Confession: Ending an affair

[Capricorn3]

If you continue to believe "it just happened" and it wasn't your choice to get involved with a married man, it's highly likely to happen again.

I agree. Affairs don't "just happen". It's a choice. It's a conscious decision to get involved. It's a conscious decision to remain involved all the time knowing you are doing wrong but still continue to do so anyway. In no way did this "just happen".

[itsallgrand]

If you continue to believe "it just happened" and it wasn't your choice to get involved with a married man, it's highly likely to happen again. No need for labels on the way you feel or why - because only your actions are relevant and how you react to those feelings. You used the label "officially together" and you know he prioritized being married (for whatever reason) over being with you. Married man cannot date, by definition - no label, just reality, so if he can't date of course he couldn't "officially" be with you. I'm not attacking you for this affair just not seeing in the least how you plan to not do it again if you evade your responsibility with "it just happened" and "no ulterior motive", etc.

 

I agree. It's part of the fantasy of affairs being romantic. "It just happened. Sometimes you can't put a label on how you feel.". The whole idea behind it being there is some bigger force than conscious choice driving an affair.

 

And it works in a cheaters favour if you will believe such things. Neither of you take accountability this way, you can think of it as star crossed lovers given a cruel hand by fate.

 

The reality being a lot uglier to swallow - he wanted some tail on the side, no matter who it hurts.

[Doc Blaze]

I am not going to say anything bad but I am going to tell you what my father always told me when I was making sketchy decisions

 

 

“you reap what you sow”

 

 

.... and he left it at that.

[Annia]

JA0371, when you met him, do you think you went for it precisely because you knew nothing would ever come of it?

 

you knew he wasn't going to leave the family for you, and didn't ask him to.

 

the distance plus the marriage and kid made him doubly off charts.

 

i don't know about your dating history, but sometimes we give ourselves a semblance of a relationship which we know will never become more because we feel not ready, or not fit for an actual one.

 

the rational part of you may not want this type of relationship, but a promising and healthy one.

 

and sometimes there's a part that wants 7 bolted doors between us and the real thing.

 

and they compromise like this.

 

i'm only saying this because i am hoping you get to the bottom of why you chose this, so that you don't go through stillborn relationships again.

 

This is a very good point and worth digging into it in order not to repeat the same mistake again. Emotionally unavailable people usually look for other emotionally unavailable people too.

[DancingFool]

First kudos for ending things and even bigger kudos for actually having the courage to admit here what actually happened.

 

That said..... If you keep fooling yourself with the "he really does love me", you can't move forward in peace. If you keep lying to yourself that "it just happened" you can't ensure that it never happens again. I hope you find the strength to dig deep within yourself and be as brutally honest as actually necessary with yourself so that you do come out the other side of this the person you actually want to be and get the life and relationship you want.

[Jomarie]

I fell for a man who was already in a relationship, although I didn't find this out until I'd already fallen hard. I continued with the long distance communication and three years on I realise that by doing so i've given up three years of my life. It's not easy once the heart and the hugely complicated emotions that are involved with falling for someone become involved. I just want te say to you that I for one don't judge or condemn you. We're human and we make errors of judgement. If hindsight was foresight everyone would live a completely blame free life and no mistakes would ever be made. But it isn't, we learn as we live and the lessons are often painful. I hope you can move on from this and find someone who can treat you as his one and only, his priority. You're hurting enough without the poisoned arrows that are being fired.

[JA0371]

Thanks for everyone who responded.

I started this thread knowing I would be blasted. It's fine. I'm an adult, I won't even defend myself anymore.

 

I have not been the wife in this situation ..but despite all the misconceptions I have had many episodes of guilt and shame and yes trying to empathize with her. To judge and say 'then you should have left her husband alone' is just that. Judgmental. No one here has met me, or heard my conversations about this with the MM. Believe me, it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. Also someone mentioned the wife not being hurt because she didn't 'know' about it. Exactly what would it accomplish except to hurt an innocent person. She did nothing wrong. WE did. If she finds out about me, it won't be from me.ever

[Hollyj]

Sherry, believe me I get it. I'm not a home wrecker. Far from it. I do have a good moral compass, and I do have integrity,which is exactly why I ended the affair.

