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MrMan1983

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  1. Good solid advice, thanks. I shall try and keep my distance more. It’s so difficult when you see them in a good light again to not lure yourself into questioning your own decision too. Must remind myself of how it all felt at the time though.
  2. Bait as in get into an exchange, as for the rest you could be right I likely did the wrong thing by staying (was trying to not be cold and not hurt her more) however I got more of an impression that she wanted to be reconcile like old times and be more than just friends - I could be wrong on that, it’s just how I felt.
  3. Oh gosh bit of a follow up to all this, the other day she text asking if we could at least still be friends, I said yes we can be friends (I didn’t want to be completely cold about it all) but had assumed it would be in time. Today she asked if I could come re-fit a fire alarm on her ceiling we took off (she had one above cooker that kept going off, has another in hallway), it’s her tenancy inspection tomorrow and she has no tall or guy mates so I agreed to pop by real quick to do it... got there and of course she had made herself look smoking hot (literally beautiful), then she’d bought a game I had said I liked a while back which was quite sweet and was excitedly like “please stay for one game”. I felt too bad to say no and stayed for one game. This was the version of her that I liked from most of the time we were together, fun, light hearted and smiley she seemed genuinely excited to see me however the inevitable awkward questions eventually arrived asking me how I was getting on in my week without her, I just said I had been getting on with it (which I had) but probably came off a bit cold but was the truth. Asked her the same she said not very well that she’s missed me 😞 She asked how often we can meet and play games as mates too, which I found kind of awkward. Then was asking if I was back on dating apps yet (which I’m not). She said her work had given her the week off and said “because I’ve basically been dumped for PMSing” in a jokey (probably not jokey) way, so basically hinting to me that was what caused her behaviour and that I ended it just for that 🙈 ...and was also digging me a bit (with a jokey tone) for apparently over analysing things. I must point out it was said what seemed in jest, not in a cold serious way, and amongst other light hearted convo/banter these were more little comments here and there. I guess she’s still hurting which is understandable given it’s only been under a week. I didn’t take the bait on any of this, I did say I’m not on dating apps, but I didn’t get into some exchange about the PMSing thing or details about why we broke up, I just changed the subject as best I could each time it got awkward. She was also saying she might move somewhere up North to be closer to family, wasn’t sure if it was to test my response but I said I can see why that would make sense if her mates and family are there. It could of been very easy for me to kiss and make up, give in to temptation and let things happen but I avoided that. Was that the correct way to handle it, or should I of spoken to her more properly about things? I felt like I was a little cold in some responses but I didn’t want to give false hope yet wanted to be kind too. In the end I made my excuses and left but felt weird after, it had the desired effect of making me miss her warmth and company a bit but I guess that’s human nature. I was completely at peace with my decision before. I guess on the flip side it hasn’t been a bitter end but I don’t know what to say the next time she inevitably asks to meet as mates, probably just say it’s far too soon for meeting up as it’s all still raw.
  4. Yep good advice and agreed, today I’ve felt a welcome feeling of relief now I’m thinking much more clearly. It’s definitely made it clearer what behaviours I will definitely be avoiding in future instead of hoping for the best!
  5. Thanks for your feedback everyone, much appreciated it’s helped me a lot.
  6. Thank you for this, I feel much better right now about my decision. Sad emotions can certainly cloud things sometimes! I’m sure I’ll feel rubbish for a bit but that’s normal. I really do hope that happens for me one day with meeting the right person to settle down with, that’s definitely the goal especially being 38. I wish the best for her too.
