Speaking Before Meeting

[yogacat]

3 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

I've done OLD since before Jurassic era.

Today, it's swipe, exchange a couple of messages, meet.

I like today much better actually.  

Add to Cart, receive product in an hour, return and receive refund before you're even home lol.

😂

[yogacat]

3 hours ago, mylolita said:

Evening @yogacat!

 

This is why I really have a thing for meeting people in real life in a natural way because you get that first impression and first feel automatically without having to arrange and manufacture it! 
 

I understand this isn’t always possible, times have changed, but I feel like meeting someone online adds a few other hoops and potential complications that weren’t there a couple of decades ago.

 

If I were on an app now, I’d probably want a phone call just to arrange the date; but I’d secretly be “checking them out” in that ten minutes and getting a good feel for their “vibe!” and like others have said, if it was really off, I wouldn’t end up meeting either! 
 

x

I was curious. My friend, a male, was telling me about how he met a man online and long story short, they have three exchanges and now he's spending the weekend with him. Obviously, it's what works for them and I'm happy for my friend – it seems like he's found someone who he's really eager to get to know him more.

I like talking a bit beforehand, maybe a week or two, before meeting up. I think it helps establish a connection and removes some of the initial nerves or awkwardness when meeting someone in person for the first time. Plus, I like getting a feel for someone's personality and interests before committing to a meet-up.

I don't know, just something about getting to know someone a bit before deciding to meet them gives me a sense of security and comfort. But as I said before, everyone's preferences will be different and there's no right or wrong answer – it's whatever works for the individuals involved.

[boltnrun]

When I met my husband (in college, we lived in the same dorm), we had many in person conversations prior to getting romantically involved. Of course that was before cell phones and the wheel and fire were invented 😆, but I guess that would be the stone age equivalent of a text or phone conversation before deciding to meet and date.

Same with other men I've had relationships with. Multiple phone and in person conversations before it turned romantic/physical. And I didn't find any of them on a dating site but rather met them in other ways, primarily at events we both participated in. I met one boyfriend because his dad's company was a vendor of the company I worked for and he came by frequently to do business. 

If I were dating nowadays using a dating site I would want a phone convo before meeting. However I don't plan to use dating sites when I am eventually ready to date. I'll probably go to events and join activity groups. 

[mylolita]

32 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I was curious. My friend, a male, was telling me about how he met a man online and long story short, they have three exchanges and now he's spending the weekend with him. Obviously, it's what works for them and I'm happy for my friend – it seems like he's found someone who he's really eager to get to know him more.

I like talking a bit beforehand, maybe a week or two, before meeting up. I think it helps establish a connection and removes some of the initial nerves or awkwardness when meeting someone in person for the first time. Plus, I like getting a feel for someone's personality and interests before committing to a meet-up.

I don't know, just something about getting to know someone a bit before deciding to meet them gives me a sense of security and comfort. But as I said before, everyone's preferences will be different and there's no right or wrong answer – it's whatever works for the individuals involved.

For sure Yoga! 
 

Myself personally, I like the real time approach! But it’s of course as you say, each to their own! 
 

I’d probably want a phone convo too as others have said and yourself if I’d met someone online and was arranging to meet them. There is that “vetting” and comfort element.

 

When I met my husband, I was working in a cocktail bar as a waitress/bar maid and he chatted me up whilst I was working. He asked for my Facebook actually and not my phone number! And I didn’t have a Facebook! Just a MySpace at the time! So I gave him that, then he asked me for my number via a big long message! He called me up the next day to ask me on a date.

 

I didn’t need to talk to him on the phone again until the date because it was very soon and we’d already met. 
 

Personally if I were single now, I wouldn’t be on an online dating site but I have nothing against them in general, it’s just not my style or, not my personality. 

For better or for worse, I’ve never had any vast dating experience Yoga because I went on 3 dates with my husband who was my first boyfriend then, we were exclusive! And that’s all my experience right there 🤣 This was also back in 2008 before online dating was popular and apps being used on mass! 

 

I wish your friend the best of luck! It sounds like he has met someone significant! 
 

x

[Batya33]

51 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I was curious. My friend, a male, was telling me about how he met a man online and long story short, they have three exchanges and now he's spending the weekend with him. Obviously, it's what works for them and I'm happy for my friend – it seems like he's found someone who he's really eager to get to know him more.

I like talking a bit beforehand, maybe a week or two, before meeting up. I think it helps establish a connection and removes some of the initial nerves or awkwardness when meeting someone in person for the first time. Plus, I like getting a feel for someone's personality and interests before committing to a meet-up.