I expect some backlash for posting this. It's fine. You don't know me personally so it's easy for you to point your finger and look down on me. Again...that's fine. Im sure somewhere in your life you've done something you're not proud of. I sure hope no one berated you for your choices. Especially if you owned up to it.

 

Uh, no. If that were the case, you never would have gotten involved in the first place.

 

Owning up means nothing. It should never have started.

[Hollyj]

No. I never asked him to leave her. Ever.

He told me he wanted to be with me...but giving up half of everything after 30 years is a lot.

I would never expect him to do that. We had discussed me moving closer to him but I refused unless we were

Officially together.

 

 

Why would you expect so little for yourself? Have you sought a counselor for self esteem issues. Wasn't the relationship prior to this really unhealthy?

[Hollyj]

I wrote this thread because I ENDED an affair. Meaning it's over.

I never asked my MM to leave his wife for me. Not once. So to attack me for having has an affair that I have ended is pointless. Obviously I knew it was wrong or I would continue doing it.

 

You need to take some responsibility. You are equally to blame.

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks for everyone who responded.

I started this thread knowing I would be blasted. It's fine. I'm an adult, I won't even defend myself anymore.

 

I have not been the wife in this situation ..but despite all the misconceptions I have had many episodes of guilt and shame and yes trying to empathize with her. To judge and say 'then you should have left her husband alone' is just that. Judgmental. No one here has met me, or heard my conversations about this with the MM. Believe me, it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. Also someone mentioned the wife not being hurt because she didn't 'know' about it. Exactly what would it accomplish except to hurt an innocent person. She did nothing wrong. WE did. If she finds out about me, it won't be from me.ever

 

JA, while I don't condone affairs with married people, I do applaud you for being honest about it here, and for ending it, and do I'm not going to add to the comments about how what you did was wrong. You know that already. You've said it here -- you know HOW you went wrong, and it's done and can't be undone. What you CAN do now is figure out WHY you went wrong. Time for some serious soul-searching to determine why you got/stayed involved for nearly a year with a married person in the first place (and it's not just about things "happening," people not being able to help how they feel, etc.). There's always a reason we pursue relationships with the people we choose to pursue them with. In my case, my ex was not married, but he was "unavailable" in several other ways -- emotionally, for sure, but also in the sense that he was still very much hung up on his previous girlfriend (they were still in contact, and in hindsight, I suspect that they still saw each other -- and more -- while he and I were involved). I went through about five years of very difficult times with him -- off and on, off and on -- it felt never-ending. Once it finally did end (he made it clear he was pursuing other people), I gave up on him and had to focus on ME, asking myself a lot of hard questions and digging deep for the answers. It wasn't pretty, I'll tell you that. I realized I was so desperate for his approval, thinking that if I could "win him over" it would prove that I was lovable, worthy. I think, in some sense, I chose a person who was very unlikely to give that approval because, in some sick way, I think I wanted to prove that, once and for all, I WASN'T worthy -- it would have confirmed lies I had been telling myself for years (and I had been telling myself some tall tales, for sure). In hindsight, I cringe at how low my self-worth was, but it was a HUGE learning experience for me -- just a tremendous opportunity for growth (at 41 years old, no less!)

 

So...now that it's done, time to focus on why it happened so that you can prevent it from ever happening again -- so that you can choose more wisely, in ways that both serve your best interests AND don't cause harm to anyone else. Start by asking yourself things like, "What did this relationship do for me that made me choose to stay in it even though I knew it wasn't right for me?" "Why did I get involved with someone who was unavailable to me?" "Why did I persist in remaining involved, even though I knew it wasn't right for me and I was suffering?" "What prevents me from choosing a partner who is available to me in all ways?"

