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Everything posted by MrMan1983

  1. Good solid advice, thanks. I shall try and keep my distance more. It’s so difficult when you see them in a good light again to not lure yourself into questioning your own decision too. Must remind myself of how it all felt at the time though.
  2. Bait as in get into an exchange, as for the rest you could be right I likely did the wrong thing by staying (was trying to not be cold and not hurt her more) however I got more of an impression that she wanted to be reconcile like old times and be more than just friends - I could be wrong on that, it’s just how I felt.
  3. Oh gosh bit of a follow up to all this, the other day she text asking if we could at least still be friends, I said yes we can be friends (I didn’t want to be completely cold about it all) but had assumed it would be in time. Today she asked if I could come re-fit a fire alarm on her ceiling we took off (she had one above cooker that kept going off, has another in hallway), it’s her tenancy inspection tomorrow and she has no tall or guy mates so I agreed to pop by real quick to do it... got there and of course she had made herself look smoking hot (literally beautiful), then she’d bought a game I had said I liked a while back which was quite sweet and was excitedly like “please stay for one game”. I felt too bad to say no and stayed for one game. This was the version of her that I liked from most of the time we were together, fun, light hearted and smiley she seemed genuinely excited to see me however the inevitable awkward questions eventually arrived asking me how I was getting on in my week without her, I just said I had been getting on with it (which I had) but probably came off a bit cold but was the truth. Asked her the same she said not very well that she’s missed me 😞 She asked how often we can meet and play games as mates too, which I found kind of awkward. Then was asking if I was back on dating apps yet (which I’m not). She said her work had given her the week off and said “because I’ve basically been dumped for PMSing” in a jokey (probably not jokey) way, so basically hinting to me that was what caused her behaviour and that I ended it just for that 🙈 ...and was also digging me a bit (with a jokey tone) for apparently over analysing things. I must point out it was said what seemed in jest, not in a cold serious way, and amongst other light hearted convo/banter these were more little comments here and there. I guess she’s still hurting which is understandable given it’s only been under a week. I didn’t take the bait on any of this, I did say I’m not on dating apps, but I didn’t get into some exchange about the PMSing thing or details about why we broke up, I just changed the subject as best I could each time it got awkward. She was also saying she might move somewhere up North to be closer to family, wasn’t sure if it was to test my response but I said I can see why that would make sense if her mates and family are there. It could of been very easy for me to kiss and make up, give in to temptation and let things happen but I avoided that. Was that the correct way to handle it, or should I of spoken to her more properly about things? I felt like I was a little cold in some responses but I didn’t want to give false hope yet wanted to be kind too. In the end I made my excuses and left but felt weird after, it had the desired effect of making me miss her warmth and company a bit but I guess that’s human nature. I was completely at peace with my decision before. I guess on the flip side it hasn’t been a bitter end but I don’t know what to say the next time she inevitably asks to meet as mates, probably just say it’s far too soon for meeting up as it’s all still raw.
  4. Yep good advice and agreed, today I’ve felt a welcome feeling of relief now I’m thinking much more clearly. It’s definitely made it clearer what behaviours I will definitely be avoiding in future instead of hoping for the best!
  5. Thanks for your feedback everyone, much appreciated it’s helped me a lot.
  6. Thank you for this, I feel much better right now about my decision. Sad emotions can certainly cloud things sometimes! I’m sure I’ll feel rubbish for a bit but that’s normal. I really do hope that happens for me one day with meeting the right person to settle down with, that’s definitely the goal especially being 38. I wish the best for her too.
