Speaking Before Meeting

[yogacat]

So I have another question (and this isn't specifically about meeting people online, although, it can be part of the conversation at times), but do any of you prefer to speak to someone a bit before deciding to meet them? Or do you prefer to meet up right away?

I personally prefer a bit of conversation before meeting up. It gives me a chance to get to know the person a bit and see if we have common interests and can hold a conversation. Plus, I think it's always good to establish a level of comfort and trust before meeting in person.

But then, others comment that they prefer to meet up right away because you can't really tell if there's a spark or chemistry through just talking online or that the person that prefers to speak first may end up in the talking stage for weeks or months at a time, and it's better to just meet up and see if there's a connection in person.

For the record, I don't agree that there should be a rule necessarily on this – it's whatever works for the individuals involved, in my humble opinion – but I do appreciate our community gathering as a sounding board on topics that are on many of our minds, especially in light of our current situation. I just try to ask juicy questions when I'm so inspired ... that is, when I think I really want to ask.

[Kwothe28]

Given that a lot of todays dating is online, I would not only recommend speaking but also doing a video call and seeing the other person. Lots of times it happens that people get “bamboozled” by an old or just filtered pics. So its better to not only confirm you are not talking to a scammer but also physically seeing them. 
 

I didnt had those issues. Though I always at least do a social media add so you can at least see with who you are talking to. But know a lot of people who did had those issues. Lost has an extensive thread about his experiences. And a lot of people there also said the same.

[Coily]

I'm usually more often in the conversation camp, now that can be on the phone, email, or text for all I care. I prefer this as it allows me to ask a few probing questions that I might not ask on a first date.  Though I will also say I don't care for long winded conversations, unending texts and such; but there has to be a natural flow to the communications.

Furthermore, I will base the potential in a relationship in the parity of initiating conversations. So if I have to prompt every conversation, I'm usually starting for the door; also the same with her starting every conversation.

Now that said, there are always exceptions. One very nice lady, we texted non stop for about an hour, she asked to meet up and that was the first date. It didn't work out romantically; but we spent a while as friends going to events we both enjoyed.

When I was much younger, I was in contact with a broad for about a month, we finally met up. Just no chemistry. She was eager to pursue me, but the inability to have good conversations in person killed it for me, that and she just had no chemistry for me..

 

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, Coily said:

I was in contact with a broad

😆

[Starlight925]

Long ago and far away, when OLD was new, then yes, speaking before meeting was a must for me.

I've long learned that in-person chemistry can not be felt through the phone.

For me, a quick meet at an outdoor cafe is perfect.

 

[yogacat]

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

😆

Broad? Who calls people broads these days. That was cute. 🥰

[Coily]

4 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Broad? Who calls people broads these days. That was cute. 🥰

You know one who does. LOL

[catfeeder]

55 minutes ago, Coily said:

...I prefer this as it allows me to ask a few probing questions that I might not ask on a first date. 

Hmmm. This makes me curious. What kinds of questions would you feel more comfortable asking over the phone rather in person on a date? 

Quote

...I was in contact with a broad for about a month...

Oh, well, sure. Had she been a dame, she might have had a chance... 🙂

[Batya33]

For safety and screening purposes I always had a phone call of about 20 minutes or so prior  to meeting.  I decided not to meet a number of men because of what occurred -or didn't occur - on the phone call.  I met over 100 men in person over a 5 year period. I exchanged one or  two messages on the site and one phone call.  With rare exception - I didn't believe in lots of typing or talking before meeting.

[bluecastle]

When I used online dating platforms I tended to have a very brief text exchange—enough to gauge a bit of wit and some semblance of humanity behind the profile—and then I'd say something like, "Hey—this is fun. How's about we continue this conversation in 3D? Coffee or a drink this week?"

I don't think there's really any right or wrong way to go about all this, but personally I'm in the camp that most time spent trying to "get to know" another human being over screens, phone calls, etc., is far closer in actuality to staring in the mirror than anything else, so I avoided all that. 

All in all, I tried to treat the platforms in the exact same way I did when it came to meeting people in real life. You go to a dinner party, there's an intriguing stranger you'd never met, you exchange a bit of small talk, ask for a number, make a plan. 

