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EternalOptimis last won the day on November 29 2017

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About EternalOptimis

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  1. You can also look forward to words like "you're being controlling", or even "manipulative" regarding his "innocent friendship" This ends only one way sadly. Cheaters don't respect their SO enough to know (or care) how much they're hurting them
  2. Beginner skydivers are always told, as they reach altitude and begin the short waltz to the open door, never to grab the pole that runs above the hatch. That's because your head says jump but your hand won't let go.. People's head always knows when it's time to jump from a rotten relationship, but their heart won't let them
  3. The strength & weakness of a site like this is that you get advice from everyone. Some who apparently have little experience in relationships. Do NOT snoop. It could be he's looking at porn, or gun clubs, or anything he thinks you may disapprove of, though it does sound like it may be more simply because of your own attitude towards it. DO communicate. Not because he's definitely doing something wrong or because he'd definitely admit it, but because you can glean something from his reaction and subsequent behaviour. Do NOT ignore it if it continues. Best of luck
  4. Hard choices, easy life. Easy choices, hard life. ― Jerzy Gregorek
  5. I have this friend. He has been married with two, now grown-up, kids for the past 25yrs. He claims the only times he and his wife had sex were when they conceived the kids. He has had numerous affairs and is a regular "user" of casual sex. His wife is aware of his behaviour and simply advises him to use a condom. I long ago gave up telling him to get a divorce. He just says she doesn't want one. What has that got to do with anything? Do the right thing. You know what it is.
  6. EternalOptimis


    Well done you! And best of luck for the future.
  7. Unfortunately I cannot credit these as they were collected over time, but thank you. These helped me a lot back when.. - Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. - When there is no comprehension of cause and effect, there is no motive for real change. - If you change nothing, nothing changes. - When someone shows you who they are, believe them. - The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind. - Never ask a liar for the truth, it's the last thing
  8. Never a truer word said. Alcohol was the symptom not the cause. There is a very big difference between Love and Attachment. What you describe defines the latter. Don't make any major decisions till you've been sober a few weeks and determined you *want* only your bf (rather than being prepared to tolerate the monogamy in order to maintain all the other stuff)
  9. That's a gift only you can give yourself
  10. You haven't showered yourself in glory, have you? Either of you. Flirting isn't OK in my book. But it doesn't matter what I think. I does matter what you think. And what she thinks. If you were clear with her at the outset about your boundaries, you have a decision to make. That said, your have not handled this well. It was two months ago and it's time to either have the conversation above about boundaries and then let it go or you end it now. Stop tormenting her and yourself
  11. Step 1, I'd see a therapist alone. Work through your thoughts & feelings. Next, if you want to save your marriage (and it sounds like you do), speak to your husband when you have his undivided attention. Explain where you are at, and explain that you think counselling is the only way you see of improving matters. Give him a few days to process and speak to him again. If he agrees, great. You are on your way. If he does not, your life will only get worse, your indiscretions bigger and with them, your guilt.
  12. Once a cheater, always a cheater. We have seen all too often, a partner forgiven for infidelity then assumes the bar is lower and that they will be forgiven again / will be able to explain it away again. That is not to say that trust cannot be rebuilt, but it is very hard. And the cheater has to take the lead role in marriage counselling. Many of us here "started over" in our 40s and even 50s. Don't let fear prevent you from confronting and dealing with the situation. You are young. Don't become defined by this abusive toxic relationship. Use your support network (friends & family
  13. I'm very sorry that you are going through this. It's like a slow death. Unfortunately, I'm with SherryShe & Hollyj. This is a very solid relationship she has going with him, and not friendship. Her denials / accusing you of being controlling are textbook cheater behaviour. Counsellors in my experience are trained to find middle ground even if that means helping one partner cope with the other's affairs. That's all they know to do, I'm not sure changing counsellors will help you. I'd find a psychotherapist just for you to help you get your head clear. You need to be strong. Define your b
  14. I'm sorry this has happened to you. As others have said, he's a deceptive cheater and whatever internal issues he has, he chose himself over you and the family. Technically, you had his best years too. Seriously, never look at it that way or you will grow bitter and resentful. See a therapist, just for you. To help you understand you couldn't have seen it coming. Unless he's a complete sociopath, I don't think he can simply forget his 4 kids and the happy times he had with all of you. This will be very hard on him too (and rightly so). Therapy will help. Distance from him will h
  15. NC stands for No Contact! It's the best therapy that there is, even if you do not see it now. Oh, and email a brief note politely asking when YOU can go collect your things. "In a few weeks" is rather rude
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