Should I try to keep in touch?

[JayJ34]

I (20yrs, male) work as a bartender and I am trying to get into dating. I have never really dated anyone, the first person I was interested in when I was 17 became my girlfriend and we broke up 3 months ago. I feel like I am ready to meet new people and being open to other people. Working at a bar helped me a lot with communicating with stranger, which is litteraly part of my job, and I am becoming more and more fluid in conversations. I am not eagerly trying to get laid, I just wanna meet people and get gather more experience, if any of those meetings evolves into something more, I am happy, if not, that is also just fine. What I am trying to say, I am not obsessed with finding a girlfriend.

A few days ago a girl was sitting at the bar and I noticed her. She actually started talking to me and we got into a conversation. My colleague saw that we were getting along quite well, which is why the colleague did not call me to help her with the drinks as there were not a lot of orders, and it was a funny and interesting talk that I enjoyed. After 10 minutes or so a friend of her entered the bar and our talk ended there as she sat down at a table with her friend. From there on I looked over a few times and she was looking at me too. 

I told to myself, if I do not ask her out I would be kicking myself for it, and the worst she could say is no, so I went for it. As I said, I have litteraly zero experience in dating and she was the first person that I asked out, ever. I waited for to go to the bathroom, since I did not want to interrupt the girls and wanted to speak to her more privately. I waited at the end of the hallway where the stairs are to the bathroom, of course not in front of the bathroom, that would be weird af, and as she came upstairs I asked if I could have a minute of her time.

I was nervous as hell but that did not prevent me from talking to her calmly. I told her that I have not done something like that at work, but I really find her cute and wanted to know if there is anyone in her life that she is seeing or dating. She was really pleased by my approach, told me there is no one in her life right now, but she also is not dating at the moment. But she offered me that we still could go out and stay in touch as she also finds me interesting and enjoyed our talk. 

I saw that as a no, but I was not awkward about it, told her that she can see it as a compliment and can visit me at the bar more often if she wants to. I was a little bit embarrassed, but I did not let it shine through and that is what you have to deal with if you ask someone out, I get that and it is not going to hold me back from approaching other people. 

I am in therapy right now because of difficulties I have in my private life and my therapist, female, said that it actually was the best outcome possible considering how I approached her. She said I maybe was a little bit too straight forward and that it could have been a litte too direct, which is why she probably said she is not dating, but still wants to meet. I was not thinking about it that way. My therapist claimed that telling her from the beginning what my intention is, is taking away the thrill from dating and can be a little overwhelming for people. I just wanted to tell her my intentions right away, because I was not looking for a platonic relationship.

What do you guys think about the situation? Getting rejected is not that big of a deal, a little embarrassing as I said, but nothing to worry about. Was I too aggressiv? And should I try to meet her anyways and see how it is going? She visits the bar often because she lives nearby and has a few friends that are regular customers at the bar. She also told me where she is working, it is also a bar and I was thinking maybe I could visit her there, if that is a good idea. Because thinking about it, she has a lot of friends, and knows what my intentions are, she told me she is not dating but we can meet anyways. It is a little confusing and I am still blind for cues if it comes to dating. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, JayJ34 said:

 . I told her that I have not done something like that at work, but I really find her cute and wanted to know if there is anyone in her life that she is seeing or dating. She  also is not dating at the moment. But she offered me that we still could go out and stay in touch as she also finds me interesting and enjoyed our talk. 

It's great you have a people oriented job, it helps with interpersonal skills. It good you're interested in dating.  You may see her again at work and her decline was very diplomatic. 

However it's not a good idea to hit on customers. It's awkward..

Please consider either getting a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women. At least you know they're single and interested. 

Also join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses and broaden your social horizons having fun meeting like-minded people and taking to women regularly. 

[JayJ34]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's great you have a people oriented job, it helps with interpersonal skills. It good you're interested in dating.  You may see her again at work and her decline was very diplomatic. 

However it's not a good idea to hit on customers. It's awkward..

 

I mean, our bar has a familiar atmosphere and everybody knows that who visits the bar. My chef is not strict at all and it is not a high class bar, the opposite actually. I asked my co-workers and they said they have done it multiple times and do not find it weird. Actaully no one of my friends found it weird when I told them, neither do I.

And thank your for your answer, I appreciate it and agree with you, I signed up in a boxing club recently and am going out more often to other bars, but your message is not really an answer to my question and I do not mean that in a rude way. 

[Capricorn3]

To me, the fact that she has made it very clear she is "not dating" .... Sounds to me like she doesn't mind a friendship and just casually meeting for a coffee or whatever, but that's it.  If you want more than that with her, it aint gonna happen (imo).

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, JayJ34 said:

...but she also is not dating at the moment. But she offered me that we still could go out and stay in touch as she also finds me interesting and enjoyed our talk. 

This is not a rejection, think it through. You both share a community, where your paths will cross again and again. She wants the arms length breathing room to get to know you in that context rather than rushing into a situation that announces to your shared community, "We are an item..."

You are new to your position, so you haven't settled into the context of that yet. Give it time, and you will learn that women who meet you in your work setting know where to find you. Allow them to come back, and let that show you whether they may be the ones to ask you out, or offer you their number--or whatever.

Yours isn't a position that requires you to be assertive. Stick with it, flirt a bit, and learn what happens.

[JayJ34]

3 hours ago, catfeeder said:

This is not a rejection, think it through. You both share a community, where your paths will cross again and again. She wants the arms length breathing room to get to know you in that context rather than rushing into a situation that announces to your shared community, "We are an item..."