 

 

[catfeeder]

I've had instances where I could tell over the phone that I didn't want to meet the guy. One that stands out was when he was thrilled to pronounce that he couldn't wait to introduce me to his mother. He launched into all kinds of future talk about the foods we could eat and the trips we could all take together. I was too shocked to shut him down over the phone, but I messaged him afterward and said that I don't think we're a romantic match. He flipped. He called me right away and took a toddler temper tantrum complete with calling me names...

So there's something to be said for at least a quick phone screening. You never know what kind of looney-tune might show up for coffee, and it's best to spare myself from such encounters.

[Coily]

11 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Hmmm. This makes me curious. What kinds of questions would you feel more comfortable asking over the phone rather in person on a date? 

Oh, well, sure. Had she been a dame, she might have has a chance... 🙂

Usually I'll ask more questions about interest in marriage/kids/relocation. Things that I think put a bit too much intensity when in person on a first or second date.  Something to see if we're even at the same sporting event, let alone the same page. When it's still a bit impersonal on the phone or by text, I can make sure we're not wasting each other's time.  In person i prefer to see how well we can verbally spar and banter.

If she was a lady  I would have been all in! 😁

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I've had instances where I could tell over the phone that I didn't want to meet the guy. One that stands out was when he was thrilled to pronounce that he couldn't wait to introduce me to his mother. He launched into all kinds of future talk about the foods we could eat and the trips we could all take together. I was too shocked to shut him down over the phone, but I messaged him afterward and said that I don't think we're a romantic match. He flipped. He called me right away and took a toddler temper tantrum complete with calling me names...

So there's something to be said for at least a quick phone screening. You never know what kind of looney-tune might show up for coffee, and it's best to spare myself from such encounters.

Or the guy who talked to his gerbils while on the phone with me (later on my friend was fine with it, met him and married him!)

[boltnrun]

I'm curious, how did you go about telling the man during the phone call that you didn't want to meet him?

[Coily]

22 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

For safety and screening purposes I always had a phone call of about 20 minutes or so prior  to meeting.  I decided not to meet a number of men because of what occurred -or didn't occur - on the phone call.  I met over 100 men in person over a 5 year period. I exchanged one or  two messages on the site and one phone call.  With rare exception - I didn't believe in lots of typing or talking before meeting.

The reminds me of a really creepy conversation I had with one broad. She was insultingly probing about me, when I asked why she wanted so many details (more invasive questions that I ever got asked for high security background checks) she insultingly said "for safety. DUH!!!"

Don't get me wrong, I'm all in for safety; even to the point I suggest women tell their friends where we're going (I do it too after my stalker incident). But there are some questions that just are uncomfortable with out a face to face conversation.

Then again that broad asked in a patronizing tone "are you nuero-divergent." So I hung up on her, and she tried calling back 5 times! I can say that really bothered me, luckily she didn't know where I lived, but I was looking over my shoulder out and about in my city.

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, Coily said:

The reminds me of a really creepy conversation I had with one broad. She was insultingly probing about me, when I asked why she wanted so many details (more invasive questions that I ever got asked for high security background checks) she insultingly said "for safety. DUH!!!"

Don't get me wrong, I'm all in for safety; even to the point I suggest women tell their friends where we're going (I do it too after my stalker incident). But there are some questions that just are uncomfortable with out a face to face conversation.

Then again that broad asked in a patronizing tone "are you nuero-divergent." So I hung up on her, and she tried calling back 5 times! I can say that really bothered me, luckily she didn't know where I lived, but I was looking over my shoulder out and about in my city.

I didn't ask intrusive questions -I learned all I needed to know from careful listening and casual open ended questions and comments.  I discovered a white collar crime past, that he was still married, that he'd lied about his age, was uber focused on sex, lied about his educational accomplishments, where he lived etc - it's great what you  can learn when people are talking and can't sort of edit like in typing.  Those examples were all different men.

[Batya33]

17 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm curious, how did you go about telling the man during the phone call that you didn't want to meet him?

