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  1. Hi. I think you really need some time for yourself and to just be single. It seems like he was an easy go to for emotional soothing, or so you hoped. But, being with him 7 months ago only hurt you more. I could list all the red flags, but this isn’t to hurt you. Let him do what he is going to do. Walk away from him. I think you should be totally single for 3-6 months (or more) post divorce to recover some emotionally. And, a bit of advice, if any man tells you that he wants to be single, believe him.
  2. Yes It’s painful to look at that & magnify that I, and this situation basically never changed.
  3. boltnrun. My kids are concerned & trying to discuss with me my happiness as a priority vs whatever I think about him. Sounds like something someone here said. I’d like to remove the situation that is making them concerned about me.
  4. Wiseman. I made calls to get a therapist last week.
  5. Bluecastle. Yes. Nearly—means my text breakup was not iron clad, but it was pretty solid. If he can magically become what he promised then I’m paying attention, but I’m pretty sure he will/cannot. It feels sad. It’s a loss of what we said it could/would be. It’s a loss of the love I want to give him and for me to hear him tell me he loves me. It’s not a small easy thing & it hurts a lot. & I’m thinking about how he’s going to be hurt when he reads the text. I’m trying to get off of the rollercoaster with him. The thing with roller coasters is you have to step completely out at the right moment.
  6. bluecasle— “there are real risks to trying to find a "safe" means of feeling big feelings: connection, longing, and so forth. “ I connect with that idea. —Also you mentioned loving who I think he is or who I want him to be. I do love that idea of a man. & I imagined that’s who I had. I asked him about himself & he claimed to be all of what I wanted, but ended up not showing much of it to me.
  7. Rose Moses. I really appreciate what you wrote here. & What everyone wrote. I talked with a couple IRL friends this weekend and they know more details and I’m getting the similar advice. Some things transpired this weekend and just a moment ago & I sent a text that is nearly a breakup a few minutes ago. I never wanted it to go this way... But this stress is bringing health problems, my kids are concerned about me. Basically he would need to turn into a new & different person today to make it back to me & I’m not waiting.
  8. RayRay. He most certainly did not put in the effort. Every little breadcrumb he threw felt like a banquet.
  9. Billie28. I don’t know why I was living in a fantasy of the potential which I obviously manufactured out of tiny bits of real nice stuff and justifying it ignoring the reality of huge globs of bad stuff. It seems I’m easily addicted to the euphoria of believing how awesome things could be. It definitely is an escape.
  10. Hi wiseman, I have written about this relationship before. But regarding the post that I wanted deleted was a totally different person. The 2 year guy—About 3 months after our first IRL date I decided to override all of his (encouraging) answers to my questions and re-start dating online. I went on 4-5 adres with different men with whom i had no real attraction. Then 2Y and I got together again and afterwards I told him about the dates and that I did it because I mistrusted his sincerity. He was shocked and thought we had been exclusive. I was, physically, but had gone on these dates. So we had the discussion & were exclusive thereafter. So I thought. I don’t know that cat-fishing is the correct term here. But he surely verbally misrepresented his intentions to me.
  11. Cherylyn, I am seeing the good in not meeting all the normal milestones a 2 yr “relationship” typically would. I’m especially glad my kids or parents never met him. Yes, I have been played & it seems I’ve been a foolish willing participant actively calming down my own inner “warning” red flags nearly daily and making the good moments much bigger & better than they were. I feel additionally cheated by not having the satisfaction of a breakup conversation. But I’m facing that I might need to do a simple it’s over text. He’s not picking up my calls or calling me back. I have a hard time with block & delete right now.
  12. Poorlittlefish. I guess I can’t know when he posted it & it it seems at this point I want to know if he has been with other women. Maybe I should just assume he has and that every single thing he told me was potentially a lie & it’s time for a trip to the Dr to test for everything. And, now I can’t fully trust any of his answers anyway.
  13. I’m ready for the tough talk from anyone who will give it. I have been exclusive with a man for almost 2 years now. We met online. One problem is we’ve hardly ever seen each other IRL. 5-6 times. We live about an hour apart. So we’re on the phone, texting, or video. He had successfully gotten me to believe for a long while that his work, kids, & tiredness were reasons he couldn’t get together but always insisted that he wanted to. Told me he loved me, always had, always would. We were supposed to get together tonight, but last night he was kind of rude and came up with reasons to back out. Flaked again. I had the worst gut feeling. I’ve been praying a prayer for either repair of relationship or revelation of what is going on. Tonight, I got the idea to create a fake ID on the dating site we used to meet each other —and yep, he was on there and his profile included a picture from about 2 months ago. :(. I looked again to do screenshots and noticed it looked like he was online right at that moment. And I saw that he looked at my fake profile (celebrity picture). Im not proud of it but I acted mental and called him 10 times. Would not pick up and didn’t call back. Texted him to call back. Eventually texted him that I saw his profile etc. & I can’t tell if he read that last text yet. I basically need to be tough through this disillusionment. It appears he is not who I put him on a pedestal as. I’ve been intermittently crying my eyes out for the past 2 years over the rollercoaster of pining for him, believing that he’s pining for me, and the mental mismatch of being told he misses me and the lack of proof of him showing up. In the past 2 years I’ve had a few life events he wasn’t present for—meaning his presence as a true boyfriend is minimal to non-existent. I’d say this is a life lesson about assuming who someone is and who they are in my life too soon. I asked for physical exclusivity early on. He’s the one who announced/asked we’re bf/gf status. I want to have that final talk/talks. It’s going to take some time to process and be ok again. I want to know how long he’s been on the dating site. I’ve been formulating ways to decide what I want out of ANOTHER discussion about how this isn’t working & things need to change & we see each other. So I wonder if he had a gut feeling that I was potentially going to break up /take a break and just posted the dating profile tonight. I’m sorry this is rambling, but I don’t have my thoughts straight. I’ve felt some love for him from the day we met and I still stronglt love who I thought he has been. & yes. This is someone I’ve written about in the past here. I can’t even recall what I wrote before & don’t think it matters right now. I thought I could grow a backboneand move along then, but i didn’t.
  14. Thank you Carus. My parents also were emotionally distant and I grew up not really sure if they loved me but I do remember my mother being very shy and embarrassed to tell me she loved me once when I was a kid. Turns out I was unexpected, and they lived me, but whatever their problem was with showing it, I make sure is not repeated with my own children. Their father and I come from that same point of view to show as much love to them as possible cause we both felt abandoned growing up. But giving all your love to the kids doesn’t make for a good marriage. So he is an ex, and was able to put a few labels in him, one was textbook narcissist. My mother is one as well. So, I do chase love, approval, feel like I need to work for it, might never deserve it, and don’t trust love that is freely offered to me. That is how it has been, and I’m trying to break out of that. I have broken up with people before, but it was only after they’d done me so wrong I couldn’t see a path back to making myself believe they were right for me. I fully resist breaking relationships. When I think of how being in a bad relationship models expectations to my children, it gives me motivation to make changes to support myself.
  15. Cherylyn—Thank you for what you wrote.
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