He wants a divorce

[goddess]

Can't argue with you. It just seems so cruel.

[DancingFool]

Can't argue with you. It just seems so cruel.

 

It is cruel, miserable and unfair. As much as you've been getting tough love from us, please understand that it comes from a good place and from many posters, painful personal experience. Hugs, we really do feel for you and the tough love is because we want you to come out of this OK in the end.

[goddess]

Thank you so much for your advice and kind words, DancingFool. The truth is hard to face but with each passing day I realize that what I had was toxic to some degree. Everyone has problems and this is unsurmountable for him. Some people just don't know how good they had it. Why should I stay with him when he's made it clear that if I don't do what he wants sexually he'll divorce me. I still wish him happiness but I can walk with my head up high knowing that I gave it all I had and still remain true to myself. He's got some growing up to do. Hugs. xx

[Starlight925]

Why should I stay with him when he's made it clear that if I don't do what he wants sexually he'll divorce me. I still wish him happiness but I can walk with my head up high knowing that I gave it all I had and still remain true to myself. He's got some growing up to do.

 

The bolded is of huge important to you. You are showing high emotional maturity in knowing that you can walk away, knowing all you know now, with your head held high.

 

This isn't about him growing up. It's about differing needs and desires.

As others have said, he will search for his BDSM female(s), and he'll probably churn through a few until he finds the specific sexual fit he's looking for.

[reinventmyself]

I guess what it all boils down to is compromise. Marriage is built on compromise.

 

He likes A. You don't.

 

So you compromise. You keep going back the table to negotiate until you reach a mutually satisfying outcome.

 

Sometimes one person gives up a little something and gets something else in return - out of good will, at another time. And so it goes.

 

But there isn't any compromising going on here.

You either do it or there are consequences.

Being a bully in the bedroom is a sure fire way to ruin any intimacy.

 

I get everyone has different sex drives. But his frequency combined with the blatant demand reeks of an addiction of sorts. Add in the earlier quirks support this.

 

-I had a bf that pressured me to do things I didn't want to do. At first I wanted to be a good sport and did some minor things (outside of vanilla stuff) but I could see that the bar was being raised each time. I was shamed for not being into `it' or `that' and he often tried to head trip me `that everyone else was doing it' and `other women do such and such'

 

I've was married to a mentally abusive man, so I can smell when someone is trying to manipulate me. The more I held my ground the more the pressure escalated. The more he shared with me what he was after, I recognized that it was time to go. . And I did. In the middle of it, it wasn't pleasant.

Looking back on it now it's a little disturbing and makes me sad.

 

My bf now would never want me to do anything that made me uncomfortable. He's kind and loving and very protective that way.

[goddess]

You are right about the different sexual needs and desires. But, after nearly 29 years - that stinks, but at least my kids are grown and out of the house. That's life. xx

[goddess]

I guess what it all boils down to is compromise. Marriage is built on compromise.

 

He likes A. You don't.

 

So you compromise. You keep going back the table to negotiate until you reach a mutually satisfying outcome.

 

Sometimes one person gives up a little something and gets something else in return - out of good will, at another time. And so it goes.

 

But there isn't any compromising going on here.

You either do it or there are consequences.

Being a bully in the bedroom is a sure fire way to ruin any intimacy.

 

I get everyone has different sex drives. But his frequency combined with the blatant demand reeks of an addiction of sorts. Add in the earlier quirks support this.

 

-I had a bf that pressured me to do things I didn't want to do. At first I wanted to be a good sport and did some minor things (outside of vanilla stuff) but I could see that the bar was being raised each time. I was shamed for not being into `it' or `that' and he often tried to head trip me `that everyone else was doing it' and `other women do such and such'

 

I've was married to a mentally abusive man, so I can smell when someone is trying to manipulate me. The more I held my ground the more the pressure escalated. The more he shared with me what he was after, I recognized that it was time to go. . And I did. In the middle of it, it wasn't pleasant.

Looking back on it now it's a little disturbing and makes me sad.

 

My bf now would never want me to do anything that made me uncomfortable. He's kind and loving and very protective that way.

 

In all fairness, I feel that we did compromise to a certain degree but you sure are right about "You either do it, or there are consequences." I sincerely tried but what I did wasn't good enough. Thank you for sharing your story. Sounds like you had some hardships as well. I wish you all the best with your new bf - he sounds wonderful. xx

[reinventmyself]

I hope you keep us posted. I think we all feel a little invested in the outcome at this point.

You are no doubt a very good person.

You deserve some peace and happiness.

[goddess]

I hope you keep us posted. I think we all feel a little invested in the outcome at this point.

You are no doubt a very good person.

You deserve some peace and happiness.

 

Thank you for your kind words. I am very touched. xx

[abitbroken]

One last thing (for now) - i know you feel disloyal to your husband not being an open book but you really have to be right now -- to see a lawyer or two independent of him knowing. If you are an open book, you will get screwed over so badly you won't know what hit you. Its not about possessions as much as it is taking respect back

[Wiseman2]

It would help if you saw a therapist to help you navigate all this. It would also help you see that sexual coercion, manipulation, threats, degrading treatment, lack of concern for your health, total financial control, making you think you can't live without him, etc. are all varying forms of abuse. A therapist and an attorney can be your best friends and protect you and get you away from this.

