Confession: Ending an affair

[Batya33]

"not condoning affairs, but I don't think it's as simplistic as we're making it out to be here. And I'm certainly not going to kick someone in the face after they said they regret what they did. "

 

And she also wrote that what she did wasn't hurtful to the wife, and she attempted to justify her choice with the "it just happened". So I balanced both in how I reacted.

[reinventmyself]

What I read is pain, regret and disappointment. . just not remorse.

[Hell_On_Heels]

"not condoning affairs, but I don't think it's as simplistic as we're making it out to be here. And I'm certainly not going to kick someone in the face after they said they regret what they did. "

 

And she also wrote that what she did wasn't hurtful to the wife, and she attempted to justify her choice with the "it just happened". So I balanced both in how I reacted.

 

Hey Batya

 

I'm in no position to judge anyone- not you, or the OP, or my neighbors. I've tried hard and screwed up anyway too many times in my life for me to feel comfortable with it. I'm not trying to point fingers at any of us here. Yet, it is a support board. There are many times I read threads and think, "I just can't agree with that" - or relate to it, or feel empathy, so I don't reply. Sometimes I do relate, but so strongly that I am reacting rather than acting.

 

I figure if we are posting here, it means we probably don't have anyone we trust enough that's close to us to help. So we come here, where we won't hurt those we love with our struggles. Maybe we shouldn't hurt each other? Eta- I don't think your responses were hurtful.

 

I've read the OP's posts very closely. Affairs have touched my life more times than I can count. I wanna know what's in people's heads, why do we do the things we do?

 

In this case, the OP has just recently broken it off, and I'd expect she's still processing a lot of it. Change and understanding takes time. I get the feeling that she's been talking with OWs (other women) because she's using the normal acronyms - MM and OW, but also because she's offering the "party line"...

 

Like, "I'm not the one who made the commitment to his wife", (implying "so I'm not accountable.")

Truth is, she didn't make the commitment, true. We are always accountable when our actions cause pain or potential pain to someone else.

 

"The wife doesn't even know about the affair."

Truth is, she might know, or suspect, or have no idea. Most of us do get that spidey sense when our partner is cheating. Regardless, the actions are harmful to others if discovered, so both affair partners share the guilt. I'd say the husband is more guilty, but affairs require an accomplice. Period.

 

I don't know if the thoughts the OP posted here will be permanent or not. I'd hope that if we can accept what she's working through - not what she did - then maybe she can come to terms with her actions.

 

I do believe that will take time, though. And I know for myself, if people are hurling truths at me instead of helping me find them myself, I tend to stay too defensive to really look at myself clearly. I think most of us are like that.

 

That's why I wrote what I did.

[Batya33]

I support her in her decision to end the affair. The way I and others read what she wrote about the wife (too tired to repost verbatim) was that it was not her fault if the wife got hurt since she isn't married to her. She also said it "just happened" and that means to me she is not taking full responsibility for her choices. I also agree that she did not show remorse. I find her opinions hurtful generally to those of us who value commitment.

 

Almost all of the time that someone asks for support after ending an affair there is acknowledgement of responsibility and remorse. So the support asked for has to do with of course the emotional turmoil and hurt and conflicting emotions. I don't agree that we have to support the views I wrote about in this post, but am of course supportive of her decision to end the affair and move on from it and end contact with this person. Perhaps then I should stay silent when I can't be 100% supportive and stay true to my personal values. Something to think about and you made me think that that might be the better path.

[Hell_On_Heels]

That was a huge compliment, thank you Your views are making me think, too, and I really enjoy that!

[ParisPaulette]

I have to hand it to you for bravery, because damn it takes guts to admit something like that anywhere. Let alone here. And I applaud your decision to end the affair and let sanity prevail.

 

As others have said, and as someone who had her fair share of toxic relationships, all I would tell you is to stay away from the idea that somehow it was out of your control. That emotions were so grand and so huge you just both couldn't help yourself, because honestly that's probably a bigger lie than the affair itself. And I know that may hurt your feelings, but if you're going to straight here then I will be too. You have a brain and the power to reason, so when you do something wrong it's because you chose to do so. You can tell yourself whatever reasons you like, but at the end of the day we are not the ones who have to face you in the mirror. That's on you and if you are going to really truly learn and not let history repeat itself then you need to get honest with yourself.

