He wants a divorce

[goddess]

Not my thing either. Now get the picture?? But, I did make a sincere on-and-off effort to please him. You know the vows "...for better or for worse.." Well, this was the worse and I tried to deal with him because I sincerely love him and wanted to compromise and make him happy.

[goddess]

This made me jump out my chair.

I hope you do realize that a faithful loving man is neither rare, nor one of kind.

Please don't give him credit for having minimal decency where this is concerned and do not over look his treatment towards you because you consider him unique in this sense.

 

I live in a small town and I can tell you that there is a fairly high number of men that I personally know who have cheated on their wives. Perhaps you're right, though.

[goddess]

OP - the very reason he had the capacity to pursue his career and income the way he has is because YOU took care of everything else and essentially gave him the ability to do what he wants work wise. You were there to take care of the home, raise the kids, be there when they are sick, take them where they need to go, make sure homework is done, etc, etc, etc. So many people have this deluded idea that being a housewife is easy - it isn't. It's a thankless job without benefits or days off.

 

You have contributed to this marriage and this man's career in countless ways for 29 years. Please please please get an aggressive lawyer who will ensure that you get your fair share from this.

 

I will keep saying this over and over - please get counseling for yourself. You are grateful to him for such basic things that are just common - working, supporting his family, being loyal (that you know of) - this is literally nothing to be grateful about, these are just everyday basics that billions of men do on this planet every single day. You have him on this pedestal, but he has done nothing to deserve it and a lot NOT to deserve it.

 

I totally agree with your assessment but it's worked both ways. I did do all those things but give him some credit too. He gave me a wonderful life, never complained about spending money, gave me beautiful gifts, had a magnificent house built for us and our kids, took us on many vacations etc. Need I go on? Yes, I am fortunate and grateful. We've had such fun times. I don't take this lightly, nor do I take it for granted. I know a lot of people who don't have what I have and I am able to appreciate it.

 

That's why this whole thing is sad. We get along so well, except in that one area. Oh well. That said, I really appreciate your feedback.

[Seraphim]

Not my thing either. Now get the picture?? But, I did make a sincere on-and-off effort to please him. You know the vows "...for better or for worse.." Well, this was the worse and I tried to deal with him because I sincerely love him and wanted to compromise and make him happy.

Absolutely, get vows. Been with my husband as long as you have been with yours. But we spent almost 6 years getting to know each other before marriage.

[reinventmyself]

I feel for you OP. I think you went into this with the best of intentions. No judgment on my part.

 

I was a stay at home and while going through a divorce I felt a somewhat like you did.

I felt I was guest in my own home and I was so grateful (or indebted) that he provided for me.

Granted, he was always there to remind me of it.

 

I had a shark for an attorney who schooled me into finding my backbone. I was a 40 yr homemaker with no marketable skills who supported her husband while he studied and promoted himself. He also had his own side business. He recently retired after 30 years of service with a fat pension and to this day I am still trying to catch up.

 

I was very vulnerable and not sure how I would get by. But the courts see to it that women are taken care of and not in the system collecting welfare. I began to see things differently (for the first time) My ex had a hot meal, clean sheets and healthy happy children to come home too. I gave up a lot to make this happen because it doesn't happen by accident. I did my part in scheme of things and should be compensated accordingly.

 

I read through all your responses and there seems to be a lot of score keeping going on. I suppose that's to be expected to some degree. But no one in the world expects you to compromise your values, your body and your emotional safety to please your man. That is not in any marriage vows that I know of.

 

I feel for you . . I hope you find some peace in all of this.

[goddess]

I feel for you OP. I think you went into this with the best of intentions. No judgment on my part.

 

I was a stay at home and while going through a divorce I felt a somewhat like you did.

I felt I was guest in my own home and I was so grateful (or indebted) that he provided for me.

Granted, he was always there to remind me of it.

 

I had a shark for an attorney who schooled me into finding my backbone. I was a 40 yr homemaker with no marketable skills who supported her husband while he studied and promoted himself. He also had his own side business. He recently retired after 30 years of service with a fat pension and to this day I am still trying to catch up.

 

I was very vulnerable and not sure how I would get by. But the courts see to it that women are taken care of and not in the system collecting welfare. I began to see things differently (for the first time) My ex had a hot meal, clean sheets and healthy happy children to come home too. I gave up a lot to make this happen because it doesn't happen by accident. I did my part in scheme of things and should be compensated accordingly.

 

I read through all your responses and there seems to be a lot of score keeping going on. I suppose that's to be expected to some degree. But no one in the world expects you to compromise your values, your body and your emotional safety to please your man. That is not in any marriage vows that I know of.

