dark because he has things to hide. If it were just the sex -- he would have wanted to go to a counselor or sex therapist with you vs throwing it all away -- there has got to be some other issue that he is not mentioning in the marriage or there is someone else lined up. Even if you don't think he is cheating, he surely has his eye on someone -- otherwise -- why risk losing the respect of his children at the very least??

[reinventmyself]

It's times like this that I often think that someone behaves so badly in an attempt to force your hand.

He gets to be the good guy. . (because you clearly paint him this way) and he continue to do the very thing over and over again that he know will push out the door.

 

Meanwhile, you feel guilty because you initiated it. But might not be what's going on.

 

I could be totally wrong. And if I am, I apologies. But it is something to think about.

[goddess]

I know I do. I'm finally coming to terms with it.

[goddess]

Don't "ask around" = look up on the internet. You don't want it become the talk of the town and it getting back to him that you are looking for an attorney. I think that he wants you in the dark because he has things to hide. If it were just the sex -- he would have wanted to go to a counselor or sex therapist with you vs throwing it all away -- there has got to be some other issue that he is not mentioning in the marriage or there is someone else lined up. Even if you don't think he is cheating, he surely has his eye on someone -- otherwise -- why risk losing the respect of his children at the very least??

 

We did go to a counselor about 3 years ago and it helped -- for a while. I mentioned it again about a week ago and he's not interested. We always seems to land back on square one. Clearly, this has to stop, for both our sake. We do not see eye-to-eye on this particular issue. Amen. Time to move on. Personally, I think he needs therapy more than I do.

[Unreasonable]

This guy is going to have a rude awakening. I don't think there are many women that are going to satisfy his predilections. And then he's going to stuck with someone else that does not satisfy him, plus alimony.