"You either do it, or there are consequences." I sincerely tried but what I did wasn't good enough.

[goddess]

Sorry, I wrote this message in the wrong place.

[goddess]

It would help if you saw a therapist to help you navigate all this. It would also help you see that sexual coercion, manipulation, threats, degrading treatment, lack of concern for your health, total financial control, making you think you can't live without him, etc. are all varying forms of abuse. A therapist and an attorney can be your best friends and protect you and get you away from this.

 

I would definitely benefit from seeing a therapist but this just happened two weeks ago tomorrow and I am in a very anguished and confused state right now. Sometimes, I feel at peace with it but today I find that I am questioning myself as to whether what he wanted was not too much to ask. I even cried several times today. Yes, he says he'd like for me to be in control and to do a little something just about every day (even twice) which to me, was a bit much. Or, it is normal? On one hand, I felt like it was similar to a daily "to-do" list. I felt under pressure to perform "my duties" and I didn't like that although I did wish to please him. On the other hand, was it truly too much to satisfy his needs in the ways that he wanted? I am so conflicted. Thank you for talking to me. I very much appreciate your feedback, Wiseman.

 

I still deeply love him and I wonder if I should try to talk to him and work things out. But I think it's too late for that. He needs a therapist as well, badly. But, when I think of his divorce threats in the past, I know what should be done. He has, after all, totally rejected and thrown me away. I think that speaks volumes. He is so angry with me right now that he doesn't say good night, or hi when he comes come from work, etc. I, at lease, say good morning to him when I wake up. I'm sorry if I am boring you with all this. It just goes to show you how scattered my thoughts are...

[abitbroken]

I would definitely benefit from seeing a therapist but this just happened two weeks ago tomorrow and I am in a very anguished and confused state right now. Sometimes, I feel at peace with it but today I find that I am questioning myself as to whether what he wanted was not too much to ask. I even cried several times today. Yes, he says he'd like for me to be in control and to do a little something just about every day (even twice) which to me, was a bit much. Or, it is normal? On one hand, I felt like it was similar to a daily "to-do" list. I felt under pressure to perform "my duties" and I didn't like that although I did wish to please him. On the other hand, was it truly too much to satisfy his needs in the ways that he wanted? I am so conflicted. Thank you for talking to me. I very much appreciate your feedback, Wiseman.

 

I still deeply love him and I wonder if I should try to talk to him and work things out. But I think it's too late for that. He needs a therapist as well, badly. But, when I think of his divorce threats in the past, I know what should be done. He has, after all, totally rejected and thrown me away. I think that speaks volumes. He is so angry with me right now that he doesn't say good night, or hi when he comes come from work, etc. I, at lease, say good morning to him when I wake up. I'm sorry if I am boring you with all this. It just goes to show you how scattered my thoughts are...

 

you are not boring us.

 

I think you should see a therapist first and foremost even if you have to drive a bit out of your small town. He already has an attorney. That is really low that he can't even say good morning to you -- do you see now that there is no way "an amicable split" with just his attorney involved will be good for you. Its not like he cares deeply for you but things are just not working. If you see an attorney and a counselor he may be so shocked by that action that he may not see it coming. And that's what you want. If you suddenly decide to acquiesce to his whims -- you are no better off because he will just get huffy again next year and you will have lost a little more of yourself in the meantime. This is no way to live.

[reinventmyself]

The best investment I made while contemplating and going through a divorce, was seeing a therapist.

When you consider the stress level of a divorce is that of a death of an immediate family member - you need some support.

 

Add in the unhealthy dynamic that has existing the entire duration of your marriage. . and you questioning if it's normal not, suggests that you are under a lot of stress and that leads to confusion.

 

My ex husband would not talk to me if he was denied the night before. He'd be punishing the entire day, even to the kids. It was miserable. Just about the time I finished the dinner dishes, he'd turn on the charm. He had an agenda and it was painfully obvious. I resented him so much for it.

 

Sadly, if we were smart enough and knew differently, maybe we could have caught it in time. But years of bad habits and others just like this destroyed the marriage. I left thinking I was frigid or something. No one was more surprise then myself that I actually loved sex. But - in the context of and loving intimate atmosphere, where conflicts are resolved and not swept under the rug. Where someone doesn't view sex as an entitlement but as a gift you give each other.

[goddess]

One last thing (for now) - i know you feel disloyal to your husband not being an open book but you really have to be right now -- to see a lawyer or two independent of him knowing. If you are an open book, you will get screwed over so badly you won't know what hit you. Its not about possessions as much as it is taking respect back

 

I do agree and I will.

[goddess]

you are not boring us.

