Speaking Before Meeting

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I tried to date a good person for about 2 months who had a very effeminate voice.

Just curious but why, if you didn't care for his voice, did you continue dating him for two months? 

I do agree with you by the way, about voice.  Tone etc. 

It's not an issue obviously if we first met in real, but with men online, I hear their voice, live and in person, on the first meet. 

If it's a turn off, I don't see them again.  Easy easy. 

Phone calls with a complete stranger in that type of situation (online) can be awkward and uncomfortable sometimes and as such doesn't reflect the true essence of their voice, tone etc.

Best to gauge that in person imo. 

A quick meet and if there's "something there" we extend it.  I never considered that a waste of time, no more than a phone call is a waste of time.

Different strokes..  

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, mylolita said:

I think if you get a great connection with someone, the hows and whys and the ways in which you communicate probably don’t matter that much.

^^You speakin my language! 

Wholeheartedly agree!!  Whatever is most comfortable with that person in that particular situation. 

[yogacat]

5 hours ago, mylolita said:

LOLZ! 
 

Yoga, The Human League pretty much sums it up… 🤣 🍸 

 

Still love a cocktail TO THIS DAY! 
 

I honestly think if you work in very social orientated jobs, you up your chances of meeting romantic partners. If you get to talk to a lot of the public as well, that’s also upping your chances of meeting new people day after day, week after week. It’s like getting paid to speed date!
 

Good luck by the way Yoga! You seem to just be at a crossroads deciding what you want but unsure at the moment. A limbo period of time, and that’s fine and actually good because we all have them and need them, in my opinion. Like some kind of life reassessment! 
 

Taking that time pays dividend. 
 

A joiner who worked at our house for a few years used to have a catch phase and it was, “A half hour thinking saves a weeks work.” 
 

x

I love this. Thank you!🌻

The phone number vs email is interesting to me (not directing this at you, just replying after reading some of the other comments).

Only because exchanging phone numbers has not been an issue for me (not suggesting that it's been an issue for others in the past). My recent ex-partner and I met at a park and he gave me his phone number.

I've given out my number in the past when I felt that the person was sincere and I wanted to see them again. Other times I've declined. But I haven't made it a personal rule to not give out my number initially after an in-person meeting.

I guess online and I suppose certain industries I definitely see the need to wait - one man, albeit I didn't meet him 'online' I was acquainted with already and he found my social media and was quite bold and insistent that we not 'waste any time' and I found it a bit rushed so in that case I didn't exchange telephone numbers until a bit more rapport had been established. Interesting to note that he was quite a gentle and charming guy and not at all seeming like my first initial preconception. 

I really appreciate all the feedback everyone, I truly learned a lot!

[yogacat]

14 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I had a list of musts.  It didn't put pressure because I lived in a major city teeming with singles and many of them fit my list of musts so -a little less pressure for sure - but yes of course it makes it more pressured but my only reason to date especially in my 30s was to find the right person to marry and also hopefully have a family with.  So yes that's pressured.  By contrast, you don't have that specific a goal in mind.  So you probably don't have a list of musts that will fit a specific goal.  

I'm so glad to hear you're not in the shoulds territory.  I like how you describe what you are looking for, FWIW.

I wanted to recommend -I think Rainbowroses enjoys her too - Ester Perel's podcasts.  She has a new one out -actually on the limits of online interactions and their negative impact -to her- on relationships.  For this podcast she's teamed up with Brene Brown -what she says on this podcast resonated with me particularly because of this thread you started but her traditional episodes -her mini therapy sessions related to relationships are so interesting and I suspect you might get stuff out of them too -additional insights/wisdom.

Thanks for responding to what I wrote!

Thank you Batya33.

I really loved your feedback. 🥰

[yogacat]

14 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This^^ is precisely why I don't give men from online my phone number anymore until we meet, click and start dating, IF we start dating. 

Also, you don't need to give him your address, he can easily find that by doing a "a reverse search" of your phone number. 

Had a guy stalking me all because I made the massive mistake of giving him my phone number.  We had never even met!  But through my phone number, he found where I worked, showed up unannounced and caused a huge scene. 