  7. Thank you, I needed to hear this was going out my mind hearing mates say all these things are normal.
  8. Hi guys, So a follow on from this, unfortunately yesterday I ended things with her after a turbulent two weeks and I must say I feel utterly dreadful and I'm not sure if I made the correct decision. A couple of weeks back it was reaching the end of the week and I had been absolutely run off my feet with work, working till 10pm most days, this is a very rare occurance (every few months) that it's this busy however it can last a week or two then I try and make time over the weekends for us and one weekday usually. This occassion we had met up for the Monday evening, and then I was trying to organise spending Friday evening together and then the rest of weekend. The problem is I was utterly shattered by the Friday and had been suffering from insomnia so I said I wanted to sleep in my own bed after our evening together to get a nice long sleep ready for our walk the next day and weekend together (where we would be staying together), this did not go down well though and and said I seem to need a lot of my own space lately. It's worth bearing in mind we do live about 5 minutes away so I can see why she felt that way. I did go over that evening and we spoke about things, I explained how rough I felt that day and things seemed to be nice for the rest of the weekend we had a lovely weekend and felt great again. She did explain though that it wasn't enough for her. I did say I would work on this, but did also explain about it being a rare period that work was hectic. The next week (this week) things were looking extremely busy with work again, in fact I was working till after 10 from Monday to Wednesday, I also had a day booked for a very close friend of mines Birthday on the Friday so on Monday I was communicative and gave her a heads up about Friday (should I of asked permission or ran it by her?), then I said I'm likely free on Wednesday/Thursday once I'm on top of it all and definitely free on Saturday and Sunday if she was free on those days (or either one). I didn't hear from her till the evening in which was a curt reply saying she had now organised something with her friend on the Saturday night and to just see about the Wednesday or Thursday. I could sense she was annoyed, on my side I was then feeling fed up/a terrible gut feeling arriving that she was annoyed about me seeing friend on Friday (close friends and days like that are very important to me) because I had suggested other days to organise our own schedule so I didn't feel like I was 'choosing' mates over us, and on the other hand I could sense why she was frustrated that after 5 months I wasn't able to set more time aside at the start of the week too. She had been having a very stressful time at work so in hindsight, and if I knew how terrible she was feeling, I should of swapped Thursday with Tuesday or Wednesday but in my head I felt like Thursday and weekend wasn't unreasonable however I now feel like it was a lack of empathy on my part and I shouldn't of been so focussed on my work stresses and sorting that first. The rest of the week contact was sporadic, and quite cold at times on her side however still talking. Thursday I contacted her in the morning to see if she wanted to watch a film/series and spend some time together that night finally as I was getting on top of things, she said she wasn't sure, then said she wanted to stay at home. I then said I felt like she was unhappy with me, and asked what the matter was. She said she had no reason to be unhappy with me and that nothing was wrong, and that she just wanted to stay at home alone that was all. I said fair enough and did not push the point any further. I felt I had been stonewalled and my gut feeling was getting stronger about this situation, by the time I had reached weekend for some reason I felt sure I wanted to end things based on the little red flags that had popped up in the 5 months of dating (explained above) and then the current week, and how it was making us both feel. Saturday she suggested going for a walk, in which we discussed why she was annoyed and how we both felt, turns out she was angry about the Friday and she felt I had put my friends first over her, I explained that close friends and things like Birthdays are very important to me too and that I cant apologise for that, also that I did suggest other days upfront however she was really upset with me and very upset that I couldn't see her on the Monday and Tuesday given how she was feeling. I felt utterly terrible, but I explained how my gut feeling was about everything including the previous little issues that had cropped up from time to time, and that I felt there were too many compatability issues arrising. So we ended there, she walked off into the distance infront of me, both of us in tears. Part of the problems I have felt conflicted with since are, those little issues she had actively been trying to fix and improve, nobody is perfect including myself and relationships are going to have little issues so I do wonder if in my lack of long term relationship experience I was focussing too much on these little red flags, hanging on to them too much then and instead of being patient with her and riding it out I was too quick to pull the trigger. I also feel very mean for bringing them up again, I shouldn't be keeping some sort of list in my head. After she left yesterday she did text saying she couldn't believe that I just ended things like that without trying to fix the issues, and it made me wonder, why didn't I? When things were good (which was a lot of the time) they were lovely, she's loving, caring, great sense of humour, very attractive, loved doing things, could it be that the intensity of the situation during covid has clouded my decisions? We weren't able to do the whole dating stage properly due to lockdown for most of the 5 months so I wonder if things were more under the spotlight because of this. Your opinions are much appreciated. Have I made a mistake?
  9. Brushing teeth first, not unreasonable, morning breath can be no fun but making him have to shower after showering the night before seems a bit OTT unless he stinks.
  10. All great points, and yes perhaps it may of been a dealbreaker to some people right away, I was willing to let it go and forget first time but the second time didn't help. I had hoped that eventually she would relax more once she knew me enough to trust me because I really enjoy the good things in our relationship.
  11. Good advice! Thank you. Can completely relate to the compensating for other peoples anxieties thing, I've had similar in the past and as someone that gets anxious themselves it's not a great mix.
  12. Thanks for this, all very good points and I certainly have some thinking and talking to do! I know that nobody is perfect including myself, hopefully it's just teething problems although seems soon to be feeling this way. We shall see!
