He wants a divorce

[Wiseman2]

Agree he's the one with a problem. Isn't constantly threatening you with divorce if you don't suck him off every night and play BDSM games seem abusive to you?

We always seems to land back on square one. We do not see eye-to-eye on this particular issue.Personally, I think he needs therapy more than I do.

[abitbroken]

Agree he's the one with a problem. Isn't constantly threatening you with divorce if you don't suck him off every night and play BDSM games seem abusive to you?

 

I would almost be tempted to tell her to say "No. I am not coming down to meet with your lawyer because i do not want a divorce." As long as you are not in a state with default divorce (which is not no fault divorce - it means if the other party doesn't sign that they agree, the divorce goes through automatically in so many days) but at the same time, secretly see your OWN attorney. But either way, see YOUR lawyer. I would be tempted to say "so, you are comfortable with telling the children that you are leaving their mother because she won't spank you with a whip?" Of course, i am kidding, but seriously, what is he thinking?

[abitbroken]

Agree he's the one with a problem. Isn't constantly threatening you with divorce if you don't suck him off every night and play BDSM games seem abusive to you?

 

AGREE. Who would leave their spouse of that many years -- mother of their kids where everything else in their marriage was good -- to me, it sounds like a mid-life crisis. If he left in the beginning, that would have been another matter. I bet he's going to end up very lonely -- or even crawling back to her after he gets his kicks with a 25 year old.

[itsallgrand]

AGREE. Who would leave their spouse of that many years -- mother of their kids where everything else in their marriage was good -- to me, it sounds like a mid-life crisis. If he left in the beginning, that would have been another matter. I bet he's going to end up very lonely -- or even crawling back to her after he gets his kicks with a 25 year old.

 

Sometimes these men have entire other lives with another woman or more than one. The wives overlook bad behaviour until divorce is forced on them. But usually, there is deep unhappiness for a long long time.

[annie24]

AGREE. Who would leave their spouse of that many years -- mother of their kids where everything else in their marriage was good -- to me, it sounds like a mid-life crisis. If he left in the beginning, that would have been another matter. I bet he's going to end up very lonely -- or even crawling back to her after he gets his kicks with a 25 year old.

 

How many 25 year olds are itching to hook up with a 53 year old, unless he's George Clooney??

 

I don't know if you have been to a marriage counselor recently (I know you said you did a few years ago). I think it's worth going again, but if he doesn't want to, then there's not much you can do. Would you have considered having an open marriage where he explored his sexual needs separately from you?? And you had the option of meeting new men yourself?? It seems like a shame to break up a long term relationship over this issue if everything else is good, but I don't know if everything else is good.

 

Google "Divorce lawyer and (name of your city)" and I'm sure you will get some good hits. You might want to have meetings with a few of them before you settle on one.

 

Hugs and hang in there.

[goddess]

OK, so this thread has gotten a bit out of hand. My original message stated that "he would like for me to do a little something just about every day... I start out by doing what he likes for several weeks or a month, then I stop. It no longer deals with BDSM. He gave that up a number of years ago because I just couldn't deal with it but I certainly tried it. As I just mentioned, he would like for me to do a little something every day, even twice a day. That said, I am talking about things like when we cuddle in the morning, he's the one who cuddles next to me and I just lay there and enjoy his closeness. He wakes up first, does his morning routine, and comes back to bed to wake me up and cuddle. Instead of just laying there, he would like for me to tell him to play with himself, or give him a hand job or to perform oral sex on me, etc. I don't even think about doing those things in the morning. He'd like the same when he comes home from work or at night; just 10-15 minutes. It just dawned on me that perhaps I am not very demonstrative. As I also mentioned, he wants me to take control of when he is allowed to come. All this is of paramount importance but he just gets annoyed saying that if I really loved him I would make it a point to make him happy. We talked a little today and he told me that he feels that what he wants is not too much to ask, considering all that he does for me, like cooking (because he loves it)even though he works and I don't, never complains when I spend money (although I feel that I am conscientious), he doesn't ever complain that the house is rather messy (we're actually very laid back).