I've also had men leave harassing voice mail messages when/if I decided not to meet them. 

If you do need to talk on phone before meeting, I suggest getting a burner phone.  JMO. 

@yogacatI treat online same as real life.  In real life, when you first meet someone (before a date), there's no profile to like or not like, or asking such questions as "what are you looking for"?  Etc.

You meet (spontaneously) at an event, party, or wherever, you begin chatting, laughing, bantering, it's light, it's casual and carefree, no interview questions etc. 

If there's an attraction, one person (usually the man) asks for her number (these days I give an email address I specifically created for dating until if/when we begin dating) and take it from there.

I prefer we discover things about each other slowly, naturally, organically when actually dating, in person. 

With on line, just me but I prefer to chat on the app or email for a few days to get a "feel" for him and to feel comfortable.  Light casual chat just like if we had met in real life.

So that IF we DO meet, there's a better opportunity to click and determine chemistry without feeling anxious or nervous about meeting a complete stranger whom I have never even had a brief conversation with!

For some reason, meeting a stranger spontaneously in real life feels different.  Online feels forced to me,  which is my own hang up.

 

 

Yeah, I did meet someone online that really frightened me. He had my phone number after we had corresponded for some time and he sent me some really bizarre texts, etc... about me needing to 'be prepared for judgment day' and sent me all these funeral ads and grim reaper stuff.

Spent a year or so with me looking over my shoulder at me workplace because he found out where I worked - I should never have given out my contact unless I had known him well, which apparently there were no red flags until late - so it can really be dangerous.

That was just one experience though and most of my interactions have been okay and I have made some friends of acquaintance status out of meeting men that I never ended up dating. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Just curious but why, if you didn't care for his voice, did you continue dating him for two months? 

I do agree with you by the way, about voice.  Tone etc. 

It's not an issue obviously if we first met in real, but with men online, I hear their voice, live and in person, on the first meet. 

If it's a turn off, I don't see them again.  Easy easy. 

Phone calls with a complete stranger in that type of situation (online) can be awkward and uncomfortable sometimes and as such doesn't reflect the true essence of their voice, tone etc.

Best to gauge that in person imo. 

A quick meet and if there's "something there" we extend it.  I never considered that a waste of time, no more than a phone call is a waste of time.

Different strokes..  

I did phone calls mostly for safety reasons and avoided a number of liars and unsafe people that way.  With the man with the effeminate voice -simply because he had many good qualities and I was reasonably attracted to him so I gave it a chance. We weren't exclusive. I didn't have enough free time to waste time on first meets given my career at the time - and as mentioned I wanted to avoid unsafe or dealbreaker situations (like lying about age/marital status/education status) -especially unsafe ones.  And -I did -several times! For me first meets included -traveling to the location -typically at least 20-30 minutes, spending that time, traveling home if it wasn't that close to my home. 

During the time I did OLD I worked far more than full time in a  very stressful, intense environment (no regrets at all though!!) and was very often on call 24/7 so scheduling stuff wasn't easy and often very stressful.

Just my personal experience.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

Yeah, I did meet someone online that really frightened me. He had my phone number after we had corresponded for some time and he sent me some really bizarre texts, etc... about me needing to 'be prepared for judgment day' and sent me all these funeral ads and grim reaper stuff.

Spent a year or so with me looking over my shoulder at me workplace because he found out where I worked - I should never have given out my contact unless I had known him well, which apparently there were no red flags until late - so it can really be dangerous.

That was just one experience though and most of my interactions have been okay and I have made some friends of acquaintance status out of meeting men that I never ended up dating. 

I'm sorry! I did as well - one was a pathological liar who friends of mine also met through OLD -once we compared notes later....

[catfeeder]

21 hours ago, Batya33 said:

But he interrupted me and obviously wasn’t listening to me. I had the same issue when some men called me while ordering food etc. I get easily annoyed when people do that especially an important conversation 

Ah, I understand. Yes, deliberatus interruptus is not to be tolerated.

Back in the day (hee-hee!) we used to refer to such a guy as a 'dig me'.