 

I am going to tell you - and I know my two cents isn't likely to change anything, but hey I can tell you anyways - that you do need to stop and examine why you said yes to a toxic relationship to begin with. I haven't had affairs with a married man, but I have with a very toxic one and I knew from week one that I was making a pretty giant mistake. There were reasons why I went ahead with it anyways and why I kept on long after the relationship was dead, but those realizations don't come overnight. So give yourself time.

 

Block him on everything, to the point of no return. Take some time off from any and all dating or anything relationships wise and really examine your life and what it will take to make you happy that has nothing to do with a man in or out of it. And I think you can learn from this and walk away to a better life. Everyone can start over or anew, keep that in mind. People have survived and flourished in the face of far, far worse so you can too. But all I would say is behind closed doors, away from everyone, JA be honest with yourself. You've been honest with us and I do appreciate that. But all I'm going to say is be honest with yourself fully and no holds barred. Journal the experience. Talk it out with friends or family you trust if you have anyone like that in your life. Post about here, whatever helps you heal.

 

But none of it will mean anything if you are not honest with yourself. And understand that honesty will likely come in layers since the further one distances themselves from a bad situation, the clearer things will become.

[JA0371]

Thank you all.

 

I posted this thread because I did want honest feedback. Even if it was harsh.

 

For the record, I DO feel remorse. Not sure how anyone can come to the conclusion that I don't. His wife doesn't know, but I am remorseful of the fact she eventually might know and I don't want to be any cause for her...because I didn't say it in the first paragraph doesn't mean I don't have a conscience,

[EternalOptimis]

Thank you for saying that. And for posting here in the first place.

 

I second what ParisPaulette said. My journal is sporadic but brutally honest and I would never share it. Even after just six weeks I can go back and see how much I've recovered and how much more perspective I already have

 

I hope you find your happy place.

[Batya33]

Thank you all.

 

I posted this thread because I did want honest feedback. Even if it was harsh.

 

For the record, I DO feel remorse. Not sure how anyone can come to the conclusion that I don't. His wife doesn't know, but I am remorseful of the fact she eventually might know and I don't want to be any cause for her...because I didn't say it in the first paragraph doesn't mean I don't have a conscience,

 

This is what you wrote after the first post: "If she gets hurt it's because of what her husband did. I am not married to her." So I am glad to see that you've come to a different conclusion about your role. You might be right that she doesn't know but that would involve you believing what this person told you and he is a person who doesn't seem to value honesty or integrity or his commitments. Of course it's positive that you didn't tell her - that's just human and common sense on your part. I never assumed you didn't have a conscience just that you didn't care in this situation about hurting his wife.

 

And the "it just happened" which wasn't really consistent with remorse. That's where the conclusion came from initially (the conclusion that you weren't taking responsibility in this situation, not that you don't have a conscience -never assumed that, that wouldn't make sense), and now and I'm glad to see that you recognize your role in causing harm and that you feel badly about your choice. The productive thing about remorse is if it helps you make a different choice next time you're faced with this kind of situation so that the "it just happened" won't be an option.

 

I'm glad you're moving on and learning and growing -and for that I ask you to read and reread what ParisPaulette wrote above.

[LaHermes]

JA0.

 

Only saw your OP yesterday.

 

Not looking for any advice . I know I won't get much empathy....trust me I understand. No one is harder on me than I am to myself. I guess I just wanted to be honest.. Because living this lie has truly been hard.

Im just human.

 

To err is human and it was indeed brave of you to post your experience here.

 

I have no criticism of you, because I am not perfect, no one is perfect.

 

To conclude:

 

"S/he that is without sin cast the first stone".

[Batya33]

JA0.

 

Only saw your OP yesterday.

 

Not looking for any advice . I know I won't get much empathy....trust me I understand. No one is harder on me than I am to myself. I guess I just wanted to be honest.. Because living this lie has truly been hard.

Im just human.

 

To err is human and it was indeed brave of you to post your experience here.

 

I have no criticism of you, because I am not perfect, no one is perfect.

 

To conclude:

 

"S/he that is without sin cast the first stone".

 

I am so grateful that the people in my life who criticized me for choices I made (when I asked for feedback as the OP did -she said she wanted honest feedback) - did not avoid it because "no one is perfect" and no one can criticize another's choices because of that. Certainly that should be taken into account as far as what is being criticized and how the choices are criticized but when a person who knows she made a mistake asks for feedback I don't think it's helpful to the OP to avoid it entirely based on the truism of "no one is perfect" . She went from writing "it just happened" and that she couldn't have hurt the wife because she is not the husband to now saying she does feel remorse and hopes she hasn't caused hurt to the wife. And I think the honest feedback she sought and received helped her on that path.