 

So, is what he wants a bit too much, is it me, is it him, or is it both of us? Please be honest and fair to both of us with your opinions.

[annie24]

I don't think any of us can tell you that what he wants is too much or just right or too little. I've not been married myself, but I know every marriage is different in terms of how much sex, how much time spent together, who cooks, who cleans, etc.... I don't think that there is a correct answer, rather, one that works for the couple. That's kind of why I was wondering if you'd be ok with an open marriage - he can get his additional needs met if you don't mind.

 

But if he has already initiated divorce proceedings, then I guess the question is moot.

[DancingFool]

Have you considered an open marriage?

[goddess]

I don't think any of us can tell you that what he wants is too much or just right or too little. I've not been married myself, but I know every marriage is different in terms of how much sex, how much time spent together, who cooks, who cleans, etc.... I don't think that there is a correct answer, rather, one that works for the couple. That's kind of why I was wondering if you'd be ok with an open marriage - he can get his additional needs met if you don't mind.

 

But if he has already initiated divorce proceedings, then I guess the question is moot.

 

No way, not ever. I believe in good old-fashioned marriage, with high respect to the vows "in sickness and in health, etc". Being faithful to one person is an extremely high priority.

[Hollyj]

If you don't want to service him everyday, you shouldn't. You are not a prostitite. I also think it's terrible very guilt trips you because he's the one that makes the money. very manipulative

[goddess]

Have you considered an open marriage?

 

Are you kidding??? No way. As I said to annie24, I would never even consider it. What's the point of an open marriage? So you can run around and do whatever with other people and that make's it OK? Seriously. Marriage, to me, is sacred.

[annie24]

After 29 years, I'm sure that you'd agree that marriage is more than just about sex. It's a legal commitment, you share a house, finances, a life, maybe pets and children? I'm not saying that I would want an open marriage myself, but just wondering if you guys are ready to throw away the marriage over the sex issue. If he's unhappy with this one aspect of your relationship but is fine with everything else, and if you want to stay married, then it's worth thinking about compromises. If that's not an ok compromise, and you don't want to do the things he wants to do daily (which is fine!) then maybe divorce is the only option? I don't know - he sounds unhappy if he's bringing up divorce, so I think it's worth figuring out what you will or won't do.

[DancingFool]

No way, not ever. I believe in good old-fashioned marriage, with high respect to the vows "in sickness and in health, etc". Being faithful to one person is an extremely high priority.

 

So does that include being treated like a prostitute? He is literally demanding you to service him. That's not love or respect toward you, not even a healthy sexual relationship between a husband and wife. More like some weird power trip where he wants you to wake up and service him in the morning and again when he gets home. Sorry, but this is pretty ugly.

 

IF we are to give him the benefit of the doubt about being this good man that you want us to believe that he is, then OK, he has extreme high sex drive for a man his age. Only reasonable solution then is an open marriage because...well...it would realistically take multiple women to keep him satisfied so to speak. OR....I mean he could be the loving, caring husband that you claim he is and help himself and ease off you instead of guilt tripping you and treating you like a paid hooker, not to mention constantly manipulating you with the threat of divorce.

 

Round and round we go, OP, but your picture just doesn't get any prettier. I honestly think that the only reason your marriage has lasted this long is because you have spent your life blindly dotting on him and turning yourself inside out doing whatever to please him. Somewhere along the way, you have completely lost yourself and your sense of right and wrong.

[annie24]

Have you two talked about going to a couples' sex therapist together?