 

I feel for you . . I hope you find some peace in all of this.

 

Thank you for your kind words; so appreciated. I wish you all the best.

[itsallgrand]

OP - the very reason he had the capacity to pursue his career and income the way he has is because YOU took care of everything else and essentially gave him the ability to do what he wants work wise. You were there to take care of the home, raise the kids, be there when they are sick, take them where they need to go, make sure homework is done, etc, etc, etc. So many people have this deluded idea that being a housewife is easy - it isn't. It's a thankless job without benefits or days off.

 

You have contributed to this marriage and this man's career in countless ways for 29 years. Please please please get an aggressive lawyer who will ensure that you get your fair share from this.

 

I will keep saying this over and over - please get counseling for yourself. You are grateful to him for such basic things that are just common - working, supporting his family, being loyal (that you know of) - this is literally nothing to be grateful about, these are just everyday basics that billions of men do on this planet every single day. You have him on this pedestal, but he has done nothing to deserve it and a lot NOT to deserve it.

 

You are just describing what people who marry and have kids are responsible for anyways? Anyone who is an adult is responsible for their home, laundry, feeding themselves. Anyone who has kids is responsible for taking care of them.

I guess I'll never understand this belief some people have that getting married and having kids means you aren't financially responsible for yourself anymore. And if you take care of your kids, you don't have to financially put in your share of raising them.

That's just me and I know I'm in a minority. I really don't see why anyone should be financially compensated for taking care of their own kids.

 

But like reinvent mentioned, it's cheaper for the state to have men pay alimony for women who don't work than it is for the state to pay for them.

[Hollyj]

Honestly, this divorce sounds like a blessing in disguise for you and probably you would have been better off had it happened sooner. Your husband is callous, abusive and has issues and I'm afraid that after 29 years of it, you've kind of gotten used to it and it has become your "normal" except that there is nothing normal about his attitude and behavior. Also...he is in for a very rude awakening. He will find out pretty fast that most women out there aren't interested in his brand of bs and will not put up with him or tolerate him, let alone indulge him the way you have. My dear lady, Karma is going kick him hard. Be glad that you will away from him and you'll find life is actually better without him....a lot better.

 

Agree with every word.

 

I think it is incredible that he has such expectations, yet rarely reciprocates. Selfish! You have allowed too much bad behavior. Instill more boundaries in your next relationship. This dude has beaten you down!

 

It is a blessing!

[Hollyj]

Don't be foolish. You desperately need an attorney. It's not 1950 anymore. Huh?:

 

You said it!

[Hollyj]

Yes, I did cook for the kids when my husband got home late. But, since he truly enjoys cooking, I let him do it. I don't enjoy cooking and he does, so why not? And, no, I don't vacuum/dust often; I have better things to do. Once the younger one graduated high school, I was able to relax and pursue my hobby. After all, I'm 66, so I've done my share of the work, so to speak.

 

If your husband is still working long hours, I really think that you should still keep house, so to speak. Its great to focus on a hobby now that the kids are independent and you can do so --- but really, if my retired that was telling my working mother that "he had better things to do" than vacuum, pick up the house a bit so she is not coming home to a mess, and cut the lawn - how would that go over? Even if he enjoys cooking - let him whip up gourmet meals on the weekend or when he is excited to try a new recipe, but why aren't you having simple meals prepared or able to heat up during the week? Ready unless the cooking mood strikes him? If you are off doing your hobby and have decided you are retired form housework and he comes home, cooks and cleans because you are "retired" and have "done enough work" -- don't you think he has done enough work during the day?

 

You are 66, not 90. I wish you would stop bringing up your age, as you are not old. You should be keeping up the house.

[HealingLight]

Listen to Dancing Fool, that person consistently has excellent advice.

 

You gave up your shot at having a viable career in order to support this man to pursue his dreams/work and bear him children. At the end of the day, you will never have that time or opportunity back to establish the same kind of life for yourself that he will now enjoy. Even if you enter the workforce (which imo will be difficult at 66), you will never have the same playing field to garner a pension or retirement for yourself. This is why courts mandate that partners pay the other who is dependent upon them. This man would not have been able to get where he has in his career with a family with nearly the same degree of ease nor at all if he hadn't had someone else looking after the other logistics in his life. While I'm sure there are many who feel the grass is greener to not have to check in with an employer every day, you sacrificed your ambitions in favor of his own and many things that I'm sure that entailed would have cost a pretty penny otherwise (like childcare).

 

So, now you must get thee to a lawyer. I would get at least a house out of this and some type of alimony because otherwise you're pretty much screwed financially for the rest of your life. What happens when your health fails? Are you expected to never retire if you somehow do manage to find work? Don't cheat yourself out of what you have given up to be a partner to this man.

