JayJ34

I agree with you, that is the "plan", I will just act as if nothing happened, there is no reason to be genuinely upset, I just find her behaviour weird. But why would she think I was only nice to her because I wanted to be with her? I am nice to everyone, as long as people do not disrespect me obviously. How I treated her did not change after I knew she probably does not want to hang out, my humor hasnt changed either. Thats why its so confusing that she suddenly got pissed. And what do you mean with she "wasnt a come-on". (My english might be letting me down here) And why would she want to make me feel good if she doesnt want to meet up? grrrrr people are so complicated sometimes for no reason, life could be so much easier (not talking about you smackie9)

Working at a bar and a former colleague started working again as a waiter at the bar. Before she did, she visited the bar a few times on her private time and I got to know her before I even knew she worked a few years earlier here and is going to start again. We got along pretty well. She started to work and everything was fine, our work flow was great and the few seconds we had here and there to talk and make some jokes had been a lot of fun. I even heard how she told a friend of her that she thinks I am great. So 2 weeks ago she was working, when her shift ended mine started and she stayed at the bar with a few friends of her. At that day I got a new haircut and cut down my beard before my shift and when I showed up for work she welcomed me with "Hello Mister handsome", she did not stop there and told me like 3 more times afterwards how good it looks. I started working, served her and her friends drinks multiple times and what I noticed was how she looked at me more oftenly. And when we spoke a little she came really close to me, one time she put her ellbow on my shoulder and while we were talking she looked down at lips several times. I was thinking, f*ck it, Im gonna ask her out, worst she could say is no and I am old enough to handle this kind of rejection without awkwardness. I ask if she wants to hang out some time and she said yes and gave me her number. After that she proceeded to ghost me on WhatsApp and Snapchat for a week. I was so confused, because I knew she read the messages. When I saw her at work, she explained it to me and it was fine. I texted her again and asked for a day and time, told her when I am available, her response was "let me see when I can meet up", I responded "alright, then just text me when you know better". No response after that. I saw her today at work, while arriving and giving me a hug she barely looked at me, did not mention anything about meeting up and I noticed how distant she was suddenly. Did not talk to her that much because of it and she even got pissed at me because of a joke. At the bar I work, the staff doesnt have to pay for their drinks on their private time. When she was about to leave she asked me if she has to pay for anything. I shook my head, smiled and said "Ofcourse not". After that she asked for another last beer and I said "Oh I see, now that you dont have to pay, youre getting greedy". She got pissed, drank her beer and left without saying anything. Before you jugde the joke, that is what my humor looks like all the time, I made jokes worse than that and she found them funny and it was no problem at all. My undertone was sarcastic as well, it was obviously a joke and she knows it. Im just so confused. It all went from getting along well to chaos for no actual reason. I dont get it to be honest. Especially because she was the fun showing so much interest and now she behaves like this. Or am I wrong and the "interest" was just being platonic signs or whatever. It would bother me less if she just said no, but this is just tough to read and frustrating. It kinda drives me crazy because I feel so attracted to her, I dont know why. But I wont ask again, I deserve better than that and my guess is she actually isnt interested. Otherwise she would be more open and make time to meet up, or would she? 😕

I dont know about that, as I said, she does not ghost me, her answers are just a little short and in person we have a lot of fun. And I dont see the point in playing games like that, some girls just dont initiate contact via texting. If she is not interested I will defenitely notice that when we meet. And while writing this reply, she actually messaged me „just because we met twice doesnt mean I am interested in you (kidding)“. Thats acutally how we talk to each other in person and how me make fun, so my guess is that she just isnt into writing.

No she has normal day shifts starting at 10 am til late afternoon. That is clearly not the problem. I will set a third date with her and just ask her, I know that she prefers talking to each other in real life over texting, but her short, hesitant answer are kind of misleading, idk 😕

I have been dating a women. We had 2 dates and both went really well. First date was at a bar and we talked for like 3 hours straight, after we finished our drinks she suggested to go to a restaurant, which we did. We had a good time and went home after eating. I noticed that she was a little bit shy but the fact that she suggested going to a restaurant showed me that she was interested. After we both arrived at home we exchanged a few silly messages and a few days later after messaging I asked for another date. Our second date was in billiard bar. We played for 3 hours and then switched to darts for another 2 hours. It was actually a lot of fun and she became much more relaxed around me. I brought her home and as we were saying our goodbyes she was clearly hesitant and did not want to leave, that was for sure. We have not kissed, because I want to take my time and want to get know what kind of person she is and I made the mistake in the past to rush myself into a relationship where we both were not compatible. But I still engaged physical contact here and there. I already have a plan for our third date and I am intending to kiss her at a suitable moment, just to see if she is into me or not because I am into her and if she is not I am clearly waisting my time. We texted again after the date, but I always have to initiate the conversation, which is contrary to our real life meetings. She tends to talk a lot and I enjoy that, but when texting she seems always so hesitant does not suggests the dates. I have to do so. She already agreed to a third date but has to wait for her work schedule. I was wondering if she was actually recieved it because she was not texting me, made a joke about it that she probably has not recieved it. Her answer was something like "I actually got it but only for a week". Now I am wondering. So she agreed to a third date, she got her schedule, did not text me and when I asked she just said she got it and did not suggest a day or a time to meet. I am new to dating, my first girlfriend actually approached me and I am sometimes a little bit clueless. I also do not intend to "play games", like waiting a certain time to text or some other bs like that. Life is to short and if you are interested just text the other person, the worst that could happen is that the person is not interested. But this particular situation is kinda confusing to me.

