He wants a divorce

[goddess]

What you are failing to understand is that you don't owe this to him in the first place and what you have done for him is above and beyond average. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Literally most women out there would have tossed him out long ago. Also, I'll second whoever said - he is not a hero for working and paying the bills. It's what people do. He is NOT special for working and providing for his family. Just an average run of the muck schmuck. A dime a dozen. This world is full of men who are...working to provide for their family. It's how society functions pretty much. You ALSO worked your azz off raising the children, servicing his ungrateful azz and you give yourself zero credit and that is a problem.

 

You are his wife, not a prostitute performing services for pay for crying out loud. Yet you have allowed this pig of a poor excuse of a human that you keep calling a great husband to treat you as such and to complain, pitch tantrums and otherwise keep threatening you with divorce whenever he is not sufficiently satisfied with services rendered. This is not how marriage works.

 

Your real fault in all of this is that you are codependent and didn't drop kick him out of your life years ago. Either way, it's not too late now. Own this divorce and get a pitbull of a lawyer to take care of your interests because you are currently way too damaged and too weak to take care of yourself. You will thank yourself later once you are finally out of this fog you've been living in.

 

Geez, I never looked at it this way! I will own this divorce and I feel better about it already. Thank you, DancingFool.

[abitbroken]

Geez, I never looked at it this way! I will own this divorce and I feel better about it already. Thank you, DancingFool.

 

If you had a career and a decent income, i can understand not contesting anything -- the house would be split, etc -- one would buy the other out or it would sell, etc. But since you are the dependent spouse, what will you walk away with? An apartment that your ex pays for (if that's the case- so much smarter that he buys you a small house outright), but what then? How will your survive? Unless you start a business, etc, you are not going to be able as a woman in her 60s walk into the employment agency and receive gainful employment with no work history in the past 20 years unless you have been taking courses and constantly updating your skills.

 

Has he been like this the entire marriage? Is he comfortable telling the kids why he left you?

 

I agree- -- get an attorney - STAT. A good one. And i would be honest at why he wants a divorce. If you get a really, really good female attorney who is a real shark, she will want to take him to the cleaners for leaving you over sex.

 

Are you positiive that there is not another woman? Because if not, you would have thought he would have asked you for an open marriage (which i would not have done) or had been getting a book about the style of sex he wanted for you to read so instead of him just making demands, you could see if there was a way to compromise.

 

Has he been like this the whole marriage? If not, is this a midlife crisis? Does he simply desire to find a younger woman??.

[itsallgrand]

So you were 37 and he was 24 when you got married. You've worked for four years in that time. You don't cook, you don't clean, he's paid to support you and the children you both made. Wow. You must be so repelled at the idea of taking care of yourself to be willing to trade in yourself in exchange for provision.

Truth is, you have him by the balls and I think you know that. You saying he'd have to pay for three households - what? No.

Depending where you are, he'll most likely have to pay for your care for the rest of his life. Half of assets, alimony, any pension he may have - yours.

Doesn't really seem fair to me, but that's how it goes a lot of times when a spouse is a total dependent.

He's probably been putting off the divorce a long time knowing he's going to get cleaned out when it happens.

 

Lawyer up and you'll be set for life. He'll have to pay for the lawyer too.

 

Not saying he isn't a jerk, but yes, two peas in a pod with an agreement to use each other. You happen to have marriage law on your side.

[thealchemist]

My wife has has to content with my very high libido and sometimes it gets a bit overwhelming to her.

 

We both work at improving our sex life.

 

She might also intent to do things indefinitely but guess what, life gets in the way and our sex is not the most important thing in the world.

 

You honestly seem very similar in this regard to my wife, many things you have said do.

 

But it sounds like the difference is your husband is an @sshole.

 

I understand my wife will not be able to 100% be at my sexual level, but she tries her @ss off and I am extremely grateful for it.

 

Yes, sometimes we can't do stuff when we really want to and I get upset. I just get frustrated but I really don't want my wife feeling bad about it at all because that would just be counter intuitive to our improving of our sex life.

 

If your husband is so immature he can't deal with his frustration in this so he takes it out on you then he is just a selfish jerk.

 

I'm 30 and I learned awhile ago that my annoyance about these kind of things only worsens the situation. If you can't control the annoyance at least make it obviously not directed at the person you want more intimacy with.

[SherrySher]

So you were 37 and he was 24 when you got married. You've worked for four years in that time. You don't cook, you don't clean, he's paid to support you and the children you both made. Wow. You must be so repelled at the idea of taking care of yourself to be willing to trade in yourself in exchange for provision.

