He wants a divorce

[reinventmyself]

You really need to get this idea that he just doesn't know out of your head. Yes, he does know very well. Making himself out to be a "victim", making you feel guilty and bad about things - this is textbook 101 intentional manipulation.

.

 

Maybe, but there are personality types who have a sense of entitlement, no conscience and no empathy. He may really see himself as victimized. Disturbing, yes.

 

It's not that they are resistant to it and know that they are being calculating. They actually believe their reality is right and nothing else matters.

 

Actually, if he was manipulative (in weird way) that would be the best scenario of a bad situation. If he indeed knows what he's doing, it suggests he has the capacity to learn not to or may at some point have the desire to do differently. But he doesn't.

 

From what you describe, this guy has very little or no conscience where this is concerned.

[goddess]

You really need to get this idea that he just doesn't know out of your head. Yes, he does know very well. Making himself out to be a "victim", making you feel guilty and bad about things - this is textbook 101 intentional manipulation. Also, you previously went to therapy and he went right back to being himself - selfish and self centered and manipulative.

 

Also, please pay attention. You are still trying to be civil but he won't even speak to you. Please beware. This is not a man who is being kind to you. I'm afraid that you might be in for a very bad shock as he will turn on you and you'll find out the hard way that whatever you thought you knew of him isn't there anymore.

 

It makes me wonder sometimes. I suppose he knows at some level. I do notice that he exaggerates from time to time which I find rather unsettling. His mother does the same thing. Actually, she exaggerates and distorts things when relaying an incident. I witnessed that more than once with her and I thought I was hallucinating. I sincerely hope he doesn't turn on me. I wan to end this marriage amicably.

[goddess]

Maybe, but there are personality types who have a sense of entitlement, no conscience and no empathy. He may really see himself as victimized. Disturbing, yes.

 

It's not that they are resistant to it and know that they are being calculating. They actually believe their reality is right and nothing else matters.

 

Actually, if he was manipulative (in weird way) that would be the best scenario of a bad situation. If he indeed knows what he's doing, it suggests he has the capacity to learn not to or may at some point have the desire to do differently. But he doesn't.

 

From what you describe, this guy has very little or no conscience where this is concerned.

 

I'm starting to think this too. He's forever telling me that I don't listen to him (which is partly true; I do have trouble listening as told to me by more than one person) and I always get my way. What??? Not true. I feel like I frequently have to give in. If I disagree with his suggestions, he gets irritated at times. It's just easier to do it his way. The trouble is that I am so agreeable and easy-going.

[goddess]

It makes me wonder sometimes. I suppose he knows at some level. I do notice that he exaggerates from time to time which I find rather unsettling. His mother does the same thing. Actually, she exaggerates and distorts things when relaying an incident. I witnessed that more than once with her and I thought I was hallucinating. I sincerely hope he doesn't turn on me. I wan to end this marriage amicably.

 

It's true that he doesn't talk to me now. He doesn't say "Good morning" or "Good night" but I say "Good morning to him first and he does say "Morning". If I ask him s question, he does answer. I'm not sure what's come over me, but all of a sudden, I feel terrible that I've said such bad things about him, even if they're true. I still am of the opinion, aside his weird sexual wishes/desires, he does have his very good qualities. I am so close to crying. My heart aches.

[abitbroken]

have you made an appointment with an attorney (or two) yet?

[goddess]

have you made an appointment with an attorney (or two) yet?

 

I'm in the process of finding one.

[DancingFool]

It's true that he doesn't talk to me now. He doesn't say "Good morning" or "Good night" but I say "Good morning to him first and he does say "Morning". If I ask him s question, he does answer. I'm not sure what's come over me, but all of a sudden, I feel terrible that I've said such bad things about him, even if they're true. I still am of the opinion, aside his weird sexual wishes/desires, he does have his very good qualities. I am so close to crying. My heart aches.

 

You really haven't said bad things about him at all. In fact, you've been heavily defending him. You are neck deep in, so it's pretty much impossible for you to see what strangers see about your marital dynamic. Regarding his behavior and his mother - personality disorders can run in the family and it's rare they can be fixed. Certainly not at his age and they do get progressively worse and more pronounced with age. Rare that they can be fixed because the person with the disorder typically doesn't believe they are disordered. In their mind, what they do, how they are is just fine. In many cases, it actually helps them be successful in business, socially, etc. The only thing that triggers change is IF they ever find themselves face down in the gutter, but that may never happen.

 

Ultimately, what you are feeling is an emotional roller coaster - one day you are good with what's going on and believe you'll be better off, next day you are devastated and depressed and lost. I hope you are also looking for a therapist to help you go through this. It really will help you a lot. You can't avoid the roller coaster entirely, but you can make it easier to get past for yourself. Hugs.

[goddess]

You really haven't said bad things about him at all. In fact, you've been heavily defending him. You are neck deep in, so it's pretty much impossible for you to see what strangers see about your marital dynamic. Regarding his behavior and his mother - personality disorders can run in the family and it's rare they can be fixed. Certainly not at his age and they do get progressively worse and more pronounced with age. Rare that they can be fixed because the person with the disorder typically doesn't believe they are disordered. In their mind, what they do, how they are is just fine. In many cases, it actually helps them be successful in business, socially, etc. The only thing that triggers change is IF they ever find themselves face down in the gutter, but that may never happen.

 

Ultimately, what you are feeling is an emotional roller coaster - one day you are good with what's going on and believe you'll be better off, next day you are devastated and depressed and lost. I hope you are also looking for a therapist to help you go through this. It really will help you a lot. You can't avoid the roller coaster entirely, but you can make it easier to get past for yourself. Hugs.

 

You know, DancingFool, you are so right about the fact that it's pretty much impossible for me to see what strangers see. That's why I decided to seek some opinions here - so that I can get some objective views. The word "abusive" seems to come up a lot, and I never really labeled it as such. In my mind, I was just trying to compromise and please him. Talk about an eye-opener! And, I also agree when you state that " the person with the disorder typically doesn't believe they are disordered". Somehow, I always seem to blame myself. I should grow myself some ba***. Also, thank you for answering, yet again. I sincerely appreciate it.

[reinventmyself]

At the same time you need to own your participation in this dance.

I don't doubt that you don't.

But you've rewarded him for his bad behavior. It's no surprise that he's pouting now, because it's always worked in the past, right?

 

And it is typical abuse survival mode when you blame yourself. If you can only twist yourself into a pretzel, everything would be ok. Because after all, you are the only thing you have control over.

 

He's not budging from his position and you've been the one to acquiesce and take the blame for so long. Learning to do it differently isn't easy. You two have been casted into your roles for so long.

He doesn't want to change the game because it works for him.

 

Been there, done that.