 

As for the sexual issues, good luck to him trying to find a woman who will blow him every day without complaint and dominate him the rest of his life. I think those rose-colored glasses will fall off pretty quickly after you're gone.

[Chelsea54]

So much has already been said and on repeat. But your responses don’t seem strong.

 

You already know that he’s not going to find what he says he wants after divorce. And he is going to hate his life even more.

 

You’ve said that you don’t clean or cook—-but in later comments you “admit” that you do chores, cook and clean. Its time to stop listening to the criticisms and realize that you’ve put a full effort into this marriage. Yet he wants out again. Let him go.

 

You describe the 20+ years of raising children and keeping a household as if it’s a side note. You need to give yourself more credit. (To someone who said 66 is not 90–well hate to tell you but many people are retired by 66. The job market isn’t kind to those appearing to be over 50 or with no job skills. ). Please give yourself more credit for the work that you did do. Although I do think of that work as “life” just the same as him going to work every day earning money as “life”. They are equal.

 

You’re not sticking up for yourself in terms of the efforts you’re putting into satisfying him sexually. Rest assured that you have done more than enough.

 

You’re denying yourself by doing sexual things that you don’t want to do. In this—you are hurting yourself. His love for you should include keeping YOU COMFORTABLE sexually, mentally, spiritually. But his “love” doesn’t include that.

Doing sexual things that you don’t want to do will warp your mind and spirit. What if his desires included injuring you, or orges, or illegal things or just any-thing that you 100% refuse. What then? Where were you going to draw the line and take care of yourself? Be happy that he has drawn the line a-gain. Accept the divorce. It will be painful for both of you but don’t let him back. In time you will find a gentleman with your style of desires. And now you know to learn everything before remarrying.

 

It sounds like he has solid finances. Because he does not love you properly, he will let you leave him without your fair share for 29 years of marriage and raising children. If he loved you but understood that he is putting unreasonable demands on you, he would’ve already offered you a generous severance package.

So watch out —and take care of yourself or he’s going to pay you the bare minimum. Then he will be free to look through the peapod garden.

Lawyer up lady! Lol. No one here is saying this to you softly. Get a great attorney. I agree with whomever said to get a female shark type that will not allow him OR YOU to backslide into thinking you deserve less than is correct as per your state. When you call it quits your marriage dissolves like a business and you are supposed to get what is legally yours.

 

**Tip**Do not start a job or a hobby that could be developed into a business until after your divorce is final.

 

I am speaking to you from the other side of divorce. I opted to fight as hard as I could and with what I could afford legally, but in the end gave in to much less money than I should have because I could no longer deal with the stress of it all and the exH ideas that I had not done enough. -One-of the problems we had was a very watered down version of what you’ve described, so I have some understanding of your hesitation to fight for yourself and that you feel you’ve got no one to divulge all of this to and to get support from.

 

Agreed with other ENA people. You need a therapist. Desperately. After you start, then you will realize why. You have no idea at this time what life with him is doing to your mind. Sexual things you’re opposed to. Keeping giant secrets to protect him. Being isolated from friends, family, employment. Accepting the belittling that says you’re lazy, incompetent, nondeserving, lucky to have this BS, forgetful, too low of a libido, older than him, no longer serving a purpose as kids are grown.

You have stood by his side and been his faithful wife for 29 years and catered to what he wanted and needed. Marriage is not only about the sex and he is and has several times been ready to drop you because sex isn’t exactly what he wants. Be done with him.

 

To stress a point— I thought I was being “fair” and didn’t persue every dollar that I should have. I gave up fighting. I lost my career momentum at home with kids too. Now, even working full time and what he pays, I cannot support myself and children.

 

Get a great attorney. Get a great therapist.

You need to take care of yourself now. Good luck.

[goddess]

Listen to Dancing Fool, that person consistently has excellent advice.

 

You gave up your shot at having a viable career in order to support this man to pursue his dreams/work and bear him children. At the end of the day, you will never have that time or opportunity back to establish the same kind of life for yourself that he will now enjoy. Even if you enter the workforce (which imo will be difficult at 66), you will never have the same playing field to garner a pension or retirement for yourself. This is why courts mandate that partners pay the other who is dependent upon them. This man would not have been able to get where he has in his career with a family with nearly the same degree of ease nor at all if he hadn't had someone else looking after the other logistics in his life. While I'm sure there are many who feel the grass is greener to not have to check in with an employer every day, you sacrificed your ambitions in favor of his own and many things that I'm sure that entailed would have cost a pretty penny otherwise (like childcare).