Truth is, you have him by the balls and I think you know that. You saying he'd have to pay for three households - what? No.

Depending where you are, he'll most likely have to pay for your care for the rest of his life. Half of assets, alimony, any pension he may have - yours.

Doesn't really seem fair to me, but that's how it goes a lot of times when a spouse is a total dependent.

He's probably been putting off the divorce a long time knowing he's going to get cleaned out when it happens.

 

Lawyer up and you'll be set for life. He'll have to pay for the lawyer too.

 

Not saying he isn't a jerk, but yes, two peas in a pod with an agreement to use each other. You happen to have marriage law on your side.

 

Completely agree.

He didn't have a gun to your head when it came to sex. I don't see you as the victim here. What exactly in the present do you do for your husband? Without sounding sarcastic, a true and honest answer..?

[Starlight925]

Retaining a lawyer isn't about who cooks, who cleans, or who provides more oral sex. It's not about who is going to take the other partner to court, to take them to the cleaners, to wipe them out, whatever.

 

It's about 29 years of financial history together. There are simply laws provided in splitting up assets fairly and equitably, and it's irresponsible not to retain a lawyer.

 

My personal opinion is that this is simply a matter of two people who have different desires, and different feelings about what a marriage should be. He should be free to find his femdom, nothing wrong with that. And she should be free to be on her own, or find a more vanilla-sex type of guy, nothing wrong with that.

 

This is simply about splitting assets fairly.

[goddess]

If you had a career and a decent income, i can understand not contesting anything -- the house would be split, etc -- one would buy the other out or it would sell, etc. But since you are the dependent spouse, what will you walk away with? An apartment that your ex pays for (if that's the case- so much smarter that he buys you a small house outright), but what then? How will your survive? Unless you start a business, etc, you are not going to be able as a woman in her 60s walk into the employment agency and receive gainful employment with no work history in the past 20 years unless you have been taking courses and constantly updating your skills.

 

Has he been like this the entire marriage? Is he comfortable telling the kids why he left you?

 

I agree- -- get an attorney - STAT. A good one. And i would be honest at why he wants a divorce. If you get a really, really good female attorney who is a real shark, she will want to take him to the cleaners for leaving you over sex.

 

Are you positiive that there is not another woman? Because if not, you would have thought he would have asked you for an open marriage (which i would not have done) or had been getting a book about the style of sex he wanted for you to read so instead of him just making demands, you could see if there was a way to compromise.

 

Has he been like this the whole marriage? If not, is this a midlife crisis? Does he simply desire to find a younger woman??.

 

I am very positive that there's no other woman. In that regard, he is extremely decent. In spite of finding it extremely hard to talk about his weird (in my opinion) sexual desires, he did confide them to me at the beginning of our marriage; can't quite remember exactly. After hearing him out, I nearly had a heart attack. I just couldn't believe what he just said. I was shocked. That said, he explained it further, bought me books, etc. The more I found out about it, I believe that subconsciously I was kind of repulsed. But, I respected my vows ("for better or for worse"). Well, this was my "worse" so I made a sincere effort to fulfill his wishes. Did I enjoy it? Not really, but I did it for him because it was so important to him. I read articles on-line in addition to the books he gave me and I just became more and more upset. I cannot stress enough how much I wanted to please him. Do realize that my needs are pretty basic: oral sex, intercourse and a few other things are fine, but the other things were just too much. He pleases me so much that I felt guilty to not reciprocate to the extent that he wanted. Anyway, I did try through the years and I would do what he wanted and he was so very pleased. But, I didn't get much out of it. In fact, I was quite uncomfortable and felt ridiculous.

 

About 5-6 years, I simply refused to continue what we were doing and told him. I think he understood but I also think that anger and resentment festered inside him. He toned it down and wanted to be be in control of his organisms. It was up to me when to "allow" him. to come. OK, I did that but life got in the way and I sort of stopped. He reminded me again, got into an argument because he said that he doesn't complain about my quirks (not cleaning often, not cooking, etc) and suggested divorce. It happened again a few years later and we went to a therapist. It got better for a while but I reverted back to not doing what he asked (controlling when he comes). He's mentioned divorce again. I cannot do this anymore. I give up. It's not that I'm refusing to have sex with him but something is holding me back. I think it would be better to just go our separate ways. Too bad he puts so much weight on this because everything else is absolutely wonderful.

[goddess]

So you were 37 and he was 24 when you got married. You've worked for four years in that time. You don't cook, you don't clean, he's paid to support you and the children you both made. Wow. You must be so repelled at the idea of taking care of yourself to be willing to trade in yourself in exchange for provision.