  13. Thank you for your feedback, all very sensible advice. With the phone thing she wasn't going through it but she was looking at my phone when I opened whatsapp to show her something, then a little bit later questioned who it was that had messaged and why (mistakedly thinking it was a female name) and admitted she was worried I had been texting other women (without me giving her any reasons to doubt me). She was very sorry after and we did have a proper talk after that one, I explained that I understood her insecurities but I had gone through similar with an ex years ago and it's a red flag to me as I don't want to go through that again. She was on her own for a while before I came along (a year or two) as was I, so felt we were both in the same place...both independent yet ready to meet that special someone if they came along. I do feel like it would be there, if it was allowed to flourish without these mishaps!
  14. Hi, My girlfriend (31) and I (38) have been dating for just over 4 months now, we spend most weekends together as well as meeting once or twice each week so we've seen a lot of each other in that time compared to a lot of new couples (probably partly pandemic/living close too). My girlfriend has a lot of lovely qualities, she's very caring, thoughtful, beautiful and has a great sense of humour, she's also always up for going out and doing things which are all what I look for in a relationship as well as that spark obviously. The negatives are that she can be quite jealous and insecure, this is even before the world has started back to normality again so we haven't been in social situations yet such as meeting friends or family, or out in pubs together. In general we love each others company and 90% of the time things are great, however little things have seemed like red flags to me and slightly push me away in what seems to be every 3/4 weeks they pop up, often once I start relaxing and letting myself really enjoy things. Examples being questioning me about a guy mate that had texted me (she accidentally thought it was a female name, not that having a female mate should be a prob), questions about who I'm texting, accusing me of still being on dating apps when I'm not (her phone came up with a dating app advert whilst connected to my wifi, technically doesn't even make sense), sometimes overreacting to things I say/takes things out of context even if it started as something positive, little silly things that push me away a bit. She did apologise after every single time which is a positive, but they have still played on my mind after seeing as it's such a short space of time. Some of those may be because she's an anxious person, also she was cheated on in the past by a long term boyfriend who was texting other women however I have had the same situations yet I go into new relationships with a clean slate. We have spoken about the above issues and she is genuinely working on them however we still seem to have something pop up every few weeks which seems to be clouding my feelings/excitement about everything. The latest was after an amazing valentines weekend together, and again starting to really relax and enjoy what we have again I randomly got a message asking if I care about her at all, which was completely out the blue to me seeing as we had such a nice weekend along with exchanging thoughtful presents (such as custom pics together) and being very affectionate towards each other. I then went over to hers and we spoke about things, she felt I don't open up enough about my feelings with her and that it causes her to question if I even like her, to me this was news, I felt my actions make it obvious. I've always been fairly reserved with words and lead with my actions (partly due to being burned in the past for being too open). I did explain this which she seemed to understand, but I got the feeling like she might be expecting me to be using the L word by now which we haven't yet, however I don't feel in that place yet although I'm very fond of her. Am I overreacting reading into those little things so much and letting them cloud my feelings? I think I'm partly wary of the fact I'm 38 and she's 31 neither of us want to waste our time, also is it strange for me to not be feeling quite 'in love' or falling in love after 4 months when it seems she might be? I do like her a lot and each time there's a peaceful patch and no misunderstandings my feelings grow a lot more, but I feel like they get batted back down again each little incident. Maybe I have too high expectations and the above are completely normal misunderstandings? I may be 38 but I don't have many long term relationships to compare this to. Appreciate your opinions 🙂
  15. Thank you everyone, really appreciated your feedback and will take it all on board moving forward. The next day she messaged me apologising for the wobble and seemed in good spirits again. Will see how it all goes!
  16. That is all really good advice and certainly given me food for thought, it certainly is early in our dating for these kind of moments. I shall see how she is after that jittery moment and go from there, I hope it was just that because I very much enjoy her company and what we have had so far.
  17. Thanks, the weekends just happened organically, we had started off with just meeting for a meal and then it just happened but perhaps I should of held back more to begin with. I will ask her what she wants to do if it comes up again.
  18. All good points and I certainly agree with what you mentioned about taking risks and not staying in a safe bubble all your life. Hopefully it does not keep coming up.