[itsallgrand]

OK, so this thread has gotten a bit out of hand. My original message stated that "he would like for me to do a little something just about every day... I start out by doing what he likes for several weeks or a month, then I stop. It no longer deals with BDSM. He gave that up a number of years ago because I just couldn't deal with it but I certainly tried it. As I just mentioned, he would like for me to do a little something every day, even twice a day. That said, I am talking about things like when we cuddle in the morning, he's the one who cuddles next to me and I just lay there and enjoy his closeness. He wakes up first, does his morning routine, and comes back to bed to wake me up and cuddle. Instead of just laying there, he would like for me to tell him to play with himself, or give him a hand job or to perform oral sex on me, etc. I don't even think about doing those things in the morning. He'd like the same when he comes home from work or at night; just 10-15 minutes. It just dawned on me that perhaps I am not very demonstrative. As I also mentioned, he wants me to take control of when he is allowed to come. All this is of paramount importance but he just gets annoyed saying that if I really loved him I would make it a point to make him happy. We talked a little today and he told me that he feels that what he wants is not too much to ask, considering all that he does for me, like cooking (because he loves it)even though he works and I don't, never complains when I spend money (although I feel that I am conscientious), he doesn't ever complain that the house is rather messy (we're actually very laid back).

 

So, is what he wants a bit too much, is it me, is it him, or is it both of us? Please be honest and fair to both of us with your opinions.

 

I honestly think it's both of you.

 

How he treats you is more like a live in prostitute than a love or a wife. There isn't the respect there when someone is ok treating someone like that. He basically has an attitude of 'well I don't have to respect her, I've bought and paid for this over the years'.

 

You though, instead of telling him to bugger off and go long ago, stuck around so that you may live a certain lifestyle and not have to think about such things as being responsible for your own self and well being.

You are so loathe to care for your own self and responsibilities that you sold yourself out.

 

Trying to cobble back together what is a sick arrangement isn't the solution. He has no desire to change, you have no desire to change. It's 29 years of this, even if you both wanted to change, odds would be slim at success.

 

I know you wanted to ride this train for life, but he's done, there's really no need in his eyes for you to be rattling around in the house when he's working, there's not even kids in the home, and you aren't meeting the sexual needs he has .

 

It sounds harsh, and it is, but to me, what do you really expect when one adult is in charge of basic life for another adult who has been of healthy body and fully capable of their own care? We aren't talking about a couple who decided one would stay home when the kids are little here, we are talking about one person signing off on adult responsibilities for life.

 

The only way to straighten things up at this point is to actually take on those things you have been responsible for now. It won't be easy, you are used to someone doing everything for you. But if you don't take charge of your own future and what you need for that now, it will be your kids racked with guilt and trying to take care of mom for fear of seeing her suffer in any way. I hope you won't transfer your dependency onto your kids. I hope you'll do whatever you have to to make sure you take care of you.

[goddess]

I honestly think it's both of you.

 

How he treats you is more like a live in prostitute than a love or a wife. There isn't the respect there when someone is ok treating someone like that. He basically has an attitude of 'well I don't have to respect her, I've bought and paid for this over the years'.

 

You though, instead of telling him to bugger off and go long ago, stuck around so that you may live a certain lifestyle and not have to think about such things as being responsible for your own self and well being.

You are so loathe to care for your own self and responsibilities that you sold yourself out.

 

Trying to cobble back together what is a sick arrangement isn't the solution. He has no desire to change, you have no desire to change. It's 29 years of this, even if you both wanted to change, odds would be slim at success.

 

I know you wanted to ride this train for life, but he's done, there's really no need in his eyes for you to be rattling around in the house when he's working, there's not even kids in the home, and you aren't meeting the sexual needs he has .

 

It sounds harsh, and it is, but to me, what do you really expect when one adult is in charge of basic life for another adult who has been of healthy body and fully capable of their own care? We aren't talking about a couple who decided one would stay home when the kids are little here, we are talking about one person signing off on adult responsibilities for life.

 

The only way to straighten things up at this point is to actually take on those things you have been responsible for now. It won't be easy, you are used to someone doing everything for you. But if you don't take charge of your own future and what you need for that now, it will be your kids racked with guilt and trying to take care of mom for fear of seeing her suffer in any way. I hope you won't transfer your dependency onto your kids. I hope you'll do whatever you have to to make sure you take care of you.