Truth is, you have him by the balls and I think you know that. You saying he'd have to pay for three households - what? No.

Depending where you are, he'll most likely have to pay for your care for the rest of his life. Half of assets, alimony, any pension he may have - yours.

Doesn't really seem fair to me, but that's how it goes a lot of times when a spouse is a total dependent.

He's probably been putting off the divorce a long time knowing he's going to get cleaned out when it happens.

 

Lawyer up and you'll be set for life. He'll have to pay for the lawyer too.

 

Not saying he isn't a jerk, but yes, two peas in a pod with an agreement to use each other. You happen to have marriage law on your side.

 

Just so you know, I've always been an extremely independent and very capable person. We have an incredible marriage except for his sexual desires tht go beyond the "norm" and my inability to continue without occasionally being reminded to sexually do what he wants. We have oral sex and intercourse very often. The issue here is that I don't like to go beyond "regular" sex and do what he wishes, that's all. I'm all for sex, but not weird sex. But, apparently, to him, it's an extremely high priority.

We don't "use" each other. The real sex is wonderful - he just wants more

[Seraphim]

It was HIS job to tell you about his fetishes BEFORE marriage not AFTER.

[lostandhurt]

Would you consider an open marriage? It would have to be equally open though, not just him being able to go be pushed around by some woman. That is the only other option I can see.

 

Alimony will be paid by him to you for a very long time. Since you haven't worked in so long social security will come out of his account and medical needs to be considered.

 

Are you planning on working after the divorce? There are great many details when a marriage of 29 yrs gets split apart.

 

Be sure to get legal advice you can trust and run it past us or someone you know will give you an honest opinion.

 

Lost

[Wiseman2]

He's into the BDSM lifestyle and you are not. Sexual incompatibility is a valid and frequent reason for divorce. You'll both be a lot happier. An attorney is needed because a marriage isn't about bjs it's a legally binding contract with multiple financial ramifications that must be resolved on divorce. You are not dating where you simply breakup by verbal discussion. You have a legally binding contract that only courts can dissolve.

[reinventmyself]

 

No, he is definitely not having an affair. He's one of a kind in that sense; rare find..

This made me jump out my chair.

I hope you do realize that a faithful loving man is neither rare, nor one of kind.

Please don't give him credit for having minimal decency where this is concerned and do not over look his treatment towards you because you consider him unique in this sense.

[Seraphim]

This made me jump out my chair.

I hope you do realize that a faithful loving man is neither rare, nor one of kind.

Please don't give him credit for having minimal decency where this is concerned and do not over look his treatment towards you because he's something special.

 

Absolutely. Many faithful men out there.

[goddess]

Completely agree.

He didn't have a gun to your head when it came to sex. I don't see you as the victim here. What exactly in the present do you do for your husband? Without sounding sarcastic, a true and honest answer..?

 

First of all, I am not claiming to be a victim. It's simply an issue of his having certain sexual preferences other than "normal" sex and my hesitation to continue to do them regularly (I start for several weeks/months, then I stop). He reminds me and I start again, etc. That aside, we have sex 3-4 times a week and I give him oral sex nearly every night, which pleases him and me. So, that's not the problem. I took care of my kids while when were in school. One is still in college and the other will start graduate school. They are, obviously, independent. Until then, I was nearly solely responsible for taking care of them and all that that entails, the house, etc because my husband worked very long hours and still does. Yes, I did cook for the kids when my husband got home late. But, since he truly enjoys cooking, I let him do it. I don't enjoy cooking and he does, so why not? And, no, I don't vacuum/dust often; I have better things to do. Once the younger one graduated high school, I was able to relax and pursue my hobby. After all, I'm 66, so I've done my share of the work, so to speak.

[goddess]

It was HIS job to tell you about his fetishes BEFORE marriage not AFTER.

 

He didn't feel comfortable talking about it. We got married 11 months after we met. He worked and I worked and life was very hectic. And, yes, he works on weekend some of the time.

[Seraphim]

He didn't feel comfortable talking about it. We got married 11 months after we met. He worked and I worked and life was very hectic. And, yes, he works on weekend some of the time.

 

He felt uncomfortable talking about it to the person he was going to marry ???? That’s a sign not to get married . You should be able to talk about everything . He didn’t talk about it because he knew you wouldn’t marry him. Working long hours and working on weekends is not a reason not to talk . It just isn’t. My husband is in the military and was away for almost 5 years we saw him every second weekend for five years and sometimes not even that because he would be away for six months of that at a time . We weren’t even on the same continent and we still communicated. Work is not a reason to not communicate .