Either I said I had to go and we didn't speak again (like if he didn't want to meet me) or I'd follow up with a message "I enjoyed our conversation and I don't think it makes sense for us to meet" or "I don't think we have enough in common for us to meet."  If they'd lied I rarely commented on that -in one case I did when he called me again.  He didn't realize he told me how old his ex wife was while he was bragging about her pedigree. (he told me their age difference, I googled her, figured it out). Obviously if they'd lied we didn't have enough in common ! 

If he asked to meet I simply deflected and said I'll let you know.

I canceled once because he contacted me and he didn't specify marriage in the profile.  He wanted to take me to dinner.  He said he'd meant to put marriage in his profile.  OKKKK.  So he did -he edited it. But before our scheduled meet he removed it again.  I canceled.  He told me it was a mistake. I didn't think so.  So we didn't meet.

[catfeeder]

25 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm curious, how did you go about telling the man during the phone call that you didn't want to meet him?

Batya is better at this than me. I chickened out while still on the phone. I'd already agreed to meet him before he broke out into cray-cray, so I closed the convo as though everything was fine. Then I messaged him through the app. I didn't expect him to call me back! I froze, and I don't think I answered. I think he went off on my voicemail. I was pretty shook up and was glad that I never told him where I live.

[Starlight925]

I've done OLD since before Jurassic era.

Today, it's swipe, exchange a couple of messages, meet.

I like today much better actually.  

Add to Cart, receive product in an hour, return and receive refund before you're even home lol.

[catfeeder]

43 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Or the guy who talked to his gerbils while on the phone with me (later on my friend was fine with it, met him and married him!)

Oh, c'mOn! I love people who speak with their pets. Maybe a goldfish would weird me out...

[mylolita]

Evening @yogacat!

 

This is why I really have a thing for meeting people in real life in a natural way because you get that first impression and first feel automatically without having to arrange and manufacture it! 
 

I understand this isn’t always possible, times have changed, but I feel like meeting someone online adds a few other hoops and potential complications that weren’t there a couple of decades ago.

 

If I were on an app now, I’d probably want a phone call just to arrange the date; but I’d secretly be “checking them out” in that ten minutes and getting a good feel for their “vibe!” and like others have said, if it was really off, I wouldn’t end up meeting either! 
 

x

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Coily said:

The reminds me of a really creepy conversation I had with one broad. She was insultingly probing about me, when I asked why she wanted so many details (more invasive questions that I ever got asked for high security background checks) she insultingly said "for safety. DUH!!!"

 

Reminds me on one of my first meets when she hit me with "How did your last relationship ended?" We didnt ever talked about past relationships and I avoid even asking until few dates pass, so still dunno if its a trick question for her to gauge my past relationships or something. We knew for like 5 minutes and it was really light hearted until then lol

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

Oh, c'mOn! I love people who speak with their pets. Maybe a goldfish would weird me out...

But he interrupted me and obviously wasn’t listening to me. I had the same issue when some men called me while ordering food etc. I get easily annoyed when people do that especially an important conversation 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

Evening @yogacat!

 

This is why I really have a thing for meeting people in real life in a natural way because you get that first impression and first feel automatically without having to arrange and manufacture it! 
 

I understand this isn’t always possible, times have changed, but I feel like meeting someone online adds a few other hoops and potential complications that weren’t there a couple of decades ago.

 

If I were on an app now, I’d probably want a phone call just to arrange the date; but I’d secretly be “checking them out” in that ten minutes and getting a good feel for their “vibe!” and like others have said, if it was really off, I wouldn’t end up meeting either! 
 

x

I personally never had to manufacture anything. Sometimes I felt meeting people at a bar or club was manufactured especially if the person was drunk. But I started going on blind dates as a teenager so to me it was common to meet strangers for dates. 

[mylolita]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I personally never had to manufacture anything. Sometimes I felt meeting people at a bar or club was manufactured especially if the person was drunk. But I started going on blind dates as a teenager so to me it was common to meet strangers for dates. 

Surely everyone is a stranger until you get to know them?

 

And by manufacture I meant, you have to organise yourselves to meet, or arrange it, where as, if you just bump into someone at the library for example or meet someone at work, that’s happened spontaneously whether you were looking to meet someone or not! 
 

But I’d probably want a brief phone convo too if I was arranging a date that way as well, to try get a feel and also for the logistics of it on a practical level! 
 

x