 

Certainly if she didn't ask for any feedback at all I would have stayed as silent as possible and to Hell on Heels point yes there's a point to staying silent even if it's asked for because for awhile there she obviously didn't want to hear it and it didn't help. But then, it did as far as I can tell. Progress.

[LaHermes]

No debate.

Convoluted stuff does not appeal to me.

[Batya33]

No debate.

Convoluted stuff does not appeal to me.

 

Same here- haven't seen anything convoluted in this thread - all the feedback I've seen has been concrete and specific. But glad to see the progress on the OP's part.

[Hell_On_Heels]

Just throwing two more cents into the mix.

 

I think it's very important that we're honest with each other. If we're not, then the advice offered is useless. I believe we can be honest without being cruel. The truth is often harsh enough, even when offered with kindness.

 

To be very specific, comments like these seem cruel to me -

 

"I will never understand why women like you have zero morals."

"Owning up means nothing. It should never have started."

 

There are tons of great responses in this thread, comments that state the truth without stoning the OP. I agree with LaHermes that I/we humans are in no position to judge anyone harshly, and I agree with Batya that it's possible the truthful comments helped the OP come to terms with her choices.

 

And I think my proverbial horse is now dead, so I'll quit beating it.

[LaHermes]

Agreed HOH.

 

However, OP said in her first post.

 

Not looking for any advice . I know I won't get much empathy....trust me I understand. No one is harder on me than I am to myself. I guess I just wanted to be honest."

 

Of course we should be honest with each other. Judgmental is another matter entirely.

 

I am betting good money that if the OP had come on to tell she had murdered her MIL (or whoever), or robbed a bank or had taken up horse-thieving for a living, the "feedback" would have been rather different.

[Doc Blaze]

Agreed HOH.

 

However, OP said in her first post.

 

Not looking for any advice . I know I won't get much empathy....trust me I understand. No one is harder on me than I am to myself. I guess I just wanted to be honest."

 

Of course we should be honest with each other. Judgmental is another matter entirely.

 

I am betting good money that if the OP had come on to tell she had murdered her MIL (or whoever), or robbed a bank or had taken up horse-thieving for a living, the "feedback" would have been rather different.

 

 

maybe there was a reason she didn't tell the full truth of the relationship on the forum since day one? hmmmm

[lostandhurt]

JA,

 

I read this whole thread the other day and felt a sadness come over me. I wasn't sad for you and I was certainly not sad for him and surprisingly I wasn't even sad for his wife. I was sad because it has become so easy for people to de-value themselves, their vows and promises and other peoples feelings and lives.

 

I started to reply when I first read this thread but deleted it and closed the browser. I had a little bit of a drive ahead of me and the sadness carried with me for about an hour. After being on this forum for as long as I have and experienced the things that brought me here you would think I wouldn't be surprised or affected like I was but that wasn't the case.

 

The healing you seek requires brutal honesty and acceptance. Unfortunately cheating is full of lies and dishonesty and it takes some time to recover from the lifestyle of living a lie. In time I believe you will see the real truth from this past year and then your healing will truly begin.

 

I know you believe this married man was honest with you but he wasn't. The one thing liars are good at is not telling a good lie but making you believe that they are honest. Once you believe they are honest almost everything is believable because you WANT to believe them. I have seen it so many times and scratched my head wondering how on earth could people believe what they were being told until I figured out the secret liars and cheaters use to their advantage.

 

The love you speak of wasn't real and certainly wasn't an excuse or reason to continue sneaking around having sex with a married man. True love is a gift of your heart to someone else but you must also receive the gift of their heart in return. You were free to give your heart but he was not. He had long ago promised his heart to another, raised a family and made a life with her and continued all that when you were not with him. Simply put he could not give you what was not his to give. It is like someone selling you a car they do not own. You may get to drive the car for a while and you may even fall in love with the car and feel like it is yours but the title and registration in the glove box is the reality that it wasn't his to sell. The fantasy was a nice escape, the car was cool and powerful and you felt like something special while you were driving it but it wasn't real. In the end he chose economics over you. We see it here all the time where some guy is cheating on his wife and when push comes to shove he doesn't want to loose half his stuff in a divorce so he can be with his true love. It may be a harsh reality but that is what usually comes at the end of cheating.