 

I think you should see a therapist first and foremost even if you have to drive a bit out of your small town. He already has an attorney. That is really low that he can't even say good morning to you -- do you see now that there is no way "an amicable split" with just his attorney involved will be good for you. Its not like he cares deeply for you but things are just not working. If you see an attorney and a counselor he may be so shocked by that action that he may not see it coming. And that's what you want. If you suddenly decide to acquiesce to his whims -- you are no better off because he will just get huffy again next year and you will have lost a little more of yourself in the meantime. This is no way to live.

 

You are so right. I know deep in my heart that will happen again. It's happened 3-4 times already. The time before this that it happened (his wanting a divorce) he said that "the next time it happens, I'm just going to serve you with papers". Is that not pathetic? That's abuse, for sure.

[goddess]

The best investment I made while contemplating and going through a divorce, was seeing a therapist.

When you consider the stress level of a divorce is that of a death of an immediate family member - you need some support.

 

Add in the unhealthy dynamic that has existing the entire duration of your marriage. . and you questioning if it's normal not, suggests that you are under a lot of stress and that leads to confusion.

 

My ex husband would not talk to me if he was denied the night before. He'd be punishing the entire day, even to the kids. It was miserable. Just about the time I finished the dinner dishes, he'd turn on the charm. He had an agenda and it was painfully obvious. I resented him so much for it.

 

Sadly, if we were smart enough and knew differently, maybe we could have caught it in time. But years of bad habits and others just like this destroyed the marriage. I left thinking I was frigid or something. No one was more surprise then myself that I actually loved sex. But - in the context of and loving intimate atmosphere, where conflicts are resolved and not swept under the rug. Where someone doesn't view sex as an entitlement but as a gift you give each other.

 

How could such individuals be so self-centered and uncaring? Yes, I love sex - no issues there. You said it so elegantly "in the context of a loving and intimate atmosphere..." Wow, that's deep. Thank you. I agree with you 100%.

[reinventmyself]

"the next time it happens, I'm just going to serve you with papers". Is that not pathetic? That's abuse, for sure.

 

I'm sorry.

That's disturbing.

[annie24]

You are so right. I know deep in my heart that will happen again. It's happened 3-4 times already. The time before this that it happened (his wanting a divorce) he said that "the next time it happens, I'm just going to serve you with papers". Is that not pathetic? That's abuse, for sure.

 

If he wants you to do certain things in the bedroom, he should have considered giving you a massage or taking you out on a nice date. That works better for seducing a woman than threatening divorce each time. Sheesh.

[Wiseman2]

Please tell this to a therapist in private and stop asking him to go to therapy with you to try to "fix" the marriage.

he said that "the next time it happens, I'm just going to serve you with papers".

[goddess]

Please tell this to a therapist in private and stop asking him to go to therapy with you to try to "fix" the marriage.

 

Hi again. No, I just asked him if he was interested in going to therapy two weeks ago. Just that one time. The more time goes by, the more I realize how downright wrong and abusive what he said is. I can be pretty dense and naive at times. If I really stop and think about it, that's a terrible threat. We are not talking at all right now, but I want to tell him that. I'm sure he's unaware of how nasty he is because he told me about a week ago all that he does for me (which he does and I'm very appreciative) but he paints himself as a nearly perfect husband and doesn't understand why I can't fulfill his few weird (that's my description) sexual needs. He has a way of making it all seem like my fault. He feels that he does it all and I can't even even step out of my box to please him, which I I do, but not as often as he would like.

 

Also, I have no desire to live my life this way. I don't need his threats and, hard and sad as it will be, divorcing may bring both of us some peace.

[goddess]

I'm sorry.

That's disturbing.

 

Yes, it is, and hurtful too. After he said that, I felt like there was a dark cloud hanging over me. I either do what he wants or there will be consequences. Not good.

[DancingFool]

Hi again. No, I just asked him if he was interested in going to therapy two weeks ago. Just that one time. The more time goes by, the more I realize how downright wrong and abusive what he said is. I can be pretty dense and naive at times. If I really stop and think about it, that's a terrible threat. We are not talking at all right now, but I want to tell him that. I'm sure he's unaware of how nasty he is because he told me about a week ago all that he does for me (which he does and I'm very appreciative) but he paints himself as a nearly perfect husband and doesn't understand why I can't fulfill his few weird (that's my description) sexual needs. He has a way of making it all seem like my fault. He feels that he does it all and I can't even even step out of my box to please him, which I I do, but not as often as he would like.

 

Also, I have no desire to live my life this way. I don't need his threats and, hard and sad as it will be, divorcing may bring both of us some peace.

 

You really need to get this idea that he just doesn't know out of your head. Yes, he does know very well. Making himself out to be a "victim", making you feel guilty and bad about things - this is textbook 101 intentional manipulation. Also, you previously went to therapy and he went right back to being himself - selfish and self centered and manipulative.

 

Also, please pay attention. You are still trying to be civil but he won't even speak to you. Please beware. This is not a man who is being kind to you. I'm afraid that you might be in for a very bad shock as he will turn on you and you'll find out the hard way that whatever you thought you knew of him isn't there anymore.

[Seraphim]

He sounds like his emotional development was stunted at toddler age.