I don't know, just something about getting to know someone a bit before deciding to meet them gives me a sense of security and comfort. But as I said before, everyone's preferences will be different and there's no right or wrong answer – it's whatever works for the individuals involved.

Definitely.  I wasn't able to get to know someone for purposes of potentially dating the person - by typing or talking before meeting and I knew this about myself.  So I had the approach I described which worked for me.  And it also meant I declined to meet anyone who didn't want to meet in person ASAP.  I had online platonic friends -I still do - but didn't want to spend  the time typing and talking before meeting to someone from a dating site.  

I'm glad you figured out your personal comfort level and I think many end up reevaluating/tweaking as they go along -or deciding that meeting in this way isn't for them after all.  All good.  When my friends asked for my input about a phone call I suggested it as a safety screening. Most of my friends felt the same and some didn't. 

[yogacat]

29 minutes ago, mylolita said:

For sure Yoga! 
 

Myself personally, I like the real time approach! But it’s of course as you say, each to their own! 
 

I’d probably want a phone convo too as others have said and yourself if I’d met someone online and was arranging to meet them. There is that “vetting” and comfort element.

 

When I met my husband, I was working in a cocktail bar as a waitress/bar maid and he chatted me up whilst I was working. He asked for my Facebook actually and not my phone number! And I didn’t have a Facebook! Just a MySpace at the time! So I gave him that, then he asked me for my number via a big long message! He called me up the next day to ask me on a date.

 

I didn’t need to talk to him on the phone again until the date because it was very soon and we’d already met. 
 

Personally if I were single now, I wouldn’t be on an online dating site but I have nothing against them in general, it’s just not my style or, not my personality. 

For better or for worse, I’ve never had any vast dating experience Yoga because I went on 3 dates with my husband who was my first boyfriend then, we were exclusive! And that’s all my experience right there 🤣 This was also back in 2008 before online dating was popular and apps being used on mass! 

 

I wish your friend the best of luck! It sounds like he has met someone significant! 
 

x

I was working as a cocktail waitress in a hotel b️ar, oh, I would love to pun at this point but resist the urge...hahaha! 💗

Thank you for sharing your experience 🌷

Yes, about my male friend, I hope so too. That, or they're making gunpowder together in his basement...🤣

Okay. I hate putting this out there but what they hay (although I am going to feel a bit naked talking about this stuff...) but I got out of a long term relationship a few months ago. I am not looking to date now, but eventually I will be.

Where I am right now, is that, I don't know that I want a monogamous, long term relationship. That's all I've ever been in, and one just ended, so I feel like I need some time to really figure out what I want and need in a relationship. I also want to experience different types of relationships and see what works best for me.

I don't mean sex, I mean, I think for me I am a bit worried because I feel I am not caring these days if the guy is being monogamous to me, or I guess I just don't care in general whether they are seeing someone else once we start seeing each other. And, I certainly don't want to end up in that position because I know me and I know that would just, I would just feel awful. And so, to avoid that, I'm like, don't get in a monogamous relationship you know.

I feel that I am ripe for the picking meaning, because I am not looking for something super serious that I may inadvertently attract the wrong kind of situation. Right now, I feel like I am in a vulnerable state because I don't have clear defined criteria for what I want my next relationship to be. I know that I want to try different types of relationships to see what truly works for me. This is why I am avoiding committing to a monogamous relationship for now. But I also know that that can attract the wrong kind of partner. 

With the speaking first initially a bit before going on a 1st date thing, I have always been that way.

Granted, there were a few times I was out and someone asked me out on the spot and I said yes, but to be honest, I prefer to speak a little bit before meeting up. And speaking frankly, if someone won't speak to me initially because of my position, I am totally okay with it. 

Anyway, I'm sure once I put myself back on the dating scene, I'll have things figured out. 

[Batya33]

Maybe I missed something but what do you like about dating and romantic relationships? Do you feel some sort of "I should be dating?" or I should be in a relationship? What I might do - if I were you -think about what you find fun about dating/being in a romantic relationship.  Think about the type of person you find fun to be around. Then maybe think if you have any long term life goals -if you do -and how/if that person might fit in to those goals.

[Coily]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I didn't ask intrusive questions -I learned all I needed to know from careful listening and casual open ended questions and comments.  I discovered a white collar crime past, that he was still married, that he'd lied about his age, was uber focused on sex, lied about his educational accomplishments, where he lived etc - it's great what you  can learn when people are talking and can't sort of edit like in typing.  Those examples were all different men.