 

I assume you knew he was married from the start and you chose to continue and knew full well what you were doing. Something attracted you to your choice and you were getting something out of it other than sex with a married man. Was it his celebrity? Power? Wealth? Possibly an imagined life in his wife's shoes living in luxury and security? These are all rhetorical questions and the answers only matter to your healing. You are a smart attractive woman and there are no shortage of men that would want to be in a relationship with you so why a married man?

 

Of course what you and he did was wrong and no amount of justifications or excuses will change that. Will this past year define who you are? Only if you continue to defend both your bad choices with words like love, fate, feelings I have never felt before and on and on.

 

I am considered a very honest man and I have learned that the hardest kind of honesty is with ones self. Many find it so much easier to lie to ourselves than to another but it all to often leads us down a path of lies to everyone in our lives.

 

I wish you well JA and hope you have cut all contact with him and block him at every turn so you can learn and grow from all this. He will move on to a new girlfriend before long so that should reduce his temptation to stay in contact with you which in turn will make it easier on you.

 

Lost

[browneyedgirl36]

JA,

 

I read this whole thread the other day and felt a sadness come over me. I wasn't sad for you and I was certainly not sad for him and surprisingly I wasn't even sad for his wife. I was sad because it has become so easy for people to de-value themselves, their vows and promises and other peoples feelings and lives.

 

I started to reply when I first read this thread but deleted it and closed the browser. I had a little bit of a drive ahead of me and the sadness carried with me for about an hour. After being on this forum for as long as I have and experienced the things that brought me here you would think I wouldn't be surprised or affected like I was but that wasn't the case.

 

The healing you seek requires brutal honesty and acceptance. Unfortunately cheating is full of lies and dishonesty and it takes some time to recover from the lifestyle of living a lie. In time I believe you will see the real truth from this past year and then your healing will truly begin.

 

I know you believe this married man was honest with you but he wasn't. The one thing liars are good at is not telling a good lie but making you believe that they are honest. Once you believe they are honest almost everything is believable because you WANT to believe them. I have seen it so many times and scratched my head wondering how on earth could people believe what they were being told until I figured out the secret liars and cheaters use to their advantage.

 

The love you speak of wasn't real and certainly wasn't an excuse or reason to continue sneaking around having sex with a married man. True love is a gift of your heart to someone else but you must also receive the gift of their heart in return. You were free to give your heart but he was not. He had long ago promised his heart to another, raised a family and made a life with her and continued all that when you were not with him. Simply put he could not give you what was not his to give. It is like someone selling you a car they do not own. You may get to drive the car for a while and you may even fall in love with the car and feel like it is yours but the title and registration in the glove box is the reality that it wasn't his to sell. The fantasy was a nice escape, the car was cool and powerful and you felt like something special while you were driving it but it wasn't real. In the end he chose economics over you. We see it here all the time where some guy is cheating on his wife and when push comes to shove he doesn't want to loose half his stuff in a divorce so he can be with his true love. It may be a harsh reality but that is what usually comes at the end of cheating.

 

I assume you knew he was married from the start and you chose to continue and knew full well what you were doing. Something attracted you to your choice and you were getting something out of it other than sex with a married man. Was it his celebrity? Power? Wealth? Possibly an imagined life in his wife's shoes living in luxury and security? These are all rhetorical questions and the answers only matter to your healing. You are a smart attractive woman and there are no shortage of men that would want to be in a relationship with you so why a married man?

 

Of course what you and he did was wrong and no amount of justifications or excuses will change that. Will this past year define who you are? Only if you continue to defend both your bad choices with words like love, fate, feelings I have never felt before and on and on.

 

I am considered a very honest man and I have learned that the hardest kind of honesty is with ones self. Many find it so much easier to lie to ourselves than to another but it all to often leads us down a path of lies to everyone in our lives.

 

I wish you well JA and hope you have cut all contact with him and block him at every turn so you can learn and grow from all this. He will move on to a new girlfriend before long so that should reduce his temptation to stay in contact with you which in turn will make it easier on you.

 

Lost

 

This whole post is brilliant -- and constructive, to boot. So many nuggets of truth here, but the ones that stand out to me the most are these:

The healing you seek requires brutal honesty and acceptance. Unfortunately cheating is full of lies and dishonesty and it takes some time to recover from the lifestyle of living a lie. In time I believe you will see the real truth from this past year and then your healing will truly begin.

You are a smart attractive woman and there are no shortage of men that would want to be in a relationship with you so why a married man?