 

So, now you must get thee to a lawyer. I would get at least a house out of this and some type of alimony because otherwise you're pretty much screwed financially for the rest of your life. What happens when your health fails? Are you expected to never retire if you somehow do manage to find work? Don't cheat yourself out of what you have given up to be a partner to this man.

 

As for the sexual issues, good luck to him trying to find a woman who will blow him every day without complaint and dominate him the rest of his life. I think those rose-colored glasses will fall off pretty quickly after you're gone.

 

Actually, I did have quite an impressive and rewarding career on Wall Street before I met my hubby. I've worked since I was 18, attended college at night, got my various degrees so when I met him I was ready, willing and able to settle down (I was 37, after all). I had the option to return to work after having my kids and I did for a while with our first child. A few years later when I had my second child, I opted to not return to the work force and, in my opinion, I was thrilled to be a SAHM and also fortunate that I had that option without worrying about financial issues. What can I say? I am deeply grateful that I was able to find my soulmate because we truly have had so many of the same views and shared so many good times . We've always gotten along wonderfully, except in the "weird" sex arena. Too bad. Regular (or what I consider normal) sex was fine until his blow-up about a week ago. But, I realize now that he wasn't truly satisfied. I His problem because at least I sincerely tried and I can hold my head up high because, in my heart, I made the effort. Truly, it saddens me that he is unable to rise above all that cr** and focus more on what he does have. I must say that I love your last paragraph. I totally agree with you, or perhaps I am being too pompous. Thank you!

[abitbroken]

Actually, I did have quite an impressive and rewarding career on Wall Street before I met my hubby. I've worked since I was 18, attended college at night, got my various degrees so when I met him I was ready, willing and able to settle down (I was 37, after all). I had the option to return to work after having my kids and I did for a while with our first child. A few years later when I had my second child, I opted to not return to the work force and, in my opinion, I was thrilled to be a SAHM and also fortunate that I had that option without worrying about financial issues. What can I say? I am deeply grateful that I was able to find my soulmate because we truly have had so many of the same views and shared so many good times . We've always gotten along wonderfully, except in the "weird" sex arena. Too bad. Regular (or what I consider normal) sex was fine until his blow-up about a week ago. But, I realize now that he wasn't truly satisfied. I His problem because at least I sincerely tried and I can hold my head up high because, in my heart, I made the effort. Truly, it saddens me that he is unable to rise above all that cr** and focus more on what he does have. I must say that I love your last paragraph. I totally agree with you, or perhaps I am being too pompous. Thank you!

 

your background may get you a job but since your connections you had before (unlike if you returned to work years ago) are certainly dead leads -- any person who was a mentor in your field to you has long been retired. I am glad that you are seeing that you sincerely did what you felt you needed to do to raise your family and that you are seeing that as a value.

 

Maybe he will cool off and change his mind about a divorce, but keep thinking about talking to an attorney so that you are not blindsided when he serves you divorce papers if he follows through.

[goddess]

your background may get you a job but since your connections you had before (unlike if you returned to work years ago) are certainly dead leads -- any person who was a mentor in your field to you has long been retired. I am glad that you are seeing that you sincerely did what you felt you needed to do to raise your family and that you are seeing that as a value.

 

Maybe he will cool off and change his mind about a divorce, but keep thinking about talking to an attorney so that you are not blindsided when he serves you divorce papers if he follows through.

 

I would rather not work at this point in my life, unless it's a necessity. Who knows if I can even get a job at my age? My time with our kids was, and still is, so precious and has brought/brings me immeasurable joy and happiness. I would not change that for all the money in the world. Not sure is you are aware, but we go through his "disappointment" (about every 3-5 years) regarding my inability to follow through and pleasure him in, what I feel, are not-too-pleasant sexual ways. That said, he gets very upset because he feels that it's not too much to ask. Mind you, that I've caved numerous times to partake in these activities but I stop after several weeks or so. Then, it's as if I forget about that stuff (perhaps life gets in the way, or I don't feel well, etc) although we have normal sex pretty regularly. Whenever he brings up his disappointment, we talk about it and have sought counseling (which helped) but he always end it with saying he wants a divorce. At this point, I just feel beaten down. I have no energy to make empty promises, and I believe that divorce, sad as it may be, would be a relief. Who knows? But, why would I stay with a person who in unable to appreciate my other qualities, and who keeps threatening divorce? Perhaps we would be happier than we are now.