[catfeeder]

18 hours ago, yogacat said:

... Right now, I feel like I am in a vulnerable state because I don't have clear defined criteria for what I want my next relationship to be. ... This is why I am avoiding committing to a monogamous relationship for now. But I also know that that can attract the wrong kind of partner. 

... Anyway, I'm sure once I put myself back on the dating scene, I'll have things figured out. 

It's natural to feel a bit hed-sped about what you will want or seek when you are ready. The good news is, all you really need to know right now is that you're not feeling ready. You don't need to try to figure out anything.

When you allow yourself a mental vacation, the time and distance away from abstract concerns can lead you gently into a new perspective that you can't find right now, while you're too close to the subject. There really is no requirement that you must spin your mind until you land on a plan. There is no secret winning formula that applies to all people--or even the same person who is dealing with different circumstances. Nobody has a standard operating procedure that can combat vulnerability, especially given that our vulnerabilities are part of us, and they needn't be fought.

But! You have a good head on your shoulders, and I think you can relax into trusting that feeling vulnerable doesn't automatically make you more likely to encounter a predator. You can trust your own judgment in general, and this means trusting that you will lead yourself to the right answers for you when you are ready to deal with them.

And, you don't need to mind'splain yourself to any man right now. If you encounter someone interesting, all plans would go out the window, anyway, and you'll find yourself shooting from the hip to enjoy some fabulous improv in that moment. And it's perfectly fine to exchange a phone number without knowing what you'll do with it. And it's okay to not know what you're going to say today or 'someday'.

Embrace mystery, and trust your Self. You've got this!

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I didn't have enough free time to waste time on first meets given my career at the time - and as mentioned I wanted to avoid unsafe or dealbreaker...

^^Fair enough Bat. 

For me, I wasn't interested in meeting all that many men simply from a few message exchanges, so it wasn't a issue meeting for a quick drink after work for example.

If it turned out they lied or another dealbreaker (lol, I had one guy give me details about how he stalked his ex and I politely excused myself and walked home!), I simply don't see them again.

I had one guy lovebombing me so bad, he proposed marriage on the first MEET and he was serious!  I politely excused myself and walked home that time too.

I have been through the ringer online, I could write a book! 

No regrets, but these days I try to avoid online and meet men in real.  Works better for me. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, yogacat said:

. He had my phone number after we had corresponded for some time and he sent me some really bizarre texts, etc... 

Why correspond with someone this long and give out personal information rather than delete and block when it gets this weird? 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^Fair enough Bat. 

For me, I wasn't interested in meeting all that many men simply from a few message exchanges, so it wasn't a issue meeting for a quick drink after work for example.

If it turned out they lied or another dealbreaker (lol, I had one guy give me details about how he stalked his ex and I politely excused myself and walked home!), I simply don't see them again.

I had one guy lovebombing me so bad, he proposed marriage on the first MEET and he was serious!  I politely excused myself and walked home that time too.

I have been through the ringer online, I could write a book! 

No regrets, but these days I try to avoid online and meet men in real.  Works better for me. 

I’m glad that worked for you ! I met many many men in person given my reasons for dating.  And corresponded briefly with three times as many. In the city in which I dated I got hundreds of potential matches and quite often when we spoke by phone we realized we knew people in common. Sometimes too much in common so I didn’t meet the person.

Met them in real life ASAP with rare exception so that the way we made our first contact was completely irrelevant to me. I couldn’t care less if anyone else feels differently about what is real and what is not in dating or whether a phone call is needed or enjoyable or helpful or not  - I respect all opinions and what was real to me and how I got to meeting in person worked for me. That was all that mattered as no one else was going to date and potentially marry the person except me.
I Went to singles events and resorts. Networking events. Got set up on dates and introduced to men by friends.  So I was glad I did the screening I did by phone and declined many first meets or didn’t proceed to set one up so that I could focus on potentially fruitful opportunities to find a husband. That was my personal right way to do things.
I also often met people first in person and then if we spoke by phone and I realized that our conversation where we met was nothing like our interactions later I also moved on. Sometimes it was like a one hit wonder kind of thing. 