 

Just a few things to think about; when you understand the "why's," it's much more likely you'll be mindful in the future and make better decisions. I know I did. It was a long process (complete with a lot of thinking, crying, and a lot of work), but once I came out on the other side, I made MUCH better choices, and I found someone full available to me, someone I've never had to try to "win over." It's a great feeling. I hope that happens for you, too.

[reinventmyself]

I just have a hard time with you saying you knew it was wrong but not taking responsibility for acting on it at the same time.

It's already been touched on, but saying it `just happened' doesn't fly.

You are two grown adults that made a conscious choice based on the facts in front of you.

 

To say he wouldn't commit to coming to you while simultaneously saying you would never ask him leave his family is just verbal

semantics. So maybe you never said the actual words but the deal was on the table and some body put it there. He chose not to take it.

The same goes for you no wanting to go his way without being official. He had a choice to make without being asked. The two of

you are responsible for creating the dilemma.

 

My ex took someone up on their offer.

Granted our marriage was ending anyway. But we were in the 11th hour negotiation when she came along.

I guess if you haven't been married with a family it's hard to understand. . or not.

I just kept putting myself in her place and if a man showed up on my doorstep with a wife and kids at home. .

I don't care how phenomenal our 'once in lifetime' connection was. . I'd send his a$$ home.

 

She wasn't married and didn't have kids. . so I suppose she couldn't possibly understand what all was at stake.

 

You also said you knew you would be some harsh feedback, but get defensive about it as well.

Having said that. . you are awfully brave to put this out there.

 

I've always liked you JA. . I hope you come to terms with this.

[JA0371]

Why would you expect so little for yourself? Have you sought a counselor for self esteem issues. Wasn't the relationship prior to this really unhealthy?

 

And you're an expert in self esteem? Lol

[HeartGoesOn]

^

JAO....That was uncalled for.

[Jibralta]

I recently ended a long distance affair....I am disclosing this now because it's pretty imperative to my healing.

 

I think you are on the right track. I think that a year from now, if you reread this thread and some of your responses, you'll see that you're not yet being completely honest with yourself. For example, the bit about not wanting him to leave his wife 'for you.' I think that on top of the pain of this break up, you are also dealing with the pain of having done something that you are ashamed of. So, total honesty might be hard for a while. But you're on the right track, and it will help you to heal.

 

I don't blame my MM at all. He was always honest with me about everything. Sometimes too honest.

 

You should blame him. Blame yourself, too, of course. But don't leave him out!

 

Avoid putting him on a pedestal in any way. I remember one of your past threads and he was no gem. Kinda mean, actually. You are better off without someone like that.

 

If she gets hurt it's because of what her husband did. I am not married to her.

 

There's never an obligation to be kind. That's what makes kindness so valuable.

 

You don't owe his wife anything, true. But you could have been kind to her by NOT allowing this man to cheat with you.

[Fudgie]

I applaud you for ending the affair, I really do. I hope you lose his contact info and ignore him forever now. I do hope that for your own sake, more than anyone else's, that you will work to really come to terms with what you did. Affairs/relationships do not "just happen". You made an active choice to have a relationship with a married man. "Feelings" can just happen, yes, but relationships/actions don't. Those actually come from an active choice. You can walk away from a situation despite your own feelings. Saying that "it just happened" does not change the fact that it was still an active choice, no matter how much you deny that.

 

I've read a number of your threads. I don't think you're an evil person or even a bad one, but I think you did make a mistake, yeah. And I'm glad you ended it, but I think right now, when you're still hurting and feeling like a victim, it's hard to see yourself as a wrong-doer. Give yourself time and permission to grieve this relationship and think more about your role in it and you may find that as you heal, your feelings will change.

 

With every action you take, think about the golden rule. You feel better about yourself when you resolve to live a life of integrity.

[boltnrun]

You're still in the denial phase, which of course is quite common.