[Wiseman2]

Is he still pursuing this? Have you contacted an attorney to assess your situation? It will be a relief and it can be civil and not acrimonious if you see an attorney and see what the legal issues are from your end in dissolving a marriage. That would answer all your questions much more than defending being a stay at home mother, your former career, etc. It would also behoove you to see a financial planner regarding your upcoming retirement, savings, retirement accounts, pensions, social security, etc.

I feel, are not-too-pleasant sexual ways. he always end it with saying he wants a divorce. I believe that divorce, sad as it may be, would be a relief.

[goddess]

Is he still pursuing this? Have you contacted an attorney to assess your situation? It will be a relief and it can be civil and not acrimonious if you see an attorney and see what the legal issues are from your end in dissolving a marriage. That would answer all your questions much more than defending being a stay at home mother, your former career, etc. It would also behoove you to see a financial planner regarding your upcoming retirement, savings, retirement accounts, pensions, social security, etc.

 

With all due respect, he honestly is a very upstanding person which is why it's almost ridiculous thinking of divorcing after all that we have. I am in my right mind when I say that our marriage was nearly perfect, except in the "strange" sex arena. I imagine no marriage is completely perfect and people work through their issues. That aside, I have no complains. I actually feel that if everyone had a marriage like this, we'd all be happy. But, apparently, his needs (which are unfulfilled by me) are of paramount importance and reason enough for him to want a divorce. That said, I am totally happy in every other way. We agreed that we will see only one lawyer because I can guarantee you that he will do the right thing by me. I have no doubt about that. It will be civil, I guarantee you. We're both very honest people with sound morals. Also, you you realize that I'm 66? I'm technically retired and am receiving a small pension. He's taken care of all the financial matters in our marriage and he always explains them to me and keeps me up-to-date, so I'm not in the dark.

[Seraphim]

66 is not a vast age. I see many many people working beyond the age of 66 . My stepdad is 80 this year and he still works full-time . I see many many elderly people working . I don’t really consider 66 elderly .

[Seraphim]

And quite honestly working keeps my stepdad very young . He probably looks 65 instead of 80 and no one would ever believe ever ever ever in this universe that he’s almost 80 years old .

[abitbroken]

With all due respect, he honestly is a very upstanding person which is why it's almost ridiculous thinking of divorcing after all that we have. I am in my right mind when I say that our marriage was nearly perfect, except in the "strange" sex arena. I imagine no marriage is completely perfect and people work through their issues. That aside, I have no complains. I actually feel that if everyone had a marriage like this, we'd all be happy. But, apparently, his needs (which are unfulfilled by me) are of paramount importance and reason enough for him to want a divorce. That said, I am totally happy in every other way. We agreed that we will see only one lawyer because I can guarantee you that he will do the right thing by me. I have no doubt about that. It will be civil, I guarantee you. We're both very honest people with sound morals. Also, you you realize that I'm 66? I'm technically retired and am receiving a small pension. He's taken care of all the financial matters in our marriage and he always explains them to me and keeps me up-to-date, so I'm not in the dark.

 

You are making a terrible mistake using the same lawyer as he is. you need your own lawyer. If he is willing to throw away that many years of love and family over kink, he is not "doing right by you." Yes, you receive a small pension, but you will not be able to afford your house or your lifestyle. You will lose any widow's benefits if he dies before you as well. And when you are 85 or 90 that will be a big deal. Your social security won't be much because you have not worked in years.

[Hollyj]

Why in the world would you see the same lawyer? Terrible decision!

 

You need to get your head out of the clouds.

[goddess]

66 is not a vast age. I see many many people working beyond the age of 66 . My stepdad is 80 this year and he still works full-time . I see many many elderly people working . I don’t really consider 66 elderly .

 

Well, neither do I, but I never really thought about working again until about 3 years ago. And, I didn't really think that I'd ever get divorced. Perhaps these people that you are referring to have been in the work force. It's scary to enter it after not working for 25 years. Yikes.

[goddess]

Why in the world would you see the same lawyer? Terrible decision!

 

You need to get your head out of the clouds.

 

I not out to screw him and neither is he. Trust me on this. It will be civil. We're both upstanding people with very sound morals. We've both always done the right thing and this will be no different.

[Seraphim]

Well, neither do I, but I never really thought about working again until about 3 years ago. And, I didn't really think that I'd ever get divorced. Perhaps these people that you are referring to have been in the work force. It's scary to enter it after not working for 25 years. Yikes.

 

Absolutely it is scary. And yes, my step dad has been working since day he graduated Highschool. But he really enjoys working. Now days he gets a little tired but he has a full time job, 5 adult children, 13 grandchildren and one great grandchild. And his first wife passed away 30 years ago. He married my mom 24 years ago.

[goddess]

He sounds like a remarkable human being. Bless him!