You are new to your position, so you haven't settled into the context of that yet. Give it time, and you will learn that women who meet you in your work setting know where to find you. Allow them to come back, and let that show you whether they may be the ones to ask you out, or offer you their number--or whatever.

Yours isn't a position that requires you to be assertive. Stick with it, flirt a bit, and learn what happens.

Thanks for this view, it helps to see the situation from a different perspective. 

[smackie9]

I worked in a night club for 4 years. Them ladies that hang out up at the bar get friendly with the bartenders in hopes to get special privileges like a free shot or drink, attentive service and attention.

Tip: A woman really getting along with any man cannot be taken as romantic interest. She shot you down. If she really was interested, any approach would be acceptable.

Yes you are right take her excuse as a no, and move onto the next. You need to be more "seasoned", and that will take time. Can't expect things to drop in your lap. You have the perfect platform to learn approach, what works, and how to read people. Bar people/regulars are a different breed let me tell ya. I had guys buy me roses, and never ask me out. I figured it out, since I worked the door, they wanted ahead of the line up/pay no cover privileges lol. People use you, so watch out for that. 

As for finding a date through customers. That's how I met my husband but it took 4 years of working there to meet him. I dated plenty while I was there, and even being already a seasoned dater, there was a lot of bad dates. Have to grow a thick skin. 

[JayJ34]

6 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Tip: A woman really getting along with any man cannot be taken as romantic interest. She shot you down. If she really was interested, any approach would be acceptable.

Bar people/regulars are a different breed let me tell ya. I had guys buy me roses, and never ask me out.

Thanks for your answer. I also view it as the perfect opportunity to get better at approaching and practicing having a chat with women. And I know that I have still a lot to learn, that there will be bad dates, maybe a lot of them, but as strange as it might sound, I am kinda looking forward to it as I know it will help me grow.

But can you elaborate why a women cannot be taken as romantic interest if she generally gets along with men? I mean, these women also have relationships and if there are any hints you can observe from them you can give a shot, cant you? Even if the hints are rooted by her only being interested in favours in better service, if that is the case I will figure it out eventually.

[Batya33]

36 minutes ago, JayJ34 said:

and if there are any hints you can observe from them you can give a shot, cant you? Even if the hints are rooted by her only being interested in favours in better service, if that is the case I will figure it out eventually.

As long as it's done appropriately sure - 

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, JayJ34 said:

I also view it as the perfect opportunity to get better at approaching and practicing having a chat with women.

Good. Relax a bit and learn how to observe before jumping in, because anyone with dating potential at your job will become a repeat customer.

This chatting you speak of can end with some finesse, such as asking a woman for her phone number, as opposed to the shock of asking a woman out on the spot, which comes off as aggressive and uncomfortable.

Quote

... can you elaborate why a women cannot be taken as romantic interest if she generally gets along with men? 

Women do tend to flirt it up with bartenders in the hope of getting a break on their bill. However, if you cave to that, especially as a novice at your job, it is likely to get you fired. Not only is it stealing from your employer (and employers tend to monitor new bartenders) it also won't serve you well in terms of respect from those to whom you cater. It's a weak sell-out..

So skip that. Learn which women continue to return despite no discount or favors beyond basic kindness and some flirting from you. Those are your potential dating opportunities. Everyone else is a potential user unless and until they prove themselves to you as loyal repeats who don't expect you to risk your job like a patsy.

Head high, and enjOy!

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, JayJ34 said:

. I also view it as the perfect opportunity to get better at approaching and practicing having a chat with women. 

Yes your job is definitely great for improving people skills. However the workplace is not a dating app or singles club for you to practice hitting on women.

It's hard to understand why you won't do that on your own personal time instead of while you're working. 

[smackie9]

16 hours ago, JayJ34 said:

Thanks for your answer. I also view it as the perfect opportunity to get better at approaching and practicing having a chat with women. And I know that I have still a lot to learn, that there will be bad dates, maybe a lot of them, but as strange as it might sound, I am kinda looking forward to it as I know it will help me grow.

But can you elaborate why a women cannot be taken as romantic interest if she generally gets along with men? I mean, these women also have relationships and if there are any hints you can observe from them you can give a shot, cant you? Even if the hints are rooted by her only being interested in favours in better service, if that is the case I will figure it out eventually.

Female brains work differently from male brains. We can be emotionally attached without having romantic feelings. We can separate the two while men it's all in. That's why getting friend zoned is prevalent with men.

[JayJ34]

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes your job is definitely great for improving people skills. However the workplace is not a dating app or singles club for you to practice hitting on women.

It's hard to understand why you won't do that on your own personal time instead of while you're working. 

I do not see my job as a place to hit on women. I dont do that often, as I said, that was the first time I asked someone out, and I have been working there for more than 9 months now. But if I get into a talk with someone and I feel like it wont hurt to approach this person that way, I do not see a problem.

The chef does not care what we do, as long as we do our jobs. And if we even give away a few shots or drinks, he is absolutely fine with it, no one of the workers takes advantage of that. Before you work at the bar, or more specifically, before he hires you full time he makes sure what kind of person you are, and if you overuse this "freedom" you are gone. 

I will not stay in this business. I need money and I have been saving money, because I will study computer science in october, so I in deed see my job right now as a perfect place to practice communication skills and approaching others, but I wont be hitting on women 24/7, I know how inappropriate that would be.