[goddess]

Would you consider an open marriage? It would have to be equally open though, not just him being able to go be pushed around by some woman. That is the only other option I can see.

 

Alimony will be paid by him to you for a very long time. Since you haven't worked in so long social security will come out of his account and medical needs to be considered.

 

Are you planning on working after the divorce? There are great many details when a marriage of 29 yrs gets split apart.

 

Be sure to get legal advice you can trust and run it past us or someone you know will give you an honest opinion.

 

Lost

 

No, I'm not for open marriages. I took my vows seriously. Remember, that I'm 66, so I don't think I could find a job and I would rather not try. I nearly solely took care of our kids because of his demanding job so not I would like to relax and enjoy my hobby (which keeps me quite busy). You seem so caring - thank you!

[abitbroken]

First of all, I am not claiming to be a victim. It's simply an issue of his having certain sexual preferences other than "normal" sex and my hesitation to continue to do them regularly (I start for several weeks/months, then I stop). He reminds me and I start again, etc. That aside, we have sex 3-4 times a week and I give him oral sex nearly every night, which pleases him and me. So, that's not the problem. I took care of my kids while when were in school. One is still in college and the other will start graduate school. They are, obviously, independent. Until then, I was nearly solely responsible for taking care of them and all that that entails, the house, etc because my husband worked very long hours and still does. Yes, I did cook for the kids when my husband got home late. But, since he truly enjoys cooking, I let him do it. I don't enjoy cooking and he does, so why not? And, no, I don't vacuum/dust often; I have better things to do. Once the younger one graduated high school, I was able to relax and pursue my hobby. After all, I'm 66, so I've done my share of the work, so to speak.

 

Ok -- i am wondering why you only discovered this after marriage. If he knew that he had all these fetishes, I am inclined to believe he was having sex before he met you. If you happened to have a sexual relationship with him before marriage, I find it impossible that you didn't know -- OR extremely deceiving that he did not reveal this before marriage. Honestly, if he revealed this several months after marriage, you could have left and the court may have even considered it an annulment perhaps.

 

It is very odd to me that after all these years of him working with the fact that you are not on board with this all the time (okay once in awhile to role play, but not every moment) that he would suddenly want a divorce over it. His drive for a divorce is really confusing if nothing has really changed recently -- its the same life of you periodically joining in and then drifting away from feeling comfortable with it. Has he discovered why he is this so important to him? Did something happen to him as a child or a young man that makes him only be able to experience sexual gratification through BDSM? Has he unpacked it or is he willing? He sounds beyond wanting to uncover that and it seems that he puts his experiences over the respect he should give you as his wife.

 

I can say that there may be a possibility that he will leave you and then want to come back because he misses the domestic life with you when trying to find a kinky woman is not all its cracked up to be.

[abitbroken]

Yes, I did cook for the kids when my husband got home late. But, since he truly enjoys cooking, I let him do it. I don't enjoy cooking and he does, so why not? And, no, I don't vacuum/dust often; I have better things to do. Once the younger one graduated high school, I was able to relax and pursue my hobby. After all, I'm 66, so I've done my share of the work, so to speak.

 

If your husband is still working long hours, I really think that you should still keep house, so to speak. Its great to focus on a hobby now that the kids are independent and you can do so --- but really, if my retired that was telling my working mother that "he had better things to do" than vacuum, pick up the house a bit so she is not coming home to a mess, and cut the lawn - how would that go over? Even if he enjoys cooking - let him whip up gourmet meals on the weekend or when he is excited to try a new recipe, but why aren't you having simple meals prepared or able to heat up during the week? Ready unless the cooking mood strikes him? If you are off doing your hobby and have decided you are retired form housework and he comes home, cooks and cleans because you are "retired" and have "done enough work" -- don't you think he has done enough work during the day?

[goddess]

He felt uncomfortable talking about it to the person he was going to marry ???? That’s a sign not to get married . You should be able to talk about everything . He didn’t talk about it because he knew you wouldn’t marry him.

 

Not neccessarily. I loved him deeply and that wouldn't have stopped me from marrying him. Of course, I didn't know too much about it. He was trying to deny it to himself and thought he could keep it at bay. But, I didn't think I'd be so uncomfortable doing these things, in retrospect. Have you ever read Fifty shades... Well, not for everybody but I was willing to give it shot. Unfortunately, sad for him, and not my cup of tea. Yes, we do talk about everything, including his "odd" desired or whatever you want to call them and we're on on the same page.