[yogacat]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why correspond with someone this long and give out personal information rather than delete and block when it gets this weird? 

Valid point. In hindsight, it worked out for the best anyway -- had I met him sooner and he got weird afterwards, same thing. Glad I didn't meet up with him after all.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, yogacat said:

Valid point. In hindsight, it worked out for the best anyway -- had I met him sooner and he got weird afterwards, same thing. Glad I didn't meet up with him after all.

If you are looking for online friends or platonic dating and male company then chitchatting without meeting makes sense but whoever you're talking to might feel differently about continuing the conversation in person to assess chemistry.  If you're not ready to date that's fine. You can make online friends in chatrooms on social media and forums.

[Rowan Lane]

I would like to talk for a bit, then meet up. There's nothing wrong with getting to know someone first. 

[yogacat]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you are looking for online friends or platonic dating and male company then chitchatting without meeting makes sense but whoever you're talking to might feel differently about continuing the conversation in person to assess chemistry.  If you're not ready to date that's fine. You can make online friends in chatrooms on social media and forums.

That's true.

Albeit, the person I mentioned messaged me directly and privately online. I can't say that I was purposely seeking out online friends at that time.

However, after we started chatting, he seemed like a cool and interesting person, so we continued talking. In any event, that was an isolated incident.
 

[Sindy_0311]

This topic is interesting because I’m experiencing something different right now according to texting and knowing each other before meeting. I used to text with guys during a few days before meeting them in person. Usually they would reach out once a day at least.
 

On Wednesday I matched with a new man (50) on a dating app. we had some exchanges during the evening and at the end of that conversation he suggested we go for a drink some time. I replied positively for next Monday, he accepted. Then no news during 24 hours. I reached out asking how he was doing and he replied in the evening saying he has been busy with work, but gave me his phone number so we could set things up easier for Monday. We had a few more texts after that. Today no news at all. I watched his instagram and found out that he is the head owner and coach of a famous CrossFit center and that he used to co-present a tv show and knows some celebrities. He didn’t mention he is a coach during our conversation until I brought it up. I do CrossFit, we have acquaintances in commun. And I can imagine how busy he is throughout the day. Him not texting makes completely sense. Why would he? I’m just a random woman he matched with on a dating app. This made me rethink this all texting before meeting… as Batya suggested, it’s maybe better to text only to set up dates after the first exchange.

But I have to say I don’t feel very comfortable going to that date now (he might/probably cancel it til then) because I feel like he’s out of my league and he doesn’t seem curious to know more about me. He is an abstract concept, and I can’t stop thinking about him, wondering whether we will actually meet on Monday. I already feel so intimated. First time it happens. First time that a guy seems healthy enough not to give me more importance than what I or any woman/man deserves at this stage. I just hope he won’t bail on me, or laugh at me during the date if he actually decides to show up, which I doubt very much 😅 

Now I’m just here, sitting back and waiting to see what will happen on Monday, but the true/little anxious me wants him to reach out and make sure that he isn’t going to ghost me… 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

This topic is interesting because I’m experiencing something different right now according to texting and knowing each other before meeting. I used to text with guys during a few days before meeting them in person. Usually they would reach out once a day at least.
 

On Wednesday I matched with a new man (50) on a dating app. we had some exchanges during the evening and at the end of that conversation he suggested we go for a drink some time. I replied positively for next Monday, he accepted. Then no news during 24 hours. I reached out asking how he was doing and he replied in the evening saying he has been busy with work, but gave me his phone number so we could set things up easier for Monday. We had a few more texts after that. Today no news at all. I watched his instagram and found out that he is the head owner and coach of a famous CrossFit center and that he used to co-present a tv show and knows some celebrities. He didn’t mention he is a coach during our conversation until I brought it up. I do CrossFit, we have acquaintances in commun. And I can imagine how busy he is throughout the day. Him not texting makes completely sense. Why would he? I’m just a random woman he matched with on a dating app. This made me rethink this all texting before meeting… as Batya suggested, it’s maybe better to text only to set up dates after the first exchange.