 

Like Jibralta wrote, you not only are dealing with the end of something you thought would be your future, but you're also most likely (secretly) ashamed of how you behaved. I'm not sure if you ever introduced him to your parents, other family members or friends, but how do you introduce him? My "boyfriend"? It would be a dilemma.

 

And sorry, but things don't "just happen". And sure, we can't always control our emotions but we sure can control whether or not we act on them. I've had crushes on taken men and I just enjoy my secret fantasies about them and go on my way. It can be done, even if the guy seems to return your affections.

 

And yes, unfortunately this man did know what he was doing was wrong and he chose to anyway. I don't know how he described his relationship with his wife, but I'd take whatever he said with a grain of salt.

 

I have a very close friend who is currently involved in an affair with a married man. The level of denial that she chooses to live in is astounding. He flat out told her he will not leave his wife yet she still asserts "I know we'll be together" and even moved close to him and rented an apartment with extra bedrooms for his kids, because of course they will all live together happily ever after WHEN he leaves his wife for her. And the wife is a shrew, of course! It's one of the saddest things I've ever seen, but she will NOT let go. I know when everything eventually blows up she will be in for a world of pain worse than she feels now. She very much wants a husband and kids and it baffles me why she thinks she's going to get that from this guy.

 

I'm glad you chose to remove yourself from this bad situation. I also hope he has enough respect and caring for you to leave you the heck alone.

[Batya33]

"There's never an obligation to be kind. That's what makes kindness so valuable.

 

You don't owe his wife anything, true. But you could have been kind to her by NOT allowing this man to cheat with you."

 

I think we all owe fellow human beings not to do something to hurt the person intentionally unless it's in self-defense. It's a safe bet that a spouse is hurt by an affair by the other spouse (certainly there are exceptions -she could have not cared/been having an affair too but then chances are it wouldn't have had to be kept a secret, etc). So you are part of the reason she is hurt because it takes two to tango. You could have said no.

 

One of my best friends had an affair when she was single in her 20s, with one of her best male friends who "confessed" his feelings to her while they were classmates. She wasted three years of her life on this man. Luckily, after they ended things, she soon met her future husband, a wonderful man. They dated a year or so and then got engaged with a wedding planned about 8 months later. Two months before the wedding she was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. He married her anyway because he was that kind of person and she died about two years later. Think about what percentage of her life she wasted with a married man (whose wife had another baby while he was with my friend) - obviously she met her husband at a particular time and might not have met him earlier -I get that -but if you think about a woman dying in her early 30s with 10 percent of her life spent on an affair -just consider that, too. (And no she did not deserve to get sick -that wasn't at all my point -I miss her very much).

[itsallgrand]

It's not only emotional hurt the wife can suffer.

 

A life changing experience for me was being cheated on by a previous partner. It wasn't just the betrayal. My most vivid memories are of going to a community clinic where no one would know me. Sitting there waiting on test results. Genuinely terrified of what sexually transmitted illness he may have gave me. Thankfully I was alright. But I might not have been, and that was the hardest thing to forgive. My human right to information which could impact my health, my life, was withheld from me. I would have chosen to not have sex with someone who was lying to me and sleeping with someone else.

 

It's not just a persons heart that can get hurt. And since he lies, none of you really know who all he sleeps with or how.

[boltnrun]

Yeah, I can guarantee the OP is not his first affair and won't be the last.

 

It's really shameful that these men pretend to "love" their affair partners to get strange sex for themselves. It's selfish and evil. And what's even sadder is the women who believe these men do love them and who adamantly insist that what they have with these cheaters is "true love".

 

A man who truly loves you would not put you in the position of being their dirty little secret.

[Hollyj]

And you're an expert in self esteem? Lol

 

I can say that I only get involved with available men. I would never entertain a man that has a partner, as I saw the lifelong hurt and mistrust that it caused my friends.

 

I can also say that I believe that I have a healthy self esteem.