 

What you say is not true (so that I may live a certain lifestyle) and I did not sell myself out. I sincerely enjoy being with him, his companionship, his love, etc. Everything else is really fine with the relationship except for his "list" of desires. Our regular sex life is otherwise wonderful. It's just that I don't care to do those activities daily, or almost daily. I don't want the pressure of feeling that I have to wake up and do certain things. I'd like to do them spontaneously. He very convincing when he says that it's not too much to ask for and I find myself wondering. 20-30 minutes per day doesn't seem like much and the things he wants done are not terrible. But, I'm realizing that what makes me unhappy is that it feels like it's an obligation. Actually, it's like a shopping list. Deep down inside, I don't want that; I would prefer spontaneity and not something that I have to do. That just takes the fun out of it. Also, it hurts when he says that, in the end, I always get my way. I, personally, am not ready to throw away the marriage over the sex issue but we obviously are not on the same page. I just sorry that these issues carry so much weight.

 

DancingFool: you are a bit harsh stating that he treats me like a prostitute. I think we all have certain sexual preferences. He meets mine and I don't meet his to the degree that he wants.

[goddess]

What you say is not true (so that I may live a certain lifestyle) and I did not sell myself out. I sincerely enjoy being with him, his companionship, his love, etc. Everything else is really fine with the relationship except for his "list" of desires. Our regular sex life is otherwise wonderful. It's just that I don't care to do those activities daily, or almost daily. I don't want the pressure of feeling that I have to wake up and do certain things. I'd like to do them spontaneously. He very convincing when he says that it's not too much to ask for and I find myself wondering. 20-30 minutes per day doesn't seem like much and the things he wants done are not terrible. But, I'm realizing that what makes me unhappy is that it feels like it's an obligation. Actually, it's like a shopping list. Deep down inside, I don't want that; I would prefer spontaneity and not something that I have to do. That just takes the fun out of it. Also, it hurts when he says that, in the end, I always get my way. I, personally, am not ready to throw away the marriage over the sex issue but we obviously are not on the same page. I just sorry that these issues carry so much weight.

 

DancingFool and Itsallgrand: you are a bit harsh stating that he treats me like a prostitute. I think we all have certain sexual preferences. He meets mine and I don't meet his to the degree that he wants.

 

All I wanted to do was compromise (which is part of a successful marriage) but I failed. That's the crux of the situation. If I were willing, or able, to do what he wants, I'd still have a marriage. We both have ussues, for sure. What else can I say? Life sucks at times.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he's been threatening divorce repeatedly if it's not 100% his way 100% of the time. Don't beat yourself up over this. He wanted out for a long time, regardless of what you could have, should have, would have done. The important thing to remember is when he files for divorce as "plaintiff" and names you as "defendant" you need a good attorney to sever the legalities. Right now begin to put things in your kids names such as beneficiaries on any accounts, insurance, etc. Protect them and yourself, not this conniving spoiled brat who will hopefully soon be your ex. If you don't get an attorney and protect yourself, he'll be living well entertaining his harem of much younger BDSM women while you're in a welfare apt eating catfood. Yes. That's how selfish he really is.

If I were willing, or able, to do what he wants, I'd still have a marriage.

[goddess]

It sounds like he's been threatening divorce repeatedly if it's not 100% his way 100% of the time. Don't beat yourself up over this. He wanted out for a long time, regardless of what you could have, should have, would have done. The important thing to remember is when he files for divorce as "plaintiff" and names you as "defendant" you need a good attorney to sever the legalities. Right now begin to put things in your kids names such as beneficiaries on any accounts, insurance, etc. Protect them and yourself, not this conniving spoiled brat who will hopefully soon be your ex. If you don't get an attorney and protect yourself, he'll be living well entertaining his harem of much younger BDSM women while you're in a welfare apt eating catfood. Yes. That's how selfish he really is.