[Seraphim]

Not neccessarily. I loved him deeply and that wouldn't have stopped me from marrying him. Of course, I didn't know too much about it. He was trying to deny it to himself and thought he could keep it at bay. But, I didn't think I'd be so uncomfortable doing these things, in retrospect. Have you ever read Fifty shades... Well, not for everybody but I was willing to give it shot. Unfortunately, sad for him, and not my cup of tea. Yes, we do talk about everything, including his "odd" desired or whatever you want to call them and we're on on the same page.

 

No, books like that are not my thing.

[goddess]

He felt uncomfortable talking about it to the person he was going to marry ???? That’s a sign not to get married . You should be able to talk about everything . He didn’t talk about it because he knew you wouldn’t marry him. Working long hours and working on weekends is not a reason not to talk . It just isn’t. My husband is in the military and was away for almost 5 years we saw him every second weekend for five years and sometimes not even that because he would be away for six months of that at a time . We weren’t even on the same continent and we still communicated. Work is not a reason to not communicate .

 

You make it sound so easy. Some people have real fears about talking about certain topics. I have a dear friend who is gay and he had an incredibly hard time dealing with his feelings. Unfortunately, he got married, had a child, and thought he could keep his feeling at bay. Well, he had to face his reality at his wife's expense. It's not as black and white as you may think.

[goddess]

Yes, I did cook for the kids when my husband got home late. But, since he truly enjoys cooking, I let him do it. I don't enjoy cooking and he does, so why not? And, no, I don't vacuum/dust often; I have better things to do. Once the younger one graduated high school, I was able to relax and pursue my hobby. After all, I'm 66, so I've done my share of the work, so to speak.

 

If your husband is still working long hours, I really think that you should still keep house, so to speak. Its great to focus on a hobby now that the kids are independent and you can do so --- but really, if my retired that was telling my working mother that "he had better things to do" than vacuum, pick up the house a bit so she is not coming home to a mess, and cut the lawn - how would that go over? Even if he enjoys cooking - let him whip up gourmet meals on the weekend or when he is excited to try a new recipe, but why aren't you having simple meals prepared or able to heat up during the week? Ready unless the cooking mood strikes him? If you are off doing your hobby and have decided you are retired form housework and he comes home, cooks and cleans because you are "retired" and have "done enough work" -- don't you think he has done enough work during the day?

 

Don't get me wrong, I do keep house but I'm not fanatical about it. I clean the bathrooms daily, tidy up, wash the dishes, do the laundry, go grocery shopping, run errands etc. I just don't get up and sit on my butt all day. On the days that he gets home at a decent time, he cooks because he enjoys it and it's an outlet. On the days when he gets home very late (anywhere between 9 p, to MN), he either quickly eats at work and has a snack when he comes home.

[goddess]

Because he tried to keep it at bay. He was only 24 when we met but he had your good old-fashioned sex before we met. He never spoke about his fetishes to anyone, or did he try it with anyone. We met, fell in love, and married 11 months later. I suppose he thought these desires would go away. After all, people grow up and mature. He wants a divorce now because we go through this scenario every 3-5 years. He's threatened divorce a number of times in the past already. We went to therapy and it got better but it always goes back to square one. He's finally reached his limit. I promise to do it, then renege. It's the straw that broke the camel's back, I guess. Simply stated, he wants more than "regular" sex, and I am unable to follow through.

 

Also, I don't know why he harbors these extreme feelings. Neither does he. He did have issues with his mom. His parents both worked and sort of neglected him and didn't make him feel as if he mattered. Rather selfish of them. They obviously loved him, but something was missing.

[DancingFool]

OP - the very reason he had the capacity to pursue his career and income the way he has is because YOU took care of everything else and essentially gave him the ability to do what he wants work wise. You were there to take care of the home, raise the kids, be there when they are sick, take them where they need to go, make sure homework is done, etc, etc, etc. So many people have this deluded idea that being a housewife is easy - it isn't. It's a thankless job without benefits or days off.

 

You have contributed to this marriage and this man's career in countless ways for 29 years. Please please please get an aggressive lawyer who will ensure that you get your fair share from this.

 

I will keep saying this over and over - please get counseling for yourself. You are grateful to him for such basic things that are just common - working, supporting his family, being loyal (that you know of) - this is literally nothing to be grateful about, these are just everyday basics that billions of men do on this planet every single day. You have him on this pedestal, but he has done nothing to deserve it and a lot NOT to deserve it.