I do not see my job as a place to hit on women. I dont do that often, as I said, that was the first time I asked someone out, and I have been working there for more than 9 months now. But if I get into a talk with someone and I feel like it wont hurt to approach this person that way, I do not see a problem. The chef does not care what we do, as long as we do our jobs. And if we even give away a few shots or drinks, he is absolutely fine with it, no one of the workers takes advantage of that. Before you work at the bar, or more specifically, before he hires you full time he makes sure what kind of person you are, and if you overuse this "freedom" you are gone. I will not stay in this business. I need money and I have been saving money, because I will study computer science in october, so I in deed see my job right now as a perfect place to practice communication skills and approaching others, but I wont be hitting on women 24/7, I know how inappropriate that would be.

Thanks for your answer. I also view it as the perfect opportunity to get better at approaching and practicing having a chat with women. And I know that I have still a lot to learn, that there will be bad dates, maybe a lot of them, but as strange as it might sound, I am kinda looking forward to it as I know it will help me grow. But can you elaborate why a women cannot be taken as romantic interest if she generally gets along with men? I mean, these women also have relationships and if there are any hints you can observe from them you can give a shot, cant you? Even if the hints are rooted by her only being interested in favours in better service, if that is the case I will figure it out eventually.

Thanks for this view, it helps to see the situation from a different perspective.

I mean, our bar has a familiar atmosphere and everybody knows that who visits the bar. My chef is not strict at all and it is not a high class bar, the opposite actually. I asked my co-workers and they said they have done it multiple times and do not find it weird. Actaully no one of my friends found it weird when I told them, neither do I. And thank your for your answer, I appreciate it and agree with you, I signed up in a boxing club recently and am going out more often to other bars, but your message is not really an answer to my question and I do not mean that in a rude way.

I (20yrs, male) work as a bartender and I am trying to get into dating. I have never really dated anyone, the first person I was interested in when I was 17 became my girlfriend and we broke up 3 months ago. I feel like I am ready to meet new people and being open to other people. Working at a bar helped me a lot with communicating with stranger, which is litteraly part of my job, and I am becoming more and more fluid in conversations. I am not eagerly trying to get laid, I just wanna meet people and get gather more experience, if any of those meetings evolves into something more, I am happy, if not, that is also just fine. What I am trying to say, I am not obsessed with finding a girlfriend. A few days ago a girl was sitting at the bar and I noticed her. She actually started talking to me and we got into a conversation. My colleague saw that we were getting along quite well, which is why the colleague did not call me to help her with the drinks as there were not a lot of orders, and it was a funny and interesting talk that I enjoyed. After 10 minutes or so a friend of her entered the bar and our talk ended there as she sat down at a table with her friend. From there on I looked over a few times and she was looking at me too. I told to myself, if I do not ask her out I would be kicking myself for it, and the worst she could say is no, so I went for it. As I said, I have litteraly zero experience in dating and she was the first person that I asked out, ever. I waited for to go to the bathroom, since I did not want to interrupt the girls and wanted to speak to her more privately. I waited at the end of the hallway where the stairs are to the bathroom, of course not in front of the bathroom, that would be weird af, and as she came upstairs I asked if I could have a minute of her time. I was nervous as hell but that did not prevent me from talking to her calmly. I told her that I have not done something like that at work, but I really find her cute and wanted to know if there is anyone in her life that she is seeing or dating. She was really pleased by my approach, told me there is no one in her life right now, but she also is not dating at the moment. But she offered me that we still could go out and stay in touch as she also finds me interesting and enjoyed our talk. I saw that as a no, but I was not awkward about it, told her that she can see it as a compliment and can visit me at the bar more often if she wants to. I was a little bit embarrassed, but I did not let it shine through and that is what you have to deal with if you ask someone out, I get that and it is not going to hold me back from approaching other people. I am in therapy right now because of difficulties I have in my private life and my therapist, female, said that it actually was the best outcome possible considering how I approached her. She said I maybe was a little bit too straight forward and that it could have been a litte too direct, which is why she probably said she is not dating, but still wants to meet. I was not thinking about it that way. My therapist claimed that telling her from the beginning what my intention is, is taking away the thrill from dating and can be a little overwhelming for people. I just wanted to tell her my intentions right away, because I was not looking for a platonic relationship. What do you guys think about the situation? Getting rejected is not that big of a deal, a little embarrassing as I said, but nothing to worry about. Was I too aggressiv? And should I try to meet her anyways and see how it is going? She visits the bar often because she lives nearby and has a few friends that are regular customers at the bar. She also told me where she is working, it is also a bar and I was thinking maybe I could visit her there, if that is a good idea. Because thinking about it, she has a lot of friends, and knows what my intentions are, she told me she is not dating but we can meet anyways. It is a little confusing and I am still blind for cues if it comes to dating.