Sets you far above the broad! I'd also guess you didn't have a checklist attitude either, you know like a normal person. 🙂

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Coily said:

Sets you far above the broad! I'd also guess you didn't have a checklist attitude either, you know like a normal person. 🙂

I had a short checklist which was basically in my profile.  But I always liked what Dr. Joy Browne, RIP said that if you listen closely -and you're not rehearsing what you are going to say and/or not blinded by infatuation lol - the person will tell you all that's important to know - very early on.  For whatever reason people have always found me approachable and opened up to me fairly quickly and I'm a tourist magnet too in cities ! - so maybe I learned more than average on the first phone call.  I also needed to answer the question for myself - would I be comfortable hanging out with this person for about an hour over coffee? Look it's not foolproof.  But I avoided tons of wasted time by having a 20-30 minute phone call prior to meeting. Or shorter like the guy who picked up and said -picture all caps - who gave you this number??? I told him politely -you did.  From what I could tell he was in some sort of green card marriage situation.  So that conversation lasted two minutes!

[Andrina]

I did OLD before video calls existed or were common. I certainly wanted to meet someone within 2 weeks of exchanging messages, but did insist on at least one phone call, which I found really helpful in the vetting process. It's not like it was a fact finding mission. I just wanted to get a general sense of their personality, and to rule out even meeting if there was something off. Some examples that saved me from wasting time on a first meet with someone clearly not worth meeting:

One guy sounded like he was speaking from the bottom of a well, and I mentioned that there was a problem with the connection. So he said he'd try from another room and then he never called back. The next day I removed him as a match and then he berated me. Another guy made some snarky remark when he didn't want to speak by phone before the date so I no longer had an interest in meeting him. He tried to say he was joking but I saw it as a red flag. Another incident I can think of involves not someone I was speaking to, but whom my friend only went on one date with. She let me listen to his voice on voicemail and there is no way I could stand to be with someone with his horrible voice. It was high-pitched and grating. That's something nobody has mentioned but it's worth noting, as liking the sound of a date's voice is important.

Good luck for your future dating ventures.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Andrina said:

was high-pitched and grating. That's something nobody has mentioned but it's worth noting, as liking the sound of a date's voice is important.

Yes I forgot that this was a main reason for me.  Shallow or otherwise that would have been a dealbreaker or an effeminate voice.  Also if the man sounded sullen/depressed it was a no go for me or cursed/used offensive language.  Called while ordering food or out with friends.  Called while playing online scrabble.  One guy kept interrupting me so he could read my profile out loud to me.  So weird.  I also was on dating sites before video calls.  I don't like video calls or facetiming.  

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Maybe I missed something but what do you like about dating and romantic relationships? Do you feel some sort of "I should be dating?" or I should be in a relationship? What I might do - if I were you -think about what you find fun about dating/being in a romantic relationship.  Think about the type of person you find fun to be around. Then maybe think if you have any long term life goals -if you do -and how/if that person might fit in to those goals.

I really like that feeling of getting to know someone and discovering new things about them. I also enjoy the feeling of being wanted and appreciated, and being able to give that to someone else as well. 

And I definitely don't feel like I "should" be dating or in a relationship. If I catch myself feeling that way, I remind myself that a relationship should enhance not define.

I was reading something somewhere and this one woman had a very strict set of rules but it worked out for her in the end because she found someone that fit within those goal posts. I was thinking about how much pressure that would put on dating and relationships, always trying to find someone who meets all of your specific requirements.

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I really like that feeling of getting to know someone and discovering new things about them. I also enjoy the feeling of being wanted and appreciated, and being able to give that to someone else as well. 

And I definitely don't feel like I "should" be dating or in a relationship. If I catch myself feeling that way, I remind myself that a relationship should enhance not define.

I was reading something somewhere and this one woman had a very strict set of rules but it worked out for her in the end because she found someone that fit within those goal posts. I was thinking about how much pressure that would put on dating and relationships, always trying to find someone who meets all of your specific requirements.

I had a list of musts.  It didn't put pressure because I lived in a major city teeming with singles and many of them fit my list of musts so -a little less pressure for sure - but yes of course it makes it more pressured but my only reason to date especially in my 30s was to find the right person to marry and also hopefully have a family with.  So yes that's pressured.  By contrast, you don't have that specific a goal in mind.  So you probably don't have a list of musts that will fit a specific goal.  