 

Well, he threatened divorce 3-4 times already and he is an alpha male. But, he truly TRULY does his share of compromising so it's not 100% his way, 100% all the time. I guess he did want out for a long time if I really think about it but I'm in denial right now. I feel so tormented and sad. He told me a couple of years ago that he stayed with me until our kids were out of high school (we were having the same sex issues). They both have their own respective apartments but he pays for all their bills (one is on college, and the other will start graduate school in a few months). He works his butt off for their sake because he doesn't want them to be in the same financial predicament that he was in because his parents took care of their needs first. Our kids both worked, part time, so they are aware of finances and because of that, they're very grateful for their father's efforts and fully appreciate him. I just wish he would re-evaluate all the good that he has in this marriage against what he considers the bad. I also wish he'd be more accepting of me because no one is perfect. We all have our flaws and idiosyncrasies. Also, thank you for your sound advice. I appreciate it a lot.

 

Also, he's no longer into BDSM. He gave that up because, even though I tried it for a while, it was not for me. It's not about that.

[abitbroken]

OK, so this thread has gotten a bit out of hand. My original message stated that "he would like for me to do a little something just about every day... I start out by doing what he likes for several weeks or a month, then I stop. It no longer deals with BDSM. He gave that up a number of years ago because I just couldn't deal with it but I certainly tried it. As I just mentioned, he would like for me to do a little something every day, even twice a day. That said, I am talking about things like when we cuddle in the morning, he's the one who cuddles next to me and I just lay there and enjoy his closeness. He wakes up first, does his morning routine, and comes back to bed to wake me up and cuddle. Instead of just laying there, he would like for me to tell him to play with himself, or give him a hand job or to perform oral sex on me, etc. I don't even think about doing those things in the morning. He'd like the same when he comes home from work or at night; just 10-15 minutes. It just dawned on me that perhaps I am not very demonstrative. As I also mentioned, he wants me to take control of when he is allowed to come. All this is of paramount importance but he just gets annoyed saying that if I really loved him I would make it a point to make him happy. We talked a little today and he told me that he feels that what he wants is not too much to ask, considering all that he does for me, like cooking (because he loves it)even though he works and I don't, never complains when I spend money (although I feel that I am conscientious), he doesn't ever complain that the house is rather messy (we're actually very laid back).

 

So, is what he wants a bit too much, is it me, is it him, or is it both of us? Please be honest and fair to both of us with your opinions.

 

Wait a minute -- did you just completely backpedal and minimize this, or does all he REALLY want is 10 minutes of your time to cuddle and maybe just a little sexual touch twice a day -- not full on sex all the time? If all he wants is to be close and maybe for your or his hand to stray a bit - why is that a hill you are willing to die on? To me, that would not be asking for much. That could be lying on the couch watching tv cupping a breast or making it a point to go to bed slightly early so you have time to relax in bed for a little bit before anyone has to launch out the door. If that is really all he is asking - he may feel you don't value you him.

 

But i don't think that is all that it is since you came to post here. The fact that he says that you at least owe him that makes me think it IS much more than you are minimizing it to be. So which is it? Do you have a sex crazed husband that expects you to act like a porn star everyday and to dominate him or is he really not, but just asks for *something* everyday -- like when you were newlyweds? It can't be both?

[abitbroken]

He told me a couple of years ago that he stayed with me until our kids were out of high school (we were having the same sex issues).

 

Well...he is just making good on his promise, then. YOU REALLY NEED A LAWYER. read reviews. Call around when he is at work. Ask that they only call you during certain hours (while he is at work). Set up some appointments to meet in person.

[reinventmyself]

If you repeatably threaten to abandon someone (and don't act on it) in an effort to get your way, it's abusive.

 

I am confused as to what's going on anymore. . but I just had to add that.

 

If he threatens to leave if you don't service him, because after all he 'provides' for you - I can totally see why you are turned off by it.

 

I personally would want to please my man out of love and compromise, but not because of an implied threat that is constantly held over my head.

 

If you say that you'd both agree that your sex life is otherwise good, I'd ask him if his arm is broken. And if not, he can take care of himself in between.

 

Your mindset is that of a woman in a one-down position.

That comes from years of someone in your ear telling you so and feeling indebted.

 

Call his bluff. Seriously.