But I have to say I don’t feel very comfortable going to that date now (he might/probably cancel it til then) because I feel like he’s out of my league and he doesn’t seem curious to know more about me. He is an abstract concept, and I can’t stop thinking about him, wondering whether we will actually meet on Monday. I already feel so intimated. First time it happens. First time that a guy seems healthy enough not to give me more importance than what I or any woman/man deserves at this stage. I just hope he won’t bail on me, or laugh at me during the date if he actually decides to show up, which I doubt very much 😅 

Now I’m just here, sitting back and waiting to see what will happen on Monday, but the true/little anxious me wants him to reach out and make sure that he isn’t going to ghost me… 

Why should he have any further contact before meeting in person? I can see if the purpose was to develop a penpal/chat buddy interaction but isn't the point to meet in person to see if you should go on a first date in the future? He can get to know you when he meets you -isn't that the point of dating? From a practical perspective he's probably setting up a bunch of first meets so limited time to type and  talk to each one and/or he doesn't want to build unrealistic expectations from typing and talking before meeting. I don't remember any further contact prior to meeting other than maybe to confirm the plan -and I liked it that way.

[boltnrun]

When anxiety steers your ship does it usually end well?

[Batya33]

You know I reread what you wrote -I see -you think if they don't keep in touch they won't show up? I personally wouldn't take it that way and I respect your feelings -feelings are feelings! But very often especially these days people confirm day of right? Or you can.  

[DarkCh0c0]

3 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

First time that a guy seems healthy enough not to give me more importance than what I or any woman/man deserves at this stage.

You are enough. 

His job is just his job. It doesn't mean he is above or below anyone. All humans have equal worth.

3 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

This made me rethink this all texting before meeting… as Batya suggested, it’s maybe better to text only to set up dates after the first exchange.

I mean the texting or lack of texting isn't always a good determinant of the success of the date or the amount of interest in one another.

I once matched with a guy on OLD. We hit it off quite well. LOTS of texting. We had a lot in common. I thought "Oh waw! I Can't wait to meet him". We meet, and then guess what? IRL, he looked like a sibling!! An unattractive version of him. AND he shared he has an addiction to coffee, food, and cigarettes. He kept shoving these things as we talked. Yikes. These are things you just can't filter on the app (he didn't mention smoking in his profile. Nope!). AND his pictures were from 4+ years ago 🙄😤 Needless to say, I almost thought I was cat fished and I left the date early-ish. The texting built up some disappointing expectation.

[LootieTootie]

When I did OLD, I did messaging for the first few days and would like a phone call. 

I was one of those females who LOOOVE a deep voice guy. If they had a deep voice, oh heck yea I am meeting them even if there was no chemistry in the conversation HA! 

Luckily my husband has a deep voice, and beautiful green eyes.

[DarkCh0c0]

30 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

I was one of those females who LOOOVE a deep voice guy. If they had a deep voice, oh heck yea I am meeting them even if there was no chemistry in the conversation HA!

I did not know that was even a thing! 😄

30 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Luckily my husband has a deep voice, and beautiful green eyes.

😍Did you meet him via OLD?

[LootieTootie]

7 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I did not know that was even a thing! 😄

😍Did you meet him via OLD?

Yes, sorta. We met thru a PS4 (back then) game online. I took a break from OLD, even planned on being single for the rest of my life. There was these hotspots in the game where all the newbs went for help, and he and I kept bumping into each other at these hotspots. So we would always see each other characters looking at maps and treasure chests for a whole week. And then one day, he asked for help and thats how it started...

[DarkCh0c0]

3 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Yes, sorta. We met thru a PS4 (back then) game online. I took a break from OLD, even planned on being single for the rest of my life. There was these hotspots in the game where all the newbs went for help, and he and I kept bumping into each other at these hotspots. So we would always see each other characters looking at maps and treasure chests for a whole week. And then one day, he asked for help and thats how it started...

No way 😍🥰🥰🥰

I love this!! How was the first date? And your proposal!!

Lol I can't help it. You guys give me hope ❤️