I'm so glad to hear you're not in the shoulds territory.  I like how you describe what you are looking for, FWIW.

I wanted to recommend -I think Rainbowroses enjoys her too - Ester Perel's podcasts.  She has a new one out -actually on the limits of online interactions and their negative impact -to her- on relationships.  For this podcast she's teamed up with Brene Brown -what she says on this podcast resonated with me particularly because of this thread you started but her traditional episodes -her mini therapy sessions related to relationships are so interesting and I suspect you might get stuff out of them too -additional insights/wisdom.

Thanks for responding to what I wrote!

[Lily Aldridge]

For me, chatting a bit before meeting up just feels more natural. It's like easing into things, you know? Plus, it helps me gauge if we'll vibe in person. But hey, everyone's different, and there's no right or wrong way to do it.

[rainbowsandroses]

8 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I'd already agreed to meet him before he broke out into cray-cray, so I closed the convo as though everything was fine. Then I messaged him through the app. I didn't expect him to call me back! I froze, and I don't think I answered. I think he went off on my voicemail. I was pretty shook up and was glad that I never told him where I live.

This^^ is precisely why I don't give men from online my phone number anymore until we meet, click and start dating, IF we start dating. 

Also, you don't need to give him your address, he can easily find that by doing a "a reverse search" of your phone number. 

Had a guy stalking me all because I made the massive mistake of giving him my phone number.  We had never even met!  But through my phone number, he found where I worked, showed up unannounced and caused a huge scene. 

I've also had men leave harassing voice mail messages when/if I decided not to meet them. 

If you do need to talk on phone before meeting, I suggest getting a burner phone.  JMO. 

@yogacatI treat online same as real life.  In real life, when you first meet someone (before a date), there's no profile to like or not like, or asking such questions as "what are you looking for"?  Etc.

You meet (spontaneously) at an event, party, or wherever, you begin chatting, laughing, bantering, it's light, it's casual and carefree, no interview questions etc. 

If there's an attraction, one person (usually the man) asks for her number (these days I give an email address I specifically created for dating until if/when we begin dating) and take it from there.

I prefer we discover things about each other slowly, naturally, organically when actually dating, in person. 

With on line, just me but I prefer to chat on the app or email for a few days to get a "feel" for him and to feel comfortable.  Light casual chat just like if we had met in real life.

So that IF we DO meet, there's a better opportunity to click and determine chemistry without feeling anxious or nervous about meeting a complete stranger whom I have never even had a brief conversation with!

For some reason, meeting a stranger spontaneously in real life feels different.  Online feels forced to me,  which is my own hang up.

 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

If there's an attraction, one person (usually the man) asks for her number (these days I give an email address I specifically created for dating until if/when we begin dating) and take it from there.

Email!? Yikes. How do people respond to that? :/ 

[rainbowsandroses]

25 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Email!? Yikes. How do people respond to that? :/ 

It hasn't been an issue, most of the men I've met have gmail or yahoo.  It's no different from texting which is how most people communicate anyway.

They're surprisingly understanding that I'm not comfortable giving my phone number yet.  Or pretend to be. 

With real life the date is scheduled pretty quickly, not much time between when we met and the first date.

Unlike online, another reason why I dislike it. 

I take it you dislike email and texting? 

I love email/messaging, it's my favorite way to communicate!

But I'm weird so......  

[DarkCh0c0]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

They're surprisingly understanding that I'm not comfortable giving my phone number yet.  Or pretend to be. 

This wouldn't fly where I live or where I'm from. I'd get some serious weird stares if I pull up an email.

But I have given some men my whatssap number and rejected them there, so the purpose is the same.

8 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I take it you dislike email and texting? 

For dating purposes, definitely.

[rainbowsandroses]

I'm in the US, SoCal, anything goes 'round here. 

Messaging, texting is the standard way.  

I actually dislike talking on the phone!  For many reasons which I don't have time to get into now. 

For emergencies yes of course the phone/calling is the better option.

[rainbowsandroses]

Also, I don't tell men I'm not comfortable giving my phone number; when they ask (again this is real life NOT the apps), I respond (in a flirty way), can I give you my Gmail instead? :wink:

And they're very open to that and typically email me pretty quickly. 

[rainbowsandroses]

I've had men ask for my IG address, that's become pretty common. I don't give that either until we are well into dating each other. 

I have nothing to hide, not much is there anymore anyway.  Basically I dislike SM in general and dislike communicating that way. 