[DancingFool]

I suspect that her husband is a bona fide narcissist rather than alpha. The relationship has worked because OP is a people pleaser and has a subservient mentality. A good combination actually. On top of that she has spend all those years genuinely worshiping him and doting on him. It hasn't been all bad for her either as she enjoyed a certain lifestyle and privileges in exchange. Despite all that she has done right, he has been ready to trade her in for a newer model for a long time now and I really think that's all this boils down to. Sex is just a reason he has latched onto as a way to push her away because she hasn't really ever given him reason to leave her and has been stroking his ego well and keeps on trying.

 

If I were a betting person, I'd put good money on the fact that he'll break out in new women on his arm like fleas on a mangy dog as soon as divorce is finalized.

 

OP, you might believe in the sanctity of marriage, but your husband has other ideas, aka divorce. So what are you going to do? Spend your golden years in some dank apartment eating cat food or get yourself a good lawyer to make sure you get your fair share and can live comfortably into old age? Denial only stretches so far......at some point you have to strap on a spine and deal with what is.

[goddess]

If you repeatably threaten to abandon someone (and don't act on it) in an effort to get your way, it's abusive.

 

I am confused as to what's going on anymore. . but I just had to add that.

 

If he threatens to leave if you don't service him, because after all he 'provides' for you - I can totally see why you are turned off by it.

 

I personally would want to please my man out of love and compromise, but not because of an implied threat that is constantly held over my head.

 

If you say that you'd both agree that your sex life is otherwise good, I'd ask him if his arm is broken. And if not, he can take care of himself in between.

 

Your mindset is that of a woman in a one-down position.

That comes from years of someone in your ear telling you so and feeling indebted.

 

Call his bluff. Seriously.

 

So, this is what's it's about: he would like for me to do a little something just about every day... I start out by doing what he likes for several weeks or a month, then I stop. It no longer deals with BDSM. He gave that up a number of years ago because I just couldn't deal with it but I certainly tried it. As I just mentioned, he would like for me to do a little something every day, even twice a day. That said, I am talking about things like when we cuddle in the morning, he's the one who cuddles next to me and I just lay there and enjoy his closeness. He wakes up first, does his morning routine, and comes back to bed to wake me up and cuddle. Instead of just laying there, he would like for me to tell him to play with himself, or give him a hand job or to perform oral sex on me, etc. I don't even think about doing those things in the morning. He'd like the same when he comes home from work or at night; just 10-15 minutes.

 

In summary, he wants me to take control of when he is allowed to come. All this is of paramount importance but he just gets annoyed saying that if I really loved him, I would make it a point to make him happy. We talked a little yesterday and he told me that he feels that what he wants is not too much to ask, considering all that he does for me, like cooking (because he loves it) even though he works and I don't, never complains when I spend money (although I feel that I am conscientious), he doesn't ever complain that the house is rather messy (we're actually very laid back).

 

I also would like to please my man out of love and compromise and I agree with what you said: "but not because of an implied threat that is constantly held over my head." I am so tired of all this.

[goddess]

I suspect that her husband is a bona fide narcissist rather than alpha. The relationship has worked because OP is a people pleaser and has a subservient mentality. A good combination actually. On top of that she has spend all those years genuinely worshiping him and doting on him. It hasn't been all bad for her either as she enjoyed a certain lifestyle and privileges in exchange. Despite all that she has done right, he has been ready to trade her in for a newer model for a long time now and I really think that's all this boils down to. Sex is just a reason he has latched onto as a way to push her away because she hasn't really ever given him reason to leave her and has been stroking his ego well and keeps on trying.

 

If I were a betting person, I'd put good money on the fact that he'll break out in new women on his arm like fleas on a mangy dog as soon as divorce is finalized.

 

OP, you might believe in the sanctity of marriage, but your husband has other ideas, aka divorce. So what are you going to do? Spend your golden years in some dank apartment eating cat food or get yourself a good lawyer to make sure you get your fair share and can live comfortably into old age? Denial only stretches so far......at some point you have to strap on a spine and deal with what is.

 

You're right. It's just a shame. May I also say, however, that I'm not sure I have a "subservient mentality", rather I am very laid back and I don't sweat the small stuff. Yes, I am getting a lawyer and I am doing my best to deal with my sad situation.