  19. Thank you, will take your advice on not falling into the reassurance trap.
  20. Thank you for your feedback, much appreciated. She has been single for a couple of years and has been living on her own and doing her own thing, focussing on work, friends and not dating much. Same as me really. Her and I both have not had many long term relationships either so I understand why she might be scared to let herself become vulnerable however on this occassion I wasn't getting any red flags till last night so was feeling excited to see where things might go. It is worth noting it has not only been me organising dates, she's been just as enthusiastic as I have been till what she said last night, the night before we had a lovely evening and she didn't want me to leave so it's a confusing one. Maybe it just a moment!
  21. Hi, I'm late 30s and have recently started dating a women (10 dates in, including two weekends together) and it's been going brilliantly, in fact I have never felt this sure about someone so far. We completely click and we have been enjoying every moment together. Last night though she said she misses me already (we had met the day before), and that it feels strange/scary for her because she doesn't want to feel that way and it's making her feel really anxious, also that she's feeling terrified of letting another human into her life and that she feels she has been too open with her feelings. Basically she doesn't see it as a good thing feeling that way, I tried to explain it must mean we really enjoy each others company and that I missed her too. I also let her know that this is something I haven't experienced before in my own feelings either and that it's new for both of us. As a guy I'm a guy that does get anxious from time to time too (she said she has suffered from bad anxiety in the past) however on this occassion I have been living in the moment and feeling happy/excited about the situation and prospect of meeting my potential match, so what she said last night came as unexpected for me I had assumed things were heading in the correct direction. I'm a bit worried I was being too open myself in revealing all of my feelings, I'm usually more guarded because I've been bitten in the past for being too open with women then looking like a keeno. How should I be playing this situation, should I just be as reassuring as possible, or should I be giving her a bit of space to process everything? I want us to be able to continue enjoying the dating process and getting to know each other without things getting too heavy/complicated too soon causing it to break down. Hopefully I hear from her later and she's feeling better again, any advice much appreciated though, all new grounds for me and do not want to mess things up. Thanks
  22. Thank you for the kind words, I do need to relax a lot more. You're absolutely right I need to stop over analysing and dwelling, I'm quite an anxious person which doesn't help (must be a family gene as they're all the same!). It's not that I'm not myself on the first couple of dates, it's more that I feel more relaxed/confident but once I start building a bond I seem to start pursuing more when I never needed to, also if I feel someone pulling back slightly I seem to panic instead of just relaxing and knowing that I need to stay centred and let them come to me. I definately need to do some work on myself, and as you say I need to date someone that's more right for me, maybe I need a fellow keeno Although saying that, this latest one was extremely keen at first and it did not put me off one bit. What scares me is the fact I'm 36 years old, a seemingly OK looking guy and still cannot hold down a relationship even if I have wanted to. I have never even had something last longer than a year! There have been other times where it's been the opposite where I'm not interested and end it, but it's the ones I am invested in that seem to go wrong quite quick! I'm so thankful I posted on here though, I feel far more relaxed.
  23. Thanks for your reply. They started off as evening dates then evolved, but very wise words. Yes I regretted those texts after for sure, partly why I beat myself up after. In future I should have a rule to not reply till I’ve had time to chill and centre myself. Live and learn....again...!
  24. Ladies and Gents thank you so much for your replies, you’re all completely right and just in the nick of time before I made an absolute fool of myself sending another text! I 100% won’t text her. Some of you asked why I would put myself in this position in the first place but she had great qualities. I haven’t enjoyed someone’s company that much in a long time or been that attracted to someone’s personality, humour as well as looks and before this disastrous last week it was great. It was her initiating everything to begin with and everything seemed brilliant. It seemed to be as soon as I was clearly reeled in/keen the confusion at her end started. It is also worth noting those three dates were spending the entire weekends together. Also after the first time she said she was unsure she still carried on texting or voice messaging me first, but you’re right I should of left her to it there and then. You’re also correct I was completely over analysing the texting thing, it’s partly because I have a history of text misunderstandings in the past. I have been guilty of coming across clingy in the past too so I’m paranoid of coming across that way ever again. I need to try and cut excessive texting out of my dating life altogether as face to face or on the phone I’m great with people. I have confidence in attracting women, having a great date or two but I don’t have confidence in keeping them interested for long and I turn into my own worst enemy. It’s like a vicious circle! Thank you again peeps certainly good getting an outsiders perspective!