 

And especially, this:

 

I have learned that the hardest kind of honesty is with ones self.

 

While I've never dated a married man, I did date a VERY *unavailable* man -- one who told all sorts of lies to me, to others, AND to himself -- and all of this really resonates. When everything was over, it took me FAR longer to forgive myself -- for the position I put myself in -- than it did to forgive him, and I think that was the byproduct of me being brutally honest with myself about how profoundly wrong I had been in choosing to stick with this guy when all indications, from very early on, told me to run like the wind in the other direction.

 

There's a ton of great advice on this thread, and a few bits of destructive -- as opposed to constructive -- commentary. Truth be told, we have ALL screwed up in some way. Yeah, perhaps I've never had an affair with a married man, but I've no doubt I've screwed up massively in other ways. My screw-ups, for the most part, have only hurt myself, but they were screw-ups nevertheless, and there were consequences and damage. Admitting that we're all human, and hence we all mess up sometimes, does not absolve us of what we've done or whatever damage we've caused, but it does perhaps do one really important thing: It reminds us that none of us is above scrutiny. None of us is infallible.

 

Again, I'm NOT condoning infidelity -- my best friend carried on an affair with a married man for years, and I admit, I was extremely mad at her for a long time about it, for what she was doing to herself, for what they were doing to his wife and son, and because she bought into a ton of lies -- ones he told her, and ones that she told herself about the situation. I told her that I thought that what she was doing was wrong, but that I loved her and that I would be her friend no matter what. I gave suggestions, but I didn't tell her she was a terrible person. I hoped that, one day, she'd figure it all out for herself and end it. Finally, HE ended it, but him ending it was better than it not ending at all. Regardless, while I didn't agree with what she was doing, I knew she had a lot of issues that led her to doing it, so I tried to be as compassionate as possible while still not condoning her behavior.

 

As I tell my students all the time, I think the world would be a much better, much less contentious place if we could all just be mindful of the fact that everyone else is a human being, just like we are.

[reinventmyself]

profound responses, LH and BEG.

[LaHermes]

Yes!

 

"while I didn't agree with what she was doing, I knew she had a lot of issues that led her to doing it, so I tried to be as compassionate as possible while still not condoning her behavior.

 

As I tell my students all the time, I think the world would be a much better, much less contentious place if we could all just be mindful of the fact that everyone else is a human being, just like we are.

[reinventmyself]

everyone can view it differently.

 

If her purpose for writing the post is to heal . . Then my personal take on it is, healing begins when you hold yourself accountable for your actions.

There is not much to be learned by deflecting part of the blame.

 

I can be compassionate, but only as compassionate as someone who is willing to take responsibility for their part.

 

This is just very early in the process for her. .

[browneyedgirl36]

everyone can view it differently.

 

If her purpose for writing the post is to heal . . Then my personal take on it is, healing begins when you hold yourself accountable for your actions.

There is not much to be learned by deflecting part of the blame.

 

I can be compassionate, but only as compassionate as someone who is willing to take responsibility for their part.

 

This is just very early in the process for her. .

 

I definitely see your point. With my friend, I admit, part of why I was so angry with her was that she was, in fact, not taking her part of the responsibility. She believed everything the guy said, no matter how cliche ("My wife doesn't understand me," "my wife treats me badly," "I haven't had sex with my wife in ages," "I'm only with her because of our child," etc.) and that they had some profound, once-in-a-lifetime connection. Nope! And, her attitude toward the wife -- colored by her own wants as well as what the guy told her -- was disturbing to me: "I don't owe her anything. I don't even know her, and I don't want to. I'm not the one married to her," etc. Believe me, I told her what I thought -- that her behavior was wrong; that the guy was lying through his teeth; that the foundation of infidelity is dishonesty; that he was never going to leave his wife for her, despite his protestations of overwhelming feelings for my friend. I stopped short, though, of calling her a horrible person, because I don't believe she was/is. I've known her for decades, and she's otherwise a person of great integrity, in my estimation, except for this one thing. I realize it's a big "except," but...I can't dismiss her as an awful person when everything else I know about her indicates otherwise. I can only conclude -- and I have -- that there are things she struggles with that led her to these decisions (and, knowing her as long as I have, I think I know what a lot of those are -- going way back to her childhood and her father).