 

[MrMan1983]

I think it's a balance, I chat enough to know there's potential there and some general things in common, also that they're not as dull as a dishwasher then will try and set the date otherwise you run the risk of using up too much of your convo and getting to know too much about someone before even meeting, where's the fun in that. Plus developing some sort of connection before even meeting face to face is a recipe for wasting your own time in a lot of cases.

[mylolita]

Rainbows!

 

I have a similar experience. My husband asked for my social media because, (I asked him a year in why this was) he was worried asking for my phone number was too personal, and there was a greater chance I wouldn’t give him that! But he quickly thought my MySpace was less personal and I’d be more likely to give him that! 
 

Maybe a slightly more unconventional approach but it worked! I also didn’t find it odd because MySpace was so popular back then (when I was 18) and Facebook was seen as like, for the “oldies” which, is what he had at 28 HA! He actually went and created a MySpace just so he could then contact me to get my number. Seems a long way round I guess but it worked in our case!

 

I would have given him my number by the way which would have been the first time I’d given out my number to a guy! But he was probably trying to play it “safe!” 
 

I think if you get a great connection with someone, the hows and whys and the ways in which you communicate probably don’t matter that much. Obviously you have to meet, but I mean, it seems to vary so much from couple to couple; the variations are vast now. 
 

x

[mylolita]

11 hours ago, yogacat said:

I was working as a cocktail waitress in a hotel b️ar, oh, I would love to pun at this point but resist the urge...hahaha! 💗

Thank you for sharing your experience 🌷

Yes, about my male friend, I hope so too. That, or they're making gunpowder together in his basement...🤣

Okay. I hate putting this out there but what they hay (although I am going to feel a bit naked talking about this stuff...) but I got out of a long term relationship a few months ago. I am not looking to date now, but eventually I will be.

Where I am right now, is that, I don't know that I want a monogamous, long term relationship. That's all I've ever been in, and one just ended, so I feel like I need some time to really figure out what I want and need in a relationship. I also want to experience different types of relationships and see what works best for me.

I don't mean sex, I mean, I think for me I am a bit worried because I feel I am not caring these days if the guy is being monogamous to me, or I guess I just don't care in general whether they are seeing someone else once we start seeing each other. And, I certainly don't want to end up in that position because I know me and I know that would just, I would just feel awful. And so, to avoid that, I'm like, don't get in a monogamous relationship you know.

I feel that I am ripe for the picking meaning, because I am not looking for something super serious that I may inadvertently attract the wrong kind of situation. Right now, I feel like I am in a vulnerable state because I don't have clear defined criteria for what I want my next relationship to be. I know that I want to try different types of relationships to see what truly works for me. This is why I am avoiding committing to a monogamous relationship for now. But I also know that that can attract the wrong kind of partner. 

With the speaking first initially a bit before going on a 1st date thing, I have always been that way.

Granted, there were a few times I was out and someone asked me out on the spot and I said yes, but to be honest, I prefer to speak a little bit before meeting up. And speaking frankly, if someone won't speak to me initially because of my position, I am totally okay with it. 

Anyway, I'm sure once I put myself back on the dating scene, I'll have things figured out. 

LOLZ! 
 

Yoga, The Human League pretty much sums it up… 🤣 🍸 

 

Still love a cocktail TO THIS DAY! 
 

I honestly think if you work in very social orientated jobs, you up your chances of meeting romantic partners. If you get to talk to a lot of the public as well, that’s also upping your chances of meeting new people day after day, week after week. It’s like getting paid to speed date!
 

Good luck by the way Yoga! You seem to just be at a crossroads deciding what you want but unsure at the moment. A limbo period of time, and that’s fine and actually good because we all have them and need them, in my opinion. Like some kind of life reassessment! 
 

Taking that time pays dividend. 
 

A joiner who worked at our house for a few years used to have a catch phase and it was, “A half hour thinking saves a weeks work.” 
 

x

[Batya33]

I was thinking more about Andrina's point about voice tone and quality -since for me that was an issue -and since for me I could discern red flags from tone -hostility/depression/too much negativity- I didn't want to waste my time meeting someone if I knew their way of speaking was going to be a dealbreaker.  I tried to date a good person for about 2 months who had a very effeminate voice.  It just didn't work for me -there were other reasons but that was one of them- and for sure I have friends who married men and are happy with them and they speak that way.  Just like certain of my friends weren't attracted to short men and I am and was.