  7. Thank you, I needed to hear this was going out my mind hearing mates say all these things are normal.
  8. Hi guys, So a follow on from this, unfortunately yesterday I ended things with her after a turbulent two weeks and I must say I feel utterly dreadful and I'm not sure if I made the correct decision. A couple of weeks back it was reaching the end of the week and I had been absolutely run off my feet with work, working till 10pm most days, this is a very rare occurance (every few months) that it's this busy however it can last a week or two then I try and make time over the weekends for us and one weekday usually. This occassion we had met up for the Monday evening, and then I was trying to organise spending Friday evening together and then the rest of weekend. The problem is I was utterly shattered by the Friday and had been suffering from insomnia so I said I wanted to sleep in my own bed after our evening together to get a nice long sleep ready for our walk the next day and weekend together (where we would be staying together), this did not go down well though and and said I seem to need a lot of my own space lately. It's worth bearing in mind we do live about 5 minutes away so I can see why she felt that way. I did go over that evening and we spoke about things, I explained how rough I felt that day and things seemed to be nice for the rest of the weekend we had a lovely weekend and felt great again. She did explain though that it wasn't enough for her. I did say I would work on this, but did also explain about it being a rare period that work was hectic. The next week (this week) things were looking extremely busy with work again, in fact I was working till after 10 from Monday to Wednesday, I also had a day booked for a very close friend of mines Birthday on the Friday so on Monday I was communicative and gave her a heads up about Friday (should I of asked permission or ran it by her?), then I said I'm likely free on Wednesday/Thursday once I'm on top of it all and definitely free on Saturday and Sunday if she was free on those days (or either one). I didn't hear from her till the evening in which was a curt reply saying she had now organised something with her friend on the Saturday night and to just see about the Wednesday or Thursday. I could sense she was annoyed, on my side I was then feeling fed up/a terrible gut feeling arriving that she was annoyed about me seeing friend on Friday (close friends and days like that are very important to me) because I had suggested other days to organise our own schedule so I didn't feel like I was 'choosing' mates over us, and on the other hand I could sense why she was frustrated that after 5 months I wasn't able to set more time aside at the start of the week too. She had been having a very stressful time at work so in hindsight, and if I knew how terrible she was feeling, I should of swapped Thursday with Tuesday or Wednesday but in my head I felt like Thursday and weekend wasn't unreasonable however I now feel like it was a lack of empathy on my part and I shouldn't of been so focussed on my work stresses and sorting that first. The rest of the week contact was sporadic, and quite cold at times on her side however still talking. Thursday I contacted her in the morning to see if she wanted to watch a film/series and spend some time together that night finally as I was getting on top of things, she said she wasn't sure, then said she wanted to stay at home. I then said I felt like she was unhappy with me, and asked what the matter was. She said she had no reason to be unhappy with me and that nothing was wrong, and that she just wanted to stay at home alone that was all. I said fair enough and did not push the point any further. I felt I had been stonewalled and my gut feeling was getting stronger about this situation, by the time I had reached weekend for some reason I felt sure I wanted to end things based on the little red flags that had popped up in the 5 months of dating (explained above) and then the current week, and how it was making us both feel. Saturday she suggested going for a walk, in which we discussed why she was annoyed and how we both felt, turns out she was angry about the Friday and she felt I had put my friends first over her, I explained that close friends and things like Birthdays are very important to me too and that I cant apologise for that, also that I did suggest other days upfront however she was really upset with me and very upset that I couldn't see her on the Monday and Tuesday given how she was feeling. I felt utterly terrible, but I explained how my gut feeling was about everything including the previous little issues that had cropped up from time to time, and that I felt there were too many compatability issues arrising. So we ended there, she walked off into the distance infront of me, both of us in tears. Part of the problems I have felt conflicted with since are, those little issues she had actively been trying to fix and improve, nobody is perfect including myself and relationships are going to have little issues so I do wonder if in my lack of long term relationship experience I was focussing too much on these little red flags, hanging on to them too much then and instead of being patient with her and riding it out I was too quick to pull the trigger. I also feel very mean for bringing them up again, I shouldn't be keeping some sort of list in my head. After she left yesterday she did text saying she couldn't believe that I just ended things like that without trying to fix the issues, and it made me wonder, why didn't I? When things were good (which was a lot of the time) they were lovely, she's loving, caring, great sense of humour, very attractive, loved doing things, could it be that the intensity of the situation during covid has clouded my decisions? We weren't able to do the whole dating stage properly due to lockdown for most of the 5 months so I wonder if things were more under the spotlight because of this. Your opinions are much appreciated. Have I made a mistake?
  9. Brushing teeth first, not unreasonable, morning breath can be no fun but making him have to shower after showering the night before seems a bit OTT unless he stinks.