  25. A year ago I had a fantastic first date with a girl I instantly clicked with in all ways (which is very rare for me), fantastic sense of humour, gorgeous, great company and we had a nice kiss goodbye. This is where it ended though, I got excited, lost my cool and acted keen (like she had been), she backed off and I never saw her again. I was so gutted and self critical after, I vowed to never act that way again. She met a boyfriend soon after and they were together till 6 weeks ago, she ended it and said she had checked out of that relationship a while ago and that she felt nothing when she did end it which confirmed her decision as correct. She got back in contact with me, I kept my cool she organised a date. It went fantastic again, in fact we had three amazing, romantic dates full of laughter. She was completely keen on me, she was talking about the future, texting all the time, calling me. I enjoyed all of this because I felt the same but wasn't letting myself go like the last time. Unfortunately after the last date she started to back away, I could sense it even via text that something had changed or she had got confused (she is a massive texter, which isn't always a good thing, but went along with it). Then I tried to organise a date for last weekend (this was last Tuesday) and she said the dreaded text; “I want to talk to you about us, I'm just a bit worried about the fact that I've only just become single and I'm not 100% sure what I want. I do enjoy spending time with you; but I'm concerned times gonna go by and then I do what I normally do and just jump into something straight away...'' I replied with “Don't worry I'd already assumed that would be the case with you only just being single, I wouldn't want you to just jump into anything either. If it leads somewhere in time then great! If not then we at least enjoyed each others company whilst it lasted :) I'm easy going with all that xx” After that she went back to texting me normally, voice notes, bit of flirting so I assumed I may of reassured her somewhat (however still was not entirely sure, she blew hot and cold). On the Thursday she said “Hey you! What you doing this weekend? I'm shattered!” so I thought great! She wants me to organise something (wrong), I replied saying “Hellooo, just got home. Long day then? Probably see the parents but nothing set in stone! Up for doing something?” - then she didn't reply for ages. She eventually said “Hmm, I don't really know what to do after our convo now haha” Now this is where I feel I started to unravel and sound needy, in a fearful state I sent; “I'd thought we'd kind of said we'd not run into anything and just go with the flow, eg. Just carry on as we were having a laugh, then whatever happens happens with no pressure. Had I read that wrong, or more importantly if you weren't over thinking everything would you LIKE to see me? Haha” - Fail text number 1, note to self – never send a reply in a fearful state. This was the beginning of the end. Her reply was “Ha you're funny, I am a massive over thinker, I can't stop. I think I'm just over thinking everything. I feel like I've either gotta know or not, and because I don't really know i'm like shall I just not then. I sound like a psycho!” I again replied in a fearful state, instead of opening her up about what was bothering her so much, I tried to reassure her and wrote; “You are deffo over thinking it. Sometimes it's good to just enjoy the here and now if you enjoy your time with someone, no point in worrying about future outcomes. Anyway if you want to do something let me know, if not have a good weekend x” - Did this sound ultra dismissive? Should I have asked her exactly what was on her mind aside from what she had told me already, for example was it anything to do with how I was showing up? Or would that of looked ultra needy? I don't know why I wrote 'no point in worrying about future outcomes' either :| After that, she was very quiet then said she had decided to see her friends so I just said have a good weekend and left it at that. We didn't exchange any texts then she contacted me on the Sunday with; “Are you up to much today? Sorry I've been quiet, I made a pact with myself that I wouldn't rush into anything else, and if I did meet someone if I wasn't sure I would not continue it. So I think it's best I just leave it because I don't wanna keep doing what I usually do. I hope you're OK though? Xx” I was obviously gutted by this, stupidly AGAIN didn't wait till I felt centered and sent fail text number 3: “Hey, had a good weekend just spent it with mates. Did you get up to anything exciting? That's a shame, but if that's how you feel then it's understandable. I'm not going to lie I did feel like we had a great connection (which is rare) which was worth exploring, certainly was not in any rush! (then I included an inside joke) then finished with my doors open if you ever want to meet up again, we do have a great laugh after all xx” - Was this again far too needy and nice? Should I of again tried to open her up a bit more and not tried to persuade her with reason? What sucks is all of this was over text. Just one week before we had an amazing third date, everything was exciting and all of this crap was bungled over text message! Absolutely kicking myself now, her interest went from 100% to 0% in just 4 weeks. I have heard zero since, no reply to my last text. I feel bad about dismissing her 'over thinking' with the 'You're definitely over thinking it' text (along with the bit about not worrying about future outcomes) and wonder if I should send another text in a day or two apologising for just that? (however that would be a double text). Or should I just leave it now? I'm in that feeling of 'Should I do something to fix it' or just leave it mode, especially feeling like I messed up something potentially fantastic. I really do like this girl, but think it's probably too late. Your thoughts ladies and gents?
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