 

My ex was a cheater, too, I'm reasonably certain (I think, in hindsight, he may have been seeing his previous ex AND me at the same time at some points, and there may have even been another person or two in the mix, for all I know); I still don't think he's a horrible person, BUT....I think he's a person with serious issues that, I hope, he's addressed since then. If anyone needed some serious soul-searching, it was him. As awful as he was to me from time to time -- and he's never acknowledged ANY wrongdoing or expressed any remorse to me whatsoever -- I admit I do have compassion for him. He is the way he is for reasons that I can't comprehend, though there were hints of the origins from time to time; I think there's a lot of pain, a lot of anger, a lot of abandonment and other issues at the core of his behavior. If anything, I feel sorry for him and hope he's gotten it all together.

 

My point: It's difficult, from the outside, to understand what people's motivations are, and when they do something that violates our own moral code, it's hard to have compassion. I've experienced this a number of times in my life with friends, family, romantic prospects who have done things that I found to be fundamentally "wrong." As I've gotten older, though, I realize that there are things at the root of those actions that I may not know about -- that the person doing those things is likely doing them because of things within him or her that haven't been addressed and are unresolved. Each of us is the sum-total of all of our experiences and circumstances, many of which are out of our control (i.e. having a father who was physically and verbally abusive and then abandoned his family for his young, pregnant girlfriend and started a whole new family, as was the case with my friend's childhood).

[ThatwasThen]

I have no doubt that he loved me. Some might disagree...but I know he did.

Yea, I'm one of those that disagree. You spent only cladastine meetings where sex with you was the main theme likely peppered with small talk and fantasy musing about what would happen only if.

 

You had no day to day things getting in the way of your lust, you had zero responsibility of living past your lust and infatuation. What you had with him was not love. It was a vacation from life and it was lust, certainly not love. Please don't fool yourself or you will find it harder to rehab from your addiction to him.

[LaHermes]

For the record, Limiya's post again.

 

"That was a lovely written post, and very articulate and in touch with how you feel.

Sometimes you can't tell your heart who to fall in love with. It just does.

It just makes it harder down the road to end it.

 

You did the right thing. You're gonna feel the same as most people will when going through any breakup.

You recognized this for what it was. You being another woman, and you will never get more than that. As lovely as these men might be (on the surface), you can't get what you want or need.

And it could have gone even worse, with the wife and you both being hurt in the long term. But I'm sure you're aware of that.

Just think of it as an experience, one that inevitably had to end. You're left with good and bad memories, like with any relationship. You'll soon get over the initial pain and heartache, and eventually you'll meet someone who is available.

 

It's easy to condemn you. However, if it was as easy as 'He's married. Not interested' then there would be no such thing as other women at all. Emotions make it complicated.

 

I wish you all the best.

Limiya

 

To which I shall add one of the OP's earlier responses:

 

"I expect some backlash for posting this. It's fine. You don't know me personally so it's easy for you to point your finger and look down on me. Again...that's fine. Im sure somewhere in your life you've done something you're not proud of. I sure hope no one berated you for your choices. Especially if you owned up to it."

[boltnrun]

I'm very grateful to one of my friends who, instead of saying "there, there" and coddling me, told me that I needed to poop or get off the pot. I was living dishonestly (staying in a marriage when I didn't want to be with my husband anymore) and my friend told me very frankly that I either file for divorce or stop whining to her about my husband because she was sick and tired of listening to me complain yet not do a thing about changing the situation.

 

That is a true friend. And I've modeled my behavior after hers ever since. And from that day I started living honestly, by telling my husband that I was unhappy, had been for years, and that I was planning to divorce him. And it was the absolutely right thing to do.

 

And I don't think my friend was "harsh" or "judgmental". She was right. And she refused to lie to me to make me feel better.

 

I haven't berated my good friend for her affair. I've simply told her that I thought he was not being honest with her and that I think she's a beautiful woman who doesn't have to settle for someone else's cheating husband. I can't say she's an awful person because she isn't, but she's been looking for love for years and never was able to find it, so she's vulnerable to the lies of a cheating married man. And I understand that she just very badly wants to be loved. I also understand she's in for a world of hurt, not to mention how she's going to feel about how she's behaving after it all comes crashing down. I stated my opinions about HIM and let her figure out the rest. If she ever asks for my opinion I will say more because I don't believe a true friend lies to their friends. I'd be taking the chance she ends the friendship but I will NOT lie to a friend.

 

It's none of my business whether or not JA feels remorse or regret. Since she requested feedback I gave an honest opinion but the rest is up to her.