[Annia]

Indeed you should blame him too. Being honest with you about having a wife doesn't give him free pass to cheat on his wife nor makes what he did less bad. You're putting him on a pedestal. You're deluding yourself with the "he loved me", "he was honest" etc. I think it's because you actually feel guilty and putting a romantic light into this will make you feel that all of this was justified. Sometimes we say we did something in the name of love to feel that our actions were justified and to decrease the guilt we're feeling. The problem is when this self delusion prevents us from taking responsibility for our actions to avoid similar things to happen.

 

No, he's not an amazing man or guilt free at all... he's a chronic cheater. Look at both of you honestly and deeply and you'll have all the answers you need.

[NightLily]

I think a part of you probably did this for validation. He approached you and chased you regardless of the rules, his commitment, this other woman in his life. He emotionally picked you over her. You knew the real him, she didn't. You had his heart, she had him by commitment.

 

You get the idea...

 

Do you crave a lot of attention? I just wonder if maybe you need to spend some time focused on your talents and other passions and develop your self esteem in ways that don't revolve around male attention or attention for your sexuality or physical self. I obviously agree with everybody else that a crucial step for you to move on towards healthier relationships is to fully accept responsibility for your wrong doing in this. But I do also wonder why you chose to dive head first straight into a inevitable train wreck.

[Batya33]

I think a part of you probably did this for validation. He approached you and chased you regardless of the rules, his commitment, this other woman in his life. He emotionally picked you over her. You knew the real him, she didn't. You had his heart, she had him by commitment.

 

You get the idea...

 

Do you crave a lot of attention? I just wonder if maybe you need to spend some time focused on your talents and other passions and develop your self esteem in ways that don't revolve around male attention or attention for your sexuality or physical self. I obviously agree with everybody else that a crucial step for you to move on towards healthier relationships is to fully accept responsibility for your wrong doing in this. But I do also wonder why you chose to dive head first straight into a inevitable train wreck.

 

I don't buy for a second that he picked her for anything other than something on the side and sure he might have had loving feelings for her but certainly not loving actions because if he wanted to give to her in a loving way he would have told her from the beginning that he could not interact with her until his divorce was final, if he ever chose to divorce. That's what people who care do because caring is about keeping the other person's best interests at heart, too. Also no idea who knows the real him and I disagree that someone who chooses to cheat on his spouse is showing the other person "the real him". Unless real him means someone who justifies cheating and lying -that she knew of him -that was the "real" choices he made. I don't think romanticizing and idealizing an affair in this way is helpful to the OP.

[Hell_On_Heels]

We all make it sound so simple, so black and white. I don't believe it is. How can it be, with emotions driving so much of it?

 

There are degrees of things, shades of grey. The married man might love the other woman, who knows? He might love his wife, too. That being said, the person he loves the most is himself. That holds true for cheaters, abusers, etc.

 

We have these grandiose notions of what love is, what loves does. We refuse to acknowledge that love isn't always pretty. Sure, it inspires people to create art, music, poetry. It also drives people to kill. Laws recognize that - why don't we?

 

I believe we do need the visions of what love should be - and accept that we have to practice achieving that. Practice. Not instant success. If we are honest with ourselves, every one of us has done something shameful because we loved someone or something, and not in a good way.

 

I'm not condoning affairs, but I don't think it's as simplistic as we're making it out to be here. And I'm certainly not going to kick someone in the face after they said they regret what they did.

 

I'm not trying to preach. I've been on the receiving end when admitting something terrible I've done and needing help to get beyond it. It isn't helpful when people continually point out that you did wrong. Yes, that's true, and admitted. Now what?

 

OP, I wonder about your deepest thoughts, needs, emotions at the time. You got caught up in all those crazy in love feelings, yes, but there is more. Maybe there's an element of trying to win, to mean more to him than his wife did? Maybe you wanted to try on a new persona - free, independent modern woman? I don't know what it was, but that is what you must find out.