  10. All great points, and yes perhaps it may of been a dealbreaker to some people right away, I was willing to let it go and forget first time but the second time didn't help. I had hoped that eventually she would relax more once she knew me enough to trust me because I really enjoy the good things in our relationship.
  11. Good advice! Thank you. Can completely relate to the compensating for other peoples anxieties thing, I've had similar in the past and as someone that gets anxious themselves it's not a great mix.
  12. Thanks for this, all very good points and I certainly have some thinking and talking to do! I know that nobody is perfect including myself, hopefully it's just teething problems although seems soon to be feeling this way. We shall see!
  13. Thank you for your feedback, all very sensible advice. With the phone thing she wasn't going through it but she was looking at my phone when I opened whatsapp to show her something, then a little bit later questioned who it was that had messaged and why (mistakedly thinking it was a female name) and admitted she was worried I had been texting other women (without me giving her any reasons to doubt me). She was very sorry after and we did have a proper talk after that one, I explained that I understood her insecurities but I had gone through similar with an ex years ago and it's a red flag to me as I don't want to go through that again. She was on her own for a while before I came along (a year or two) as was I, so felt we were both in the same place...both independent yet ready to meet that special someone if they came along. I do feel like it would be there, if it was allowed to flourish without these mishaps!
  14. Hi, My girlfriend (31) and I (38) have been dating for just over 4 months now, we spend most weekends together as well as meeting once or twice each week so we've seen a lot of each other in that time compared to a lot of new couples (probably partly pandemic/living close too). My girlfriend has a lot of lovely qualities, she's very caring, thoughtful, beautiful and has a great sense of humour, she's also always up for going out and doing things which are all what I look for in a relationship as well as that spark obviously. The negatives are that she can be quite jealous and insecure, this is even before the world has started back to normality again so we haven't been in social situations yet such as meeting friends or family, or out in pubs together. In general we love each others company and 90% of the time things are great, however little things have seemed like red flags to me and slightly push me away in what seems to be every 3/4 weeks they pop up, often once I start relaxing and letting myself really enjoy things. Examples being questioning me about a guy mate that had texted me (she accidentally thought it was a female name, not that having a female mate should be a prob), questions about who I'm texting, accusing me of still being on dating apps when I'm not (her phone came up with a dating app advert whilst connected to my wifi, technically doesn't even make sense), sometimes overreacting to things I say/takes things out of context even if it started as something positive, little silly things that push me away a bit. She did apologise after every single time which is a positive, but they have still played on my mind after seeing as it's such a short space of time. Some of those may be because she's an anxious person, also she was cheated on in the past by a long term boyfriend who was texting other women however I have had the same situations yet I go into new relationships with a clean slate. We have spoken about the above issues and she is genuinely working on them however we still seem to have something pop up every few weeks which seems to be clouding my feelings/excitement about everything. The latest was after an amazing valentines weekend together, and again starting to really relax and enjoy what we have again I randomly got a message asking if I care about her at all, which was completely out the blue to me seeing as we had such a nice weekend along with exchanging thoughtful presents (such as custom pics together) and being very affectionate towards each other. I then went over to hers and we spoke about things, she felt I don't open up enough about my feelings with her and that it causes her to question if I even like her, to me this was news, I felt my actions make it obvious. I've always been fairly reserved with words and lead with my actions (partly due to being burned in the past for being too open). I did explain this which she seemed to understand, but I got the feeling like she might be expecting me to be using the L word by now which we haven't yet, however I don't feel in that place yet although I'm very fond of her. Am I overreacting reading into those little things so much and letting them cloud my feelings? I think I'm partly wary of the fact I'm 38 and she's 31 neither of us want to waste our time, also is it strange for me to not be feeling quite 'in love' or falling in love after 4 months when it seems she might be? I do like her a lot and each time there's a peaceful patch and no misunderstandings my feelings grow a lot more, but I feel like they get batted back down again each little incident. Maybe I have too high expectations and the above are completely normal misunderstandings? I may be 38 but I don't have many long term relationships to compare this to. Appreciate your opinions 🙂
  15. Thank you everyone, really appreciated your feedback and will take it all on board moving forward. The next day she messaged me apologising for the wobble and seemed in good spirits again. Will see how it all goes!
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